School me on the basics of bed-sharing

Mrs.vtjaime

What are the 'rules,' aside from the obvious no drinking, drugs, etc.?

For example, I have a pillow top mattress. Is that a deal breaker? What kind of covers are appropriate? Should baby be between my husband and me, or between me and the edge of the bed? Do you sleep sort of cradling baby, or with some distance? Do you build baby a little nest?

As you can tell, I'm a newbie when it comes to this whole mothering thing, but unlike the idea of bed sharing and I imagine it will work best for our family. Thanks for your advice!! 

rosiemomma

the pillow mattress isn't a deal breaker unless it is so soft it would 'envelope' baby. 
Should baby be between daddy and you? that depends on daddy... my SO is a deeeeeep sleeper so it is a no for us... in the first weeks I suggest baby sleep between you and the wall or you and a bedrail... if your hubs is a light sleeper than you can put baby in between you two after your baby isn't brand new. In fact that was my favorite prt of bed sharing she could snuggle with daddy and stay content while I got up!

Building baby a nest? No I kept blankets and pillows away from her face, I wore clothing that had easy access to my breasts (like a tank top)and cradled her on my arm (or just under my arm) while I slept on my side.

here is some more:

https://www.thefoodoflove.org/breastfeed-in-your-sleep.htm

https://www.mother-2-mother.com/tut-layingdown.htm

https://www.drmomma.org/2009/10/breastfeeding-bedsharing-still-useful.html 

celiabwatson

We kept baby between me and daddy because we didn't want to get a bedrail. We have a King sized bed and naturally sleep as far from each other as possible. Weird I know, but I get really hot when I sleep and he gets really cold. We have very different sleeping needs. I also don't need many blankets so I just had blankets down on my legs, a shirt on (with easy access) and the pillow was under my head but with my arm between the pillow and the baby (around baby but not necessarily touching, depending). We have a pillow top so we don't allow babies to sleep on their belly on our bed (which isn't a good idea anyway right?) but it's been fine for back sleeping. In fact my daughter didn't bedshare because of that. She HAS TO sleep on her belly so she's been in a bassinet or crib from day one because I don't trust her on our bed (though we do play and snuggle there when she's awake).

pixieprincss

I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sleeping-Your-Baby-Parents-Cosleeping/dp/1930775342 but to answer the questions you have here...

I have a pillow top mattress. Is that a deal breaker?  It depends on how pillowy. The firmer the better, but I wouldn't automatically rule out a pillow top. Would a little face be buried in the pillowy-ness? If you are face down on the mattress, how well can you breathe?

What kind of covers are appropriate? The strictest incarnation of this rule is one cover (your choice of weight) pulled up no more than waist high on you. Also, no more than 1 pillow per adult. Dress for comfort with just the 1 cover while trying to minimize the layers on you (For example, a nightgown with a robe with a tie isn't a good choice. Baby can get caught in between the  flappy layers and the tie is a strangulation hazard. Yet, a nursing tank + reasonably fitted t-shirt plus pants should be fine, though just one layer would be even better. Very long hair should be tied back.)

Should baby be between my husband and me, or between me and the edge of the bed?  Just next to mom (and even better if you are BFing because of the alertness those hormones bring). Even the most sensitive of dads still just cannot have that same level of awareness via hormones. DH is so in touch with DS, but DH does things like pulling the covers up to his neck in his sleep without knowing. Around 1 year, DS was clearly able to "defend" himself and wanted to cuddle primarily with daddy, so he does sleep between us now (which will also keep him away from baby 2). Before that, it was only next to me. If the guys would nap together they could share the bed, but not cuddle.

There is some debate on if baby sleeping next to a rail or wall is optimal. The best setup would be a mattress on the floor or something else next to the bed (like a cosleeper or sidecar) so if baby rolls there is no danger of falling or entrapment.

