Blended Families
colonialbride
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Need your unbiased input
colonialbride
member
So according to the court document, DH gets to choose a week vacation in July or August and must tell BM by June 1. So today he told her which week he wants(for a family wedding out of town) and she's come up with several excuses as to why he can't take his vacation that week. She says 1) that was the week she took last year so she may take it again, 2) SD has dance and all vacations must be arranged around her schedule. No where in the papers does it say that the vacation is contigent upon the child's schedule nor does it say that mom can determine if that week is acceptable...it would probably never be a good week for her. He does not get to say whether the week the BM chooses is ok or not. So, my question is: do you think it's reasonable for her to expect him not to take his week vacation because SD has a dance class on one of the days, and should he go ahead and make plane reservations regardless of her saying that he can't take her that week. TIA!
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Re: Need your unbiased input
Unfortunately when it doesn't say if a parent is "allowed" to veto requested vacation time, it also means a parent isn't NOT "allowed" to veto vacation time. If an attorney is still involved, consult with them and maybe have them call BM. If there is no language regarding "vetoing" vacation, then I'd ask her to show me where it says she's "allowed" to. I think as long as he is giving BM 30 days notice of the vacation time he wants to use, then he's being reasonable.
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Did she propose an alternate week? Or provide any additional information? IMO it is unreasonable to totally disregard both the parent's schedule and the child's schedule, but when she's not willing to work with you, you don't really have a choice.
So if she didn't make any suggestions, then I don't have any sympathy for her. I guess I would send her an email stating something like "On MM/DD, I'll be buying plane tickets for the week I proposed. You have until MM/DD to have your attorney contact me if this is a problem for you."
She hasn't proposed anything else...I guess her thinking is that we can't really take an actual week to go out of town because SD will have dance every week...maybe it's a control thing. We honestly wouldn't care about the specific week, but we have an important family wedding to attend that particular week that we'd like SD to attend since it is her grandmother getting married.
Wendi, I love when you're in a mood hahahaha
OP, Wendi makes a lot of valid points. As for SD missing dance, what is one class really going to hurt? Especially if the school is given plenty of notice (which it sounds like they will), they can have her make up a class when she gets back. My daughter will be missing 2 tumbling classes in June when she's with her father, and she's making them up when she gets home. Coaches/teachers/instructors are well aware of these blended family situations and usually work around them.
I reiterate what I said in my first response: have BM show your husband and his attorney where it says she's allowed to veto visits due to extra-curricular activities.
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If I were your DH, I'd call my lawyer tomorrow, tell him what's going on and request that he send a simple, one page letter directly to his ex and her lawyer indicating the date that he chooses and that there is no legal wording stating that she has the option to void it.
Her dance class practice is not enough excuse for a 6 year old.
And yes. It is a control thing. 9.5 times out of 10 times, that is EXACTLY what it is. When she gets like this - nail her to the wall immediately and let her know that she can't screw with you.
BM did this to H all the time - until the times he got a lawyer and put an end to her nonsense.
Simple letters from lawyers may cost you a little chunk of change, but it will save you much more in the long run. Trust me.
Call your laywer.
Dont engage in the powerstruggle.
all PPers gave some great advice, just wanted to throw a suggestion out there.... assuming the wedding is on a weekend, could you do a "split" week... ie tuesday to tuesday instead of sunday to sunday?
not sure how far away you are but is it possible for you or H to bring her to dance class?
I'm not going to sit here and say that a dance class is a priority, our BM gets all up in a pissy mood when SD misses something like this so we have had to go to extremes to compromise with her.
does your CO state that you get 1 week uninterrupted visitation time? Then you aren't obligated to bring her for the dance class.
I could see if it was a recital, or the last rehearsal before recital or something but just a regular class won't kill her if it is missed.
I wouldn't let BM get away with it, but that's after 3 yrs of watching BM walk all over my H and him not having a backbone to stand up to her.
Unfortunately, the dance class is on Saturday, as is the wedding we would be attending, so we really couldn't take her. The wedding is in a different state and we would be flying there a few days before.
He sent her the request in writing today, and I really don't think there is anything she can do about it. Basically SD has dance every week, so that would mean we would never be able to go out of town...and I think any judge would find that ridiculous.