Essays/articles on miscarriage

killian09

I've found some of the essays and writing on miscarriage that people have shared here helpful to me at various points, so I thought I'd share two things I've read recently that resonated with me.

This series of essays in Slate discusses two women's experiences with miscarriage.  There are six short letters in the series, if you click "Next Entry" at the bottom of the page you can read them each in turn. 

https://www.slate.com/articles/arts/the_book_club/features/2003/motherhood_lost/alot_of_hush.html

 And this essay in the NYT I thought was also excellent:

https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/health/views/21case.html

 

panacea05

Fantastic reads. Thank you for sharing.

April!

Thanks for these. I had read the Slate ones before, but not the one from the NY Times. This really resonates with me:

"People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die."

Have you read About What Was Lost? I have read about half of it because it makes me so sad! But it helped.

panacea05

April!:

Thanks for these. I had read the Slate ones before, but not the one from the NY Times. This really resonates with me:

"People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die."

Have you read About What Was Lost? I have read about half of it because it makes me so sad! But it helped.

That's the part that really spoke to me, too. I shared it on FB and commented on that paragraph. 

killian09

April!:

Thanks for these. I had read the Slate ones before, but not the one from the NY Times. This really resonates with me:

"People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die."

Have you read About What Was Lost? I have read about half of it because it makes me so sad! But it helped.

 No I haven't read that book!  But it is actually in my shopping cart on Amazon.  I should go ahead and buy it.  Just need to figure out how to spend another $15 or whatever and get free shipping.    Thanks for the recommendation!

ETA: and yes that phrase "every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life" has been caught in my head since I first read the article.  About how the experience sticks to you. And the last paragraph made me tear up.  

April!

I'm debating posting this on FB and "coming out" about my miscarriage. My closest friends know, but my Mom is the only person in my family who does.

s.alarie

Thank you so much for sharing this. Those letters were beautifully written, like someone took my jumbled thoughts and put them to paper. 

killian09

April!:

I'm debating posting this on FB and "coming out" about my miscarriage. My closest friends know, but my Mom is the only person in my family who does.

I give big props to you Panacea and annarussell and others who have shared these things on facebook or with their wider circles of friends. I don't feel brave enough to do that; mostly I'm worried about the professional costs that are also described in one of the Slate letters. I work in a field of mostly men, and I don't want to be thought of as weak/distracted or that my work is compromised.  Sigh.  

I do think it would a huge step forward to make this a "normal" dialogue that was acceptable to talk about--like other types of grief/loss and health issues. But I'm not brave enough to "come out" and help us make the leap right now. 

s.alarie

**DS mentioned**

 

it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die.

I want to address both of these sentences.  To the first: meanders is the perfect word. I no longer feel pervasive sadness. I can get out of bed every day and appear to function like a "normal" person. Now, 8+ months out from my m/c, I feel a little twinge of something every now and then. Like, the what ifs and should have beens. Sometimes the twinges are more like ugly sobs, but you get the idea.

To the second: I had a healthy baby prior to my m/c. I think this makes it seem like a healthy baby will replace the one I lost. I am sure that is not the author's intent, but that is how I perceive it. I don't think I'll ever stop mourning what could have/should have been.

killian09

s.alarie:

To the second: I had a healthy baby prior to my m/c. I think this makes it seem like a healthy baby will replace the one I lost. I am sure that is not the author's intent, but that is how I perceive it. I don't think I'll ever stop mourning what could have/should have been.

I agree that a healthy baby won't erase what has happened.  I do think it would change my perspective on things.  Like how the two authors of the Slate letters acknowledged that they wouldn't have been able to come forward and write those essays if they weren't pregnant with their rainbow babies at the time.  I don't think a healthy baby will erase this grief--it has changed me in ways that I know cannot be changed back--but I do think it will change the nature of the grief. 

When I was in the triage room of the L&D floor having my first m/c, my nurse was an older, mostly retired woman who told me she had had 4 m/c's.  She told me it wouldn't really be better until I was holding a healthy baby in my arms. And even then, I wouldn't forget. But it would be better. I think/hope that she was right. 

katharine25

killian09:

s.alarie:

To the second: I had a healthy baby prior to my m/c. I think this makes it seem like a healthy baby will replace the one I lost. I am sure that is not the author's intent, but that is how I perceive it. I don't think I'll ever stop mourning what could have/should have been.

I agree that a healthy baby won't erase what has happened.  I do think it would change my perspective on things.  Like how the two authors of the Slate letters acknowledged that they wouldn't have been able to come forward and write those essays if they weren't pregnant with their rainbow babies at the time.  I don't think a healthy baby will erase this grief--it has changed me in ways that I know cannot be changed back--but I do think it will change the nature of the grief. 

When I was in the triage room of the L&D floor having my first m/c, my nurse was an older, mostly retired woman who told me she had had 4 m/c's.  She told me it wouldn't really be better until I was holding a healthy baby in my arms. And even then, I wouldn't forget. But it would be better. I think/hope that she was right. 

I hope that nurse has a true point I do hope I will be able to have a differernt perspective on loss after I can hold my take home baby. Right now the ever hanging fear is IF that will ever be able to happen, and it scares me to my core.

killian09

katharine25:

I hope that nurse has a true point I do hope I will be able to have a differernt perspective on loss after I can hold my take home baby. Right now the ever hanging fear is IF that will ever be able to happen, and it scares me to my core.

 Yeah.  The IF is terrifying.  I think it shook me more after my second loss. It is tied up in my feelings of grief and part of why I think it will be different if/once I do have a child. 

pinktrojanbride120107

Thank you for sharing these, I loved them!

JennOH85

Thanks for sharing these. While reading things like these is admittedly very hard--sometimes just the turn of a phrase hits so close to home--I'm insatiable when it comes to reading other people's experiences. I want to know more. I want to try to understand, as if by knowing enough, things could start to make sense. I know that won't happen, but it does make me feel less alone.

kaybuggy87

Thank you for sharing! Those were very well-written, and a lot of their sentiments were very true to how I have felt this week.

April!

I completely agree. I know the grief will never be completely gone, but it will be much better once I have a healthy pregnancy and baby. One of the worst parts of having a MC before having a living baby is the loss of ever having a purely joyful pregnancy. 

DrB10

Thanks for sharing!

KikiCohen

Thank you so much for sharing these.  It has been hard for me to have my loss be such a "public" event.  We had announced on FB after seeing the heartbeat.  The article in the second link really spoke to me about my feelings surrounding that issue.  Thank you again.