Other people's looks, comments, etc. . .
Lately there have been several posts about how to deal with the looks and comments of other people. I have been an SN mom for a few years now, and my feelings on this have evolved over time. I would like to share my perspective, but I would also like to clarify that it is not an attack or judgment on anyone who feels/ handles this situation differently. That said . . . .
People usually mean well. It's not worth dwelling on, either way. People say things that are stupid and offensive to all kinds of other people, not just SN moms.
I just smile and say "Yeahhhhhh" and move on with my life. These people are not trying to crap in our cheerios. They are trying to make sense of something that upsets them, quite possibly because they don't want to see us or our kids struggle. Maybe it's just because they are emotionally immature, or not that socially adept. Maybe they even have some of the issues our kids have, and never got any help with them.
I have found that, rather than spending time thinking of retorts, it is better to find ways to educate others and help DS connect with members of his community. Don't we all want our kids to be accepted by society? We can directly affect the level of acceptance by being ambassadors for our children. This means smiling in the face of ignorance, sharing our children's stories, and showing our children what true confidence is. I don't think my child's handicaps merit having ready comebacks. I think he is a person to be celebrated, and I communicate that through the pride I have in him wherever we go.
Perhaps I will get flamed for this, but I really do think we can spend our time focusing on ways to educate the staring people, and bring our communities to rally around those with special needs. What are some things you can do the next time you catch a person staring or telling you how "sorry" they are for you? Show them how HAPPY you are to have this child in your life! Show them that neither you, nor your child are a victim of God/fate/whatever, but BLESSED to learn and grow from one another! Don't let what you imagine people are thinking bully you into having a sad day. Show them what to think with your smile and your obvious delight in the child you have been given.
We don't control a lot in our lives since we were given these children. Some of us have lost careers, spouses, homes, lifestyles, family members, you name it. But we CAN control our attitudes and the way we approach the unknown. And if we model positivity, our children will learn to do the same. And I think that all children, especially those with extra challenges, can really use that.
*Steps off soapbox*
Re: Other people's looks, comments, etc. . .
Well put. For me, it is necessary to have crafted some appropriate responses ahead of time, to stave off the occasional bursting into tears or angry response if I'm a bad day. I would also like to help people to understand HOW they can help/comfort/show concern so they might have a kinder word for the next person they meet who is in pain. If I didn't prepare myself this way, I don't think my anxiety allow me to leave the house, ever.
But it is nice to know there may be a silver lining someday.
It has definitely taken me some time. For a long time I would imagine all the possible things people might say and what I would say and on and on. It just hurt my heart to think of anyone looking crossways at my dear child and I was in a mental cycle of imagining the worst. I was starting to adopt the posture of a hurt animal. It was not a good way to live.
I think we try to protect ourselves and our kids by imagining worst case scenarios, so we know how to handle them best. I did (and sometimes still do) that a lot. But as I am getting older I realize that no matter how many scenarios I imagine, there is always something that pops up that I never would have anticipated. So I am trying to keep a general philosophy of how to handle life. That way I spend less time stewing and worrying.
I don't feel comfortable telling anyone how to handle situations I don't live myself. Although I started by saying this is just my journey, I do want to emphasize that again. I am sure there will be incidents as DS gets older that will break my heart. But I guess that's part of life and parenting, right?
As a parent of 2 speech delayed kids, I have not received 'the looks' (unless I was dealing with some predictable toddler undesireable behaviours) as our special needs are not visible.
But I would be lying if I said I have never looked at a special needs kid and their caregiver/s. I certainly don't stare or gape (I don't think) but sometimes I will notice something and look. It is not judgement, more curiosity, I think. If I catch myself looking I generally try and catch the parent's eye and smile.
I'm posting this because it's true, and to let anyone who might be dwelling on a 'look' to know that sometimes a look is just a look, nothing more.
I'll probably get flamed for admitting this.
Flora, well said. I am absolutely there. And, I am very happy to see someone put it out there for others to see.
I agree with Auntie. For others who aren't quite there, but want to be... it's possible to get there.
I hope to be able to get to where you are someday. Sooner rather than later.