Has IF taught you anything about your friends?

AmCheri

Have you lost any friends? Grown apart from people you thought really cared about you? Have others surprised you with their support?  Or have you made new friends?  

This process is telling us a lot about people we've always considered friends. I must confess that for the most part, the support we'd hoped for simply isn't there. A "friend" actually laughed at me as I described how we'll choose a donor.  We spent a weekend with that friend and her husband and that time together only underscored how things have changed between us.

Happily, we've grown much closer to a special couple.

It's just interesting what IF reveals.  

BeeBee08

It has definitely taught me how much people just don't know about IF. 

I told my know-it-all friend who had just gone through a sex-ed teaching course that I could still out-sex-ed her and she laughed at me saying how much she learned in that course.  I just looked at her and said "no really, I still know more than you" and I felt like a five year old but it felt so good!

I have made a lot of new friends and I couldn't make it through this without those people.

winofairy

We aren't close with anyone IRL but my MIL.  It does get lonely at times with it being just us.  Thankfully we really enjoy each other's company

Edwina.McDunnough

I have a tendency to crawl into my cave, so in many ways I have not been a great friend, or at least I'm not a particularly fun person. Most of my close friends are fantastic, and we have seen each other through all sorts of us and downs so it's no surprise that they have been understanding and supportive even though they have no IF experience. We also live a super crazy lifestyle where we all generally get swept away in work, or personal pursuits, etc, so it's not uncommon for us to have big gaps in our socializing but still remain very close. Is this a NYC thing?

Oddly, some of the worst people I've talked to have been acquaintances that have had IF issues. And successes. And are total turds about it.

As for new friends, I cannot express how fortunate I have been to have new people in my life that I truly believe go beyond the IF experience.

Mrs.McIrish

I have two close friends who are 40/41 and don't have any kids by choice. They have been the best through the treatments which was surprising to me since you might think they'd roll their eyes since they didn't want any. But that wasn' t the case at all.

Another close friend offered me her eggs.

But one friend, despite knowing my issue, keeps telling me how her H needs to get a vasectomy since they are so fertile and she'd kill herself if she got KU'd again.  Common sense would suggest that she should know her audience and not feel the need to share these comments with me. But she does it again and again.

But I have cut out others who I can't deal with since they have small kids etc. It's just easier for me to not socialize with them. It's me--not them but I am protecting myself from more stupid comments that are bound to be said.

lynn0926

I have not met new friends as a result of IF, unless I count you girls ??. I have become closer to one of my friends because we are the only ones who understand eachother when it comes to IF. I have always been close with my sister and we are even closer now. She is mid adoption with Russia right now. I would have to say that my best friend from high school was the least understanding when we were TTC. I just knew I had a problem and she would piss me off with her comments. She got KU 3 times first try, so she has no clue what it feels like. I do feel like she is now very supporitive. My other friends are very supporitive of the path we have taken.

reb259

I say all the time the silver lining of IF is the friends I have made.  I am really not sure how or where I would be if I thought I was the only one feeling the way I feel at times.  I really cherish these relationships.

For the first time in my life I really feel like an outsider when it comes to real life.  No one really understands so they end up just feeling sorry for you.  I have a few that I can totally count on and that is wonderful.  I said in a previous post that as a person I have changed in many ways and not always for the best.  I am trying to remember the world does not revolve around me and my IF, but is sure is hard.

rockpaperlove

Sorry to hear about the disappointment in a friend you were once close with.  I know that feeling and it is a let down to not have the support and understanding you well deserve.  Hugs.

There are a few select people that have been wonderfully supportive, but for the most part...there have been many telling moments of people I thought would be greatly supportive, but not.  Overall, I am grateful for the new people in my life that I have met and become close with through the difficult journey of IF.  With a glass half full attitude in mind...there is that sad possibility that we may not get our take home baby after all we have been through, but I do get a lot of great take home friends at the end of the day and for that I am blessed! 

Aegis2005

I think I went into our IF diagnosis with little expectations from friends and family.  I've been pleasantly surprised by a few people. 

