DH Dilemma

iris2717

I start work next Tuesday, working 8-5pm Mon-Fri.  Most days of the week, LO will be taken care of by my mother which is awesome.  On Thursdays, however, DH has his day off and would like to keep LO at home with him.  My dilemma is that DH really does not know how to care for LO.  Dont get me wrong, DH adores LO and is so proud of his little boy.  But DH has never had any experience with babies before LO and is really, really rough and hard on him.  He wants LO to be his "Big Boy" already and LO is only 11 weeks old!  He does okay changing diapers and playing with LO...but when LO is being fussy or crying, DH gets frustrated and stressed so easily and doesnt know how to deal with LO.  For example, the other day LO was upset and started crying a high-pitched cry he does when he is trying to get somebody to pick him up.  DH heard that and said, in a rather loud voice, to LO, "Dont cry like a girl!  Be a big boy!"  LO is just a baby!  I told DH that LO was too young to be spoken to in such a harsh tone and to relax and let him be a baby.  Another time DH was feeding LO on the boppy and LO was distracted with some shadows on the wall and was spilling formula.  DH got frustrated, took the bottle out of LO's mouth and put it away and said, "Well, if your not gonna eat then im not gonna feed you!"  LO started to fuss and wanted the bottle back and started crying and DH said, "No, no, no."  I was so irritated!  I told DH that LO was just a baby and he couldnt be "punished" for being distracted while eating.  I try to explain to DH that LO is just a baby still and we need to have patience and give him as much love and tenderness as possible.  I know he tries and he means well.  The last thing he would ever do is hurt or scold LO just to be mean, but I dont think he realizes how harsh he is.  It scares me to know that I will be leaving poor LO with him for close to 10 hours when I, honestly, am not comfortable yet to leave LO with him for more than about an hour at a time.  

Help!  Any advice? 

lawright

Are you worried that any lasting harm is going to come of this or just that LO and DH are going to frustrate each other to the point where one or both are going to end up crying?  One day of tension isn't going to hurt LO significantly, and it could be a very good learning experience.  I say, try it the first Thursday.  Ask your mom to call around lunch and offer to let DH drop LO off if he needs.  Ask DH to call your mom if he has problems.  And tell DH that it's a conditional one-day trial with the understanding that if his learning curve doesn't jump pretty high pretty fast, it's not going to happen again.

starswinger

Ha ha. I could have written this post last week! DH was doing the exact same thing with the spilling of formula and was yelling at when he cries. I came to find out he got frustrated because after a long day at work he came home to deal with a fuzzy baby. He was not seeing the cute playful times that make the harder times easier to handle.

At night and weekends when DH is home, I started giving LO to him when he was playful so he could have some fun. He has been better with him ever since.

mylittlesunshine

I am going to jump on here even though my second little one isn't due for a few more weeks.

One thing you will learn about your husband is that he might have a very different approach to doing things then you do. I am not trying to sound harsh, but men are just different then women when it comes to handling their children. Do I always agree with what DH does with DD...no. Sometimes he loses his patience with her and will get flustered and yell. I am not saying that it is ok to yell at your baby, but he will figure out another way to cope when he learns that yelling usually just ends up in baby being more upset and will find another way to do things.

 You said that you are worried because he doesn't know how to care for a baby. It might be too that for the time that you have been home, you have done most of the things for your baby, leaving him little time to find his own rhythm with how to take care of situations. I know that when I was on maternity leave I did most of the baby care and once I returned, DH took over a lot more on the weekends I had to be in the office. It took him awhile, but his patience and confidence grew and now he is wonderful.

I would suggest that if you are hoovering and telling him how to do things, maybe step back a little. Maybe before you go back, go get a massage or get coffee and let him have some time to be with your son without you there. Afterall, he needs to build that confidence that you have, which ususally comes with out us moms being there to tell him how to do things.

mben1119

The best way for your husband to learn how to be an effective parent is to let him.  You can't be there 24/7.  He is just as much of a parent as you are, so let him be.

robinbirdaz

2 suggestions--See if your mom would offer to DH to stop by Thursday and bring him some lunch. He will appreciate the meal, your mom can take care of baby while he eats and just generally check in on the situation. Win-win! Second, let DH take the lead on a few days this weekend in regards to LO's care. He needs to feel confident in his abilities to care for LO. Avoid hovering. He needs to figure out the best way to do things, and yes it will be different than you do. This is very important for him to feel confident and like a good father. Make sure to praise him even if he does something differently than you. My DH does a lot of things different, and I have actually learned a few tips and tricks fom him! He is better with bath and bedtime than I am. He somehow gets her pigtails perfect every time (while mine look horrendous!). You will learn to appreciate the differences in care, and it will be good for your relationship too. Good Luck!

makinithappen

I agree that if your H is wanting to be a parent, then let him.  He won't learn how to take care of him if he never gets to.  Also, moms and dads are very different and your son needs the dad side of it.  Moms can be there to baby them, but dads teach them how to be a man.  I understand that 11 weeks is young for all of that, but your husband will get the hang of it and it doesn't sound like he gets frusterated to the point of potentially huring your son.

iris2717

mylittlesunshine:

I am going to jump on here even though my second little one isn't due for a few more weeks.

One thing you will learn about your husband is that he might have a very different approach to doing things then you do. I am not trying to sound harsh, but men are just different then women when it comes to handling their children. Do I always agree with what DH does with DD...no. Sometimes he loses his patience with her and will get flustered and yell. I am not saying that it is ok to yell at your baby, but he will figure out another way to cope when he learns that yelling usually just ends up in baby being more upset and will find another way to do things.

 You said that you are worried because he doesn't know how to care for a baby. It might be too that for the time that you have been home, you have done most of the things for your baby, leaving him little time to find his own rhythm with how to take care of situations. I know that when I was on maternity leave I did most of the baby care and once I returned, DH took over a lot more on the weekends I had to be in the office. It took him awhile, but his patience and confidence grew and now he is wonderful.

I would suggest that if you are hoovering and telling him how to do things, maybe step back a little. Maybe before you go back, go get a massage or get coffee and let him have some time to be with your son without you there. Afterall, he needs to build that confidence that you have, which ususally comes with out us moms being there to tell him how to do things.

awesome advice.  thank you!