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Blended Families
Maryland Baby
member
White Lies- Long..
Maryland Baby
member
I am wondering whether anyone has had any success with their SD/SS and lies?
They aren't bad lies, but all lies to me are important for the future no matter how big or small.
We have been dealing with a lot of lies that I generally catch rather than my DH and her BM. It's been the last few years of this since I came into her life (she is 7 1/2) and it's progressively getting worse.
A few examples: The day she came home with gum inside the tongue of her shoe. Actually inside, her sock was stuck to it. Being that I feel its a natural question to ask how it got there.. she proceeded to tell me the 3 yr old next door must of put it in there in walking from bus up the drive, someone dropped it in there..she said must of happened and on and on... and after 3 days she had her parents believing this. After BM confessed there was the same color gum in her center compartment in the car. She totally played them, As I said to DH its' not about the gum, it's the lie that surrounded it.
I constantly catch her picking her buggers and wiping on my couch. Then lies after I saw her. (I guess this is normal.. but she's almost 8 shouldn't she be able to listen and not do this after a time??)
Because of all the grief I get getting ready in a morning I/me and SD pick out clothes the night before. I laid her socks out for gym day, and this am she was sheepishly holding them in her hands whilst peeking in her underwear drawer. I didn't think much of it, asked if she was ok as she had a weird look on her face. When she came home from school she had totally different odd socks on. I laughed called her goofy and said what was wrong with the ones I got out? she lied and told me she didn't see them..and I don't understand why? I really don't care! they are socks but why LIE!!!
Last night when I said she hasn't been brushing her teeth (major issue with 6 cavities and a gold cap on a baby tooth) she tried to get me in trouble by saying I didn't buy her toothpaste to DH, meanwhile there was a full tube almost on her sink. I push the teeth brushing but I really am not an individual parent here, again thats a parental issue it's the lie I have an issue with. She totally did it it on purpose so DH would turn on me, he didn't but he has done in the past.
AND.. lastly my biggest pet peeve. We have talked a million times and heard every single excuse in the book but she continues to wipe her poop butt on clean bath towels out of sheer laziness. I've situated the toilet roll, and the this and that to accommodate excuses. Tonight it didn't fly and I am still upset. After playing in the pool she dashed to the bathroom, my 1 yr old likes to follow big sis and when I went to check there was SD wiping her butt on a clean pool towel with the toilet roll right in front of her face. I couldn't even talk I just walked off, tired of repeating myself.
DH is supportive but I don't feel is stern enough. He honestly doesn't think it's all big deal but he supports me most of the time. The things that upset me don't upset him as much. We have NEVER punished her as long as she has eventually told the truth.
am I an overreacting step parent or is this just a taste of what may be to come if we don't try to deal with the white lies? she is a good girl who really has no need to lie to us. She gets conversation not punishments to encourage truth telling!
Any insight anyone?
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Re: White Lies- Long..
Thats what I thought. I don't believe she does that at her mothers house, probably just not been caught. I am the disciplinarian, I believe she needs boundaries, rules, and a great deal of structure. But If I do ask her not to do something a thousand times over I think she should be able to comprehend at almost 8.
Having her clean up she just doesn't care. Taking things away, just doesn't care.
As for the cleaning, I have hand sanitizer as well as soap in every room (hand washing is an issue too) I hand and heavy duty wash the towels she has messed, and the last time she did it on her underwear I just threw them in the trash.
It's draining the energy out of me..
you need to sit down with your DH, he is SD's father after all. you need to provide a united front. she is playing the two of you against each other and she clearly has no regard for the things you are asking her to do.
IMO an 8 yr old should not be wiping her butt on a towel, should not be wiping boogers on a couch etc.
you tell her once, if she does it again, she is punished. the punishment can be a time out, or take something away. if that doesn't affect her, don't let her have dessert one night while the rest of the family gets ice cream sundaes. or don't let her play in the pool, etc.
