Etiquette and 2nd child

bearkatjen · June 2012

I recently told a couple of friends of mine I'm pregnant, and one of them immediately said she can't wait to do a shower. Knowing showers are a no-no for 2nd+ time moms, I said "Oh, I don't need a shower, I have baby stuff". My other friend popped up and said, "We can just do a small get together with food and games" and the other friend added "and make it a book party of something".

Is it okay to do a second shower, or do a bring-a-children's-book type shower? If not, how do I decline without making my friends feel tacky or bad?

Yesterday my mom asked me what I need for the baby. Well, I was one and done (this pg is a surprise) and have been giving away baby stuff left and right for the past couple of years, so I actually need a lot of stuff for the baby. I told her I made a wishlist on Amazon and BRU, so I have a list of everything I'm planning on getting, and if she wants, I can share that with her. Then she tried to talk me into creating a registry, and I told absolutely noway.

Am I wrong? These are definitely no-no's the second time around, right?

BallSox · June 2012

It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.

If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.

As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.

KayaXavier · June 2012

It is entirely cultural and regional. Have you attended other showers for second time mothers? Have the women in your social circle and family had them? It is unheard of in my culture and region not to have a shower for each child. We have registeries for subsequent showers simply because women who are already mothers need even more to specify what would be useful for them as opposed to what they already have. Do not let women on the Internet who are likely not from your region or culture dictate this choice, go by what is common in your circle. That said, it is never polite to demand a specific gift or type of gift and I can't even imagine why you would invite anyone except for family and very close friends to any shower, even a 1st.

KayaXavier · June 2012

BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.

This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

MarleneG88 · June 2012

KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

Definitely agree with this one, I am white but I live in LA and everyone has baby showers, my SIL and a friend had one for their third kids, with FB invites to boot, so I think it's whatever you're comfortable with...if ppl r offering it can't be that taboo to do

KayaXavier · June 2012

MarleneG88:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

Definitely agree with this one, I am white but I live in LA and everyone has baby showers, my SIL and a friend had one for their third kids, with FB invites to boot, so I think it's whatever you're comfortable with...if ppl r offering it can't be that taboo to do

I'm from LA as well and even among the white women in my social circle it is unheard of not to have subsequent showers. I think maybe in more red state type areas baby showers are giant social affairs like weddings where you invite people you hardly know or something and that's why you don't invite people twice? I don't know.

cookiemdough · June 2012

I don't really have a problem if people really want to do something to celebrate your second child. Keep it small and don't do a registry. I think it becomes problematic when people post on here that they are upset that someone is not offering / choosing to throw them a second shower or when they try to throw one for themselves. If your friends / family aren't accustomed to it then of course you shouldn't expect a shower. In my group of friends we celebrate all babies. The first ones get a big shower, subsequent ones are very small, usually comprised of just the girls getting together to go out to eat or we have a small gtg at someone's house. No different than how we celebrate birthdays among my group of friends. I don't think this is a regional thing, I think it just depends on your social circle.

RoxyLynn · June 2012

If you thought it was perfectly acceptable, you wouldn't come here and ask. No one ever asks if it's OK to have a shower for we all know it's fine.a first-time Mom, because we all know it's fine.

bearkatjen · June 2012

I'm from Texas, but I don't really know if people do second showers around here. I know my mom had two showers for her second child, but there was an eight year gap between the first and the second and neither were family showers like her first one.

My showers for my first were all family or work, so I guess I'm okay saying yes to a small shower with friends since there won't be an overlap in guests. I'm definitely not registering though. That's not inconsiderate is it? I just don't want people to feel obligated to buy a present, and though registries can be convenient for the gift giver, I also feel like they send the message that a gift is expected.

BallSox · June 2012

RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.

Wow, what the hell does race have to do with it? So you're saying that a black woman from a rural area can have multiple showers? How about a white woman from an urban area? What about an Asian woman from suburbia near Chicago? You are so quick to point out that my custom is not a hard and fast rule, but you're just as solid on the fact that only white hick women stick to the one shower rule. I even threw in the "widely" part to signify that it's not a hard and fast rule.

