Loss Check-in

Mrs Nice · June 2012

Hi Ladies,

I thought for the first check-in it would be a good idea to post introductions. I know a lot of us know each other already but it will be nice for any new moms to get to know us too. Any lurkers out there who have been thinking of posting more, this is your chance to jump in!

Feel free to share as much or as little as you want.

Name:

Angel(s) Name:

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary:

Your story thus far:

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading?

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in?

Mrs Nice · June 2012

Name: TammyAngel(s) Name: Ian DarylAngel(s) DOB/Angelversary: March 6, 2011Your story thus far: My DH and I decided we would start to TTC the beginning of 2010, and in August of that year I got my very first BFP. I was sooo excited! The pregnancy was pretty normal. I had some morning sickness and some cravings but nothing over the top. I breathed a sigh of relief when we entered the second trimester and was really enjoying being pregnant. I was so happy when I started to feel the baby move and knew that it was safe as long as it was inside me. How wrong I was. I awoke one morning when I was 34weeks pregnant and knew something was wrong right away. I hadn't felt the baby move all night. Normally the baby was most active at night. My DH drove me to the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed. No heartbeat. Labor was induced the afternoon of March 5th and my son was born in the evening of March 6th. Four days before my 28th birthday. When he was born, we had our answer as to what went wrong. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck three times and there was a true knot in it. Knowing what happened still did not answer the question "why?!" I still have guilt. Did I move a certain way that made him get tangled up? I was suppose to protect him! I failed. I know deep down in my heart that there was nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening but I don't think that the guilt will ever go away.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · June 2012

Name: Jessica

Angel(s) Name: Corbin Scott

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 10/28/11 to 12/3/11

Your story thus far: Very unevenful pregnancy other than gestational diabetes. Went into PTL on 10/27/11 and Corbin was born on 10/28/11 at 9:02AM weighing 5lbs 11oz. We were in the NICU for 11 days due to gestational age and jaundice. Took him to his 1 month wellness check-up on 12/1/11 and he was fine. On Friday night, 12/2/11 my husband woke up at 3am because he hadn't heard him make a sound (normally a very noisy sleeper) and he woke me up saying he wasn't breathing. Official cause was bronchitis, bronchiolitis and trachitis. They're thinking it was an RSV or resperatory super virus. My mom works with a woman who used to be a pediatric nurse and she told her several stories of people who had children who were completely fine and then 2 hours later were gone. He never exhibited any signs of being sick.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? It's a ways off yet but my DH and I are going on a Meditteranean cruise in October. We're actually leaving on Corbin's first birthday. I hate that we're going on vacation instead of celebrating his first birthday but I love that we'll be in an airplane in the sky on his birthday.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? My Corbin. Sunday was his 6 month Angelversary. The memories, both good and bad, have been flooding back

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? I can't think of anything right now

sloannmark · June 2012

Name: Erica

Angels Names: Gabriel Mark and Zachary David

Angels DOB: 5/20/12 (Gabriel) and 5/24/12 (Zachary)

Story thus far: My RE told me I was "unchartered waters" due to my serious fibroids. After 3 surgeries in 6 months to remove them, there were more... So we were beyond thrilled when we got pregnant on our first IVF with twins! It was not an easy 17 weeks. Despite no morning sickness and feeling generally ok, I bled almost every week, often passing clots. The OB said that was ok as long as the babies were ok, and each time I went into the office in a panic, they were perfect... Until one morning I woke up soaking wet-- my water had broken. The babies were ok but baby A had very little fluid. After a night in the hospital, I was put on bed rest, hoping that his sac would mend itself. Sadly, a few days later, his umbilical cord began to come out of me. Back to the hospital we went... Gabriel had died. There was no talk of delivering him then, only trying to cut the cord and clamp it. However, my body wanted Gabriel out. I went to pee and out he came. The memory of that haunts me. We hoped that baby B (Zachary) would still be ok, but I was bleeding very heavily, fever, and getting worse. The OB said we needed to deliver. So after an epidural and pitocin, I delivered Zachary... We held him for a few moments and that was it. It was over.

Upcoming dates: the good- my MIL bought us Peter Gabriel tickets for September-- will be bittersweet as Peter Gabriel is very special for my DH and I... The dread: going back to work on Monday. I need to get back into a routine, but I'm scared I'll break down when I talk to people. I haven't talked to many people in person yet.