I totally get that you are the observant one and your DH is much more relaxed, that's how it is at our house. I gave up dealing with SD's crap. when I uncover something I bring it to his attention and let him deal with it. (with SD at least)
good luck
When my DD told lies, I would send her to her room and tell her to come down when she is ready to tell me the truth. I would only use that punishment when I KNEW she was lying (not suspecting).
Also, DD heard "why should I believe you?" when she told the opposite version of events from, for example, her brother (who has many faults, but has no history of lying) or a teacher.
I cannot believe your H is not disgusted by the towels. I would buy new towels and pay for them with money from her piggy bank / savings account (and show her the receipt). She must have $$ from grandma or the tooth fairy, etc. I would hand her the old towel and tell them they are hers now, you don't want a nasty towel that was used as a butt wipe.
From a practical standpoint - maybe she doesn't like that tp falls apart, or doesn't keep her clean or chaftes? Have you tried using bath wipes (like cottonelle or scotties)?
We have had no sucess. SS is 12 and he lies about EVERYTHING! The big things and the small stupid things. I'm pretty sure nothing he says is the truth. We have done everything under the sun and NOTHING has worked.
Oh and once I saw poop on his towel. It was just once but still it was so gross. If he did it all the time I wouldn't allow him acess to towels. I would make him air dry out of the shower and pool!
Son of a nutcracker. TB ate my post.
First, my SS did the towel thing. Until one day I almost wiped my face in a sh!t coveted towel. It was one of the few times I let him see me really angry. That is just f-ing gross! I took all the towels out of the bathroom, which was inconvenient for us, but it left him with TP or those charmin wipes. I also made him wash the towels. All of them. In case of cross contamination since he threw the sh!t towel on a pile of other towels (no linen closet so towel were in a basket).
Your H needs to get on board with parenting his daughter. He needs to be paying attention to the things she says and her actions and hold her accountable for them. A lot of the lying may be to get parental attention. As in pay attention to me, give me structure, expectations, rules and consequences.
Thank you for every single one of your responses. I can't honestly decide which direction to go in. I have tried so so many times to get DH on board but until it's too late I say I told you so he is as stubborn as any one person can be and feels I am too harsh on her. There is resentment building between all 3 of us because of this.
I realize there is a lot of things going on that need addressing and I have no idea where to start. After trying for so long I am exasperated.
She gets ALOT of attention. TOO much. Yet she constantly needs reassurance, love, kisses, do you love me. She is so insecure. She just gets so much love and attention I don't know how I can do more..? she calls me mommy the whole 9 yards. I treat her just as my 1 yr old despite she's a baby and need "more" of different attention.
All she knows is bells and whistles. Everytime she is here she expects to be doing parties, cookouts, pool, ice cream, snow balls etc etc.. when she is at BM its even worse. The guilt trips to go to dinner, the mall. BM treats her like a BFF not daughter, and I am telling you this girl gets bought new clothes, shoes, bikes, ipods you name it EVERY WEEK. It is insane.No respect or concept for anything. It is going to be a major issue that I am tired of repeating myself over.
Sometimes I think I am too harsh one her, yes I think she craves attention. But when she does stuff like this it makes me so freaking mad. I have tried letting it go, brushing it off, asking politely, using other terms such as "is that where the trash goes?" instead of constant NO.
As for paying for things she just doesn't give a crap, mommy will buy it is her answer. I've put potty wipes in the bathroom, toilet paper, short of wiping it for her like a baby I'm not sure what else to do. I let DH deal with her and all he said was "towels are not for wiping butts on" and that was pretty much it.
DH will struggle to get on board because he feels bad for her. Guilty she lives in a broken home, his wife left him and we share 50/50 custody. Every other day which is also I feel an issue but no one is interested in changing that. Big NO, won't even be considered. She hasn't know any different since she was a baby. We have no consistency for any of us.
