Is my DH the only one who can't handle crying?

SnowCedar

It is negatively affecting his relationship with LO. I don't know what to do. 

I'll preface by saying that DH loves LO so much and he usually does really well with him. LO can be pretty fussy, but is pretty normal in the crying department. He is rarely inconsolable, but will often have very changeable moods where he's happy one minute and crying the next.

That said, either DH doesn't know what to expect from babies or his perception of LO's crying/fussiness is WAY OFF. It's to the point where if LO fusses for more than a minute or two, DH perceives that he's "had a really bad morning" or "has been fussy all day" (things he tells other people when they're asking about LO) and DH is clearly stressed out by it. 

He also has no patience when LO cries - I see him getting really tense and he half-pleads/half-shouts at LO to 'please be quiet'. He hands him off more and more quickly after the crying starts  even though he is actually really good at calming him down when he tries. He is losing confidence in his fathering abilities and i don't know why. I'm getting frustrated because I feel like i have to keep LO calm around him (or take him away when he cries) because i don't want dh to be in a bad mood all day. 

Just this weekend DH described the past 4 months 'miserable' and he doesn't know how or why people ever have more than one kid. This makes me so sad to hear that he feels this way is having such a rough time adjusting, but when I try to talk to him he says he's fine and ends the conversation.  At the same time I have no idea how to help him be more patient with the crying or to recognize that we actually do have lots of happy-baby time and there's no reason he should be perceiving our lives right now as miserable. 

Sorry this is so long, but is anyone else dealing with this? Does it sound like DH needs a swift kick in the pants and be told to pull himself together, or do you think he has baby blues and needs to see somebody? Or am I overreacting? I didn't see this coming and have no idea what to do.

livinginashoe

Wow, um, no. Not dealing with this. When DD is inconsolable, DH really kicks into gear and manages to get her in a better mood more times than not. I think the really telling part is the "Please be quiet". That's not going to work on an infant.

Could you try coaching him? For example, when he's got a fussy baby on his hands, say something like, "You know, she really liked it when I walked with her earlier today" or "try peek-a-boo, that always gets a smile when I do it".

And please make sure he's not getting frustrated to the point of shaking or otherwise harming your baby. It doesn't sound like he's equipped to deal with the crying yet, and I'd hate to see your LO get hurt as a result of his frustration.

fernane

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can somewhat relate. DS is seriously the happiest/easiest baby. Nearly all of our friends have also commented of this.  The only time he ever cries is if he's hungry or gassy..he's usually so smiley. However, H often exaggerates to others about how much he cries and makes him sound way worse than he actually is. He has also complained that he doesn't get sleep, etc., even though IM the ONLy one who wakes up to feed, etc. it really rubs me the wrong way and I always remind him what a great and happy baby we are blessed with and that it could be so much harder than it is. It makes me question, sometimes, whether he could handle another baby, especially since chances are, the next one will be way fussier than DS.

HappyToBe2012

IMO, your DH needs the swift kick in the pants.  Babies cry and get fussy.  It's just part of what they do.  You're not alone though.  It's been a long road with my DH as well getting him to be able to handle DD's crying.  His first reaction always was to hand her to me and I would take her.  I stopped moving as quick and he's getting better about trying to find solutions to her crying.  I also left them home alone together for a few hours.  DH had no choice but to figure it out at that point.  Since then, I've noticed he's gotten better at trying things himself before passing her off to me.  I would sit your DH down and try to get him to talk about it and not let him brush it off.  This is a big issue and if you don't work on it now, it's only going to get bigger.

busterbeagle

My DH also doesn't handle it well.  He thinks fussy=inconsolable.  I think he struggles because I do have such an easier time comforting her (since I have the boobs) and she is in her worst mood when he is home in the evenings.  I make suggestions to him and usually he can calm her down at least a little bit, but he isn't confident and gets stressed by her crying easily.  I also make sure he gets some time with her in the morning when she is happiest so he doesn't think it is his fault that she gets crabby or that she is always like that.

Jen0204

My H was like this for a short period of time.  They were kind of fussy from probably 8-13 or 14 weeks - nothing crazy, but fussier then they had been.  DD2 did have a couple of weeks with a colicky period most days, but again, nothing that was really unusual.  Sure, it was frustrating and annoying, but they're babies!  I kept telling him that he needed to realize how lucky we are and that our babies are not nearly as bad as babies who get full blown colic.  He also wasn't - and still isn't, really - as good at soothing them as I am.  For some reason he thinks that sitting there with them while they cry and giving them their pacifier is all that's necessary.  I've told him repeatedly that if he gets up and walks around with them and talks/sings gently to them they'll calm down very quickly.  Even rocking in the rocking chair is better then just sitting on the couch.  He's starting to get better, but they also really don't cry much at all anymore.

Could you do some research online on colicky babies and send him a website that give an account of what a baby with colic is like?  Maybe if he reads what life is like with an actual fussy baby he'll appreciate how yours is more.  I would also tell him that you understand how frustrating it can be when your LO cries - I hate when I can't console them not because I'm mad they're crying, but because I feel bad that I can't stop it - but that he needs to understand that crying will happen and he needs to try to stop being so negative about the baby's demeanor.  I honestly believe that babies feed off of our emotions, and I always have a harder time consoling them when I'm stressed out or upset.  I don't know if you're EBF, but if not (or if you can pump) maybe it would be good to leave your H and LO home alone for a whole day - trial by fire

ssm250

Nope, you're not alone.

