Two Under 2
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How did your relationship with baby #1 change when baby #2 came?
redjetta22
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in Two Under 2
How did your relationship with child #1 change with the arrival of #2? Some background: this pregnancy was a pleasant surprise but we are truly excited that we will have two boys just under 2 years apart. But throughout the pregnancy, I've found myself feeling very protective of DS1 and my relationship with him where the new baby is concerned. I'm sure some of the feelings of loyalty to the one I am so close to now versus the one I haven't "met" yet must be pretty common. I just don't want DS to feel displaced or that he is losing me. He will be nearly two, so he is old enough to be really impacted by this change, but not old enough to really be prepared for it or understand it. Please share your experience. Also any advice on how to prepare him somehow would be great. :-) tia
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Re: How did your relationship with baby #1 change when baby #2 came?
It's an interesting adjustment for sure. We're tandem nursing and I think that positively impacted our transition. My older one doesn't seem to feel pushed aside or that he's losing me because he's still getting just as much of me as the baby is. They nurse together and the only time I don't let him nurse when the baby is is bedtime, because I like them both to have their own special nursing time to get sleepy. We also have a super easy baby so she hasn't taken up a ridiculous amount of time. I imagine if she was colicky or something he'd have a different opinion of her.
Overall I feel like my relationship with my son has gotten even better since the baby came. He's had a verbal explosion in that window of time too so we've been talking a lot. I try to focus exclusively on him in the car because baby is safe and happy. He's able to tell me what he needs and how he's feeling and all that has made our relationship stronger, even though sometimes he's telling me that he's mad.
Also, seeing your babies together will make you love them each even more. Watching that relationship grow is the most beautiful thing.
Finally, I will admit (as weird as it is to say) that I do still feel a stronger connection to my older child. I love babies but I love kids more, so with my son I have definitely grown in my love for him as he's gotten older. I don't fall in love quickly, so for me his whole life as been me falling in love with him more and more. My daughter is the same way. I love her, but I'm slowly falling more and more in love with her and so I accept that right now I don't love her as much as my son but I know I will and I'm ok with that.
Definitely common.
I don't think my relationship changed in the beginning-it was moreso my relationship with my youngest. I think it was because I dont like the newborn phase as much and my oldest was becoming a toddler and a lot of fun so I felt more bonded to my son still in the beginning. Now it's kind of evened out and we have our own special, unique relationships with both of them.
When I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt for taking away my undivided attention, I tried to focus on the bigger picture and what I was giving him. He would have a built in playmate throughout his childhood. He would have a relationship with a sibling that likely would last longer than my own relationship with him. When DH and I get older and get sick/pass on, he will have that sibling to help him through that.
Now that they're a little older, it is sweet to watch their relationship develop. They really are best buddies. The second my DD wakes up in the morning, my DS runs back to his room and says "Hi baby!" all excitedly and my DD starts laughing/smiling. If she cries, he will run over, rub her arm and say "it's ok baby" (he still calls her baby, LOL). Of course, they have their moments of bickering already, but I would say more often than not their interactions are positive.
I notice that having a sibling close in age has really brought out some amazing character traits in my oldest (although maybe it's just temperament, I think having a sibling helped). He is empathetic towards others. He shares well-much better than most kids his age. He is independent, determined to do things himself and self sufficient.
I really think overall, while I did lose out on some alone time with just my oldest, what we gained makes up for it and then some. I love raising children together this way. It's had its challenging moments but has been an amazing experience overall.
Thank you for your post. I've been having similar feelings but trouble trying to figure out what my real concerns were as my sons will be about 19 months apart. This was also a pleasant surprise pregnancy, but we tried to conceive DS for seven years and to me he is perfect and more than enough.
Even just these two answers have been helpful to me to keep things in perspective.
Good luck to you.
I remember thinking the same thing when I was pregnant w DD. It took us 6 years to get pg w DS so you and I have a lot in common in this respect!
I felt so guilty for even being pg bc I was SO sick the entire time and on home/hospital bed rest- I feel like I missed out on half of his first year. But, I was REALLY afraid I wouldn't love DD as much or that he would continue to be somewhat neglected after she was born.
Once DD was born, I immediately fell in love w her. Right after she was born, I wanted my son!! I just wanted to hold both of them- so I did, of course. And DS looked down at her and grabbed her fingers very gently like he knew that this was our baby. Oh it was the sweetest moment - it only lasted 10 seconds bc then he wanted poke her in the eyes lol - but that is a precious memory to me!! is so strange how you can love another child just like your first. I am fiercely protective over both of them... And still love them both the same!
Now they are both toddlers, 1 and 2. They are very different but also very much alike. They LOVE each other. They play and laugh and have squeeling matches and chase each other around the house and wrestle!! It is hilarious! Granted, it is not all rainbows - they both hate to share! But fwiw, I love having them so close regardless of the challenges it presents.