Thanks for all your help.. we have lots to continue trying to work through which we are all trying, but it doesn't mean life isn't so gosh dam hard sometimes. I love DH but sometimes I wonder what I have gotten myself into...
I think this is part of the problem. Why does she have to tell the truth the first, second, or third time as long as, when she gets caught, and sooner or later tells the truth, she isn't punished?
I think you need to make a personal rule - it might not bother your H that she lies - and the rule is "you don't lie TO me, and you don't lie ABOUT me. If you do, you will be punished." Let your H know that you are making this rule. And when she lies - send her to her room, take away her IPOD, whatever it takes. It doesn't necessarily need to bother her (on the outside), but you will feel better and she will get the message that lying is not cool. If she lies to her dad, her mom, etc....that's not your problem. She will learn that she can't lie to (or about) you.
As for the stained towels - gross! I would do one of the following:
1) Take away the bathroom towels. You can use paper hand towls (yes, not eco friendly, but better than ruining good towels)
2) Make her wash the dirty towel by hand when you find it.
3) Throw the dirty towel on your H and say "your daughter wiped her *ss on a towel again. Clean this up because I'm not cleaning up after her anymore." If your H just leaves the towel around, serve him his dinner with the dirty towel as his placemat / on his seat. Seriously - I'm not kidding. This is what I would do with my H (including the language....I realize that not everyone talks like this to their H). If your H is disgusted tell him "oh, I thought pooped on towels were perfectly fine - it's obviously fine for them to be in the bathroom.
I would also say....let go of some fights. Her teeth are a battle. Let her dad take care of the teeth. Tell him you don't want to fight with about tooth brushing with SD anymore, and he is in charge. Yes, the $$ may bother you, you love her and want her to be healthy and have heathy teeth, but ultimately it's HER teeth. She is old enough to know the consequences of not brushing her teeth. In a few years her breath will smell and her classmates will shame her into brushing.
Also, with the mornings - if they are a problem even after you have established a routine, let your H get her dressed. Even if that means she has to wake up at 6 am, get dressed, and go back to bed, tell him he needs to get her ready for school b/c she won't mind you.
Or tell her you are driving at 8:30 am (the time you need to leave for school), and if she is late, you're not taking her again until 9:30 (or whenever) because between 8:31 and 9:29 doesn't work for you, and she'll have to ask her dad for a note, because you won't write one. She can't watch tv, play with her ipod, text friends, etc. while she is waiting. She'll have to read a book.
I see your SD as trying to control the household. She knows she can push your buttons, she knows she can prove that daddy loves her more (if he picks her side or doesn't support you strongly enough), she knows she can get attention, she knows she can make you run around crazy. Start setting your own boundries. Let your H deal with what you don't want to deal with. Yes, you love SD and many of the things you do are for her benefit, but ultimately it is not your responsiblility to turn her into a honest girl with healthy teeth and gums. At least, you can't do it alone when the two other adults in her life couldn't care less.
All of this!!!
What she needs is rules and expectations that are clearly defined and followed through on. If you can get BM on board to carry through with punishments at her place, great, if not, do what you can at home. Your DH needs to drop the guilt parenting because it's not doing your SD any favors. How is she going to benefit from parenting that comes from a place of guilt instead of parenting from a place of love?
I never thought about separating it all and not dealing with specific things, thats certainly worth a try. THANK YOU!
I cannot do it alone but I Will do what I can. I do set boundaries and expectations we have morning routines and rules which routine gone ok- but following instructions is a battle.
As for the none punishing- this only happens once she has a second chance to come clean. If she comes clean depending on the lie she may get a time out, the none punishment is to simply encourage her not to lie. I don't want her to think well "I get in trouble if I tell the truth, I get in troubleif I lie, I may as well just lie lie lie"
I really appreciate every single one of your responses!!! I am so glad that I'm not going crazy and I am in the wrong.
amen.