Found this post on loss in ivf

Denae'sTTC

Processing a failed IVF, emotional impactNovember 20th, 2008 ? Related ? Filed UnderForgive me if I linger a little longer on the failed IVF topic, but some things deserve more than a fleeting glance and a quick swoop under the carpet.I remember, not too long ago when my first IVF failed how I looked for comfort, days after the result came in.  I googled ?processing a failed IVF?, ?emotional impact of failed IVF?, ?depression and failed IVF?, I didn?t find much apart from a few boring scholarly articles which basically all conclude that yes, IVF failure often leads to depression.  Wham bam, thank you mam.  I am now officially at higher risk for substance abuse and other such undesirable conditions.  Yea, yipee, yea, yipee do da day!  To be hounest, I probably am a high risk alcoholic, but I can?t stand hangovers, not even teeny weenie ones, they irritate me to such an extent that I probably will never end up in rehab.  How unfortunate.Anyways, back to dealing with the pits of depression after a failed IVF.  It goes like this?after surviving two weeks of stabbing yourself almost daily with FSH, a lot of calculated poking at your insides and enduring another 2 weeks of medication that induce symptoms uncannily similar to early pregnancy, your dream world crumbles into a little pile of dust when THE phone call arrives.  From that moment onwards you walk around with a feeling of emotional nausea, like something is stuck inside you, the dark black placenta of hope ripping away from your heart and choking your lungs.  This choking feeling hangs around for a few days.  Not to worry, this is completely normal and one of the side-effects very few people will tell you about.  But here it is.  You will walk around for a few days wishing you could cough a deep cough and let this suffocating thing out, but you can?t.  This thing has a timetable all of its own and you are the puppet on its strings until it decides to let go.  The good news, it has a limited shelf life and will eventually subside.  One morning you will wake up and suddenly feel lighter and able to breathe more freely, the memory of those times, however remain like a permanent scar and you remember those feelings with crystal clarity each time when you see the letters BFN.  I can?t remember where I heard it, but I remember someone saying in an interview that there is a name for someone that loses a wife and a name for someone that loses a husband, but no name for someone that loses a child.  It struck me so deeply ?cause I can only imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, I imagine it to be the pain after a failed IVF multiplied by several thousand times.  It also reminded me of the unique feeling of loss that infertiles live through.   How do you describe the loss of someone that has never even existed?  What name is there for this?  This cloud that?s always hanging over you, that?s there, but also not completely there.  Then I think about people processing the loss of being completely sterile.  I choke just thinking about that.One thing that always inspires me is to see infertiles deal with all these feelings and battle their way to sanity and how they keep their heads up amidst all this craziness.  It takes a special kind of person rip out their own arrows and tend to their wounds like others take out the garbage and mow te lawn.  As they say, life goes on?and every day we infertiles realise, more than anyone else will ever understand how magnificent this thing called parenthood is.  If ever there was a positive spin to a sad sad story it is this love that grows in us every time we see that single line and the fortunate ones that will one day be the beneficiaries of this well of love.  Whomever they may be?  For that my friends, we keep on fighting the good fight and keep on ripping out arrows with our bare hands every time they come our way.  ?Cause in our minds eye we?ve got something we?re fighting for.Hang in there dear soldier, the spoils of this battle is worth every wound, and in this place of nameless pain grows courage known by none other that the likes of ourselves.Q

Edwina.McDunnough

I find the nobility in suffering thing a load of crap especially when a lot of that suffering is a direct result of someone else making a buck and the sole alleviation of said suffering is finally having that child. Well, some of us may never get that child and there the inspirational suffering theory seriously goes out the window. This is my opinion only but this kind of romantic self-righteous sentiment is the thing that (some) people who finally have kids say, or the thing you say about a dead person after they had a bad go of it, or what people say about combat and war to make themselves feel better about ugly realities. I don't want any wounds. I would be a good mother without them and really, going through all this does not make anyone a better person, it just makes the real person they are come out.

Yay if it speaks to someone and makes them feel good about their situation but personally it doesn't do it for me. It sucks and thats it. There is no noble vision or reason or redemptive anything and I would argue that no one is trying hard to be inspirational. If we learn more about ourselves, then that's the best we can hope for. I'm sorry that my situation basically makes the author choke. And I'm sorry about that black placenta of hope thing, which I think is a deliberate choice of words that is supposed to resonate deeply with me but does not.

If these are not your own words you should credit the author. 

AmCheri

I find the sentiments in this article difficult to identify with and self-indulgent.  But that's just me.  

Mrkyrain

I could relate to parts of this and other parts I found to be a little over the top.  However, this is what I kept going back to...   WTF?  

 

To be hounest, I probably am a high risk alcoholic, but I can?t stand hangovers, not even teeny weenie ones, they irritate me to such an extent that I probably will never end up in rehab.  How unfortunate. 

Mrs.McIrish

Edwina.McDunnough:

I find the nobility in suffering thing a load of crap especially when a lot of that suffering is a direct result of someone else making a buck and the sole alleviation of said suffering is finally having that child. Well, some of us may never get that child and there the inspirational suffering theory seriously goes out the window. This is my opinion only but this kind of romantic self-righteous sentiment is the thing that (some) people who finally have kids say, or the thing you say about a dead person after they had a bad go of it, or what people say about combat and war to make themselves feel better about ugly realities. I don't want any wounds. I would be a good mother without them and really, going through all this does not make anyone a better person, it just makes the real person they are come out.