For my DH, it's more of a self-confidence issue.  He doubts himself a lot, so he legitimately thinks he can't comfort or handle her.  Reassure your DH that he's doing a great job and talk to him about how it is important that you both work together on being great parents - which is all he wants to be anyway.  Find some little victories and remind him of the wins.  My DH hates it when I cry just as much as when DD does.  I think he just HATES seeing someone he loves in distress.

I also have to kind of agree with your DH on the first four months being pretty sucky.  Not everyone enjoys that time but that doesn't mean that he won't get amnesia in a year or two after your kid starts doing cool stuff like talking and crawling and playing.  Have faith.  I hated it too but will suck it up and do again for kid #2.  I don't want DD to be an only child and it definitely is getting better for me as she gets older and more interesting.

 

JenJH923

You are not alone on this one!  My husband has never interacted with a baby in his life until Charlie came along and he had a lot of learning to do.  He always seemed to think that Charlie was crying for no reason. I would say he is much more comfortable with him crying now, but I have explained to him a million times over that if the baby is crying it is because he needs something.  A baby is not crying just for fun, or to get on your nerves-- it is their only form of communication. Once my husband really started to understand this he was able to cope better with the crying.  Now, he can even decipher his cries a bit better. He has called me a few times and said "Charlie is crying, and it isn't his normal cry so I think he is gassy/overtired etc".   Your husband will come around, it just takes longer for men.  I read in a book once that as women and mothers we have an instinct to care for our baby. We almost have a hormonal response to our child crying and we need to help them immediately- our body makes us have that need. Men do not have that, they have nothing that subconsciously makes them want to react and soothe the baby- they have to learn to do it. 

SnowCedar

JenJH923:

You are not alone on this one!  My husband has never interacted with a baby in his life until Charlie came along and he had a lot of learning to do.  He always seemed to think that Charlie was crying for no reason. I would say he is much more comfortable with him crying now, but I have explained to him a million times over that if the baby is crying it is because he needs something.  A baby is not crying just for fun, or to get on your nerves-- it is their only form of communication. Once my husband really started to understand this he was able to cope better with the crying.  Now, he can even decipher his cries a bit better. He has called me a few times and said "Charlie is crying, and it isn't his normal cry so I think he is gassy/overtired etc".   Your husband will come around, it just takes longer for men.  I read in a book once that as women and mothers we have an instinct to care for our baby. We almost have a hormonal response to our child crying and we need to help them immediately- our body makes us have that need. Men do not have that, they have nothing that subconsciously makes them want to react and soothe the baby- they have to learn to do it. 

Thanks - i really appreciate your perspective on this... i think this is what DH has trouble realizing and something I could articulate better to him. I'm glad I'm not alone!

aracelyluna

I really felt this way for a while about DH too. He did not know how to handle the baby when he was upset and would often hand him over. He felt that when he cried just a little we had a bad day. He really only spent weekends at home with home and would feel tense around the baby. It did not come naturally to DH like it did to figure out what to do the baby. Then, I had to come back to work and DH stayed at home with baby for two weeks. This was the best thing that could have happened to DH and baby! DH was forced to deal with the baby no matter what and figure out how to calm him down and learn his cues. Now, I see such a big difference in their relationship and DH's comfort level. For some guys they just need to be left alone with the baby I guess. Before DH just figured I would deal with the messy parts of parenting a baby and he would do the fun. Those two weeks really helped us out. So maybe allow DH to spend a day or so on his own, so he can really see that he can do it and that he is a good daddy. 

footnotegirl

JenJH923:

 I read in a book once that as women and mothers we have an instinct to care for our baby. We almost have a hormonal response to our child crying and we need to help them immediately- our body makes us have that need. Men do not have that, they have nothing that subconsciously makes them want to react and soothe the baby- they have to learn to do it. 

I have to disagree with this bit. We're all basically hardwired to respond to babies (their cuteness, their cries, their giggles) BUT every individual has different levels of this/different responses.

Most men feel helpless around a crying baby because society has pretty much guaranteed that it be so. Large families are no longer the norm, so it's likely that much younger siblings aren't in the picture. Boys are not encouraged to (and are in fact, heavily discouraged from) playing with dolls. If you think about it, that's where most women learn to become comfortable with activities like holding, dressing, and diapering babies. We did it with our dolls. As they get older, young men, unlike young women, are not generally used as babysitters. So you end up with the situation that for many men, the first baby they ever hold is their own. Of course they feel uncomfortable and unsure of themselves! And then they have the constant drum beat of 'women are natural mothers' and 'moms know automatically how to take care of babies' so that makes it easier for them to just believe that they CAN'T be capable. Ugh.

For what it's worth, my husband is the one who is far more hardwired to respond to our LO fussing. While OF COURSE I take care of my daughter and make sure that everything's okay when she cries, it's him who wakes up at the drop of a hat if she fusses in the night. It's him who gets that deep down "must fix this now" response, etc. etc.

OP, men can definitely suffer from a form of PPD. Any major life change can contribute to depression, and you don't get much bigger life changes than first time parenthood. I would suggest finding a counsellor and/or other dads for him to talk to about what he's going through. Also, instead of kicking him in the pants (which I am usually all in favor of) how about focussing on positive reinforcement, praising him and pointing out when he does things well with the baby. Things really turned the corner for my husband when he tried new things that worked better than things I was doing and I told him so, and he's felt so much more like he's got things under control and is a good parent since then.