What makes mc/ loss "better"

nkemp

There was a post last night that referenced an article that indicated the only thing that can make it (a mc/ loss) better is having a healthy baby and holing it in your arms.  I disagree with that statement.  That's like saying you love one child more than the others.  Can you imagine not having your sisters or bothers in your life?  My daughter will have to.  I love my daughter with all my heart, but I miss and grieve for the loss of her 2 siblings.  Having a healthy child does not make mc better, in my opinion.

BootsOrHearts

Agreed. No matter how many healthy happy babies we have now, the innocence and excitement of the first one is gone and we'll never get that back.

JennOH85

I agree. I read a collection of memoirs about pregnancy loss and in it, one of the women told her story: Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but she never let herself grieve the loss. Year and years later, she told her teenage son about her miscarriage and his response was, "You mean I could have had a big brother?" When I read that, I just started sobbing hysterically. I told DH about it, and even though he's a rarely-shows-emotion kind of guy, he started to tear up, too. Losing a pregnancy is losing a version of the future that you can never get back. As hopeful as we are that a family is still in the cards for us and as much as we're dying for that next BFP, it won't change the past.

Gregermis

That's a horrible statement for someone (like me) who is worried that I may never carry and give birth to a healthy child...  Feels like something extra to stress over! 

 

ct103

JennOH85:

Losing a pregnancy is losing a version of the future that you can never get back.

Perfectly said. Mind if I use this sentence in my blog? 

ct103

Gregermis:

That's a horrible statement for someone (like me) who is worried that I may never carry and give birth to a healthy child...  Feels like something extra to stress over! 

 

This is where I'm at right now. DH and I have been talking a lot recently about the very real possibility that this might not happen for us. Yes, we're hopeful. But we're also trying hard not to count on the idea that there will be another BFP at any point. We have to find happiness and peace without needing a rainbow baby. I DO think we can heal without having a healthy baby, if that's what life decides to hand us.  

nkemp

Thank you ladies for commenting.  I guess I'm just tired of hearing the "well at least you have one child'.  Like I'm supposed to suck it up and feel lucky that I have a child and somehow that makes it better.  I'm sorry but I don't feel lucky that I had 2 mc.  The lucky one is my bff who had 3 BFP and has 3 beautiful daughters.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel pain.

Laurakat81

I absolutely agree too!

panacea05

If I'm ever fortunate enough to have a child, yes, I will be better. Right now, not only am I mourning the loss of my babies, I'm wondering if I'll ever get to hold one of my own. I will always, always miss the babies I lost, and they can't be replaced--but I know half of my sorrow will lift if I give birth to a healthy baby.

buckeyebaby814

nkemp:

Thank you ladies for commenting.  I guess I'm just tired of hearing the "well at least you have one child'.  Like I'm supposed to suck it up and feel lucky that I have a child and somehow that makes it better.  I'm sorry but I don't feel lucky that I had 2 mc.  The lucky one is my bff who had 3 BFP and has 3 beautiful daughters.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel pain.

That's awful for anyone to say that to you!  It does not change the fact that you're mourning.  ::HUGS:: 

katharine25

I interpreted that article as implying being PgAL is what makes it "better", not a previous. I don't for a second think that is true, but I do think I will have a different perspective on loss when I hold my baby.  And I do think I would have a different perspective of my miscarriage now if I already had a baby.  

Right now the ever preset thought in my head is if I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I have no historical or current proof that I am able to, and this though terrifies me - and is ever present in my mind. I don't think I will ever "get over" the miscarriages I've had, but I do think my mindset will be different when/IF I have a baby.  

That what could have been will always be there though. The loss of a child is the loss of a child.  

panacea05

katharine25:

I interpreted that article as implying being PgAL is what makes it "better", not a previous. I don't for a second think that is true, but I do think I will have a different perspective on loss when I hold my baby.  And I do think I would have a different perspective of my miscarriage now if I already had a baby.  

Right now the ever preset thought in my head is if I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I have no historical or current proof that I am able to, and this though terrifies me - and is ever present in my mind. I don't think I will ever "get over" the miscarriages I've had, but I do think my mindset will be different when/IF I have a baby.  

That what could have been will always be there though. The loss of a child is the loss of a child.  

Perfectly said. 

nkemp

katharine25:

I interpreted that article as implying being PgAL is what makes it "better", not a previous. I don't for a second think that is true, but I do think I will have a different perspective on loss when I hold my baby.  And I do think I would have a different perspective of my miscarriage now if I already had a baby.  

Right now the ever preset thought in my head is if I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I have no historical or current proof that I am able to, and this though terrifies me - and is ever present in my mind. I don't think I will ever "get over" the miscarriages I've had, but I do think my mindset will be different when/IF I have a baby.  

That what could have been will always be there though. The loss of a child is the loss of a child.  

I get that and I do have a different perspective.  My point is that different doesn't = better.

MeganS313

I totally agree with this.  I will say, however, I think it has made the grieving somewhat easier?  Im not sure if that is the right word to use.  I think b/c of DS I have been distracted from the loss.  Maybe that is a better way to say it.  On one hand, other than for obvious reasons, I am thrilled I do have one child and that has allowed me to deal with emotions easier knowing I need to care and love the child I already have.  On the other hand, it doesnt make the loss "better" or easier to deal with.  I teared up at PP line about having a big brother they never know about. 
I will definitely share my loss experience with my children when theya re older.

