trouble "trying" to conceive

OSUellejay

this is going to be long & probably TMI, but i just have to get this off my chest.  i really have no one else to talk about this with & i'm hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice.  i've been off BC since right after we got married almost 2 years ago & just recently we started "trying" to conceive.  i use the quotes because what needs to happen in order for a baby to happen is not happening so we're technically not trying. 

maybe i should back up...DH was very paranoid about me getting accidentally pregnant when we first got married because we weren't as financially stable as we would like to be.  i totally understood his need to get his ducks in a row, but i voiced my concern that at 33, my fertility would continue to decline every year & we had no way of knowing how long it would take for us to get pregnant.  we both agreed to wait a year & re-visit the topic then.  in the meantime, i went off the pill because i wanted to make sure it wouldn't be an obstacle once we were ready to start trying.  so our method of birth control became him not....finishing (his idea, not mine).  

fast forward to a year later (which was this past january)...we're still at the same jobs, but i've gotten a promotion/raise & we have a plan in place.  i'll be getting my degree this month & once i'm finished, he wants to get his real estate license.  so even though we're not where we'd like to be, we have a plan.  even at our current state, we own a house, pay our bills, and could definitely make it work with some frugality.  he assured me he felt more comfortable & we decide to start trying.

here's the problem...he is still unable to....finish.  the first month i charted & used OPKs only to be disappointed every time we had sex.  the second month i just tried to let it happen so that it wouldn't stress him out.  still didn't work.  month 3 i had a breakdown....we decided that we would take a break for a month or 2 so that he could try to work through things without added pressure.  we're at month 5 now & i am at the end of my rope.  i know it's not physical b/c he's able to finish on his own so it has to be mental.  i've asked him if he really wants to/is ready to have a baby & he assures me he is.  i've suggested that he go talk to someone & that i would be willing to go as well.  he's open to it, but i don't even know how to go about figuring out who we should talk to.  

i guess what i'm hoping is that maybe this happened to one of you or can offer me some advice as to what you think i should do.  thanks in advance, ladies!

rrdiva1

I have no advice in this area, as I have not personally gone through it. There are a lot of bumpies that have experienced this at some point or another, and I am sure they have some great pointers.

I just wanted to offer support, and sending positive vibes that it can be worked out. Maybe he needs to talk to a "professional" about what might be going on. Ie: if he is stressed etc. Best of luck to you, stay encouraged, and try not to blame yourself!!!!

purplepeanut6

I have not had any experience with this, but I would suggest talking to a urologist? If you think it's physiological (since he can finish while masturbating) maybe speak to a psychologist or sex therapist? Not really sure. Maybe ease into it. Like finish him with ur hand or let him get to the point where he is almost going to finish and then let him finish inside you and get used to it. It's been a year since he finished inside u, he might need to ease back into it. GL! Hope is works out! 

alehayes

Even though my H wanted to TTC first, he had some trouble keeping it up when we first started trying.  He was putting a lot of pressure on himself to get me pregnant, and it was messing with his head; he had to have an orchiectomy as a child, and it really freaked him out that he might not be able to get me pregnant (he was worried over nothing...I'm the problem in that area).  He got over it eventually, but he just needed some time to deal with his feelings.

pianofanatic

Like a PP said, maybe easing into it would be good.  Also, what if you were on top?  It may not be the "ideal" position, but it might help get the job done. 

SadieTop

Im sorry this has been so tough for you both, like we need another reasont o make TTC more frustrating ya know?  When we got married I went off BCP as well.  We decided to just kinda see what happended but I was so ready to get the show on the road.  MY DH was nervous and "pulled out" for the first few months.  I got frustrated with this because I wanted to get pregnant or atleast "see what happens" like we had discussed.

Even though my situation is not exactly the same, I think men have some emotional stress or anxiety about it.  Hopefully some time will help and he will get used to the idea.  Trying to get Pregnant is such am unfamilar thing when you first start out.  After a year we are so used to it but it is scary in the beginning.  I hope he comes around.  Good luck and in the mean time try to be supportive and maybe try to take his mind off TTC but rather FUN stuff in the bed room 

megemoney

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this. 

Normally I would say start by talking to him, but it seems you have.  I am glad to hear that he is open to speaking to someone.  I strongly support your decision to do it together.  