What's on my mind: my sons. I told my husband that I was afraid I can/will only be happy when we have a child, and scared I will never be there...

figgs0831 · June 2012

Name: Tamara

Angel(s) Name: Logan and Mason

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 7/1/11 and 1/31/12

Your story thus far: Lost both of my boys due to pPROM. Doctors are saying it was do to a blood disorder, auto-immune disorder and possible incompotent cervix. We are TTA until my new RE clears us. Hopefully, I'll find out on Friday how long we will be waiting.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Mason's EDD is 6/16 and Logan's first angelversary is on 7/1. I am not looking forward to either. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? I am finding that my bitter side is making an appearance again. Now that all of the June babies are either here or almost here, I am pissed. The "why them and not me" feelings are back.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? Not sure.

tuscanbride2007 · June 2012

Name: Laura

Angel(s) Name: Annabelle Leigh

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: March 25, 2012

Your story thus far: The day that I went into labor, I wasn't feeling my active girl as much. I just thought that she was getting ready to make her entrance into the world. When we got to the hospital, the nurses strapped the heart rate monitor onto my belly and had a hard time finding her heartbeat. I knew in that moment that our lives would change forever. When she was born she had a visible 3 inch blood clot in her umbilical cord, but when we had the autopsy done, it was discovered that it was actually 7 inches. While I am relieved to have a "reason," I am still upset that the thing that was attached to me, keeping her alive, was what ultimately caused her death.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? I have been dreading any holidays since that means being around a bunch of people and not having her with me. I hate that she is not going to be here for DH's birthday/father's day. It's just another day that I am sad and everyone around me wonders "what's wrong?"

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? My emotions have been on a roller coaster this week. I have been feeling sad some days and ok on others. I feel like I never know what is going to spur me into my sadness or what it going to pick me up out of it.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? None that I can think of right now.

medblais · June 2012

Name: Mary

Angel(s) Name: Genevieve Rose

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: May 8, 2011- June 14, 2011

Your story thus far: I had an uneventful pregnancy, delivered Genevieve at a birth center, and went home 4 hours after she was born. I spent 27 wonderful happy days where my live revolved around taking care of her and figuring out what life was going to look like with a baby. Then Friday, June 3, I took her to the birth center to be weighed and measured, as it was 2 weeks until her 6 week appointment and I just couldn't wait! That night she was really whiny, and I couldn't get her calmed down. I thought it was gas. I took her for a walk at 11 that night jut trying to calm her down. Then we took her temp and she was burning up and her breathing wasn't normal. So we went to the ER. They rushed her back immediately, intibated her, and had 8 people surrounding her little body for hours. We were in the NICU for 10 days. Genevieve had Group B strep that showed itelf as meningitis. They said she was too healthy for too long for it to have been from birth, so she must have contracted it from the environment. They were able to kill the infection, but the infection had done too much damage to her brain. They told us that IF should could breathe on her own, that was all she would be able to do. We took her off the ventilator, and signed a DNR. For the next 26 hours she was either in my arms or my husband's. After 26 hours, she took her last breathe while she was in my arms. She was born on Mother's Day of last year, and her funeral was the day before Father's Day. She hangs out with us in her little urn in the living room every day. DH and I have been on a roller coaster in this grief journey, but have decided we are ready to try for another baby. This is our first cycle.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? dreading- the anniversary of her death looking foward to- vacation in Curacoa, to avoid her death day and Father's Day

Free Topic. We were in the NICU this time last year. Randomly memories of the worst 10 days of my life pop back into my brain. It is horrible. And I don't want to share it with people and bring people down Sad

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? book recommendations- grief/loss related as well as not, how do you find support IRL, who have you told details of your loss- is it private or public, how has your loss affected your other relationships? These are just some ideas Smile

philfemgal · June 2012

Thank you for posting this thread and inviting lurkers! I have introduced myself before, but it's been months. I still lurk almost everyday though.

Name: Amanda

Angel(s) Name: Alice Joe

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks (lost her twin at 14 weeks)

Your story thus far: (Sorry this is so very long!!) This was my first pregnancy. To our surprise (we used donor sperm as we are a same-sex couple, but no fertility medications) it was twins. That wasn't part of our plan so at first it was very surprising and scary. I remember specifically crying the day we got that news while sitting on the couch and thinking about how much more dangerous a twin pregnancy is and thinking "I can't grow to love two babies and then have them taken away from me."

