Help, I hate my sister-in-law!

OSUAlumna · June 2012

I've been a part of my husband's family for 9+ years now and have had a great relationship with everyone including extended family. Well, my new sister-in-law has been a part of the family for about a year and a half now and has completely changed the family dynamic for the worse. To make a long story short, my husband and I see right through her for who she really is (controlling, manipulative, insecure, etc.) and have been vocal about that which has in turn resulted in us kind of being black listed by the rest of the family who wants to sweep everything negative under the rug and pretend like everything is okay. I am 35 weeks pregnant and it's to the point that I don't even want her to be around my baby when it's born which I am not going to be able to avoid indefinitely. And, as this baby gets older, it's going to love it's aunt because children don't know any better and I don't want to be negative about anyone in front of my children. How am I supposed to reconcile my negative feelings for her in my mind so that it doesn't eat away at me once this baby is born and we're around each other?

khill86 · June 2012

If you figure it out, let me know!

My BIL's girlfriend has been around on and off for 3 years, and DH and I have never liked her. No one else did, either, until BIL and her broke up and got back together. She said she had "changed" and was "more mature." She's still manipulative, insecure, and controlling of BIL. Not to mention just plain stupid. She is still up to her old habits, but MIL has decided that if that is who her son has decided to be with, then we need to accept her since she can't imagine anyone else putting up with him (he's not a real prize, either).

Well, while everyone else is more willing to have her around, DH and I are not. She still wasn't invited to the Christmas Eve dinner we hosted. She is not welcome in our home. But we can't really control when she is at MIL's house. I don't want her around the baby, let alone holding him, and certainly not taking any pictures (she considers herself a photographer Confused and is constantly snapping pictures and putting them on facebook. I will NOT stand for that, at all. I imagine when I tell her not to take pictures of the baby it won't go over very well.

I know we can't say she can't be around the baby, but I wish I could!

emoxymoose · June 2012

Sounds like you created this problem for yourself. If your BIL is happy with this woman then you really don't have a right to criticize her to the rest of the family and not expect a negative fall out. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't like it either, hopefully you can just keep your feelings to yourselves (true or not) and let people learn things on their own.

KrissyMiss · June 2012

emoxymoose:
Sounds like you created this problem for yourself. If your BIL is happy with this woman then you really don't have a right to criticize her to the rest of the family and not expect a negative fall out. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't like it either, hopefully you can just keep your feelings to yourselves (true or not) and let people learn things on their own.

Yup! Besides, if she's as bad as you say, then hopefully others will realize it and she won't be around much longer.

lildevil968 · June 2012

Lurking, but your situation sounds exactly like mine. My brother married a horrid b*tch who is controlling, mean, abusive, manipulitive, lier, amongst other things. She has been in the family for 4 years, and it has been 4 years of hell for everyone including my mother. Our family has had many fights with my brother and her over the way she treats everyone, to no avail. Since they moved away it has gotten alot better. While SIL has alot of groing up to do, we have learned that it is better to communicate with her through email, text because then we can keep it incase she lies to my brother. It is also better to communicate with them and my niece and nephew through my brother. That way SIL cannot turn sh*t around, and stir the pot. When they are visiting we have learned to grin and bear it while they are here. If she says or does something stupid (never fails) then we bring it up with my brother who then brings it up with her.

When the baby does come you will learn how to deal with her around the baby. My kids love SIL, and although I want to say something negative about her around the kids, I don't because they love her.

mrsrobyno · June 2012

OSUAlumna:
I've been a part of my husband's family for 9+ years now and have had a great relationship with everyone including extended family. Well, my new sister-in-law has been a part of the family for about a year and a half now and has completely changed the family dynamic for the worse. To make a long story short, my husband and I see right through her for who she really is (controlling, manipulative, insecure, etc.) and have been vocal about that which has in turn resulted in us kind of being black listed by the rest of the family who wants to sweep everything negative under the rug and pretend like everything is okay. I am 35 weeks pregnant and it's to the point that I don't even want her to be around my baby when it's born which I am not going to be able to avoid indefinitely. And, as this baby gets older, it's going to love it's aunt because children don't know any better and I don't want to be negative about anyone in front of my children. How am I supposed to reconcile my negative feelings for her in my mind so that it doesn't eat away at me once this baby is born and we're around each other?

Are you part of the cast of the Real Housewives of New Jersey? sounds just like em!

sammyslick · June 2012

emoxymoose:
Sounds like you created this problem for yourself. If your BIL is happy with this woman then you really don't have a right to criticize her to the rest of the family and not expect a negative fall out. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't like it either, hopefully you can just keep your feelings to yourselves (true or not) and let people learn things on their own.

Yes

cchill01 · June 2012

emoxymoose:
Sounds like you created this problem for yourself. If your BIL is happy with this woman then you really don't have a right to criticize her to the rest of the family and not expect a negative fall out. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't like it either, hopefully you can just keep your feelings to yourselves (true or not) and let people learn things on their own.

Sorry, but I have to agree.

My Mother and my Dad's sister hated each other. We didn't really notice until we were probably 9 years old or so. The reason we didn't notice, was because they both acted like civil adults at family functions and didn't talk badly about each other to the kids. They tolerated each other and then moved on. Eventually, 35 years later, it came to a head and the family split. But, it worked for over 3 decades when all the kids were old enough to make their own decisions.

dreambig527 · June 2012

I'm not a huge fan of my sister in law but I'm able to keep my mouth shut because she apparently makes my brother happy and that's all that matters. As long as he is happy, I'm happy- just try to think of it that way.