Like Roxy said, if she was 100% comfortable with the idea (aka, it was accepted in her social circle) she wouldn't have come here asking about it. It goes back to my tacky rule of thumb. If you have to ask, it is.

KayaXavier · June 2012

BallSox:
RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.
Wow, what the hell does race have to do with it? So you're saying that a black woman from a rural area can have multiple showers? How about a white woman from an urban area? What about an Asian woman from suburbia near Chicago? You are so quick to point out that my custom is not a hard and fast rule, but you're just as solid on the fact that only white hick women stick to the one shower rule. I even threw in the "widely" part to signify that it's not a hard and fast rule.
Like Roxy said, if she was 100% comfortable with the idea (aka, it was accepted in her social circle) she wouldn't have come here asking about it. It goes back to my tacky rule of thumb. If you have to ask, it is.

Simmer down, there. It was an observation.

KayaXavier · June 2012

RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.

Look up the word "statistic". It doesn't mean what you think it does. Sounds like you take "white" as an insult, too. Seek therapy, perhaps. Learn to love yourself for who you are.

Liz4444 · June 2012

KayaXavier:
RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.
Look up the word "statistic". It doesn't mean what you think it does. Sounds like you take "white" as an insult, too. Seek therapy, perhaps. Learn to love yourself for who you are.

Actually, I think you are the one who needs to look up what statistic means. Your odd opinion based on no actual evidence does not a statistic make.

BallSox · June 2012

KayaXavier:
BallSox:
RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.
Wow, what the hell does race have to do with it? So you're saying that a black woman from a rural area can have multiple showers? How about a white woman from an urban area? What about an Asian woman from suburbia near Chicago? You are so quick to point out that my custom is not a hard and fast rule, but you're just as solid on the fact that only white hick women stick to the one shower rule. I even threw in the "widely" part to signify that it's not a hard and fast rule.
Like Roxy said, if she was 100% comfortable with the idea (aka, it was accepted in her social circle) she wouldn't have come here asking about it. It goes back to my tacky rule of thumb. If you have to ask, it is.
Simmer down, there. It was an observation.

Well is it an observation or a statistic? I think perhaps you are the one who doesn't know what the word statistic means.

bdbelladonna · June 2012

you can have a shower. this is my third baby but my first shower. so just enjoy it.

PunkyBooster · June 2012

KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

Based on...?

I'm hardly from a rural area, whether I'm white or not has nothing to do with this and I agree with BallSox.

Aleja0918 · June 2012

KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

Hmm

I'm not white and I live in the city. None of my friends or family members have showers for subsequent children because they, as the definition of a shower suggests, view the event as a party to welcome a woman into motherhood.

AprilAngie · June 2012

discobelle:
Emily Post says: "It's fine to have a baby shower for a second or third baby. Immediate family and very close friends are usually included, but otherwise choose guests who did not attend a shower for a previous child."
It sounds like you have people who are excited to host, and I think it would be fine as long as it's done tastefully and doesn't turn into an invite-everyone-you-know kind of thing.
I agree with this. I know many ppl dont- but honestly its a shower.

3monkeysmama · June 2012

I think showers are meant to be a celebration of a new life, so having more then one is fine. I had a HUGE shower with #1, and with #2 just a small one that some girlfriends had for me. Now for #3 my mom is having a shower for neccessities, like diapers or things from a registry we made because our oldest is almost 7, and a lot of our gear is expired or broken and needs replacing, but there is nothing huge on the registry (since my parents already bought the new stroller!) Mostly just washcloths and towels...I think the biggest thing is a baby tub, and some new moniters! I have a good friend who had her third boy, and since she didn't need anything, we had a shower where everyone brought a cassarole that she could put in the freezer to have during those first few weeks with a new baby, and two other little ones. People loved the idea! It doesn't have turn into a huge gift grab type thing. With my group of friends, we pretty much all have showers for all babies! We love it!

