how did your family dynamic change?

medblais

So along with the loss of friends, the loss of our daughter also changed the relationships with other family members. Basically it made me realize what a juvenile, selfish POS my FIL is. A quick glimpse into the picture would be when he walked in the NICU room as I was holding my dead daughter in my arms and he said he was glad he wasn't there when it had happened, he had prayed that he wouldn't have to be there. Yea, he said that out loud as she was still in my arms, had taken her last breath a couple minutes before. Anyway what leads me to this post is that his whole family is not acknowledging our daughter's existance or her death, which has made holidays rediculously uncomfortable and awkward and emotional. DH called his aunt today as a last ditch effort to try to get his grandparent's phone number. This aunt has made NO contact other than we went to her house in December, and now will not let him off the phone. All of a sudden she is super interested in him and what he is doing. Where has this interest been all year? Where have you been? Why does it take him calling you for something else entirely to make him interesting to you again? And I overheard DH say Genevieve's name a couple times, and each time the conversation was redirected in a different direction. I hate those people! Sorry had to vent.

julesverne

I'm sorry you're going through this.

As far as what your FIL said, maybe he didn't mean for it to sound so insensitive. My sister never got to meet Jack (she came home the weekend after he died, and got couldn't fly home for his funeral because of the weather). I have apologized to her numerous times that she never got to meet him, and she always says it's ok, and admits she couldn't have handle it. Maybe it's the same with your FIL?

Some family relationships have stayed good, while others have faded. My SIL and I use to be close--at family functions, we would always be hanging out together. Now if we are at the same function, she doesn't even say hello or anything. And I have noticed that DH and I aren't invited to other events (his 1 brother always use to invite us to bday parties for their kids, or just to hang out on Saturday nights, etc..not anymore, but we know these functions are happening because DH other brother will be invited)

I think some people just don't know what to say, and that's understandable. It's not something anyone plans on dealing with. But I don't think they realize that by saying nothing, they are making us feel worse.

Maybe just try to talk to the worst offenders and explain how you feel. Good luck. 

sloannmark

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've learned thorough this (this not only being the loss but my year of surgeries and IVF process) that my parents are NOT supportive and thankfully my in-laws are amazing.  My parents were absent through basically everything, and the only reason my parents came to the hospital after Zachary's delivery was because my husband called my father and cursed him out. On the other hand, my in-laws were there for me every day. 

What I've learned from this is that I can't change my family. I can only change how I react to them. They barely check in with me, despite this being the worst moments in my life. My mom texts me here and thee- no calls. She even had the nerve on Facebook to put how great a weekend she had with friends, two days after our loss. People are unbelievable, and it hurs when it's supposed to be people who care about you.

 Sorry, the subject of family gets my blood boiling!

  

tubbsy32

OMG...I literally came on here to post a vent about my MIL. You and I could prob talk for hours about what insensitive people they are. I never held her in high regard but the way she has treated us since Jacob's death is disgusting. I wish I never had to see her or speak to again! And same thing she hasn't called her son, my husband in a MONTH!!! Because she thought maybe "space" would be good. And they are on the phone now, and I won't be surprised if DH gets off the phone and forgives and forgets. I have been praying about trying to forgive her, but I will never be able to forget. I love you girls and all of your support; but please don't tell me to try to move past it. (sorry if that sounds bitchy)

So, anyway...I kinda tagged my vent to your vent. I wish none of us were going through any type of bs after losing our babies.

medblais

Thank you ladies for your support. Sloannmark, it sounds like we are in such similar situations but reversed. My family stepped up beyond what I thought they would, and his fell so short. I know that nothing prepares you for a situation like this, and that no one really knows what to do or how to handle it (I sure as hell didn't!), but I also think that events like the loss of a child and other tragic happenings bring out the type of person you really are. As a parent of the child that is gone, you find strength you didn't know you needed to have. As people, I feel like my inlaws have shown how selfish and unsupportive they are at the core. It makes me so upset for my husband that he lost those relationships (his father went to Haiti on a mission trip, and never called him to say he got back in the country; figured DH would see he was back on facebook!) but it also pisses me off that my daughter was so easily written off.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I was just thinking about this the other day.  My mom and I have always been really close and that aspect of things hasn't changed.  She talks about Corbin, has been very supportive of both DH and I and remembers dates.  With my dad it's been a little odd but I'm learning that he's been having a difficult time with all of this.  As time has gone on, he's gotten more comfortable with talking about Corbin and even has a digital picture frame filled with Corbin's pictures on his desk at work.  I have a younger brother and we used to be pretty close.  The day Corbin passed, I obviously called my parents.  They live 3 hours away but were down here as fast as they could be.  I just figured that my brother would come too.  I opened the door and he wasn't there.  I was really pissed about that.  We did the March of Dimes walk and he signed up to do it and then 3 days before the walk told my mom he couldn't go.  He's really been making me mad.  I've gotten closer to a few additional family members and then have heard that I'm freaking a few family members out.  I just don't care.

With regards to DH's family, they drive me nuts anyway but now I find myself getting super annoyed.  His mom cries all the time - she always has - gets to the point where you just don't even feel the sincerity.  His mom called on Corbin's 6 month Angelversary, didn't even bring it up.  My BIL's wife stopped by our house to pick something up.  She had tried to come earlier and texted me and I told her when she texted that it wasn't a good time because we weren't home and heading to the cemetery.  She came over later and was like "oh, so you guys just decided to go visit today?"  She's clueless anyways.  My BIL is making me mad right now but for non-Corbin reasons.

tubbsy32

This might sound weird but....it's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through terrible family drama. I 100% agree that going through something like this really teaches you who people really are and now I just don't want to be around certain people. Thanks again ladies, just listening to your stories has helped me.

weddedwife

Our relationship with all of our family members has deteriorated. My IL's have never said a word to me about our loss. Not a single word. I see them twice a week. DH has 3 siblings and none of them ever called, sent a card, mentioned anything about the baby ever. Not until DH called his brother's house this past weekend to congratulate his niece on graduating- then his brother sort of awkwardly apologized for not contacting him since he "didn't know what to say". Just today, I was at a gathering with yet more extended family members who we haven't seen since our loss, who know about it, and yet said nothing.

My family is another story but they're not much better. My mom was in the delivery room with me when Nathaniel was born/died, and then proceeded to not say a word to me about him for the next 5 months. I also see my parents 2x a week. Finally my mom said something about a month ago asking how I'm doing and I let her know how hurt I was by their silence. She apologized and said she was glad we talked but it's clear to me that she thinks now that we've had "the talk", we're done and she's off the hook. My Dad is getting better, but it's clear that he waited til after I had "the talk" with my mom to speak up. My sister is too wrapped up in her own life to call or acknowledge anything. I've never felt so alone and abandoned by our family and "friends" in my life. No one has remembered Nathaniel's angelversaries, though I had 2 wonderful friends acknowledge my due date. No one said anything at all on Mothers Day.I don't think a lot of these relationships will ever recover, not fully. I can't forget the way we were treated, the way my son is ignored.

Obviously this is a very sore spot with me. I am so bitter, and pissed, and hurt by almost everybody in our lives with the exception of a few amazing friends. I don't want to feel this way but I just can't respect most people any more. I feel like if they can't get over themselves and help us in our worst moments, what good are they? I don't care if they "don't know what to say or do"- that's bullsh*t. Do a little research, simply ASK US what to do. It's not that complicated.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this too. It just adds insult to injury- we lost our children and now we lose even more people If you do have some understanding and compassionate people in your life, allow those relationships to take on more weight. Try to meet up with some local baby loss mamas if you can, these may be sources of new, more fulfilling relationships.