I was very anxious about a miscarriage in the 1st trimester, but other than some spotting/light bleeding here and there it was uneventful. We quickly got used to the idea of two babies and started buying things way earlier than we should have because we kept thinking "Two?! We'd better prepare asap!" We had a routine ultrasound at 14 weeks during an OB appointment and baby A (Alice) was doing fine but baby B had no heartbeat due to megacystis (had died a few days before). Losing B was hard--harder than I thought a loss at 14 weeks would be. But it wasn't quite devastating. We didn't know if B was a boy or girl so we hadn't picked a name. And we had another healthy baby to focus on, though we were crazy with worry about whether the other baby would be okay or whether something else would go wrong. (We were told that actually baby A had a *better* chance of survival after the death of the twin because twin pregnancies are much more dangerous than singleton pregnancies. The doctor also essentially said that baby B would be reabsorbed by my body within a month. Neither of these things turned out to be true.)

We found out Alice was a girl at a 16 week ultrasound at which she looked absolutely perfect. We visited my family for Christmas with ultrasound pictures and told them the name we'd picked out. Most of our Christmas presents were baby stuff. We visited close friends over New Years and they threw us a mini-shower with gifts as we weren't going to see them again before my due date. On January 4th we had our anatomy scan at 18.5 weeks. Again, the baby looked absolutely perfect.

The next day shortly after I woke up I felt a few twinges in my uterus, but ignored them as I was so anxious and worried after what happened to B that I would fixate on any little thing and convince myself that Alice had died. The pelvic twinges quickly changed to what felt like stomach pain, but coming in my back. I assumed it was gastrointestinal upset and when I called my OB's office they said the same and said just to call back if it got worse. I spent the rest of the day trying to ignore the pain (which really wasn't that painful for most of the day) even as I was reading about signs of pre-term labor. I just thought I was being overly anxious thinking it might be labor. Who goes into labor at 18.5 weeks 24 hours after a perfect anatomy scan!?

By 7-8 hours in the pain was worsening and I started timing it. It was coming ever 1.5 to 3 minutes. I called labor and delivery and they said they weren't very worried as long as there was no bleeding, but given that given I could time the pain I'd better come in and be checked. I started bleeding just before we left the house and in the car (~15 min drive) the pain started rapidly getting worse. I was in really bad pain by the time I got to l/d triage and had also started vomiting even though I hadn't eaten for most of the day. The nurse and OB I saw there at first seemed totally confused. Contractions weren't showing up on the monitor and they suspected food poisoning or a kidney stone. Meanwhile I was feeling like a caged animal in pain and panicked that they had no idea what was happening.

It was only when they checked my cervix that they realized I was indeed in labor--I was 4 cm and they said for a baby that size you only dilate to 5 cm total. They mentioned a cerclage as a possible last resort but didn't seem very hopeful at all. A few minutes later my water broke and they told me there was nothing they could do, that I would deliver the baby probably within the next few hours, and started telling me about pain management options. I delivered Alice within about 2-2.5 hours of having arrived at the hospital. B was delivered a bit later as I was trying to deliver the placenta (ended up having a d&c for that) and s/he was every bit as large as a 13.5/14 week fetus would normally be. There was no reabsorption that we could see.

After the loss we ended up waiting months to get autopsy results and try to find out what happened (even though apparently the results were available within days after the delivery--the doctors just had their heads up their asses and either couldn't find them or didn't look until almost 3 months after our loss.) They also at first gave us the results from B as if they were Alice's results--not realizing it was the wrong baby. We realized it was the wrong report because B was so much smaller than Alice and we looked at the measurements they listed.

In the end they didn't have much to tell us--it wasn't incompetent cervix, or pprom, and probably not an infection that caused labor (though I did have a mild infection after the d&c). Their ultimate explanation was that B's death caused the pre-term labor after a blood clot formed behind B's placenta after it detached from the uterus. On the bright side they seem to be very optimistic about a future pregnancy being totally healthy and going to term given the problem with this one seemed to be the twinness and the death of the first twin after the 1st trimester. I struggle, though. to believe this and trust the doctors since they were such idiots about other things like even being able to tell which baby the autopsy was for.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Our due date was Monday. It wasn't as bad for me as I thought it would be. It was much worse for my wife. She had to leave work on Tuesday after starting to cry and not being able to stop. And she will be working from home on Friday as a colleague has a pregnant wife (due in 2 weeks) and the office is having a shower for them. Luckily I am not really working right now (I'm an academic and am supposed to be using the summer for doing research--hah), so I don't have to deal with that sort of thing. Unfortunately, though, that means I have a lot of time to just think and be sad and have few distractions.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? On top of the due date being this week, we also just got an email last night from a very close friend announcing her pregnancy. That was 2 days after our due date. I spent last night just crying and crying and crying. Luckily we are going to a loss therapist we see every few weeks today.