DaisyZH

I have heard that from many people after my second loss, that "at least you have your son" or even worse my SIL said "well at least you can take care of our child" (I'll be providing childcare for her). 

While they do have a point, I am eternally grateful for my DS and I am also going to be eternally grateful for any nieces or nephews that I have, I guess it mostly feels like a brush off.  I still miss my baby and it's just as not okay that I lost them as when I lost the first one. 

I guess I don't really have anything to add exactly, I kind of see both sides of it. 

big_noise

nkemp:

Thank you ladies for commenting.  I guess I'm just tired of hearing the "well at least you have one child'.  Like I'm supposed to suck it up and feel lucky that I have a child and somehow that makes it better.  I'm sorry but I don't feel lucky that I had 2 mc.  The lucky one is my bff who had 3 BFP and has 3 beautiful daughters.  I don't feel lucky.  I feel pain.

This exactly. I understand where you are coming from. My DD is a bit younger than yours - she was born in Sept. 2010. I'm tired of people trying to act like it should be better b/c I have one child. So I can't grieve and be angry that we've lost two of her siblings?

big_noise

nkemp:

katharine25:

I interpreted that article as implying being PgAL is what makes it "better", not a previous. I don't for a second think that is true, but I do think I will have a different perspective on loss when I hold my baby.  And I do think I would have a different perspective of my miscarriage now if I already had a baby.  

Right now the ever preset thought in my head is if I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I have no historical or current proof that I am able to, and this though terrifies me - and is ever present in my mind. I don't think I will ever "get over" the miscarriages I've had, but I do think my mindset will be different when/IF I have a baby.  

That what could have been will always be there though. The loss of a child is the loss of a child.  

I get that and I do have a different perspective.  My point is that different doesn't = better.

Yep and yep.

ETA for clarification. Both good points.

KikiCohen

For me, the only thing that makes me feel "better" is knowing that I'll get to meet my LO in heaven some day (which I realize it only makes me feel better, it doesn't actually make the situation better).  And knowing that we have other loved ones in heaven that are already surrounding our LO with love.

 

uneek1323

ct103:

JennOH85:

Losing a pregnancy is losing a version of the future that you can never get back.

Perfectly said. Mind if I use this sentence in my blog? 

This struck me as well. Instant tears. 

psychmajormom

BootsOrHearts:

Agreed. No matter how many healthy happy babies we have now, the innocence and excitement of the first one is gone and we'll never get that back.

Exactly....

emikat

I also agree.  I don't know if that's exactly what they meant to say.  I don't think that having a baby makes you ever forget what you went through with the loss.  But it does help you move on.  There are many women that can't deal with other people's pregnancies or babies after their miscarriages.  Maybe, they were just saying that it helps to get back to a state where this is possible.  I know I will always grieve the loss of my baby and what could have been.  Future children, or not.   

hungryhippo

Pregnancy loss grief is so complex. There are so many things I grieve for surrounding my lossses, including my babies of course. I wish our society could give up this false idea of a hierarchy of grief. It is BS. All aspects of your grief are yours and no one gets to tell you what you should include of exclude. Wanting a sibling for your child is a very natural thing to want. 

People say stupid things to women in our shoes, regardless of our parenthood status, to make themselves feel better in uncomfortable situations. Seeing you in pain is probably hard for people who love you. If I could have given myself advice when I first went through loss it would be to respond to platitutudes with the truth about the fact they make me feel dismissed instead of supported.

s.alarie

hungryhippo:

Pregnancy loss grief is so complex. There are so many things I grieve for surrounding my lossses, including my babies of course. I wish our society could give up this false idea of a hierarchy of grief. It is BS. All aspects of your grief are yours and no one gets to tell you what you should include of exclude. Wanting a sibling for your child is a very natural thing to want. 

People say stupid things to women in our shoes, regardless of our parenthood status, to make themselves feel better in uncomfortable situations. Seeing you in pain is probably hard for people who love you. If I could have given myself advice when I first went through loss it would be to respond to platitutudes with the truth about the fact they make me feel dismissed instead of supported.

This is perfectly said. 

To the bolded: this is right on point. People are uncomfortable, so they can either choose to say something or nothing. Often times, what they say is the wrong thing entirely. I try, though, to remember that at least they are trying, and I appreciate that they are at least acknowledging my grief. If it's a really terrible "it was meant to be/it's God's will/everything happens for a reason" comment, I might add that a simple, "I'm so sorry" speaks volumes to a grieving mother. 

JennOH85

ct103:

JennOH85:

Losing a pregnancy is losing a version of the future that you can never get back.

Perfectly said. Mind if I use this sentence in my blog? 

Sorry for the super late reply, but of course, I don't mind at all. Hope you're enjoying the long weekend!

AngnShaun

I did not take the statement to mean that.  How often do people feel better on their EDD or Loss date if they happen to be pregnant again. Thats pretty much how i see it.

nkemp

hungryhippo:

the fact they make me feel dismissed instead of supported.

This is the part that I struggle with.