There are been a few people who have unintentionally said hurtful things, but I can't really blame them.  When I was clueless about IF I probably would have said similar things. 

I have met some wonderful woman on the boards, both IRL and just through the cyberworld.  The support on the boards has been so amazing, and I've valued the opinion of someone who's been there.

BAKERMOMHDS

This may sound harsh, but IF has taught me : The only person you can really honestly count on, is yourself.

The majority of my friends are wrapped up in their own lives, all but one of them has children. The one that does not have children, has been through infertility and keeps telling me "it's God's choice".  That does not sit well with me.  She'll always make comments like "i'm praying for you".  But when I hit big milestone days such as starting stims, or ER or ET, she'll call and ask stupid things like "Can you run a 5K with me?" or on ER day "Let's go have Chipotle for dinner!". REALLY?!?!?!? I could barely walk and am just starting to feel slight relief from the pain!! I DON"T WANT CHIPOTLE!!! (vent over).  Generally, I only hear from her when she needs / wants something that will benefit her...

I chose not to share this journey with most of our friends, that appears to be the right decision for us.  The few that are aware of our struggles, have not been very supportive.

I think IF reveals the true person in all of us, including our friends.  It has changed my life 

 

naybird

IF has definatley taught me who my true friends and supporters are.  I'm the kind of person that if someone doesn't treat me well, or isn't a true friend, I have no problem cutting them out of my life.  And going through IF has made me do that.

I have made a couple of really great IRL IF friends as well.  

AmCheri

Thank you so much for all of your comments.  Many of your experiences ring very true for me.  I'm so glad many of you were able to report positive experiences.  It's nice when people you love rise to the occasion and I think it's even better when people surprise you.  I wish we felt that we could let our guard down.  Maybe I'd have a better experience to report.  

vanessagorc

In a nutshell.  I learned some people are really only fair weather friends.  And others surprised me, how much they could care and be supportive over something they didn't even really understand. I call them real friends. 

 And now I have the friends I actually made thru IF...to quote reb, the one silver lining.  

AmCheri

Edwina.McDunnough:

We also live a super crazy lifestyle where we all generally get swept away in work, or personal pursuits, etc, so it's not uncommon for us to have big gaps in our socializing but still remain very close. Is this a NYC thing?

Oddly, some of the worst people I've talked to have been acquaintances that have had IF issues. And successes. And are total turds about it.

Could not agree more with your turd assessment.  The worst person I know is a mother of triplets via IVF. Nasty woman.  

As for the former comment, I think that's true for us, too.  It's become more the norm as we've gotten older for the simple fact that we all move in so many different directions.   

AmCheri

BeeBee08:

I told my know-it-all friend who had just gone through a sex-ed teaching course that I could still out-sex-ed her and she laughed at me saying how much she learned in that course.  I just looked at her and said "no really, I still know more than you" and I felt like a five year old but it felt so good!

Haha. I love this B!  Take pleasure in the little things. They can be tremendously satisfying.  

AmCheri

Mrs.McIrish:

It's me--not them but I am protecting myself from more stupid comments that are bound to be said.

McIrish, I can relate to this 100%.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being too sensitive.  Then I realize that the comments really are stupid, and we have a right to be annoyed by them.  I'd rather keep some distance.  The alternative is walking around pissed all of the time.   

AmCheri

winofairy:

We aren't close with anyone IRL but my MIL.  It does get lonely at times with it being just us.  Thankfully we really enjoy each other's company

Two peas in a pod, right?  Thank heavens for that.  I feel the same.  

AmCheri

lynn0926:

I have always been close with my sister and we are even closer now. She is mid adoption with Russia right now.

Lynn, I love that this has brought you closer to you sister.   My sister is dear to my heart and I understand how special that relationship can be.   

AmCheri

reb259:

  I said in a previous post that as a person I have changed in many ways and not always for the best.  I am trying to remember the world does not revolve around me and my IF, but is sure is hard.