karebear57 · June 2012

Name: Karen

Angel(s) Name: Brianna

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: October 8, 2011

Your story thus far: My dh last yr realized I was pg before I poas b/c I lost my taste for coffee! Did a test on May 21 before we left for my friend's wedding and it was pos.! I was very nauseated and dizzy (never was before) and started swelling right away, even before I tested. But other than that, we were both healthy. Had an a/s on Aug. 19 and found out I was gonna be getting my girl! My sis really wanted to go with me but my dh had to work so I got to surprise him and the boys! At that scan they couldn't get a clear pic of her heart so they rescheduled me for a couple of months later. In between appts. I didn't feel her move for the whole wk and by weeks end I was really freaking out. But that wknd when I was laying in bed I thought I felt her move a little, so I just thought she wasn't real active. We went on Oct.7 before we got ready for my sis's wedding and that's when we found our lil girl had no hb. I had lost all my fluid and didn't realize it (stupid). We went and I was induced, I was 25wks and they said it looked like I lost her a couple of wks before. When I had her they said I also had an infection which could have also caused me to lose her. I was in labor for almost 12hrs, they gave me 2 doses of cytotec. Brianna was born at 2:55a on October 8, 2011 weighing in at 1 lb 5 oz and 11 in.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Her first u/s on the 21st Broken Heart

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Miss my baby girl (always on my mind)...we are gonna finally go camping this weekend, just us and the boys..yay!

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in

Bayberry12 · June 2012

Name: Sara Angel(s) Name: StellaAngel(s) DOB/Angelversary: April 21, 2012Your story thus far: Many of you may have read my story recently, but I'll sum it up again here. I had one miscarriage, but shortly got pregnant again. The pregnancy progressed normally, I had no problems what so ever. At my 38 week appointment I mentioned that I though her movements were different and not as strong. I was sent to get monitored and dr. said every thing sounded fine. Relieved, I went home. One week later at my 39 week appointment, there was no longer a heartbeat. I was sent to the hospital right away to be induced. My sweet little girl was born 2 days later. Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? I am dreading father's day. I wanted so badly for my husband to have a child, and to see him with his baby. I know this day will be hard for me.Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Everything at the hospital happened so fast, I just wanted it to be over with. We didn't have a funeral or bring her ashes home, she is in an unmarked children's section of a cemetery, and now this breaks my heart. I am going to have a brick engraved in her honor and it will be placed around a fountain at a playground in our city. At least it will be a small memorial for her. Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? Nothing I can think of right now.

johnnys june · June 2012

Name: Misty

Angel(s) Name: Logan

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 10/28/10 and 11/8/10

Your story thus far: Experienced IC and preterm labor at 25 weeks - hospital bedrest for 3 days and emergency c-section. Logan was in the NICU and fought hard for 11 days. He died in my arms--the first and last time I was able to hold him. After a year of TTCAL, infertility issues, meds, ect. I am currently pg with our rainbow - it's a girl! I'm hoping to make it the 3 more weeks to my c-section date and that I can hold this baby girl without her ever seeing a NICU. We are undecided whether we'll try again for another since this 2+ year journey has been so difficult...

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Baby Girl being born (6/26/12)....after that, Logan's birthday - 10/28....both events will be bittersweet.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Everything. Logan is never far from my thoughts and it always intertwined with everything I do. I really want my body to cooperate and not fail me (or my baby) again.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in?

Petunia844 · June 2012

Name: Allison

Angel(s) Name: Peyton Mark

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: October 25th, 2011

Your story thus far: My husband and I were living the dream, we just bought our first house and one month later (first month trying) we were pregnant with Peyton! I thought it was an easy pregnancy... I had swelling starting at 20 weeks, a good amount of back pain and pretty bad carpal tunnel in my hands...but no throwing up or anything. I didn't realize then that those were all early symptoms of pre-e. I was diagnosed at 32 weeks, a few days later I spent a weekend in the hospital to monitor myself and baby and see how we were dealing with the pre-e. We both seemed good, my b/p was stabilized on meds. The sent us home and we were thrilled that in just 4 short weeks we'd be delivering our son. The next morning, when I woke I knew something was wrong.