As far as your baby is concerned... my mom had similar issues with her in-laws and just let her kids love them. As we got older, we could see through it too and we learned. No big deal.

AutumnBug87 · June 2012

If she is really that bad, she wont last long... Keep it civil. That is all you can do. If I have issues with someone, I just keep my distance.

ufmelissa · June 2012

I can relate. Everyone in DH's family hates his stepmother and neither of us really want her to have anything to do with the baby. But I also don't want to punish my FIL for marrying a crazy, insecure b****. He's a really good man and can't wait to meet his grandchild. We're just going to have to make the best of it and hope it works out.

mikeandcristina · June 2012

All I can say is good luck.. we have a similar issue with FIL and he will not be around my child - period.

jlh2716 · June 2012

OSUAlumna:
To make a long story short, my husband and I see right through her for who she really is (controlling, manipulative, insecure, etc.) and have been vocal about that which has in turn resulted in us kind of being black listed by the rest of the family who wants to sweep everything negative under the rug and pretend like everything is okay.
Well, did you guys really see this playing out any differently? Bad-mouthing others never puts you in a good light, regardless of whether or not it's true. Especially if she didn't do it to you first (which, btw, I'm not necessarily assuming she didn't!).
How am I supposed to reconcile my negative feelings for her in my mind so that it doesn't eat away at me once this baby is born and we're around each other?
Honestly, just keep your trap shut. Be civil. You don't have to like her, and you don't have to pretend to like her, but if you bad-mouth her in front of your children, you will influence how they feel toward her. Not to mention, kiddos have a tendency to repeat what you've said at the most inopportune times! lol

CrazyLife3 · June 2012

I have one too. Most families do. I just don't tangle with her, she likes to twist words, so I am civil enough not to be rude that I don't communicate with her beyond that.

smcdon22 · August 2013

I love how you worded your response. Most people these days do not know how to treat and communicate with others. I know exactly how you feel by the words used in your response. I have tried to be a friend and support my SIL and she is very manipulative, maybe even a covert aggressive. I have been a part of my husbands family for almost 15 years and my SIL came into the pic about 7 years ago. She is the same way. I thought it was a lack of communication and I tried to do and do for her. Communicate with her, accept her, do for her as she asked and as soon as I say I'm unable or disagree she turns the table. She gets very mean and hostile yet doesn't take responsibility for her comments. She says this but means that or I'm over reacting to nothing. One minute she's starting a fight in the family twisting the situation,and only telling the half that she wants you to hear and the next she's denying her involvement.

TashnBabii · August 2013

I'm so sorry to hear! Fortunately, I don't have this problem, as I absolutely adore my SIL. Have you tried talking to her? I know it's silly, but sometimes communication can go a long way! I've had an issue with my own family and had a long conversation and now we are on talking terms. If that doesn't work, just remember that you do not need to like her, but might want to learn how to be civil with her. Sorry if my advice isn't very good! :-( You are in a tough situation- one that I would not want to be in! :-/

AlwaysForgetful · August 2013

Be civil and request she do not post pictures of your baby on FB. Just say it is your first(?) and you feel it something for the parents to do, to post the first pictures and what not. Or explain that you are not comfortable with candid pictures being taken while you are in the hospital and not feeling up to par.

I was actually the child of the black sheep. My mother thinks of herself and maybe the family, but it all revolves around her in the end. It makes things hard on the kids. No other parents liked mine. Family did not like my mother (who has manipulated her side into thinking my dad is mean). "luckily" we did not see that growing up because most family lived across country and the only close family member just kept things civil. I really grew up thinking my dad was the issue. Then I got older and my mother told us all she was tired of being our mother. She was her own person not so and so's mom. We still thought it was my dad. Moved out and on my own and I began to see that my dad has faults like everyone, but my mother is the issue.

Now SIL GF is an issue in my family. She seems great, the kids love her, but you know it is all a lie. She is 2 faced. She has been around a lot longer than I have. So I am the newest to the family. I just bite my tongue to get along, and DH and I vent in private. We do our best to avoid her as much as we can. They already think I am odd because I parent different than they do. I stand up for what I believe, deal with how she twists things and laugh at her FB comments about how she has to overcome so much daily because she works and has 3 kids (50/50 custody. one week with her, one with their father). Oh, and how she was "forced" to drive her excursion because a minivan cannot fit 2 teens and a child in a car seat. Yep, because I have had 2 teens and 4 car seats in my van with no issues.

SIL GF had everyone in the family convinced that the chickens we had for over a year were causing a sudden body covering rash. She and SIL posted many things on my FB about it. Yep. It wasn't though. It was the new dryer bar, which I suspected because I was itchy and have allerg

Sorry, I regress. *sighs* I need some coffee.

Anyway, the keep peace you will just have to find some middle ground and pick your battles very carefully.

Khaleesi07 · August 2013

From my experience there's really nothing you can say or do in a situation like this. My sisters and I saw right through our little sister's BFs bull sh*t. Controlling, lying, manipulative, ect. But my parents were all about giving him a chance and didnt't listen to a damn word we said. He eventually shot himself in the foot and fell out of favor with our parents, and when it comes to SIL, you're going to have to do the same. Just grin and bear it, and know that you can always bitch to your husband in private about her if she does anything to annoy you.

As far as facebook posting, I wouldn't want her posting pics of the kids either...maybe you can address the whole family regarding your preferences about facebook pics and your LO, that way you're not causing any drama by singling her out.