Reb, I totally get this.  I think I read your earlier post but didn't get a chance to respond, but your comments resonated in a big way. I feel incredibly self-absorbed at times, but it's virtually impossible to step outside of this world we're living in.  I think it's normal, and you should cut yourself a ton of slack.  

AmCheri

rockpaperlove:

There are a few select people that have been wonderfully supportive, but for the most part...there have been many telling moments of people I thought would be greatly supportive, but not.  Overall, I am grateful for the new people in my life that I have met and become close with through the difficult journey of IF.  With a glass half full attitude in mind...there is that sad possibility that we may not get our take home baby after all we have been through, but I do get a lot of great take home friends at the end of the day and for that I am blessed! 

RPL, I feel the same way!  What a nice sentiment about your new friends.  I don't subscribe to the things-happen-for-a-reason philosophy, but still, your new friends are a gift.  

AmCheri

Aegis2005:

I have met some wonderful woman on the boards, both IRL and just through the cyberworld.  The support on the boards has been so amazing, and I've valued the opinion of someone who's been there.

So true! The women here have the power to make the difference between a bad day and a good day for others.  It's an incredible support system.   

AmCheri

BAKERMOMHDS:

I chose not to share this journey with most of our friends, that appears to be the right decision for us.  The few that are aware of our struggles, have not been very supportive.

I think IF reveals the true person in all of us, including our friends.  It has changed my life 

 

This has been our approach, too.  When you've been disappointed, it's hard to put yourself back out there.  I hope you're getting good support from your husband.  You need it!  Because we've been so insular, I've found therapy very helpful.  If you're not already seeing someone, it might be something to consider.  Hugs.  

AmCheri

naybird:

I'm the kind of person that if someone doesn't treat me well, or isn't a true friend, I have no problem cutting them out of my life.  And going through IF has made me do that.

I have made a couple of really great IRL IF friends as well.  

Naybird, I'm the same way.  It's good though.  Life's too short to put up with toxic people.  I'm glad you've made some new and good friends through this.   

AmCheri

bellalou32:

I made a lot of new friends.  Especially after I posted on fb during IF week.  Ppl were coming out of the woodwork emailing me that they were having problems, as well.  I just got a random message last week from a girl I haven't seen since 03 and she said she's been working up the courage to email me since IF week.  Very touching.  

The potential beauty of openness!  Glad you've had that experience.   

AmCheri

vanessagorc:

In a nutshell.  I learned some people are really only fair weather friends.  And others surprised me, how much they could care and be supportive over something they didn't even really understand. I call them real friends. 

 And now I have the friends I actually made thru IF...to quote reb, the one silver lining.  

V, it's definitely a learning experience.  I'm glad there's been a silver lining for you.  Other than new or stronger relationships, I'm not sure about any other redeeming factors.   

vanessagorc

AmCheri:

vanessagorc:

In a nutshell.  I learned some people are really only fair weather friends.  And others surprised me, how much they could care and be supportive over something they didn't even really understand. I call them real friends. 

 And now I have the friends I actually made thru IF...to quote reb, the one silver lining.  

V, it's definitely a learning experience.  I'm glad there's been a silver lining for you.  Other than new or stronger relationships, I'm not sure about any other redeeming factors.   

honestly I can only think of one other redeeming factor.  If ur lucky enough to come out the other end w a baby (praying everyone does) I don't think I'll ever take the baby or pregnancy for granted.  I'm not sure that would have been the Dave for me, had I not gone thru all of this.  Not that I wish it on any of us, but I feel I have a different perspective than I would have, if a pregnancy came easy to me. 

AmCheri

vanessagorc:

AmCheri:

vanessagorc:

In a nutshell.  I learned some people are really only fair weather friends.  And others surprised me, how much they could care and be supportive over something they didn't even really understand. I call them real friends. 

 And now I have the friends I actually made thru IF...to quote reb, the one silver lining.  

