Do you attend support groups/meetings?

Bayberry12

We knew we wanted to go to a support group as soon as the reality set in.  We knew we would need help, and wanted to hear how others got through.

We finely found one in our city that meets once a month, and they are sending us more info and paper work.  

When we spoke to the woman who runs this group, she informed us that it is for parents who have lost at a baby anywhere from 3 mons pregnant up to a one year old infant.  I feel a little weird about this.  I personally know every loss is devastating, but I was thinking it would be more of a late term loss group.  

If you go to a group, is there a range like this?  Are you ok with it? 

Heatherhah

I go every month and there are all different loss moms. I know that it seems hard to think you could bond with others who lost their babies in different ways but the common thought is we all lost our babies and we are pretty much all the same.

I love my group and my ladies. They totally get what I am thinking whether their loss was at 16 wks or if their baby was 2 months old.

I hope you can find support with your group. My ladies have helped me through some dark times.

Heather 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I go to a group meeting once a month (actually with magdalina.h).  The group is for all losses.  There have been a few times where women with miscarriages have attended but they've only come one time and then we haven't seen them again.  Most of the women who attend our group were late term losses or stillbirths or infant losses.  I kind of wish it was just for late losses and beyond but it's really not that bad to have miscarriages there as well.  I love my group and become very close with some of the women in it (especially magdalina.h)

medblais

I attended 2 loss groups a couple times each, and the range was very similar. I no longer go because the groups were heavily religious, and I am not, and each group meeting seemed to be like picking at a scab.

Bayberry12

It give me hope that you ladies found groups that you love and were able to connect with other woman.  I am keeping an open mind, and will definitely go with the best intentions. 

medblais:

and each group meeting seemed to be like picking at a scab.

This is how I felt about my therapy sessions, I wanted to give it a try.  But it was so upsetting for me to be there talking about my baby to a stranger, who was telling me I needed to go back to work and focus on my career.  We stopped going after the second session.  

Carolee

I've never gone to a support group - this board is the closest thing to one I have.  I've thought about going many times, but the closest one is about a 30 minute drive each way, and they have evening meetings.  (I have to be up pretty early for work).  If it were me, I would probably feel more comfortable in a group just for late loss...I've experienced both early and late loss, and while both are devastating, late loss brings another layer to the experience.

nuttycoconut

 Yes my group has different stages of loss. There are 3 other couples with late losses and one woman who miscarried. The woman who miscarried lost an ivf pregnancy and it was her 3rd and final ivf attempt so she is also devastated about the loss of ever becoming pregnant again. It doesn't bother me at all and actually I'm feeling uncomfortable going to the support group this month because I don't want to hurt her with the news of this pg. I think you should try it out! I really love my support group. 

philfemgal

We have been going to a support group and have found it very helpful.  It is for any sort of pregnancy or infant loss.  Most of the participants since we've been going seem to have had losses in the mid to late 2nd trimester time as we did.  A few have also had early miscarriages or early 2nd trimester losses.  And one facilitator and one participant both of whom have only attended once since we've been going lost babies 40+ weeks.

I can understand the desire to have a group in which the losses others have suffered are similar in terms of gestation or infancy to yours.  I was happy to see there were many people with losses at the same gestation as me since I worried that I wouldn't totally be able to relate to those with early losses and that people with losses at term or in infancy might not be able to relate to me. 

The best thing about the group is that some of those who have been coming for years now have had their rainbow babies.  It is really, really helpful for me to see that it is possible to have a successful pregnancy and a live baby after a late loss.

The worst thing about the group, in my experience, is that in meeting other loss parents we've now heard all sorts of scary heartbreaking stories.  So we now have a lot more knowledge of what could go wrong (other than what went wrong for us) and thus will probably worry even more than we would have.

figgs0831

The loss group I went to was the same.  It catered to all stages of loss.  I went to three meetings and I was the only one there with a later loss.  Everyone else was 5 or 6 weekers.  It was awkward.  I hated it and it did not help at all.  All I did was manage to scare the other women with my repeated late loss story.

I mentioned my concerns to the group leader and she actually got offended.  So, I stopped going to groups and found myself a nice therapist.

philfemgal

Figgs0831, I have to say I also felt a little awkward about the loss group having folks with 1st trimester losses.  Part of our story is that we lost a twin (B) at 14 weeks.  I know this is really nothing like losing a singleton (and thus an entire pregnancy) at 14 weeks.  But still, I really did feel that there was a world of difference between the 14 week loss and the 18.5 week loss.  Most of the time in grieving or explaining our loss to others I don't say all that much about B.  I was sad, absolutely.  But it did not devastate me.  It didn't change me forever.  It didn't make me feel like I was a mom with a dead baby.  Whereas I felt all of that when I gave birth to Alice. 

Once, when describing (to my wife) the magnitude of difference I feel and why I don't say much about B, I said this: "Losing Alice was like having my arm chopped off.  In comparison to that, losing B was like stubbing my toe.  Why would I spend a lot of time complaining about my stubbed toe when my arm was just cut off?"

(Of course, this is just my feeling.  Others might feel completely different.  My own wife actually seems to feel a little differently than me about this.  For instance, I never had any desire at all to give a name to the twin we lost--I just didn't see him/her as really a baby.  But for awhile my wife did suggest that we name the twin.  I think she was always more attached to the idea of having two babies than I was, whereas I was more scared and worried.)

Given this, I have felt at times that I can't be totally, absolutely honest at the group sessions.  Because when there are people with losses at 8 or 12 or 14 weeks there grieving and I absolutely don't use the arm cut off/toe-stub analogy.

I remember one issue that stands out to me that really exemplified the early vs. later loss issue.  Some attendees (people who have been attending the group for years) sometimes try to comfort newer participants at the group by pointing out that you are a different person after your loss and will never be the same, and you have to get to know the new you.  I absolutely think that is true for me and my wife about Alice, and I knew it was true before anyone ever said it to me.  But I have witnessed this being said to people with losses in the mid 1st trimester and I really had to wonder if that was the best thing to say to them.  I have definitely seen numerous other women talk about early losses without thinking of them as absolutely devastating or life-altering (which is not to say they are fun or that one doesn't need support for them.)  But I sort of wondered if that talk might just do more harm than good--what if this woman was not looking at her loss as forever changing her and by bringing her into the fold of people who held dead babies in their arms are actually making things worse for her?

I also have a therapist I really like (2 actually!  one for just me who I had already been seeing about career issues and one for my wife and I to see together about grief).  I particularly enjoy the feeling that I can say whatever I am feeling about my loss there without worrying that I am offending someone or belittling their loss.