Liz4444 · June 2012

For all of you people that just want to celebrate the new baby, why are you so insistant on calling it a shower? If you just had a party, called it something else, and didn't include registry info, none of us would question anything. So why the foot stomping that it must be a shower?

3monkeysmama · June 2012

I think calling it a shower is a tradition, that`s all...and in my experience people like registries (especially for 2nd and 3rd babies) because they want to get a gift that the parents really need. That`s all. If someone is willing to have a shower for you, and people are excited to come, I think it`s great! If people are invited and think that it`s tacky or whatever, they don`t have to come. Its up to them.

Aleja0918 · June 2012

SmileyGirl18:
RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:

It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.

If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.

As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.

This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.

I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.

I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.

Well, I am white and NOT in a rual area either and it happens all the time in my social circles and in my family. Every child is honored.

You can honor a child without making friends and family purchase gifts each time you make the choice to add to your family.

KayaXavier · June 2012

BallSox:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
RedheadBaker:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
I'm white, but most definitely NOT in a rural area, and around here, you get one shower.
I think you pulled that "statistic" out of your ass.
Wow, what the hell does race have to do with it? So you're saying that a black woman from a rural area can have multiple showers? How about a white woman from an urban area? What about an Asian woman from suburbia near Chicago? You are so quick to point out that my custom is not a hard and fast rule, but you're just as solid on the fact that only white hick women stick to the one shower rule. I even threw in the "widely" part to signify that it's not a hard and fast rule.
Like Roxy said, if she was 100% comfortable with the idea (aka, it was accepted in her social circle) she wouldn't have come here asking about it. It goes back to my tacky rule of thumb. If you have to ask, it is.
Simmer down, there. It was an observation.
Well is it an observation or a statistic? I think perhaps you are the one who doesn't know what the word statistic means.

I never used the word statistic, I made an observation based on posts on this board. But, I'm really not interested in arguing with a woman who is trolling a pregnancy message board while NOT EVEN PREGNANT. That is so strange and sad, I just can't even...

KayaXavier · June 2012

PunkyBooster:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
Based on...?
I'm hardly from a rural area, whether I'm white or not has nothing to do with this and I agree with BallSox.

Im not really sure why YOU have anything to do with the conversation at all. You've made thousands upon thousands of posts on a pregnancy website and you are not pregnant. Yikes. That's really sad and bizarre. Get a hobby.

myatala · June 2012

KayaXavier:

I never used the word statistic, I made an observation based on posts on this board. But, I'm really not interested in arguing with a woman who is trolling a pregnancy message board while NOT EVEN PREGNANT. That is so strange and sad, I just can't even...

KayaXavier:
Im not really sure why YOU have anything to do with the conversation at all. You've made thousands upon thousands of posts on a pregnancy website and you are not pregnant. Yikes. That's really sad and bizarre. Get a hobby.

Seriously? So EVERY board on The Bump is for currently-pregnant women ONLY? Really? Wow. There's a poopton of boards in my sidebar that didn't get that memo, then. Guess what? There's a ton of topics related to becoming a parent, or being a parent, that have boards here. A positive pee stick isn't required to participate in the community.

A person doesn't have to be pregnant to have opinions about baby showers. People planning or attending baby showers even start threads here, and no, we don't all have to be currently pregnant to weigh in with an opinion.

BallSox · June 2012

KayaXavier:
I never used the word statistic, I made an observation based on posts on this board. But, I'm really not interested in arguing with a woman who is trolling a pregnancy message board while NOT EVEN PREGNANT. That is so strange and sad, I just can't even...

If you're assuming that my uterus is barren just because I don't have a ticker claiming otherwise, I'm going to assume you're a middle-aged balding man living in his mom's basement due to you not having any signature at all. So, my dear, you may not want to argue with a woman that you believe to be not pregnant but I refuse to associate with a creeper old man getting his giggles at trolling a pregnancy and parenting message board.