So, to answer your original question, I think my relationship w #1 changed for the better. In the beginning, I tried to keep his schedule the same and I think that helped. I am a firm believer in schedules and the peace of mind they bring. The beginning never was hard for me. Actually I think it was easier, a lot less stress. I guess bc you just had a newborn and know what to do and expect. Don't worry about this. Trust me. After #2 is born you are going to look back and think why was I worried?!
Hi I worried about this my ENTIRE pregnancy and I'm so regretful now! I too worried about how my relationship would change, how would my DD get all of me that she was used to (and how I would get all of her as I was used to), how would I do all the things she and I were accustomed to and happy with and I too questioned how I would love #2 as much even though I always wanted 2 children. I felt guilty the whole 9 months and never enjoyed my pregnancy as I did the first time and had many moments of resentment. I was so anxious and the weeks prior to birth were the worst. I tried to listen when people told me I had enough love for two and that I would get used to a new normal. The morning I left to give birth, I was in tears leaving my DD.
Two hours later I was holding the 2nd best thing in my life. The moment DD#2 was put on my chest I knew I loved her as much as my first and all the stress and anxiety melted away. I was counting the hours until DD#1 would arrive and meet her little sister and when she arrived, all was right in my world. Everything has been amazing ever since(they are 21 months apart and the baby is now 6 months old).
The bond they already have is incredible and the way they love each other and smile at each other and laugh is probably the best thing in the world. It is something I wasn't prepared for or expected and it does as the PP said make you love them even more.
In the beginning I did feel guilt when I couldn't give DD1 all my time but I gave her what I could and as much as I could. She went through a very brief "needy" time and wanting "Mommy" but it didn't last long. It was easier with a newborn to give her the attention, now it's a little more challenging but in different ways. But the baby still takes two naps right now that gives me some time with her alone. And sometimes I just let her be independent so I can get one or two things done. I definitely let the house go so that I can give both of them as much of my attention as possible. I will say that DD2 does not get the same amount of my time that DD1 did but that is just par for the course, you don't have it but she also has something that DD! didn't at the time, a sibling that ADORES her. Yes the greatest thing you give #1 is a sibling and there is nothing greater than that especially after seeing the way they are with each other and I pray it will just keep getting better. (I didn't have that relationship with my younger sister and I hope they remain best friends forever).
Sometimes I miss my alone time with DD1 but I wouldn't change it for the world. I LOVE having two (wish I could have 3). Just tonight as I was bringing out dinner for our picnic outside, I was carrying 2 cups, one for my toddler and a sippy for the baby and I thought, I love that I have to bring out 2. I just love love love it. You will too!! I am going to re-copy a poem that I saw on this board once. I saw it way after the baby was born but it still hit me hard when I read it and it will make you feel better!! I'll post it shortly.
Here it is:
I walk along holding your two year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in ...your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't." Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you- - only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you- -you each have your own supply. I love you- - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. -Author Unknown
My girls are a little under 22 months apart and I think I expected the transition to be much harder on DD1 than it was.
The first few weeks/months, the baby slept a lot, so I made it a point to use that time to give DD1 plenty of attention. I also tried to get her involved with taking care of her little sister: I would have her open the box of wipes or bring me a clean diaper, that sort of thing. Being at the age where she wanted to do everything like mommy, she got a real thrill out of it.
Also, one advice (I think I read it on here, actually) that stuck with me was to show your older child that he doesn't always have to come second. FOr instance, if the baby is fussing, you can say something like "Now baby, mommy needs to finish doing X with your big brother, so you have to be patient". Obviously the baby has no idea what you're saying, but it helps make the older child feel important. We also try to be careful how we say things to DD1. For instance, I avoid saying I can't do something because of the baby. So instead of saying "I can't come tuck you in because I'm nursing your sister", I'll say something like "Daddy really wants to tuck you in tonight but I'll make sure to come and give you a kiss when he's done"
Hope that helps!
I don't think it really changed, per se, but I did start to view DD1 as older than she was/is sometime in the third trimester with DD2. She was just over a year old when DD2 was born, and I definitely expected her to be older than her age. We had about a month of rough-ish transition, with jealousy, etc., but once that passed, everything was wonderful. They are now 20 and 33 months old, and are best friends. It's really awesome.
(And of course, the minute DD2 was born, I was just as in love with her as with my older girls).
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For me, I find it to be a very special relationship, and different than it was before her brother was born. She is my little lady, my helper, a great big sister, and I compliment her a lot on what a great big sister she is. But, she's still my first baby! I make sure we get quality time together, we call it Mother-Daughter dates, and I tell her, too, that SHE is still my baby too. She doesn't like it right now (she's a BIG girl:) but I think she likes hearing it (she's three and a half).
Your relationship with each child, when you have more than one, evolves naturally. I wouldn't pre-analyze it too much. Just take each day as it comes, and remember, quality is better than quantity!