Sadly I have found this board.

Bayberry12

My name is Sara, and I have stayed away from the bump for almost 2 months... below is my story.

In January 2011 I found out I was pregnant.  This was my first pregnancy and my husband and I were cautiously excited.  At 8 weeks there was still no heartbeat.  We kept all of this to ourselves.  Sadly, we moved on and shortly became pregnant again.

This time everything progressed normally, but knowing that pregnancies can be lost so easily early on, we didn't tell anyone until I was almost 5 months along.  

I had a picture perfect pregnancy, no morning sickness to speak of, everything was going along perfectly.  We found out we were having a girl due to arrive April 22, 2012!  

By 36 weeks the room was ready, I had a beautiful baby shower, my hospital bag was packed and the car seat was in the car. 

At my 38 week appointment I mentioned that the movement was slowing down, and it felt different.  I was sent over the hospital for monitoring.  I was told everything was fine and that babies move less towards the end, and if she is facing my back I wont feel the kicks that much.  I believed the Dr.

One week later at my 39 week appointment we were told there was no heartbeat.  

I was sent right to the hospital to be induced and 36 hours later I gave birth to my beautiful daughter; Stella Jane one day before her due date.      

Six weeks later, some days are better than others.  While I don't spend most of my days crying anymore, I do have bad anxiety, especially when I think about leaving the house.  I cry whenever I see a family member or friend other than my husband.  And I am having trouble talking to anyone other than him.  I am having body image issues; I have all the "battle scares" of pregnancy/giving birth, but no baby to show for it. 

I am trying to accept this "new normal" but it is extremely hard to accept that this has happened, and to just go back to everyday life doesn't seem right.

I hope I can find some comfort in sharing feelings with all of you. 

jbranden12

Sara, I am so sorry for the loss of your Stella Jane. What you have described, many of us have experienced. It took me weeks to be comfortable talking to anyone other than my husband or my immediate family. I did not want to work on creating a new reality, one that does not include my beautiful daughter. The women on this board have been extremely comforting and inspirational to me and I hope we can be for you as well. ((big hugs))

JessicaRobb

I am terribly sorry that you find yourself in this new normal and the devasting loss of Stella Jane. The only words that held any truth were "this sucks." nothing that anyone can say makes it any better. Time is the best medicine. 

You are absolutely right and insightful so early into your loss to realize that this is the new normal. It is true. You are changed. Your life will be different. Take comfort in knowing that it does get easier. Allow yourself to grieve. Whatever you are feeling is normal. This site has been so helpful for me to realize that I am not alone.

The women here are fantastic and so supportive. My heart aches for you. **hugs**

I am here for you! 

mollywobbles13

JessicaRobb:

I am terribly sorry that you find yourself in this new normal and the devasting loss of Stella Jane. The only words that held any truth were "this sucks." nothing that anyone can say makes it any better. Time is the best medicine. 

You are absolutely right and insightful so early into your loss to realize that this is the new normal. It is true. You are changed. Your life will be different. Take comfort in knowing that it does get easier. Allow yourself to grieve. Whatever you are feeling is normal. This site has been so helpful for me to realize that I am not alone.

The women here are fantastic and so supportive. My heart aches for you. **hugs**

I am here for you! 

This! I don't know how many times those words came out of my mouth right after we lost Ellie. No other words could describe what was happening. I'm so sorry for your loss, please find comfort in all of us when you need it.   

 

whiteroses05

Sara,

I really hope you do find comfort here with us these ladies are wonderful and so supportive. We understand in some ways of what you are talking about. I didn't make it past 21 weeks when we lost our lo to a bladder obstruction which restricted the amount of fluid around our baby and its growth. My heart goes out to you and your H. I totally get where you are coming from when you say about how you feel about your body. I have also been dealing with that here lately with it being nicer outside. My sl told me after that I would find a sense of "normally" or a new one, but like you said it is really hard to accept this is our new life. I just want you to know how much this board had really helped all of us. It is defiantly a safe place to vent and share. {{hugs}}

MrsRiceARoni

*Siggy Warning*

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I wish I could say it gets easier, and I guess in some ways it does but I don't think the pain will ever fully go away. I can completely relate to your feelings of the scars of pregnancy. I remember my first shower after delivering Noah (I was still in the hospital), I remember when I undressed and looked at myself in the mirrior I just began sobbing. I still looked like I was pregnant and it was so heart breaking looking down at the stretch marks torn across my body and the distinct pooch in my lower stomach. I still have a hard time with my post partum body a year later, but I do cry less often. I am so sorry that you have to be here, but I'm glad you found the board for support.

cherrycobbler

I'm so sorry for your loss of little Stella Jane.  Everything you are feeling is completely normal, and if your feelings fluctuate from moment to moment-that is normal too.  I also had anxiety about leaving the house and talking to people, but with time that has gotten a little better.  I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace on this board, the women here are amazing and understanding.  Love and (hugs) to you and your family during this difficult time.

tubbsy32

Sara, I am so sorry. Your story is very similar to mine. I haven't been able to yet return to work from anxiety. My counselor says that anxiety tends to go along with our grief. I also struggle with body image right now, besides the scar, it might sound vain, but it's frustrating that clothes still don't fit quite right. I wouldn't care if my baby was here, but it's just another reminder. I wish that none of us were here, but I find great support here and I hope you do too. ((HUGS))

BootsOrHearts

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. That is just heart-breaking.

Did you ever get any information about what happened?

I hope you are able to find some comfort and kind words here. This is a safe place where we can all laugh and cry together, remember the happy things that our little ones brought us and try to look forward to better things in the future.