:snort:

Liz4444 · June 2012

BallSox:
KayaXavier:

I never used the word statistic, I made an observation based on posts on this board. But, I'm really not interested in arguing with a woman who is trolling a pregnancy message board while NOT EVEN PREGNANT. That is so strange and sad, I just can't even...

If you're assuming that my uterus is barren just because I don't have a ticker claiming otherwise, I'm going to assume you're a middle-aged balding man living in his mom's basement due to you not having any signature at all. So, my dear, you may not want to argue with a woman that you believe to be not pregnant but I refuse to associate with a creeper old man getting his giggles at trolling a pregnancy and parenting message board.

:snort:

::giggle snort::

PunkyBooster · June 2012

KayaXavier:
PunkyBooster:
KayaXavier:
BallSox:
It sucks for you that you gave away your baby stuff, but it's (widely) not accepted to have another shower for a second + child. You have months of garage sale season left and can easily pick up a lot of items new or barely used.
If your friends insist on throwing a party, very small, informal and non-gift centric (aka, not a shower of any sort) would be the way to go.
As far as the registry goes, you can make a registry for yourself to keep a list of what you need if you should desire, but I'd keep it private and not advertise it.
This is widely true for white women in rural areas but widely varies outside of this narrow demographic. Your custom is not a hard and fast rule.
Based on...?
I'm hardly from a rural area, whether I'm white or not has nothing to do with this and I agree with BallSox.
Im not really sure why YOU have anything to do with the conversation at all. You've made thousands upon thousands of posts on a pregnancy website and you are not pregnant. Yikes. That's really sad and bizarre. Get a hobby.

How the *** do you know I'm not pregnant?

I don't see YOUR pregnancy ticker either, b!tch. So by your own assumptions, YOU aren't actually pregnant either.

ryry1977 · June 2012

I see nothing wrong with making a registry. You don't have to tell anyone or just let people know who ask. That way if they really want to get you something you want they can. I always like when people make registries or wish lists fior their kids birthdays and such.

eclipselova4eva · June 2012

I hate when this question comes up on the boards. Everyone has their own opinions on 2nd baby showers. If someone wants to do a shower for you, great! Enjoy every minute. I know I will be enjoying my second shower this Saturday. If people don't agree with it, they just don't come to it.

Liz4444 · June 2012

ryry1977:
I see nothing wrong with making a registry. You don't have to tell anyone or just let people know who ask. That way if they really want to get you something you want they can. I always like when people make registries or wish lists fior their kids birthdays and such.

A birthday registry? Seriously? Accept a gift and say thank you, this is why everyone feels so damn entitled nowadays.

Mom2Cinderella · June 2012

Wow I'm lurking because I am on the november 2011 board and babies 6-9 months. So my uterus is currently barren. Stick out tongue I just wanted to add, that I've been on this website longer than most of the currently pregnant women because I've been here since I got my bfp about a year and a half ago. There are women who have been here since they got married on the knot and from previous pregnancies. So I agree-this website is not just for currently pregnant women. But I admit-I am just looking at the baby shower board because my sister-in-law is currently pregnant.

I also agree that if someone is offering to throw you a shower, then who cares if people on a website think it's tacky?

I had 3 big showers for my 1st pregnancy (my family, DH's family and work). For my 2nd baby I had a small diaper shower at work, but all of my family members and close friends still bought me a gift even though I technically did not have a shower. I didn't ask anyone to buy me anything-they wanted to. I created more of a wish list because every new baby needs things and it was more for me to keep track of things I saw and wanted to get. But I didn't share it with anyone unless they asked me if there was something I needed.

In my opinion, a shower is a "BABY" shower not a motherhood shower. Maybe the 2nd one is toned down and only involves light sandwiches and cake and no games, etc. But I don't see what the big deal is.

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