XH's mother has no concept of propriety

CFjo2010

In early May my XH attempted to make plans with my daughter without discussing them with me first. He wanted the kids to spend the night with his mother in a hotel the night before they fly out to TN to see him, and then have his mother take the kids to the airport. I told him absolutely not. My husband and I already purchased tickets for the Pirates dinner show for the night before the kids leave, and quite frankly I?m not agreeable to giving up my last afternoon with the kids before they leave for 2 weeks. XH?s mother will be hopping on a plane a few days later and joining them in TN, so it?s not as though they would be missing out on seeing her while they?re out there. When I told XH that he needed to discuss these things with me first, he blew up. Then his lovely and classy mother sent me an obscenity filled email about how selfish I am.

This morning my son informs me that his grandmother (XH?s mother) sent him a message on FB asking if he and his sister could go to a party at his Aunt?s the day they fly out and that she would drive them to the airport. What. The. HELL?! I already said "no" on May 6^th, what makes her think my answer now will be any different?

I?m livid. Completely livid. This behavior is completely irresponsible and inappropriate, right? What grown woman would ask a 12 year old if he can come to a party and not discuss it with the mother first? Especially since I would be expected to drive the kids to the Aunt?s house 1 ? away? I feel like I need to call her and then shake her through the phone. How on Earth can she possibly think it?s ok to put a 12 year old in the middle of this and try to guilt me into doing what she wants?

Hopeforthebest

Eww that certainly feels like she is trying to get you to look like the bad guy to the kids. Having you tell them no to "parties,puppies,ponies" whatever is a dirty move.

I would not entertain her at all, she lost that privlege once she sent you the obscenity laden email. I'd possibly contact the XH and explain how inappropriate her going directly through the kid was. Hopefully he handles it from there.

FutureMrsWittig

Is the Pirates show a surprise?  If not I'd just tell him "Sorry that's not going to work out, because we already have plans to go do xyz that night!  Be sure to thank Grandma for the invitation and tell her you'll see her in TN in a few weeks!"

ETA: And she doesn't think this is okay.  She's trying to get you to throw a big fit and look like the bad guy.  Don't bite! 

 

Holly_1007

yep, I would ask DS to print out the fb msg or forward it or whatever and send it to XH explaining that it is entirely inappropriate for XMIL to invite the children without clearing it with you first, then remind him you already said no.

any further outbursts from xmil and you will be forced to block her from your sons fb page.  

CFjo2010

FutureMrsWittig:

Is the Pirates show a surprise?  If not I'd just tell him "Sorry that's not going to work out, because we already have plans to go do xyz that night!  Be sure to thank Grandma for the invitation and tell her you'll see her in TN in a few weeks!"

 

It's a surprise for all 3 kids actually, and I don't want to tell my son and have him spoil it for his sisters.  As for the party the next day, I explained to him that I'm not comfortable driving 1 1/2 hours to drop him and his sister off at a party with people I don't know and they haven't seen in several years, to turn around and drive another 1 1/2 hours home.

CFjo2010

holly71087:

yep, I would ask DS to print out the fb msg or forward it or whatever and send it to XH explaining that it is entirely inappropriate for XMIL to invite the children without clearing it with you first, then remind him you already said no.

any further outbursts from xmil and you will be forced to block her from your sons fb page.  

Sadly, she just recently was allowed to start having unsupervised contact with the kids again.  She has a history of discussing things with the children that they don't need to know about (aspects of our divorce, saying that I'm "ruining" XH's life by making him pay CS, blaming me for them not being invited to their father's wedding, etc.) so I told her any letters sent to the kids would be read by me first, phone calls would be on speaker and emails would be read by me first.  It's been about 9 months without issue, so I relaxed on reading all his emails and FB messages.  Shame on me.

FutureMrsWittig

jobalchak:

FutureMrsWittig:

Is the Pirates show a surprise?  If not I'd just tell him "Sorry that's not going to work out, because we already have plans to go do xyz that night!  Be sure to thank Grandma for the invitation and tell her you'll see her in TN in a few weeks!"

 

It's a surprise for all 3 kids actually, and I don't want to tell my son and have him spoil it for his sisters.  As for the party the next day, I explained to him that I'm not comfortable driving 1 1/2 hours to drop him and his sister off at a party with people I don't know and they haven't seen in several years, to turn around and drive another 1 1/2 hours home.

I totally understand wanting to surprise them.  And I think the answer you gave was fine.  He's old enough to understand.

I agree with PP, I'd be blocking Gma from the facebook account.

CFjo2010

MelRC117:

And what kind of "party" is going on for the Aunt?  That doesn't seem like a fun kid party to me AT ALL.  Maybe I'm missing something...but I guess if their cousins would be there or something?  Its seems like it would be an adult party or some family get together.  I don't know how old your son is, but my SS is 10 and it sounds like fun until he tells us he's bored an hour later at things like that.

The Aunt finally graduated college (she's 38).  I've known about the graduation since December and have been asking XH and his mother for the details so the kids could go.  No one ever got back to me, so I made plans for the kids.  Then a month ago it gets brought up to me, after I've already purchased tickets for things and my XH sat on him thumbs for months deciding about airfare.

Kaeldrasmommy

wendilea:

Remind them both that their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part. They had months to plan for this visitation, and if grandma wanted a day with them before they flew off to see dad, then DAD should have arranged for it (on his time, not yours).  

I would tell your XH you are not comfortable leaving the kids alone with his mother because of her behavior, and you will not be changing your schedule to accomodate her.  He also needs to tell his mother to keep the kids out of it.  

This sounds perfect.

SueBear

un-friend and block her on FB! 

CFjo2010

SueBear:

un-friend and block her on FB! 

I would really like to!!  I'm trying to make it so that my son can stay in contact with XH's side of the family and FB is really the only way that seems to work.  Although, this behavior is making me question why I want him staying in contact with them...