How to explain Autism to kindergartner?

august06mom

I hope I"m posting on the right board ...

DS1 has been clashing with another boy at school -- according to notes from the teacher and stories from DS, they frequently argue over toys, sometimes get in shoving matches, and often get in trouble with one another by chasing each other. The teacher has told me that the boy "goads" DS sometimes and has asked me to tell DS to stay away from the boy.

I thought they were just two typical kids not necessarily getting along, but then I found out from another parent that the boy has autism (she coaches the boy in T-ball).

How would you handle this? Today DS was in trouble at school for telling the boy he's not his friend anymore, and DS told me that he said that because the boy kept knocking over his block towers and pushing him. It sounds like they both frequently push each other's buttons.

(Note, I hope I"m not coming off as thinking my son is an angel and the other boy is bad, bad, bad. I know DS, and he's drawn to trouble like a moth to a flame. But I'm trying to think of ways to help him "deal" with the boy that are a bit more sensitive than if he was a typical boy, if that makes sense.)

ntyravgmom

I'm a bit upset at the teacher's response to the two boys not getting along but that's an explanation for another time...

Assembly_Reqd

-auntie-:

It's entirely possible the boy isn't aware of his dx at this point and certainly shouldn't find out from a peer.

THIS TIMES 1000.

Not all children are aware of their dx's especially if they are "invisible"

Forget you ever heard that he has a dx. You should ask the T-ball coach if he/she is at liberty to pass on information like this to other parents.

I would be livid and crushed if my child was outed by another parent or another child.

birdie_1010

I'm having a hard time thinking of a good answer to this post because I'm finding myself feeling stuck on the teachers advice to you.  The poor kid is going to end up never having a friend if he doesn't have a teacher that is willing to help him in his social interactions.

Anyhow, back on topic....

I would guess that in K the other boy does not know he has a diagnosis.  If I were in your position, I would talk to your son about how all people have some things they are good at and other things that might be more difficult.  You could ask your son what strengths his classmate has and then talk about his classmate having difficulty with staying in his bubble, etc.  Perhaps you could find out from the teacher what language they use in the classroom to remind students of personal space.  You could then give your son some scripts to help him interact with his peer, that would be tied to what he is hearing in the classroom.  I would definitely recommend against using the word autism to explain his classmate to him. 

august06mom

Thank you all for your advice -- it is very much appreciated. Just to clear it up, I never shared the word "autism" with DS. I agree that it is not our business, and I certainly wouldn't want him blabbing things on the playground that he shouldn't be. He has said to me in the past, "It's not [boy's name -- let's just call him John] fault -- it's his BRAIN." When I asked him where he heard that, he just shrugged.

As for his teacher telling him to stay away from John, I think she just meant in the classroom because it seems like both boys have a propensity to goof off together and chase each other. I've told DS that he should not be chasing John, and that he should save that for the playground.

I do like the explanation of saying that some things are harder for some kids. I think that would put it in the realm of his understanding. We've been practicing him just walking away when he gets engaged into misbehaving in the classroom -- like I said before, he's like a moth to a flame with trouble. He can spot it from across the building and makes a beeline for it.

august06mom

-auntie-:

august06mom:

Thank you all for your advice -- it is very much appreciated. Just to clear it up, I never shared the word "autism" with DS. I agree that it is not our business, and I certainly wouldn't want him blabbing things on the playground that he shouldn't be. He has said to me in the past, "It's not [boy's name -- let's just call him John] fault -- it's his BRAIN." When I asked him where he heard that, he just shrugged.

Oh dear God, you didn't.

There's a huge difference between explaining the concept that different people bring different skills and areas of challenge to the party and telling your kid a peer does something because his BRAIN is defective. Major side eye coming from me on this.

I'm troubled by the notion of you offering low expectations- instead of going to a "it's must be hard for John to be a good friend sometimes", you write him off as too impaired to be held accountable and that may not be true.

My own DS was pretty feral in kindie; he really struggled with the idea of a socially constructed hierarchy in the class and following rules. As a team we worked hard to help DS become his best self. Today my son is an honor student and an Eagle Scout.

Some of the moms and dads who wrote him off as defective are the parents of kids who haven't turned out quite so well. In the microcosm that is the elementary school, kids are drawn to others who have similar levels of development. The bright, well developing, so called "nice kids" tend to hang together. It you son is drawn to other kids who have poor self regulation skills exclusively, he may have issues of his own about which you should be concerned.