(From James McKenna's site)

Do you sleep sort of cradling baby, or with some distance? Do you build baby a little nest? The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding talks about the protective cuddle curl. If that works for you, great! I was not physically able to sleep on my side until DS was about 7-9 months old, so I had him next to me in the sidecar, but with my arm touching him. Now we cuddle. Some degree of touch is comforting to baby, but there isn't one right way that helps you both sleep well.

TiffanyBerry

pixieprincss:

Should baby be between my husband and me, or between me and the edge of the bed?  Just next to mom (and even better if you are BFing because of the alertness those hormones bring).

I wanted to chime in on this particular aspect.  Though it may not be popular to say in general, the best recommendation is not to actually bed share if you are not breastfeeding.  Women who are not breastfeeding do not sync up with baby in the same way and sleep more deeply than their lactating counterparts.

I don't say this to be controversial.  In fact, Dr. James McKenna, one of the leading researchers on the topic of bedsharing and mother-baby sleep, suggests that you could consider breastfeeding a requirement for bedsharing.  And he suggests that when breastfeeding isn't an option, a side-car cosleeper or crib, or crib in the same room near to mom is the better option over bedsharing.

You can see information, including interviews with him, on the Notre Dame University's website: https://cosleeping.nd.edu/ 

Glarification

Mrs.vtjaime:

 Should baby be between my husband and me, or between me and the edge of the bed? ... Do you build baby a little nest?

Wanted to reply to this specific part. I would say that the safest form is to push your bed up against the wall with the mattress on the floor and then have the baby sleep between you and the wall. If you have the mattress on the floor, it is fine not to push the bed against the wall as long as the mattress isn't so thick that rolling off may cause harm.

You can use an in bed co-sleeper, but I have no idea what you mean by a nest, in bed cosleeper is the closest thing I can think of for that though. :P

mrsV719

TiffanyBerry:

pixieprincss:

Should baby be between my husband and me, or between me and the edge of the bed?  Just next to mom (and even better if you are BFing because of the alertness those hormones bring).

I wanted to chime in on this particular aspect.  Though it may not be popular to say in general, the best recommendation is not to actually bed share if you are not breastfeeding.  Women who are not breastfeeding do not sync up with baby in the same way and sleep more deeply than their lactating counterparts.

I don't say this to be controversial.  In fact, Dr. James McKenna, one of the leading researchers on the topic of bedsharing and mother-baby sleep, suggests that you could consider breastfeeding a requirement for bedsharing.  And he suggests that when breastfeeding isn't an option, a side-car cosleeper or crib, or crib in the same room near to mom is the better option over bedsharing.

You can see information, including interviews with him, on the Notre Dame University's website: https://cosleeping.nd.edu/ 

 

I wasn't allowed to BF for medical reasons and we still bedshared... and still do. It had ZERO effect on my connection with my child in terms of syncing. He stirred, I was up. I understand that there are studies out there, but there are a bazillion studies out there for and against everything.

drpayne

Look up "magic bumpers" on amazon.com. These things are awesome. Pushing our bed against a wall wasn't an option. These act as a soft bed rail and allowed me to sleep with LO between me and the edge of the bed. I also wore long sleeved shirts that could be lifted from the bottom for nursing. I felt like having my arms covered made me less tempted to pull covers up over me.

Lindseylouwho

I have DD between me and a bedrail. We have a pillow top mattress but DD is 6 1/2 months so I don't worry about suffocation risks like I used to. If she was still tiny I would have taken it off (she sleeps on her side pretty much all night). Recently DH has slept in the other bedroom because I try to keep some distance from DD since I sleep so much better being able to spread out. She does scoot over towards me in the middle of the night and usually ends up cradled against me. I use one pillow and push it behind me so that if DD rolls over her face is against me and not the pillow. I also put her stomach in line with my head so that she can't get to the pillow. I use a light comforter and keep it below my waist. It is seriously the best thing I ever did as far as nursing goes. We both stay very relaxed and can quickly get back to sleep by bed sharing. I wish I had done it sooner!!