loss at 34 weeks

zoiefeff

My husband and I recently received the gut wrenching news that there was no longer a heartbeat to be heard of our baby boy. I had to endure a vaginal delivery and all that goes with it void of a happy ending. It has been almost three weeks now and I was just wondering if there is hope after such a huge loss. We are very fortunate to have a healthy, beautiful little girl but I never wanted her to be an only child. Am I crazy for wanting to try and have another one so soon? having really mixed emotions and can"t get my head straight!! Is this all normal?

Is there anyone out there that didn't have an autopsy performed? Did you go on to have another healthy child?

So many questions......

johnnys june

**** ticker warning ****

1st, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby boy.  *hugs*  Although I hate when anyone has to come here due to the circumstances...welcome.  There are some amazing women here.

 2nd, be gentle with yourself.  Three weeks out everything is still so fresh.  Your thoughts, confusion, conflicted emotions are absolutely "normal"....the new normal that is.  Take time to grieve and work through these emotions before making any major decision.

3rd, yes, there is hope.  There are (sadly) plenty of us loss mommas who are still learning how to grieve, heal, and adjust to the new normal...but it does get better.  Not necessarily easier, and the pain will never go away, but you will learn how to manage the pain easier and find the happiness in the memories you have of your little boy.

4th, you are NOT crazy for wanting to try again.  Most of the women on this board have the desire to try again.  When/if you're ready, feel free to jump in on the TTCAL (Trying to conceive after loss) check in that the girls just started.  There is also the TTCAL board.  I am currently pregnant with my rainbow baby after experiencing an incompetent cervix, preterm labor, an 11 day NICU stay, the passing of my son, and a year of trying to conceive, infertility, and meds.  It isn't an easy journey, but there are so many women on here who have held my hand {virtually} through it all.  

You are not alone.  Again, be gentle with yourself.  Ask as many questions as you need....post as often as you need.  We're here...always. 

sloannmark

I'm do sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Though I was not as far along, going through delivery and not having the good things to come it is completely devastating and no one should have to go through this. We did not have autopsies on our boys. And despite it still being so soon, I constantly think about trying again. I think it's normal...

barbie92

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy. There is hope. You will always miss your son, because you love him so much, but as time goes on you will learn how to deal with the pain. Right now just focus on one day at a time, and give yourself time to grieve. I also wanted to start trying as soon as possible, so you are not crazy. I am so sorry that you have to be here with us, but these women are an amazing support system. You aren't alone, and if you ever have any questions or just need to vent we are all here for you and we understand. ((hugs))  

 

cherrycobbler

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy.  I know this is very overwhelming and it seems like you will never have your head straight again, but you will.  Like the others said, you will be changed because of this, but you can and will make it through.  Every emotion you feel is valid and normal and will seem to fluctuate from moment to moment.  

The desire to try again so soon is also normal.  I said I wanted to do it as soon as possible on the ride home from the hospital after our son died.  It doesn't mean that your son is replaceable, you just expected to be a mother (again), to have a baby to care for, your body wants to take care of your baby.

There is hope.  It may take some time to feel that way, but I keep the hope.  I know there are a lot of amazing women here who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies after their loss, they all give me hope.

I hate to welcome you here, but there are some amazing women here and I hope they are able to bring you some comfort on your journey.  Much love and (hugs) to you and your family. 

weddedwife

Everything you are feeling is normal. Though my loss was earlier than yours, I too endured a vaginal delivery without the happy outcome. It was heart wrenching. I too have an older child, a daughter. Parenting her was so hard in those first few weeks; I could barely keep it together. Almost everyone here thinks about getting pregnant again right away; some do it some decide to wait a bit. Give yourself some time to grieve the child you have lost; you will know you are ready when your desire for another baby outweighs the fear.

 I am currently pg w/ my rainbow, and the fear never totally goes away. Pregnancy is not the same as it was the last 2 times for me- I am just plain scared.