Just remember you are not alone!

Auki13

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl Stella Jane.  You are starting a very difficult grieving process and I just want to remind you that it takes a lot of time to get through it.  Don't try to rush yourself to "feeling better" or think that what you are feeling is not normal.  Everything you are describing is completely normal and ok.  Please be gentle with yourself and know that you need time to heal not only emotionally, but physically as well.  We are here for you and we sadly welcome you with open arms.  (((HUGE HUGS)))

johnnys june

Auki13:

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl Stella Jane.  You are starting a very difficult grieving process and I just want to remind you that it takes a lot of time to get through it.  Don't try to rush yourself to "feeling better" or think that what you are feeling is not normal.  Everything you are describing is completely normal and ok.  Please be gentle with yourself and know that you need time to heal not only emotionally, but physically as well.  We are here for you and we sadly welcome you with open arms.  (((HUGE HUGS)))

This exactly.  

I am sorry for your loss.  What a beautiful name for your daughter!  *hugs*   

LoveOfMikesLife

**** SIGGY warning*****

Hi Sara,

 I read this last night and it just hit so close to home for me that it took my breath away and has taken me awhile to find the words to say.

It sucks, plain and simple! There's no other way to describe it. It sucks and it's not fair. All I can say is take it day by day. Even if you wanted to "go back to normal" it never will. You will always have this pain that never goes away. You will always be different from other mothers, maybe not to them but you will see a difference. Things that you would never think of will trigger tears from you. The pain never lessens but it does become more manageable. It may not seem like it but it does.

 

Mile stones will always be hard. Each and every one of them! Those don't get easier. For me at least, I've noticed that the days leading up to the milestones are worse than the actual day itself. ( I'll let you know if that stands true for the 1st birthday. My daughters will be Thursday)

 

I didn't leave my house for 8 weeks. I still cry when I see certain family members. And there are still days where I cry just because I miss her so much and it's not fair and I want her here with me. The shoes we now walk in aren't fun ones

 The only real advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself. Don't force anything or let anyone force you into something your not ready for. Each day that you get up is an accomplishment. Remember that! Talk about her if it helps you. If it makes other people uncomfortable, FLUCK them. You have to deal with this every second of every day, they don't get to choose your comfort zone. 

 

And if you need someone to talk to that knows what your going through PLEASE feel free to page me.  I can share my story with you and my struggles so that you don't feel so alone or I can just be a friend to talk/ cry to. What ever you need. 

Im sorry for your loss and remember Stella loves you with everything she has!  

krysiahamaty

I am so sorry for your loss. How you are feeling is all too familiar. I hate that you found this board but I hope you find some comfort and support here. Hugs.

foxxy1

Sara,

 I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Stella Jane. Please know you can be safe here and you're among friends. You can be yourself and there is no judgment here.  

Bayberry12

Thank you all for the support.  I breaks my heart that so many woman have been through this and can relate to my story.  No one should every have to endure this kind of pain.

I constantly think about when I was holding her and her little face and hands and her closed eyes that would never open.  One of the hardest moments was walking out of the hospital with my husband and a memory box.  It is still so fresh in my mind.

 We did opt to have an autopsy preformed, and we received the results last week at my postpartum appointment.  She had no defects or abnormalities, her organs were developed normally.  No infections or anything that could determine the cause.  This information breaks my heart even more because she was perfectly normal, and should have lived.

 In my heart I believe that this could have been prevented if my Dr. had instructed me to do kick counts and keep a record.  All I was ever told was that "10 kicks in 2 hours is normal".  I was so close to the end and any change in patterns would have made me take notice that something was different.  I know I can't change things or dwell on the "what if's" but I expected everything to go smoothly and it didn't.  

 At this point some days are better than others, but no days are good.  Yesterday was hard on me because my husband and I went out clothes shopping for some up coming weddings.  I don't know what size I am now, so I took a larger size dress into the dressing room and it didn't fit.  I got the next size up and that one still didn't fit.  Just another reminder of this unbelievable nightmare, and that I am a completely different person now, and I wish I wasn't. 

   

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Stella Jane.  Your story sounds so much like mine.  I hate to welcome you to the board, but I hope you can find support here. 

weddedwife

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Stella Jane. What a beautiful name you chose for your daughter!

A husband from my support group summed it up well. It's not eloquent, but it's true: "It's a sh*t sandwich". Every new thing you have to do just sucks. Whether it's going to the grocery store, seeing each friend or acquaintance for the 1st time after, returning to work, etc. It's a sh*t sandwich and you have to take a bite.

You don't ever "move on" from this, but you can move forward. It takes time, and YOU decide the time frame, no one else. People may not understand, but they don't have to walk in your shoes, do they??

I hope you find some support here. I don't know what I would've done in the weeks & months after my loss without this board.

Bayberry12

weddedwife:

A husband from my support group summed it up well. It's not eloquent, but it's true: "It's a sh*t sandwich". Every new thing you have to do just sucks. Whether it's going to the grocery store, seeing each friend or acquaintance for the 1st time after, returning to work, etc. It's a sh*t sandwich and you have to take a bite.

Aww this made me lol a little, sounds like something my friend would say.  That really does sum it up. 

nuttycoconut

I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss of baby Stella. I had many of the feelings you have about leaving the house, talking to people, getting back to everyday life, etc. I had terrible anxiety and had to go on medication for a few weeks after returning to work. It took a while before I could have normal conversations without feeling like everything was so fake and awkward. Sending you hugs and strength to get through this incredibly difficult time! I am glad you found this board.