As for his teacher telling him to stay away from John, I think she just meant in the classroom because it seems like both boys have a propensity to goof off together and chase each other. I've told DS that he should not be chasing John, and that he should save that for the playground.

This is really wrong of the teacher. By this point in the year, most typical kids would understand the expectations for behavior in the classroom. She doesn't sound like much of a teacher. Ideally, they should be split up next year unless they end up paired for social reasons.

I do like the explanation of saying that some things are harder for some kids. I think that would put it in the realm of his understanding. We've been practicing him just walking away when he gets engaged into misbehaving in the classroom -- like I said before, he's like a moth to a flame with trouble. He can spot it from across the building and makes a beeline for it.

It's troubling that he is drawn to disordered behavior. Most typically developing kids are more comfortable to stick with other kids who follow the rules.

It's great to practice the skill of walking away. He may need help recognizing when he's ramping up so that he can make the choice to behave appropriately while he has the chance. Giving him scripts to use could help as well. Does he often play with girls? The "I'm not your friend anymore" reeks of estrogen. It's not something a kindie boy would typically blurt.

The school should have clearly stated expectations and a positive discipline plan in place for his behavior as well. Can you request that your son not be placed with this child next year? Once they're apart, you'll have a better idea of which student is feeding off the other. If this other child is leading your son astray (and frankly, most kids with autism are not leaders) then your DS's behavior should improve. Or maybe your son will find some other kid to mix it up with. Only time will sort that out.

Just to clarify -- I never said this. This is something DS picked up at school, and I told him that we don't talk about people that way.

My DS definitely has his own behavior issus, and we do have a positive reinforcement behavior plan for him at school. ADHD has been tossed around, but the school (and my DH) think we're not there yet. I don't always agree, but he's made incredible strides since the beginning of the year, and I'm very proud of his improvement. We went from daily notes being sent home about behavior issues to about once every other week, and they are usually pretty minor.

But, like I said before, I know he's certainly no angel, which is why I want to work on him with his behavior.

As for:

I'm troubled by the notion of you offering low expectations- instead of going to a "it's must be hard for John to be a good friend sometimes", you write him off as too impaired to be held accountable and that may not be true.

I really don't know a whole lot about this boy -- just what the teacher has told me about his issues with DS. I don't think she's a great teacher, and I'm thankful the year is almost over.

breezy0629

I can relate to this from the side of the mom of the OTHER boy. We have a neighbor who my kids LOVE dearly and play with all the time. A year ago, DS (autism and 5 yrs old) and the 6 year old neighbor boy ONLY FOUGHT. It took about 5 minutes of being together and it would turn into yelling!!! For some reason, the neighbor boy continued wanting to come play, despite the fact that they ALWAYS got into it. By 'they' I mean the neighbor boy would get mad and yell and say 'it's not fair', etc.. and MY SON was completely oblivious and continued talking/doing whatever he was doing, which continued to make the neighbor madder and madder.

Watching from my point of view, I knew my son's social deficits along with the 7 year old boy stuff was a huge imbalance and the expectation needed to be lowered. So, I decided when they played, I would have to supervise constantly. I talked with the neighbors parents, so they would know why I was hovering so much. We facilitated removing the activities that created the most arguing (soccer, etc.. games that they just could not play effectively together because of the level of play was too far separated). We facilitated encouraging things they could do at any level (drawing chalk on sidewalk, riding scooters, water balloons, etc..) and I would constantly have to intervene --- eg. my son would only want to write numbers and words and the neighbor wanted to PLAY and make up games. I would go to my son, explain the rules, and set him free. 10 minutes later I'd have to do it again, etc.. 

Anyway, it's been a year and they play together SO nicely now. I have to intervene less and less  and I feel my son has benefited a lot through this relationship (and I think the neighbor gained a playmate who he can actually play with now). I usually do say something to both boys, but I generally make sure I am not parenting the other boy, just mentioning reasons WHY my son isn't catching onto the game 'Remember, he's younger than you' or 'Remember different kids are better at different things, this is something you are great at, but DS has to learn this, ets give him a chance'. I talk about the reasons why, but I dont give it a title.

 Anyway, relationships CAN work, but the teacher can't just expect it will happen easily without any intervention.