Who would I see for dx of an adult?
mommyof4boys
member
I swear I'm going to kick my husband out the door if things don't change. If I hear "It's not logical" one more time I'm going to scream! He walks away during arguments, has no clue about social skills, NEEDS everything to be predictable, refuses to wear anything but his socks that have holes in them and are long tube tops (in the summer) with steal toed boots, etc.
I can't take any more of stuff like this: if he and I are waiting for parent/teacher conferences like we did yesterday and there's only one chair he shouldn't plop his butt on it and tell me to stand or sit on his lap OR cuss while we are in the school, he shouldn't say things like "I'm not going to that movie because it doesn't logically make sense why we would go see it. It doesn't have action and adventure so it's a waste of money." when I tell him I want to see something. I have to go to everyone of his stupid things yet when I ask him to see one movie that's not action/adventure/superhero related I'm wrong.
I can't take any more of the kids melt downs because of daddy's melt down. I'm able to handle the kids and their needs but being his partner is harder every day. Marriage isn't always easy but after 10 years being with him (just about 8 married)I need a break from what he is doing and I need it fast....
Re: Who would I see for dx of an adult?
My typo, his socks are the long ones, not the short ankle ones. He wears those in the summer with 100 degree heat as well. TMI, but his underwear look like they've been through a war zone with all the holes and he won't wear the new pack I bought him because "What if I don't like the fit?"
His behavior has always been odd but I liked that at first because he was fun to be around. He and I were able to get along. Now that the kids are around and I'm the one dealing with everything as he sleeps until 1 and goes to work then comes home to play video games until 4 am I'm not able to take it much more. He wakes up for a brief 45 minutes to help me with the kids in the morning and he goes back to sleep. I shouldn't be doing 100% for the kids, for the house, and dealing with picking up the pieces left behind when he melts and the boys freak out because of it.
He and I have talked about him seeking out a diagnosis at one point and he said it would explain a lot of why he felt "out of place" as a kid. He was diagnosed with the 16p11.2 duplication that Chris has last year. I think getting a diagnosis would not only help me/us to deal with things but to get him some help perhaps.
I've tried joking with him and have called him Shelly, Moon Pie, Sheldon, bought him a shirt that said Bazinga on it and recently bought him a Green Lantern shirt. His mother has told me SHE sees how similar he is to Sheldon.
When I have asked him to go to a therapy situation alone and with me he tells me it is a waste of money and he doesn't like talking to people. UGH! I love him always but can't stand when he gets like this.
First off, hugs to you! My DH was diagnosed with AS about 1 year ago and just got an "official" diagnosis a few months ago. We had known he had it for a few years.
So many of your example are us lol! The not offering the only chair, using the term logical, etc. It's funny how after many years of marriage you get used to things and until someone else witnesses it, you don't realize how "unnormal" it is.
My Dh used to let me carry all the groceries. Every single bag. Don't ask why I allowed this. I just had to pick my battles I guess. The years of thoughtless behavior wear on you. He let me walk home in a blizzard 8 months pregnant because a very important chess game was on.
Since his diagnosis we have made great strides. He has a support group and we also attend one for spouses. He has a therapist.
The way we got his diagnosis was first he made an appointment through his benefits at work with a pychologist. She didnt know much about AS so we drove to our city's autism society. They had a resident therapist who saw him and agreed he fit the diagnosis. He, in turn, refered us to the university where we got a diagnosis through their pych department for a reduced rate. The average cost in our city (I am in Canada) was $4000. The university did it (my Dh had to answer questions for a study in return - only took a day) for $800.
A diagnosis isnt important to everyone but since my DD is being diagnosed we wanted him to be able to tell her he was as well.
Good luck to you and your family!
I just wanted to add that I have drawn a line in the sand and said I will not put up with certain behaviors. I will leave.
Your DH sounds a bit like my DH with the movie part and the late nights of staying up late.
He would not go with DS and I to see Cars 2 last summer. He had to see a different movie.
I maybe questioning that my husband may very well be on the spectrum, too.
My dh and I have had several discussions about him being ASD. He has adapted well, but all of the traits are there, and it's even come to the point where we joke about it a little because we are sooooo opposite. I shake up his world often (not even purposefully), he complains and then gets over it. I think it has been good for him to learn about and understand the traits, because I think it has explained a lot of things for him that he never understood. I get frustrated with him at times, but for the most part, I just try to let it go.
Our biggest running joke was the special interest battle between him and our 3 year old. My dh wanted the computer to obsess over his financial spreadsheets, and my 3 year old wanted his computer so that he could watch his toy car wheels bump over the keys. They were literally playing tug of war with the laptop...I mean, a 35 year old man fighting with a 3 year old, it just looked ridiculous.