I was no longer swollen, my son was no longer moving. I'd like to skip this part a little and fast forward... you all know how the months that followed were. Now we're pregnant with our rainbow, I'm 21+ weeks and no swelling or backaches yet. I pray every single day for help protecting this baby.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? No dates really on the horizon, I'm just looking forward to this little one's birthday.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Anything and everything....just trying to stay positive.

Heatherhah · June 2012

Name: Heather

Angel(s) Name: Sydney Adriana

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 9/30/11

Your story thus far: totally uneventful pregnancy and estimated big baby, went in on 9/27 for an u/swith MFM she was moving amd had a great hb everything looked great. Next day went to ob nd had a nst and she failed then they put me on an u/s and she wasn't moving much but still moving and breathing on her own. Scheduled my c section for 10/3 she was big they estimated 9lb 12oz . Friday afternoon on 9/30 I started having contractions , called the dr and they told me if i was in labor they would do my section that day we were thrilled. We got to the hosptial and they started to assess me and it took 3 nurses to try to find her hb and they couldn't so a doctor just some random doctor did an u/s and gave us the heartbreaking news her heart had stopped. I had to wait 6 mores hours to have my section to delive rmy sleeping baby she weighed 10lbs 3 oz. and looked identical to her big sister. Our lives shattered that day and they won't be the same again ever!!!

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? no real dates coming up

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? I miss her so much. DH's cousin who's 20 just had her baby and she didnt even want him. She was going to have an abortion but she gave birth to her healthy son today so I am sad we lost our baby.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? nope

lhakers · June 2012

Name: Lindsey

Angel(s) Name: Sofia Hart

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 07/10/2011

Your story thus far: sofiahartlove.blogspot.com

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Her 1st birthday/angelversay in a month...

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Too much... but I am excited for my vacation at the end of July

nuttycoconut · June 2012

Name: Jaclyn

Angel(s) Name: Max and Molly

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 12/8/11

Your story thus far: After a year of IF, I was pregnant with boy/girl twins. I thought I was meant to be a twin mom and that's why I had to go through a year of hell. Little did I know, there were more bad times to come. I had a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy. My babies were perfectly healthy. My DH felt them kick for the first time the weekend before I lost them. The same exact day he put together their cribs. On Dec. 5 at a very well known hospital, the Dr.s noticed my cervix was shortening. I was told bedrest would be coming soon, but don't worry about it until my appointment next week, and take some of this progesterone for now. On Dec. 7, I noticed some bleeding and called my Dr. She told me to go right to L & D. I knew something terrible was going to happen. I was hooked up to the monitors and was contracting a ton. My babies' hearts were still beating away. The Dr gave me Procardia to stop my labor but it didn't work. I delivered my angels in the very early morning of December 8. They were 1 pound each and 12 inches long and only 22 weeks and 3 days old. My daughter looked exactly like me and my son looked like my DH. I'm so angry that my shortening cervix wasn't taken more seriously. After talking to my new high risk doctor, I realize that this all could have been prevented with a rescue cerclage and bedrest.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Tomorrow is the 6 month angelversary.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? Feeling pretty grateful lately. Months 3-4 were very hard and 5-6 have been alright.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? Maybe some GTKY questions?

Carolee · June 2012

Name: Carolee

Angel(s) Name: Eliott Alexander (and 2 angels lost during early pregnancy)

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 8/13/10

Your story thus far: My pregnancy with Eliott was pretty normal, until about 36 weeks when I noticed decreased movement. I called L&D and they reassured me that all was fine, as long as he was moving 10 times in an hour. They said he was just running out of room. I woke up at 37 weeks and noticed that Eliott was not moving. I tried eating to see if that would coax him to move, but it didn't work. I rushed in to L&D and the nurses couldn't find his heartbeat. They paged a doctor to do an emergency ultrasound, which confirmed that Eliott had died. I was induced that morning and Eliott was born after almost 48 hours of labor. We were able to spend about 6 precious hours with our angel.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? not really

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? I've been thinking about Eliott a lot lately and I wonder how different my life would be if he was alive.

