Relating to friend after loss (late-term loss)

michelle_1221

Hoping anyone that has experienced a loss can help guide me (or anyone in general).  My coworker/friend loss her baby daughter at 34 weeks due to a cord compression.  This was her second baby, and she was followed by a perinatologist because of previous mc's.  I was due within 1 month of her and because it was my 1st, we'd grew much closer as we shared our pregnancy milestones.  She is the sweetest person ever and I still somehow feel so guilty this would happen to her (and not me).  We went to the wake, I still pray for her daily.  Even when I was on leave, I thought of her daily. 

I'm back from my leave and am struggling in how I relate to her.  I ask her about her son who is 4 years and she ask me about my daughter, but I realized the other day she was upset after we talked (a co-worker told me).  I feel like it would be wrong to just avoid her, but it's also so hard to not mention my daughter or pumping (which is why I come to her office area).  I can't imagine how difficult it is for her and feel like perhaps I should just avoid her - but that obviously seems wrong also. 

Any suggestions appreciated and hug/kiss your LO's a bit tighter tonight. 

 

chemmie03

I am not sure there is a lot you can really do because your child is a memory of what is no longer for her. But if you feel like you are friends, you can ask her what she would like your relationship be at this time. Let her know that you are willing to do what she wants and won't be mad. Let her know you really care for her and do not want to see her hurt especially because you two talked. Let her know you are there for her. I have not gone thru this but I hope my suggestions help. 

michelle_1221

michelle_1221:

Hoping anyone that has experienced a loss can help guide me (or anyone in general).  My coworker/friend loss her baby daughter at 34 weeks due to a cord compression.  This was her second baby, and she was followed by a perinatologist because of previous mc's.  I was due within 1 month of her and because it was my 1st, we'd grew much closer as we shared our pregnancy milestones.  She is the sweetest person ever and I still somehow feel so guilty this would happen to her (and not me).  We went to the wake, I still pray for her daily.  Even when I was on leave, I thought of her daily. 

I'm back from my leave and am struggling in how I relate to her.  I ask her about her son who is 4 years and she ask me about my daughter, but I realized the other day she was upset after we talked (a co-worker told me).  I feel like it would be wrong to just avoid her, but it's also so hard to not mention my daughter or pumping (which is why I come to her office area).  I can't imagine how difficult it is for her and feel like perhaps I should just avoid her - but that obviously seems wrong also. 

Any suggestions appreciated and hug/kiss your LO's a bit tighter tonight. 

 

Thanks, I've asked her about this before both in person and via email. I think she is just too nice to be truthful.

julesjarvais65

My friend just lost her daugther at 21 weeks last week. Emmalyn has actually been around her a few times since then and she's ok with it. I told her to be completely honest if it was getting too much for her, and I also got a lot of tips from the Loss board. Those girls were really helpful. You could go on there and ask for advice!!

karebear57

Sorry I'm butting in. I lost my girl in Oct. at 25wks, I was due in jan and it's weird but every once in a while I lurk here to see what I'm missing out on. I've got my boys but it's been a while since I had a LO.

Avoiding her is not going to help. Just have a regular conversation with her that doesn't revolve around kids. Take her aside in private and let her know you are there for her and just ask her if she is okay with you talking about your lo at times. When talking about her angel, use her name. That really means a lot, it shows you care and you have remembered. Let her talk about her angel. Remember special dates, (ie; her EDD, LO's birthday, month markers, etc.) If you guys hung out after work, have a girls night or maybe get her something with her angel's name on it.

 I've got a neighbor that lives behind me that was due with her girl the same wk I was and whenever I hear her baby It's like a knife to the heart. It's been 8 months tomorrow and it's still hard to hear. I actually held her 2 months ago and I held her for a long time and I didn't cry until I went inside later.(which is a great improvement!) She knows I lost my lo but that's about it. Just remember, she will never 'get over it' or 'move on'. She will always remember but she will find a way to live her 'new' life. She is forever changed; she will never be the same person ever again. She will find happiness again, esp. with a good friend like you.