WWYD? Friend issue

weddedwife

So I have this friend. Many years ago we were very close; she was even one of my bridesmaids (been married over 5 yrs). We haven't seen each other much in recent years because she moved away. I went to see her a few times, she came down to visit a few times but we kind of just drifted apart because our lives are in such different places. She is single & has no kids, and is still kind of living the party lifestyle. I haven't spoken to her since my loss; she called me on my bday in January & left a happy bday message but that was around the 3 month mark after we lost Nathaniel and I was NOT in a good place so I never called her back.

Our moms are friends too; her mom moved away a few years ago as well so they don't see each other often anymore but they saw one another a few months ago at a wedding. I'm sure that's where her mom heard about our loss, if she didn't know already since they have other friends in common.

So I got a voicemail from my friend about a week ago- all upbeat, happy, "Hey girl how's it goin" kind of thing. Haven't talked to you in forever, let's catch up, etc. I texted her back saying sorry I haven't called you back, the past 6 months have really sucked. See my fb page for a brief synopsis. I'll call you later when I'm not at work and can talk more. So she texts me back- Well I'm not on fb much but my mom told me that you lost your baby, I'm so sorry, I know from losing my dad that nothing anyone can say can make it better, if you ever want to talk call me, etc.

I'm kind of pissed. I felt like, you KNEW about the baby and you never called me or sent me a message? And then listening to her message after knowing that she knew... the part about wanting to catch up- what did she think I have to catch up on?? The fact that she knew & didn't contact me is upsetting me. I realize this relationship has drifted apart so I'm trying to see this for what it is but I feel that my judgment is just too clouded by my experience at this point. My gut reaction is to just let this friendship go since it was already headed that way it seems. I honestly wish she had just lied and pretended she didn't already know. What do you ladies think? What would you do if this was your friend?

johnnys june

Honestly, I think first and foremost it comes down to whether or not you want to continue/salvage this friendship. 

If you don't, then let it be.  If she didn't make the attempt to reach out to you specifically about the loss of your baby and that bothers you too much to look past her trying to "catch up" now, then let it rest.  The friendship hasn't been much so there's not much to let go of.

However, if you want to try to salvage the relationship -- for the sake of possibly of having a friend, or maybe just because of the past -- then {forgive me for playing the devil's advocate} maybe she just didn't know what to say so she waited.  Now she is calling to say hi and wants to catch up - possibly give you the opportunity to tell her what's been going.  

I don't know your friend...and I've had a similar situation happen to me.  I met up with her once to try to "catch up" and I told her my story so she'd understand where I was at the time.  The lunch date went well, but like your friend, my friend was also single, no kids, still in college, and living somewhat of a party life.  I knew that we had very little in common other than our past days together, and therefore, I've never reached out to her again.  She reached out to me once or twice more, but it was more of a "let's catch up and have lunch" thing and all I could think of was:  What are we going to talk about?  I'm still dealing with the same things...her life is constantly changing because nothing is holding her down.  KWIM!?! 

*hugs*  You have to do what's best for you... 

Mrs Nice

I am so sorry this is a decision you have to make. It is unfortunate that the loss of our babies is not the only loss we experience. So many relationships end when people can't understand and know what to say (or not to say) to us. I had a conversation with my cousin shortly after loosing Ian, where she said that she was glad I had reached out to her. She didn't know if it was okay to mention what happened and was scared to bring it up because she didn't want to cause me more pain. After I told her how important it was to me, she became my closest friend and support because she wasn't afraid anymore. She says his name often and just listens when I needed to talk. 

I would hate to see a friendship end because she didn't know what to say to you. You never know, her life could change one day and she could settle down and have a family and you will have more in common again. All that being said, you have to go with your gut.  You don't need anymore pain in your life. If the friendship isn't worth the effort on both sides it won't work.

GL in whatever you decide to do. Big hugs! 

tubbsy32

Maybe I am not in a good emotional position to answer this, but....I'd be done with her. I actually just did some reading on forgiveness, and I concluded that I don't even know if I want to forgive certain people because they hurt me so badly. I am sorry that you feel pissed bc I bet I know exactly how you are feeling.

xxswebbxx

johnnys june:

Honestly, I think first and foremost it comes down to whether or not you want to continue/salvage this friendship. 

If you don't, then let it be.  If she didn't make the attempt to reach out to you specifically about the loss of your baby and that bothers you too much to look past her trying to "catch up" now, then let it rest.  The friendship hasn't been much so there's not much to let go of.

THIS! I feel like I'm going threw the same thing with my "BFF". She was my MOH in my wedding & we did everything together. Even our kids (she has 2) & husbands were close. Then her husband got stationed in Texas in October. Ever since she moved our friendship has dwindled down to nothing. Its just sad because I have known her for years & I have always been there for her. I received a FB message from her 2 days after Olivia passed away...thats all. I'm just to the point now to where its not even worth it to express how I feel and make my self upset over it when clearly it seems she has moved on with her life.

eroplane

tubbsy32:

Maybe I am not in a good emotional position to answer this, but....I'd be done with her. I actually just did some reading on forgiveness, and I concluded that I don't even know if I want to forgive certain people because they hurt me so badly. I am sorry that you feel pissed bc I bet I know exactly how you are feeling.

 This. Losing our babies has changed us all and I absolutely cannot stand when people act like this. Acknowledge my children and loss dammit!!!!! It has been shocking to see how friends and family have acted during and after all this. Big hugs to whatever you choose.  

ally2011

If I were her, I would want to know I had hurt you.  I am sure she didn't mean to, and didn't know what to say, but I think it will be difficult to move past the resentment without addressing it.

Write a couple drafts of an email until you have the right balance of honesty and understanding.  She should know that she hurt you, that you understand it is hard to know what to say, and that you want to continue the friendship but needed her to know this.  Maybe share something about your son or your experience to make it more *real* for her.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Hugs,
Jenn