Not suggesting that you need a marriage counselor, but I think that you would benefit from seeing someone along those lines.  Talk about everything that is going on in your relationship and find out where you are and are not on the same page.  I think that you would be able to come to an understanding of all the underlying issues.  

I really hope that you get things worked out!  

xxrockstarswifexx

Wow I'm not sure what to say. I'm sorry tough. When you were on the pill, could he finish inside you then? Has the issue only started since you were off the pill? Is he sure that he really does want to TTC or risk getting PG, or is he just saying that to not let you down and keep his word? (I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, but I don't know him, and for some people it's possible...) I agree with gently suggesting he talk to someone. Just make sure he doesn't feel inadequate because he can't finish. A bruised ego won't help. He needs to see your unconditional love and also sexual satisfaction outside of disappointment over TTC issues. 

rogueannamarie

Buttmonkey34:

MH also is able to finish on his own, so we just do our thing and have fun, but when it's time for him to finish, he does so in a plastic specimen cup, and we use the syringe method.  Obviously I spoke with my doctor before attempting this, and also did some research.  I am on month 4, but I have read success stories.  The important part is to keep it fun and exciting, and not so clinical.  It can be stressful at times, but we're like pros now lol.  We plan on seeing a RE after 6 months, at the suggestion of my OB.

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

kleigh926

rogueannamarie:

Buttmonkey34:

MH also is able to finish on his own, so we just do our thing and have fun, but when it's time for him to finish, he does so in a plastic specimen cup, and we use the syringe method.  Obviously I spoke with my doctor before attempting this, and also did some research.  I am on month 4, but I have read success stories.  The important part is to keep it fun and exciting, and not so clinical.  It can be stressful at times, but we're like pros now lol.  We plan on seeing a RE after 6 months, at the suggestion of my OB.

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

IUI = intrauterine insemination. Unless she's sticking the syringe up through her cervix into her uterus, what she is doing is not IUI. 

ah625

rogueannamarie:

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

You are dense. That is not IUI. Squirting his ejaculate into your vagina with a syringe is not the same as having a tube placed into your uterus and having washed sperm placed inside.

 

How about you take your trolling to another board. 

censoredinpajamas

Buttmonkey34:

MH also is able to finish on his own, so we just do our thing and have fun, but when it's time for him to finish, he does so in a plastic specimen cup, and we use the syringe method.  Obviously I spoke with my doctor before attempting this, and also did some research.  I am on month 4, but I have read success stories.  The important part is to keep it fun and exciting, and not so clinical.  It can be stressful at times, but we're like pros now lol.  We plan on seeing a RE after 6 months, at the suggestion of my OB.

 

WHAT

rogueannamarie

kleigh926:

IUI = intrauterine insemination. Unless she's sticking the syringe up through her cervix into her uterus, what she is doing is not IUI. 

 

ah625:

rogueannamarie:

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

You are dense. That is not IUI. Squirting his ejaculate into your vagina with a syringe is not the same as having a tube placed into your uterus and having washed sperm placed inside.

 

How about you take your trolling to another board. 

 

FTR... I know what an IUI is.  I've been around the block.  She is still sticking a syringe into her vagina to inseminate herself.

Would you rather I refer to it as "basting" herself?  I can do that.

Oh, and no thank you.  I like it here. 

purplepeanut6

ah625:

rogueannamarie:

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

You are dense. That is not IUI. Squirting his ejaculate into your vagina with a syringe is not the same as having a tube placed into your uterus and having washed sperm placed inside.

 

How about you take your trolling to another board. 

like! (would put a "thumbs up" if I knew how) 

rogueannamarie

purplepeanut6:

like! (would put a "thumbs up" if I knew how) 

Don't get me started on you.  You aired your husband's ED problem with a bunch of strangers. 

kleigh926

rogueannamarie:

kleigh926:

IUI = intrauterine insemination. Unless she's sticking the syringe up through her cervix into her uterus, what she is doing is not IUI. 

 

ah625:

rogueannamarie:

So you do at home IUIs?  Smart! 

You are dense. That is not IUI. Squirting his ejaculate into your vagina with a syringe is not the same as having a tube placed into your uterus and having washed sperm placed inside.

 

How about you take your trolling to another board. 

