How to discuss fears with partner.

MandaAUS

I had my first child coming up 13 years ago. I was told when he was 6mths that conceiving another child would be a major challenge and possibly require IVF. After two relationship break downs I met my fiance'. At 35yrs I decided to give IVF a go so we started changing our life style to start IVF. I quit drinking, smoking and started eating healthier and we were starting to put away money to pay for the IVF. 4 weeks after starting our changes unexpectedly but certainly totally wanted we managed to fall pregnant naturally. So here are the steps that have lead us to being in a complicated situation where I feel I cannot get support from him.

With the complications with my ovaries and fallopian tubes my Dr was concerned right off the bat that it might be a tubal pregnancy. (1st scare) At 5w5d we had a scan to tell us it was not a tubal pregnancy. 

At about 8w we went into hospital because I was cramping way to much (2nd scare) Dr's thought it might be due to my appendix and after 5 hours being in hospital I opted to go home as I had had enough. Tests reveled that everything was ok. 

At 12w we had our NT scan (3rd scare) The results came back all clear on the US but the bloods showed a different story. Hormone levels are high. I now have been booked in for an amniocentesis. (4th scare) 

So far during the pregnancy I have been referring to everything in a medical / clinical way because I am scared about something being wrong. I haven't want to make plans or talk about the future yet as I'm scared that will be taken away from me. Yes friends and family know I'm pregnant but they also know at the moment there are high risks associated with the pregnancy a 1:128 chance of downs or something else. 

Now for the problem. Up until recently my partner has been less than vocal about the pregnancy which to be honest has helped. It as meant that its not been in my face and real. Until the other night where he (without consulting me) announced to one of his friends that he will be the god father. Making plans and such without thought of how I might feel about it. We argued and he kept saying that hes proud of the pregnancy and that he should be allowed to talk about it but I feel that he doesn't understand that after 12 years struggling to conceive this baby I'm scared something will do wrong so I am trying to distance myself until I have the results from the amnio back. 

How can I get him to understand that. Or am I being the one in the wrong here ?
Please help, I'm afraid my relationship might be in jeopardy because of the situation. 

mamasmurf12

Let me start by saying I totally see where you are coming from. You want to guard your heart until you are more sure that you will have a viable pregnancy.  That totally makes sense. However, I think it might be good try and also see things from his point of view and maybe even take comfort in it. Try to remember that he is "pregnant" too and is ready to get excited for his first child. It might be good to get both of your feelings out in the open and  let yourself enjoy being pregnant a little bit because, deep inside, your heart is already invested. Whether or not you let yourself talk about the future now, Lord forbid, if anything were to happen you would get upset either way. I don't know, that's just my opinion. I can't completely empathize as I have had an easy go of it, that's just my 2 cents. I am, for some reason, super nervous and guarded about my pregnancy now since it is so early right now, and DH keeps reminding me that worry is not going to change the outcome....what will be will be. Does that make sense? I hope y'all can work things out!

bklynbmp

I totally see how you feel (I feel much the same way and haven't had any real scares yet) but all that said, I think its wonderful that your husband isn't as stressed about it and can enjoy it.  I wish I could relax myself.

As we all know, the worrying doesn't help anything and is only robbing you of enjoying the experience.  And Im sure you also know that you can't jinx anything by being happy or excited no matter how it might feel otherwise.

 Why not let him enjoy it even if you can't?

 

znianiswan

Why not let him enjoy it even if you can't?

 

 

 

MandaAUS

It's not that I don't want him to enjoy it. All I wanted was a few more weeks until the all clear is given before making arrangements like god parents and baby showers and the sort. Even the choosing of god parents was not discussed with me. He did that himself and has asked people without conversation with me. 

I don't want to sound selfish or unfair and I am glad that he is happy about the pregnancy. I shouldn't sound ungrateful. I just wish that he could have communicated with me how he felt before going ahead with things first. I have been communicating with him the entire time along letting him know how scared I am and that I cannot wait to get the all clear so we can start doing things like buying cots / prams / clothes etc. And more importantly picking god parents and the such. It now feels like more pressure. I guess I'm just being overly emotional.