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Pre-School and Daycare
Please share your sibling adjustment horror stories
Hi. I am concerned that my 4 year old is failing to cope with his new little brother. My ped suggested adjustment disorder, but the info is so vague- all it says is 'symptoms are more severe than would be expected'. How should I know what should be expected?! So, if you had a child that had difficulty adjusting to being a sibling instead of an only, please share your experience. How bad was it? How long did it take to resolve? Did you do anything to help it improve? How is it now?
Just an additional note, I was in school full time, and now SAH with both boys, so DS actually gets MORE parent time than previously, so the old 'quality time' thing doesn't apply here, DS is getting wayyyyy more than his fair share of attention.
Thanks for helping, we are pretty worried =/
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Re: Please share your sibling adjustment horror stories
It was horrible. Harm just seemed like an alien abducted him and was occupying his body
It does take time!!! I cannot say that enough. Also make dates with your son. Go do something fun with him. You mention you spend more time with him but he might be missing his friends and his daycare or pre-k. When you spend time make it quality.
I didn't think of these things. I went from working FT to PT when the twins came home and so I figured with that and full time nanny Harmon was fine but he wasn't. It was difficult for me to realize that he could feel my stress with the new babies and was missing his old life. Also I needed time to fall back in love with Harmon. I was so frustrated with him b/c he was acting up. We both really needed to reconnect.
That is my best advice. It is pretty tough. Don't ever want to go through that process again
I agree with pp, it takes time and there are no shortcuts. It is a hard transition for everyone, especially young kids who don't have very good coping skills. I'd try to avoid labeling your DS with some type of disorder. You don't say what his behaviors are but attaching a negative label is not going to help. Like pp said, you have to find ways to reconnect and bond with your older child, too. It is going to be different from the way it was when he was the only one, but you need to find whatever makes it work for both of you.
I know it's hard; we are still in the thick of it ourselves, but things are slowly getting better. I've talked to lots and lots of moms about it and it is a huge struggle for pretty much every family, regardless of the age of the older child. Hang in there, and know you're not doing anything wrong and this too shall pass. Hugs!
I had my twins first. They were 2 years 10 months when baby #3 was born. When the baby was about 6-9 months old (my memory is awful) DD asks me "Mommy when is he going back?" meaning the baby. I told her "honey he's not going back. He's going to live with us from now on". She ignored him for a couple of days.
DS bonked him on the head with an action figure when he was about 5 months old - it happened so fast and the baby was sitting in my lap when he hit him.
They finally started accepting him when he was about a year and a half. Even now though I have to watch them. ex: DS twin was STANDING on his butt while he was laying down on the floor. Poor baby was pinned down and crying.
They do things to annoy him - he has a little toy car he likes to scoot around in - they hold it until he cries. For the most part now though - they really love him and enjoy playing with him. They're really affectionate now that they're both 5 and he's 2.
Most of this but we are still very much in the thick of things. Apparently I let the word "dammit" slip because I was nursing the baby last week while # 1 stood right in my face screaming "No! Dammit! No Dammit" several times in a row as loud as she could. We have also in these past 8 weeks experienced 2 days of potty training g regression, 3 weeks of a huge sleep regression, fits of pure rage, complete lack of listening, continuous "over performance" mode, a hitting regression (hitting both herself and us) , and the list goes on. She also picked up a fingers in the mouth/semi thumb sucking habit because her best friend at school does this. Have I mentioned the non stop whining and fits?
How does your doctor define the disorder? I think I have a disorder now as a result of all this!!
All kids are going to react in some way to a major change in their lives (and we do as adults too!). Just because your DS is having a hard time does not mean he has a "diagnosis" or mental health issues. I actually think that is absurd for your pedi to suggest. Although I am not surprised, because there seems to be this need in our society to label everything.
I am not there yet with having to watch DS adjust to his new brother, so I can't speak from personal experience. But I can say change is hard for everyone, especially when you are little and you don't have a lot of coping skills.
I would give it time. Hang in there.