V, it's definitely a learning experience.  I'm glad there's been a silver lining for you.  Other than new or stronger relationships, I'm not sure about any other redeeming factors.   

honestly I can only think of one other redeeming factor.  If ur lucky enough to come out the other end w a baby (praying everyone does) I don't think I'll ever take the baby or pregnancy for granted.  I'm not sure that would have been the Dave for me, had I not gone thru all of this.  Not that I wish it on any of us, but I feel I have a different perspective than I would have, if a pregnancy came easy to me. 

I doubt any woman who got pregnant easily ever said to herself, "Today I'm pregnant, and I love my baby." There'll be no taking the pregnancy or the baby for granted here either.  Even if we do get pregnant, it sucks that an idyllic kind of pregnancy is well beyond our reach.  I'm ok with appreciating every day though.   

katib77

My three closest best friends continue to surprise me on how awesome they are in their kindness and support.  Same with my SIL (Husband's brother, not my brothers wife who just tells me stupid suggestions because since she always got PG in three months she thinks she knows the "secrets").  

I have not lost any friends, but defriended a few people on FB because of their daily PG posts.  But those are people I have not seen in person in over 15 years.  

And I have gained some great e-friends from this site that I FB chat with, have met in person, blog-stalk, etc.  

vanessagorc

AmCheri:

vanessagorc:

AmCheri:

vanessagorc:

In a nutshell.  I learned some people are really only fair weather friends.  And others surprised me, how much they could care and be supportive over something they didn't even really understand. I call them real friends. 

 And now I have the friends I actually made thru IF...to quote reb, the one silver lining.  

V, it's definitely a learning experience.  I'm glad there's been a silver lining for you.  Other than new or stronger relationships, I'm not sure about any other redeeming factors.   

honestly I can only think of one other redeeming factor.  If ur lucky enough to come out the other end w a baby (praying everyone does) I don't think I'll ever take the baby or pregnancy for granted.  I'm not sure that would have been the Dave for me, had I not gone thru all of this.  Not that I wish it on any of us, but I feel I have a different perspective than I would have, if a pregnancy came easy to me. 

I doubt any woman who got pregnant easily ever said to herself, "Today I'm pregnant, and I love my baby." There'll be no taking the pregnancy or the baby for granted here either.  Even if we do get pregnant, it sucks that an idyllic kind of pregnancy is well beyond our reach.  I'm ok with appreciating every day though.   

yeah, i'm pretty sure that mantra is reserved for us lol.  I am very fortunate, and am having a great pregnancy.  I have been able to relax, and feel almost
"normal".  Sadly, a lot of us IF-ers are also plagued with difficult pregnancies....which is just so unfair IMO.

Roxie5739

Disappointingly I am alone when it comes to my friends and even one of my sisters. They do not get it, yet due to comments when I started TTC late in life and further comments with my 2 ectopics we have not told anyone about my IVF. Even a friend that went through IVF Said some very odd things to me. This one was the most hurtful as I thought of all people she would get it.

I have struggled with this journey with no one to speak to, but come to grips with it now. My Mum is here now visiting and I am keeping it quiet still even though I will have to jump through hoops next week to do my FET when she is here.

As a great Australian in history once said.... " such is life". I am a big girl and I can do this alone for the time being. 

DeputiesWife

This process has taught me a lot about my friends, family, myself and my husband.

It has brought me closer to him and much closer to some friends. It has also driven me away from others.

Like BeeBee, I am amazed at how much people dont know and I am happy to educate.

Some friends have really surprised me with their love and support and I am so very grateful for that. The ones I lost, yes, I am sad, but it is very true (in my experience) that true friends shine through in the darkest of times. 

mm29

AmCheri:

lynn0926:

I have always been close with my sister and we are even closer now. She is mid adoption with Russia right now.

Lynn, I love that this has brought you closer to you sister.   My sister is dear to my heart and I understand how special that relationship can be.   

I am late in the conversation.  

I wish I could say IF has brought me closer to my sister, but it has only pulled us apart.  My sister is not IF and does not "get it"  She brings up when she wants to try again for another baby.  Tells me to relax, etc.  It makes me sad to think about it!