 

FTR... I know what an IUI is.  I've been around the block.  She is still sticking a syringe into her vagina to inseminate herself.

Would you rather I refer to it as "basting" herself?  I can do that.

Oh, and no thank you.  I like it here. 

Yes, actually I would prefer the term basting. At least then it would be more accurate.  

rogueannamarie

kleigh926:

Yes, actually I would prefer the term basting. At least then it would be more accurate.  

OK. 

buttmonkey - I think that you should find a new doctor.  You should never trust a doctor that tells you it is ok to turkey baste yourself!  Or to be even more accurate, to inseminate yourself with your husbands unwashed ejaculate in a probably non-sterile (no matter how many times you wash it out) syringe. 

KTHX

synchrosally

My H has performance anxiety but only when he knows the timing is right. He can finish at other times in the month but not when it counts. I started to have to lie to him about when I was ovulating and it worked like a charm. It sounds like you've already done this so maybe it would be wise to see a urologist or sex therapist. I'm sorry you have to experience this, I know how frustrating it can be.

saintpaulJess

Ladies, intravaginal insemination is a real thing.  And a clean syringe in your vagina is not much different than a penis.  It's not a health risk and people can get pregnant that way.

weansworld09

Buttmonkey34:

rogueannamarie:

kleigh926:

Yes, actually I would prefer the term basting. At least then it would be more accurate.  

OK. 

buttmonkey - I think that you should find a new doctor.  You should never trust a doctor that tells you it is ok to turkey baste yourself!  Or to be even more accurate, to inseminate yourself with your husbands unwashed ejaculate in a probably non-sterile (no matter how many times you wash it out) syringe. 

KTHX

1.) IUI = Uterus

2.) ICI = Cervix and washed sperm is required.  Also a catheter.

3.) Syringe method (or turkey baster, and I hate that term) is using a 4 inch baby medicine syringe immediately after ejaculation (washed NOT required).  New sterile devices are used each time.   

4.) Educate yourself - lesbians use this method daily.  As well as single women who choose artificial insemination with a known donor.

5.) My doc is just fine.  We'd rather do it as "natural" as possible before spending the $$ on IUI.

I think I know a little more than you do on this subject.  As PP said, take your trolling BS somewhere else.  We are all trying to help OP. 

And again, I repeat, I don't suggest anyone do what I do unless you've explored all resources and speak to a medical professional.

Luvs BM!  

 OP - I do not have any background on this, but I wanted to say hello and I hope you are able to figure things out soon.  

rogueannamarie

Buttmonkey34:

1.) IUI = Uterus

2.) ICI = Cervix and washed sperm is required.  Also a catheter.

3.) Syringe method (or turkey baster, and I hate that term) is using a 4 inch baby medicine syringe immediately after ejaculation (washed NOT required).  New sterile devices are used each time.   

4.) Educate yourself - lesbians use this method daily.  As well as single women who choose artificial insemination with a known donor.

5.) My doc is just fine.  We'd rather do it as "natural" as possible before spending the $$ on IUI.

I think I know a little more than you do on this subject.  As PP said, take your trolling BS somewhere else.  We are all trying to help OP. 

And again, I repeat, I don't suggest anyone do what I do unless you've explored all resources and speak to a medical professional.

1. I know what an IUI is.

2. I know what an ICI is also.

3, 4, and 5.  I still believe this stuff should be done in a clinic with a doctor.  Just my opinion.  Just like it's yours to do it at home.  

Yes, you do know more about this than I do.  My DH doesn't ejac in a cup. 

rogueannamarie

CLECyclist:

 

These are trolls...

*points to avatar and siggy* I'z not troll... 

badrianne

purplepeanut6:

let him get to the point where he is almost going to finish and then let him finish inside you and get used to it. It's been a year since he finished inside u, he might need to ease back into it. GL! Hope is works out! 

This. 

Finishing with a hand feels different then intercourse. He may be using a twisting motion or some kind of friction your body can't duplicate. I've thought this through because my husband and I used the "pull out method" for birth control prior to TTC. Play around w/ it and you always have the intravaginal insemination (per PP) as backup. 

Good luck. 

MissLadyTay

saintpaulJess:

Ladies, intravaginal insemination is a real thing.  And a clean syringe in your vagina is not much different than a penis.  It's not a health risk and people can get pregnant that way.