I agree with Edwina 100%.  Some of us will go through all this over and over and get nothing. Where are our spoils?

Mitzi Bishi

Edwina, I always appreciate your realism and don't think you have anything to be sorry for, although I know you could care less what the author would think of you.

I often feel like cheerleader for those who never get a take home baby, because people love to forget them or tell them they aren't hopeful enough or as I was recently told by a fellow IFer I wasn't "putting it out there for the universe", or whatever other kind of BS. 

The very real and unfortunate end that many of us are in is that after many failed IVFs, donor cycles, or whatever else some of us will unfortunately be left behind even after all of the procedures. This is what is so destructive with IF. It leaves you living, but with a very different outlook. 

This is not pessimistic, it's simply what it is.

No one wants to deal with the sadness or difficulty that doing all of this in vain presents, which is partly why the CFNBC board always has oodles of gawkers and few participants.  

Mrs.McIrish

Mitzi Bishi:

Edwina, I always appreciate your realism and don't think you have anything to be sorry for, although I know you could care less what the author would think of you.

I often feel like cheerleader for those who never get a take home baby, because people love to forget them or tell them they aren't hopeful enough or as I was recently told by a fellow IFer I wasn't "putting it out there for the universe", or whatever other kind of BS. 

The very real and unfortunate end that many of us are in is that after many failed IVFs, donor cycles, or whatever else some of us will unfortunately be left behind even after all of the procedures. This is what is so destructive with IF. It leaves you living, but with a very different outlook. 

This is not pessimistic, it's simply what it is.

No one wants to deal with the sadness or difficulty that doing all of this in vain presents, which is partly why the CFNBC board always has oodles of gawkers and few participants.  

I "heart" you Mitzi!

AmCheri

Realism is a symptom -- a necessity -- of what I'll call late-stage IF.  I don't begrudge other women their optimism because I had it once, too.  What I do take umbrage with is the notion that there is something to be attained by each of us at the end of the IF road. To me, that's not optimism, it's delusion.   Guess I'm just cranky today. 

BeeBee08

While I don't like the fact that the author emphasizes that having a child is the only end of the road, I can relate to the pain she describes of a failed IVF cycle.  It is exactly that pain that she talks about that is preventing me from moving forward with another round at this time.

ForTheLoveOf Pink

After reading the poem; for sure there were lots of statements that I could relate to. I didn't anaylze too much I guess. I just interpreted it as more of a "vent" of feelings of that person in that time in their life. So in that case, if you feel a kinship or a feeling of being understood by someone else in the universe that is great.

Denae'sTTC

Edwina.McDunnough:

I find the nobility in suffering thing a load of crap especially when a lot of that suffering is a direct result of someone else making a buck and the sole alleviation of said suffering is finally having that child. Well, some of us may never get that child and there the inspirational suffering theory seriously goes out the window. This is my opinion only but this kind of romantic self-righteous sentiment is the thing that (some) people who finally have kids say, or the thing you say about a dead person after they had a bad go of it, or what people say about combat and war to make themselves feel better about ugly realities. I don't want any wounds. I would be a good mother without them and really, going through all this does not make anyone a better person, it just makes the real person they are come out.

Yay if it speaks to someone and makes them feel good about their situation but personally it doesn't do it for me. It sucks and thats it. There is no noble vision or reason or redemptive anything and I would argue that no one is trying hard to be inspirational. If we learn more about ourselves, then that's the best we can hope for. I'm sorry that my situation basically makes the author choke. And I'm sorry about that black placenta of hope thing, which I think is a deliberate choice of words that is supposed to resonate deeply with me but does not.

If these are not your own words you should credit the author. 

 https://invivo.co.za/?p=485

Here is the blog I saw it on.....I'm not the author, just found it to be a little different to say the least...... 

blueberries8

Edwina.McDunnough:

This is my opinion only but this kind of romantic self-righteous sentiment is the thing that (some) people who finally have kids say, or the thing you say about a dead person after they had a bad go of it, or what people say about combat and war to make themselves feel better about ugly realities. I don't want any wounds. I would be a good mother without them and really, going through all this does not make anyone a better person, it just makes the real person they are come out.

I feel the same way. I think oftentimes in hindsight people who've had their happy ending try to find meaning and significance in their struggle in order to rationalize or justify the pain and unfairness they went through. I think it's actually a pretty normal thing to do. Personally, I don't see how it is possible to find positive meaning in my suffering or in the deaths of my babies even if I do end up with something truly awesome in the future. I believe I would have been a loving, compassionate, and conscientious mother if I conceived on my first cycle TTC. I do not believe my having suffered makes me better. 

And of course the big problem with this "logic" is that it assumes everyone will have a happy ending or resolution, that the suffering will ultimately be for something or "worth" it. Unfortunately, we all know that's not true. A lot of us will eventually get that coveted happy ending some way or another, but some of us won't, and it will be just plain unfair and horrible.