confused

kelandspence2012

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with twin boys. The babies dad is someone that I used to date over 20  years ago and we just kind of "got back together" early last year... we were together all last year, my son and I practically lived with him since we spent so many nights there or he stayed at my house ! Anyway, I found out last November that I was pregnant and I told him, well of course he wanted me to get an abortion, typical guy solution, ... I said no, then he seemed to start coming around and maybe getting used to the idea, well, December I found out that I was having twins ! omg sh** hit the fan ! He said I ruined us and he didn't want any kids ( has a 7 yr old daughter that he never sees and also had a baby die of sids almost 20 years ago ) ! I'm getting close to my due date and starting to get pissed.... I have known him for a long time and we were best friends, always there for eachother, no matter what and everytime I call him he gets all upset and says he doesn't want kids .... or that now is not the time to talk about any of it ! In my opinion, he is listening to his friends who are telling him I did it on purpose to trap him, but I told him there is nothing to trap him for .... he has nothing ! So my biggest fear is after the babies are born and I have to file for child support, he will hate me ! Everyone I know says "who cares" he's a jerk for abadoning you " ! I can't imagine any man not wanting to have anything to do with his own sons ..... I'm not some bar fly he picked up for a night ! ugh.... I'm so frustrated because I want them to know their dad ! By the way... his real dad didn't raise him, his step dad did (abusive) .... he met his real dad when he was 38 (he's 45 and I'm 42 ) ! I welcome all and any opinions... I just needed to vent, my friends and family hate him and r sick of hearing about it !

TIA

DaringMiss

What is there to say?

He doesn't want to be involved with the twins.  He doesn't want to be a dad.   You know what kind of man he is -- he doesn't even see his 7 year old -- so don't expect that he will be pushing for visitation of the twins.  You will have to file for child support, even if it isn't a whole lot.

And who cares if he gets upset when he has to pay child support?  He isn't coming back to you and you won't ever be a nice, nuclear family, so put that fantasy out of your head and fight for the support your children will need.   

kelandspence2012

Wow that was kind of harsh but that's okay ...... I asked for honest opinions and you are exactly right ! BUT  I don't have a fantasy in my head at all ..... it's the loss of our friendship that is so hard to take .... a 23 year friendship ! Thanks for your input though..... I do appreciate it !

kelandspence2012

It wasn't a planned pregnancy at all ! It will just take time to get over I guess ! Thanks !

FyreFlyeRush

First thing I'm going to say, SIDS changes people. My nephew was lost to SIDS at 3.5 mos, and NONE of us have gotten over it.  When I found out I was pregnant, i was terrified. When I learned I was due in May, the same month as my nephew's birth and my cousins stillbirth, I panicked. when I learned I was having a boy I absolutely lost it. I cried in the ultrasound room, not able to explain it was fear, not gender disappointment that made me this way. I'm not sayin that gives him an excuse, but it has to be considered. It's something you learn to live with, but you never get over it. The fear of losing a child will always be with you. And the void from the one that is missing is ever present.

That aside, it sounds like your situation isn't that dissimilar to mine with DDs father was. The difference is I was a whopping 18 when I got dumped. I was naive and stupid, and I was supposed to be. You have to walk away. Instead of fixing things, work on the future. Look into what you need to do for child support. If he doesn't want anything to do with your twins it's his loss and your gain. Seriously. I love not having to share DD with her father. I get her all to myself and she's really none the less for him rarely being there. He's the one suffering the consequences of what happened by ignoring her for 12 years. Know what they are? She doesn't care if she sees him or not. She prefers to spend holidays with my family. And, rarely will cancel her own plans for a weekend if he wants to see her. Granted, she'll be 16 next month, and she's old enough to make the choice. 

Walk away, say good bye, and move on. This baby's father was a good friend of mine until we started dating. Then I learned the man I dated and the man who was my friend are two different ppl. I walked away, and I don't regret that choice for an instance.  

kelandspence2012

FyreFlyeRush:

First thing I'm going to say, SIDS changes people. My nephew was lost to SIDS at 3.5 mos, and NONE of us have gotten over it.  When I found out I was pregnant, i was terrified. When I learned I was due in May, the same month as my nephew's birth and my cousins stillbirth, I panicked. when I learned I was having a boy I absolutely lost it. I cried in the ultrasound room, not able to explain it was fear, not gender disappointment that made me this way. I'm not sayin that gives him an excuse, but it has to be considered. It's something you learn to live with, but you never get over it. The fear of losing a child will always be with you. And the void from the one that is missing is ever present.

That aside, it sounds like your situation isn't that dissimilar to mine with DDs father was. The difference is I was a whopping 18 when I got dumped. I was naive and stupid, and I was supposed to be. You have to walk away. Instead of fixing things, work on the future. Look into what you need to do for child support. If he doesn't want anything to do with your twins it's his loss and your gain. Seriously. I love not having to share DD with her father. I get her all to myself and she's really none the less for him rarely being there. He's the one suffering the consequences of what happened by ignoring her for 12 years. Know what they are? She doesn't care if she sees him or not. She prefers to spend holidays with my family. And, rarely will cancel her own plans for a weekend if he wants to see her. Granted, she'll be 16 next month, and she's old enough to make the choice. 

Walk away, say good bye, and move on. This baby's father was a good friend of mine until we started dating. Then I learned the man I dated and the man who was my friend are two different ppl. I walked away, and I don't regret that choice for an instance.  

I really appreciate your input ! He actually told me even before I got pregnant that he was afraid to be around babies because it reminded of his daughter who died of sids and even after I got pregnant he said that he was afraid that there would be something wrong with them or something would happen to them and he couldn't go through that again (losing another baby ) ! We still talk and I try to be patient with him because we were the best of friends and I want to give him a chance ! When I first got pregnant he told me that he wanted the baby to be there with him but when I told him I was having twins he freaked out ! I don't consider him to be a pos as pp called him but I think he definitely has issues ! I've told myself that if he doesn't come around after they are born then it is what it is ! My son is 12 and his father has not contact with him and it bothers him so I guess I didn't want that to happen again ! I guess I will see how it goes ! Thanks again for your input !