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? n/a

astraight15 · June 2012

Name: AmandaAngel(s) Name: Addison LillianAngel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 4/10/2012Your story thus far: My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 long years. When we finally got our BFP last August, we were beyond excited. My entire pregnancy was perfect and everything was progressing exactly as it should. On March 27th, I went in for my growth ultrasound and Addison was estimated to be 6lb15oz. The ultrasound tech measured my fluids 3 times and told me that it was a little low. I asked her what that meant and she told me to drink more water. She said that my fluids were not in a low enough level to worry about. I already was drinking at least a gallon a day but I took her advice and made sure that I drank more water. I went in for my routine apt on the 2nd and my weight and measurements were on track. That Friday I began having painless contractions and they continued through the weekend. They were not consistent so I just figured that when I went into my apt on Monday they would tell me that I was ready to go into labor. Addison hadn't been moving as much and I had a hard time telling because of the contractions. Everyone assured me that she was probably just getting ready and babies do not move as much as you go into labor. I went to my 38 week apt on the 9th and explained everything to my doctor. She decided to do some fetal monitoring to see what was going on. That was when our world came down on us. I had no fluid left and there was no heartbeat. I was sent to the hospital to be induced and Addison was born sleeping the following day. She was absolutely perfect and everyone was baffled as to what could have happened. All of our test results came back normal and there are no answers for us. I had absolutely no fluid when I delivered and my doctor could not provide any answers. I have been to specialists since and they wonder why my doctor did not check my fluid levels a week after my last ultrasound...so many questions that will probably never be answered. We have pictures of Addison all over the house and she will forever be our little angel.Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Dh and I are going to finally take a honeymoon next month...hopefully we will conceive our rainbow baby while we are in Mexico!!

xxswebbxx · June 2012

Name: Stephanie

Angel(s) Name: Olivia Marie

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: April 24, 2012

Your story thus far: We started TTC in December 2010 & didn't get our BFP until September 2011. In November 2011 Olivia was diganosed with PA-IVS but we had a plan with the doctors at CHOP. She would need 3 open heart surgeries before the age of 3. In April I was sent to the ER because I was feeling pressure. The doctors told me it was preterm labor, I was having contractions but I wasn't dialating so I was sent home and told I could go back to work. Working the next 2 weeks was hell but I stuck it out. At 34 weeks I went for a NST & had planned on speaking to a doctor to take me out of work. Well my blood pressure was VERY high. I was sent back to the ER, I was diaganosed with pre-e & told I was going to have a c-section that day. Olivia was born at 5:57 PM & passed away 4 hours later in my arms. That was the first & last time I got to hold my angel.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? Dreading: This Monday my "BFF" is supposedly coming to visit. I'm so not looking forward to it. This is a long story so I'm going to give it its own post later. Positive things: My post partum appointment & DD's 4th dance recital is this week.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? This upcoming visit from the "BFF".

Any suggestions for topics/questions you would like to see in a check-in? Well I guess with keeping with the theme of my post how you cope with losing close friends after a loss.

jbranden12 · June 2012

Name: Jill

Angel(s) Name: Patricia Kirsten

Angel(s) DOB/Angelversary: 3/30/12

Your story thus far: DH and I decided last summer that we were ready to add to our family. I got my BFP on DH's birthday in September. I had a very uneventful pregnancy. I had no morning sickness and lots of energy and she was measuring right on track at each appointment. One evening in March when I was 31 weeks, I noticed that she wasn't moving as much as usual. Being a first time mom, I wasn't sure what was normal, but we decided that I would stop by my Dr.'s office first thing the next morning just to get some peace of mind. When I got there, they took me right back for an ultrasound and discovered that her heart was no longer beating. I often relive that moment when my world was completely shattered. We waited two days to induce, which seemed awful at first but I am glad we had the chance to plan and make some decisions about her birth. I was induced on a Thursday afternoon and she was born on a Friday morning. She was 4.25 lbs and 16.5 inches long. She was beautiful and perfect and we have no answer as to what caused her death.

Any special dates coming up that you are looking forward to/dreading? We just passed her due date, so we just have blank space and time ahead of us. I hate that I'm at work when I should be home taking care of her this summer.

Free Topic. What is on your mind this week? We just got back from wonderful weekend at Faith's Lodge, and I realized how wonderful and healing it is to do nothing but think and talk about Patricia, grieve, and connect with other people. I wish I could do that all the time. I don't know how to continue moving forward when I'm working 10 hours a day at a job that I don't enjoy, but I feel trapped because I need income and benefits and haven't been able to find any other work. I guess this week I just want to have a pity party and be sad, frustrated, and angry.