Anyone dealing with a perfectionist?

EnglishMajor03

My oldest is incredibly hard on herself, lacks confidence in her abilities and is a complete and utter perfectionist.  She has been since she was a baby.  I'm just not sure how many more times I can say "it's okay if your (insert drawn shape here) isn't perfect.  What matters it that you tried"  and listen to her throw a fit for 25 minutes.  I'm feeling ineffective in my parenting.

Does anyone have a good book resource or some otherwise amazing advice?  She'll be five in July. 

Brewtowngrl

I skip the part where you say  "if your  XXXX isn't perfect"  I tell him that it is perfect to me.  It helps.  

KathrynMD

ditto PP

I would start praising effort - while she's doing it!  "Hey - I love that picture you are doing - its so pretty/bright/big/scary"  "oh, I love the pink you choose" etc, etc.

I wouldn't talk about anything being perfect - whether you are talking about yourself or her.

neverblushed

Hi there -- lurker from school aged kids board.  Sorry this got so LONG, but I have LONG experience with this topic as a mom and as an English teacher.   Both my kids can tend towards perfectionism and anxiety, but DD, who is 11, is the real perfectionist around our home!

She is VERY good at some things (academic skills, particularly anything related to the humanities) and not so good at others (large motor skills, particularly anything involving a lot of balancing or throwing.)  Because so many things come easily to her, she has not had a lot of experience with the idea of gradually improving at something.

I agree with the PPs.  When you say "it's okay if your ____ isn't perfect, just try your best," a smart kid hears/thinks "Mommy noticed my _____ isn't perfect."  I try to give specific, qualitative feedback rather than evaluative feedback.  In other words, "you used my favorite color for those flowers" rather than "you drew those flowers so well."

Also, although it's counter-intuitive, my DD is far less perfectionistic when it comes to really difficult tasks.  She's more willing to take a risk if she accepts from the outset that there's no chance of perfection.  If failure is the expected result, then there's no need to worry about doing it perfectly.

Finally -- and I would use this technique sparingly -- I have found that playing video games has helped her.  They provide instant gratification in a way that other activities do not.  It's hard to see the results of long term practice when it comes to writing English essays or playing the piano.  All you tend to see/hear are the mistakes... over and over.  But in a low-stakes situation like a video game, it's easy to see that it takes a few attempts at that Mario level to figure it out.  It's normal to lose all your lives and have to start over several times.  Each time you get a little closer, and it's both compelling and rewarding.

I have been able to use her experience with video/computer games to reason with my DD when I want her to keep trying in other situations, like learning a new stroke in swimming or factoring polynomials or whatever. I remind her that it's NORMAL in most situations to have to fail many times before making progress. 

I found that both my kids seemed very brittle when it came to anxiety and perfectionism at around age 4 to 5.  They both went through an emotional growth spurt at around 6ish that helped mellow them a bit.  It's not that they're less perfectionistic, but that they handle it without so much emotional upheaval.  Hang in there!