 They did not do an autopsy on my son either. But he looked normal and perfect in every way. They did not suspect any issues w/ him at all, that part was hard to accept. I sometimes wonder if I should have demanded an autopsy but then I worry that his little body already went through so much... I know he wouldn't have felt a thing but those are the kinds of things we think about.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. Did you name him?

Mrs Nice

I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy. Did you name him? I also endured the loss of my son at 34 weeks. Tho we did not need to have an autopsy bc it was due to a cord accident. 

It is absolutely normal to want to try again so soon. You are a morher without your baby. Your arms feel empty. I was told we had to wait for three months to heal physically before trying again. It was the longest three months of my life. There is hope, tho the journey will in no way be easy. I just had my rainbow baby in February. When you are ready, we will be here to support you through this very difficult time.

Big hugs! 

krissywave

I am sorry for your loss.  But like others have said there are several women that have had a loss that later end up with a rainbow baby.  As far as starting again to try to have a baby.  You will know when its right for you.  You know how you feel.  My only thing is atleast sit down with your partner and see how he feels.  Some times one person is ready when the other person may not be.  So make sure you talk to him.

astraight15

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.  I lost my daughter at 38 weeks and had to endure a vaginal delivery as well.  We chose not to do an autopsy and doctors could not give us any answers as to what went wrong.  I know the feeling of wanting to try again right away and my husband & I are planning to start trying again this summer.  I think that you just have to do what feels right for you & do not let anyone tell you what you should be doing or how you should feel.  ((Hugs))

zoiefeff

His name is Collin James. He weighed 3lbs 12oz. and like your son, he looked completely normal. There is no reasonable explantation that anyone has been able to give as to why this happened. My husband and I felt the same way as you when it came to the autopsy. I just couldn't imagine him having to go through anything else!!!

In response to another pregnancy, my Md informed me that when and if we decided to have another child, no prenatal visit would ever be the same. Everytime they bring out the fetal monitor, he said I would be holding my breath. He must know me pretty well. I'm sure that happens to all of us who have experienced a previous loss. If you have , I hope that for you that fear will soon absolve itself!!

Everyone that has replied thus far has been absolutely amazing. I am so thankful that this site was recommended to me!!!

SweetBaby2004

**Siggy warning** 

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. 

Like the others have said, be patient and gentle with yourself.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, for as long as you feel it; there is no timeline for "getting over it" as many in your life may expect.  You never forget, but it does become easier. 

Your feelings are normal - from being devastated and hopeless to wanting to try again and being hopeful for the future.

I lost our son, Gabriel, at 22 weeks, in 2011 so not quite as far as you.  His delivery was by far the hardest I have ever had, mostly I think to not having a "happy outcome" to look forward to.  Our world felt like it was falling apart yet we had three other children we had to attend to.  My MIL came for 2 weeks to help us with the other children so we could focus on us a bit.

We were told to wait 3 months before TTC again.  We started in April 2011 and got a BFP in July 2011.  Our rainbow baby is now 3 months old.  My emotions were still raw during the pregnancy with DD#3 and it was very hard to be pregnant while still thinking of our angel.  Our other children still remember their angel brother, which is touching and wonderful but still hard to hear sometimes. 

Know the board is filled with supportive women, feeling exactly what you are feeling.  Take care of yourself.

foxxy1

Hi there, 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Did you name him?

Also, we didn't have an autopsy for our Ethan. He came out perfect and we already knew the cause of his early arrival so there was no need. We're currently trying to conceive right now and we started the moment we got clearance for it to be okay.

You'll be going to have a variety of emotions and feelings since it's all still so fresh. I want you to take it easy and not try to feel too guilty about what happened.  The only feeling your son will ever know is love from his parents.  

ally2011

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

I think it is very normal to want to try right away again at first. It takes 3 months to fully physically heal, and many doctors will advise waiting 6 months for emotional and mental healing.  There are a lot of up and down waves over the first several months through the first year anniversary (and still some after that).   The first several months feel like a fog.  Like this is not your life.  You may feel surreal and detached.  After 3 months the fog will lift a little, but I would say it took me until 9 months to really turn a corner.  We have the complicating factor of a likely 25% chance of a repeat, but that aside, I have seen many other women here experience the same.