This. I know a lesbian couple who got pregnant doing at home insemination.

rogueannamarie

Buttmonkey34:

Your DH most likely doesn't fwck you as good as mine does either...he knows what he's doing and is not a 2 pump chump.  KTHX BYE.

Your DH doesn't hump me. I don't know why you think he does.  

Dancer345667

OSUellejay, I am so sorry and I hope you get the advice and answers you need. Ladies, I don't know what a "fail troll" is, but we are here to support each other. Let's focus on staying positive and helping one another. If not, then why are we here?

katherinebos@hotmail.com

Have you asked him to not masturbate? If he builds up a supply, he might be more likely to release with you when the time comes.

OSUellejay

i can't thank you ladies enough for all of the support and advice.  to answer some of your questions, yes, he has finished inside me before so i don't think that's it.  and he's assured me that the frequency of masturbation is not the problem either. honestly i think he probably got used to preventing himself from finishing and, at first, was probably a little freaked out by taking this next step. we've definitely had the candid conversation about whether he's actually ready or not and he assures me he is.  i've definitely seen a change in him over over the last year or so...he's noticing and even smiling at babies and kids so i have no reason to believe him.  i'm sure the stress over not being able to finish has exacerbating things at this point and he probably feels like he's disappointing me by not being able to finish and that's where this is all stemming from.  thanks to your suggestions, we at least now have some options to explore as far as professional help.

this whole experience is so scary and stressful and i can't tell you how comforted i am by the kind words you all had for me.  even though not everyone is going through the same exact struggles, it's nice to know that i'm not alone.  i know we're just starting out and so many of you have been through so much more, but TTC is so much easier when you have supportive ladies like yourselves so thank you!

NicoleRich105

OSUellejay:

this is going to be long & probably TMI, but i just have to get this off my chest.  i really have no one else to talk about this with & i'm hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice.  i've been off BC since right after we got married almost 2 years ago & just recently we started "trying" to conceive.  i use the quotes because what needs to happen in order for a baby to happen is not happening so we're technically not trying. 

maybe i should back up...DH was very paranoid about me getting accidentally pregnant when we first got married because we weren't as financially stable as we would like to be.  i totally understood his need to get his ducks in a row, but i voiced my concern that at 33, my fertility would continue to decline every year & we had no way of knowing how long it would take for us to get pregnant.  we both agreed to wait a year & re-visit the topic then.  in the meantime, i went off the pill because i wanted to make sure it wouldn't be an obstacle once we were ready to start trying.  so our method of birth control became him not....finishing (his idea, not mine).  

fast forward to a year later (which was this past january)...we're still at the same jobs, but i've gotten a promotion/raise & we have a plan in place.  i'll be getting my degree this month & once i'm finished, he wants to get his real estate license.  so even though we're not where we'd like to be, we have a plan.  even at our current state, we own a house, pay our bills, and could definitely make it work with some frugality.  he assured me he felt more comfortable & we decide to start trying.

here's the problem...he is still unable to....finish.  the first month i charted & used OPKs only to be disappointed every time we had sex.  the second month i just tried to let it happen so that it wouldn't stress him out.  still didn't work.  month 3 i had a breakdown....we decided that we would take a break for a month or 2 so that he could try to work through things without added pressure.  we're at month 5 now & i am at the end of my rope.  i know it's not physical b/c he's able to finish on his own so it has to be mental.  i've asked him if he really wants to/is ready to have a baby & he assures me he is.  i've suggested that he go talk to someone & that i would be willing to go as well.  he's open to it, but i don't even know how to go about figuring out who we should talk to.  

i guess what i'm hoping is that maybe this happened to one of you or can offer me some advice as to what you think i should do.  thanks in advance, ladies!

 

I know the OP is a few months old, but FWIW, my fiance has whats called Delayed Ejaculation- has always had it. He is unable to finish during intercourse, but can through oral and on his own (sorry if that's TMI). We will be using the syringe method to start out with- we going to TTC this September. He is seeing a urologist who gives him a shot every couple months as well as presribed him Clomid (due to his low testosterone and sperm count/motility). I am younger than him- I am 25 and he is 44- so we are hoping that maybe our ages will "balance" things out and we can conceive quickly ;-) 
Seriously though, if the problem persists, I would recommend him seeing his doctor or a urologist.