We've talked about him getting a diagnosis once out of the military, but I don't know that he would do anything with that, so I kind of think it's pointless and he doesn't care enough to actually pursue it. He's a good dad and a good husband, but it can be like taking care of a third kid.
As far as the clothes, we have some issues with letting go as well. I just throw it out and replace it with new stuff, he gets over it, and then I complement the heck out of him when he is wearing something new that is at least mildly fashionable. (I am still working on getting rid of his sleeveless shirts, I think I'm down to 1 or 2 left and I may "accidentally" get a little bleach on one of them).
Hugs to you! After years of going through friction with DH over his ways, counseling which never helped us, having a child on ASD really opened up a whole new world for me in terms of understanding my DH's issues. The initial years of marriage were hell and so many times we almost split. But now, I see DH in a whole new light, I am pretty sure if we took him for a diagnosis, he'd get it. But I bet DH would NEVER EVER go in for a formal diagnosis session.
I have no real solution for your situation but I really feel your pain. I go through it myself every single day. Everyday his insensitive side, non-empathetic side rears his ugly head and he doesn't even realize it but I am left in tears. I wish it were easier but I am hoping each one of us finds a way to tolerate their behaviour. Unfortunately/fortunately, I don't believe in divorce...sigh!
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That's us here too! Matthew needs angry birds and youtube and he is all about his spreadsheet on excel for our budget. He checks the bank accounts several times a day,etc. At times I've ripped clothes while he was wearing it, like one pair of underwear I took the entire waist band and pulled was able to pull the cotton part away. He stood with a ring around his waist and that was it! I've taken scissors to shirts. He has shirts from 20 years ago. 20 years ago he was 21 and I was 13.
OMG, I totally cracked up reading the underwear story. Trust me, I know it isn't super fun to live it, but I guess if we can see the humor in it, it's all good. Ugh, tell me about the t-shirts...after the sleeveless ones, I'm after the Van Halen one he got years ago. Deliberate sabotage...it's functional and sometimes fun too!
Do we have the same husband? His are metal bands from the 80's.
Are you sure he's not just an a$$hole?
I mean, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
He has said to me before he doesn't know how to relate and sometimes struggles for words, how to talk to people, etc. He may be an a$$hole but he's one who tries and doesn't know how to do things.
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Couples counseling can be very helpful. It can help with communication techniques, listening exercises, things like that.
Thank you! With the chair, I told him "It is more socially acceptable for the man to allow the woman to sit in the chair. "
This man eats, sleeps, and lives by consumer reports! It's the running joke in our family. If anyone wants to buy anything they ask him what he thinks and he'll tell them the best make/model for what price they are going for.
DH's mother had lymphoma about 12 years ago. He responded with "Eh, you'll be ok."
He had 1 long term girl friend from 18-mid 20's and they broke up around 96 when he wouldn't get married. I was his next serious girlfriend when he was not quite 31. We started dating in February and for Mother's day he bought me a diamond necklace. The past several Mother's days I didn't even get a "Happy Mother's day" from him. This past year I ended up crying. He use to make a big deal over everything and now he acts like I'm a permanent fixture and doesn't even try!
As far as "heavy lifting of marriage" I do pay the bills, do 100% of the housework, most of the daily house maintenance, do 100% of the kids' school functions, do all of the cooking, write for a magazine, am co-president of our PAC group, am starting a parent support group, just signed up to be a parent to parent volunteer for SPAN, and an VP of NJ Parent Advocates. He goes to work around 2 pm, comes home around midnight, plays video games until 3ish, sleeps until 1 and gets ready for work.
Good Lord, mommy. If you posted this last paragraph on any other board in nest/bumpland you would get a very, very different repsonse. Something along the lines of DTMFA would come out sooner or later.
Despite your need to get a dx for your H, I do think that counseling can help. Your husband responds to logic, yes? Counseling can put the 'logic' back into a marital relationship with the added bonus of having a bona fide professional guiding you through (I am guessing that if your H falls on the spectrum, he will respond better to a professional rather than a peer) the minefield of issues that come up in many marriages.
At the end of the day, you have 4 children to care for. How long do you think you can carry on with an H who is acting like a 5th child? Something's gotta give.
That's what I am trying to talk to him about; our need for therapy. I told him I think he has Aspergers, his mom has, and he thinks he has. I am going to be going about it in a slightly different way and tell him I need help to cope with everything. I do! I want him to come with me and talk to someone about things because I also find him needing to cope with everything.
I have been trying this since you suggested it. I asked him to unload/reload the dishwasher, start some laundry, make room in the fridge for my pot of spaghetti sauce, and take out the garbage. I have to load the dishwasher because he doesn't like his hands being dirty. I can learn to live with this one. I have to compromise at times too. I am still waiting on the garbage from today. I may have to take it out myself since we now had to start a 2nd bag.