I think one of the reasons we want to try again so soon is that we think somehow it will protect us from having to go through the grief.  But sadly, it won't.  There is a book called Good Grief by Westberg that I think is helpful in terms of understanding the many phases of grief (more than the "traditional" ones).  I would also recommend Grieving the Child I Never Knew and Empty Cradle Broken Heart.

Going through the loss of a child is very difficult.  Some days you may feel like you will never be ok again, like you will be in deep despair forever, like you will just spiral further and further down.  Please know that you will smile again, you will have joy again and you will heal.  But it takes time.  We are all here for you as much as you need.

My best advice would be to table a decision on trying again for at least 3 months and then see where you are at that time.  I would also encourage you to talk to a grief counselor or visit a support group even if you think you don't need it.  Our local Hospice provides free counseling to anyone in the community, and there may be other agencies that do the same.  

I am so sorry again for the loss of your sweet baby boy.

Hugs,

Jenn 

ally2011

Also, I read in the Grieving the Child I Never Knew book that your arms might feel empty, like you need something to hold.  It suggested getting a stuffed animal...that may sound silly, but my husband got a big stuffed puppy for me from Toys R Us and for the first several months I slept with it and cuddled it a lot.  I don't anymore...but it was a great comfort early on.

Hugs,

Jenn 

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.  I felt all of what you felt after delivering our son.  Your feelings aren't crazy at all...it's normal to have mixed emotions and to feel different from minute to minute.  I'm sorry you're joining us, but welcome to the group.

Heatherhah

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet abby boy. Take your time and heal it is so hard losing a baby.

Right when we found out our baby died I asked  the doctor when can I get pregnant again it was my first shocking response to the news. Well here I am pregnant with my rainbow after 6 months. It is very natural and normal for us loss moms to want to get pregnant right away it is human nature. We lost something we should have.

Don't rush to much it is very hard being pregnant after losing your baby. I lost my daughter at 38wks 4 days and there is no safe zone for me so I am scared all the time.

But we are all here for you!! Many Many hugs to you in the upcoming weeks. We are here if you need us!!

Heather

BootsOrHearts

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I know that awful feeling of being told 'there is no heartbeat'. There is nothing worse in the world than hearing those words.  It makes my heart sink even now thinking about it.

You are very normal in feeling you want to get pregnant again NOW. I have been the same way since my loss and would be trying as soon as I could, if not for my doctor telling me I have to wait until after my fibroid removal surgery.  We know we can't replace our angel babies, but it makes the desire to hold a healthy, full term baby in our arms that much stronger.

I can relate to the vaginal delivery thing also, I have no basis of comparison but I'd guess the contractions were just as bad as they would have been at full term, only without any of the joy on the other end. I put off getting an epi for a long time, I guess I just wanted to feel the pain and know it was all real and make sure I would remember it. 

We had an autopsy performed on our little guy and in retrospect I wish we wouldn't have so that we could have had remains to bury at the cemetery. It was pretty obvious from looking at him that he has perfect in every way and we had already had chromosomal problems ruled out.  It was frustrating to know that there was nothing wrong with him or with me, it just 'happened'.

The ladies on this board are here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, some kind words or advice. I hope you are able to heal emotionally and physically. 

tuscanbride2007

I am so very sorry for your loss of your son. I know what it is like to have a healthy child, one that was waiting to be a big sister, and then everything gets ripped away in an instant.

As the previous posters have said, all of your emotions are normal. Be gentle with yourself and feel what you need to. My heart goes out to you, because I know what it is like to lose the life you had been preparing for in an instant.

 ((HUGS))

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your Collin James. I understand how difficult it is to not have an explanation. We decided to do an autopsy but we still have no answers. Our daughter was absolutely perfect. The only thing that gives me peace is knowing that if they can't discover what happened after she died, then there is no way anyone could have prevented her death.

We also wanted to try again right away. We have no other children, and our dream of parenting is still alive and it is the only thing keeping me together right now. I know another pregnancy will be difficult and I don't expect the fear to ever go away, but our dream is stronger than the fear.