My DD was almost exactly 4 when her brother was born. In some ways it was great, because she was old enough to understand what was happening, but on the other hand it was HORRIBLE... because she was old enough to understand what was happening. I also left work to be home with them when he was born. While I worked, her grandma babysat her. So the birth of her brother suddenly meant a lot less time with her favorite caretaker!
I would say her adjustment went through three stages:
1) For the first several months, she actively disliked him and complained about him. She was angry and let us know it in her words and behavior. The angry behavior and regressions mentioned by the pp are just about what I remember.
The whole "gift from the baby" thing at the hospital was rejected. She never got into the whole "Mommy's little helper" routine, probably because she saw right through it. She wanted nothing to do with the baby, and when she wasn't being naughty, she talked longingly of the good old days before his birth.
2) After the first several months, she settled into a pattern of ignoring him as much as possible. This lasted for the first few YEARS. During these first two stages, we did not try to push her to "love" her brother or to "be a nice big sister." We just let her feel whatever she was feeling. Of course, we never allowed her to be mean or hurtful to him, but we didn't prevent her from expressing herself to us. We even agreed that, "yes -- babies are difficult! It's no fun dealing with a crying baby! We're frustrated at times too!" And later, "I know -- toddlers can be unreasonable. Tantrums are hard on everyone, it's true. Yours were much more extreme, if you can believe that."
3) During the summer when he was almost 4 and she was almost 8, things changed. She became interested in him as a playmate, and he could keep up with her in play and conversation. Now, although neither would say it, they are certainly each others' best friend. They bicker and fight too, but the interaction is very positive. She will actually allow him to hang out with her and her friends, if they're around and he doesn't also have a friend over, which I find remarkable for a middle school girl.
Hang in there! Acknowledge his feelings, continue to set limits with the older one so he knows that you're still in charge -- it'll make him feel more secure. Give it time.
DD was fine when DS was first born (she had been asking for a sibling for over a year when he was born). Everything went downhill when he started being cute/getting more attention for doing things. Every time he hit a milestone for about a year (smiling/sitting up/walking), she would go through a phase where she was barely controllable. She would get sent to timeout, and spend hours there before she would calm down enough to (yes, on two occasions she screamed uncontrollably for 3 hours - every time she caught sight of me, she screamed louder) for things like, refusing to help clean up her playroom, losing privileges for not listening, or throwing things after being told to stop.
It has gotten better now that DS is one. I don't really know why it got better, but it did.
On the other hand, my cousin (who I am pretty close with now, but couldn't stand as a kid), spent the first 6-7 years of his sister's life life terrorizing her. They are only 2 years apart, and my family feared DD would not survive her childhood. We are talking, repeatedly dumping her out of her cradle as an infant, and physical violence towards her as she got older. It took until he was in middle school for them to be civil. But not, they are best of friends, and joke about how horrible of a brother he was. He is actually the most gentle, bright, and loving man now, though.
Horror stories I have.
Adjustment stories are few and far between.
My boys are like oil and water to this day (3.5 and 5 years old). Yeah, they play together now (sometimes) but DS1 makes it his mission in life to remind DS2 that he is younger, littler, etc., etc.
I like talking to grown men with brothers and hearing about how they beat on each other constantly until they were teenagers (or so) but now get along just fine.
I'll be glad when my kids take it out of earshot.
Umm, yeah. DS became the king of the guilt trip. He cried to his stuffed animals at night about how he was glad THEY loved him because MOMMY and DADDY didn't. He thought that I didn't love him because all I did was feed DD and never played with him any more. (BFing was going really badly. I ended up quitting so that I could spend more time NOT feeding DD.)
When DD was around 3 months old, he settled in and became resigned to his fate, I guess. He got used to her being around, but had no real interest in her. Recently, he is alternating between trying to play with her and proving that he's bigger, stronger, and master of the pack. He pointedly avoids her except when he wants to play with her. He will happily hug her when he feels like it, but no way on earth is he going to let her hug him back, LOL.
So, we're SLOWLY getting somewhere.