I'm flaming myself

Cheerilee

So BM has not once asked about SS in... 2 months?  She finally texted the day after his birthday "I hope you told my son happy birthday for me even though I don't celebrate birthdays."  No.  We didn't.  Otherwise, the only time we've heard from her is when she's called/texted to flirt with DH or ask why he never gave her a girl when that's what she really wanted.  She's not asked when we're coming back at any time when she knows we always travel the first two weeks of June between regular and summer school.

We're going "home" in a few weeks.  I have a very "if you don't ask, we won't tell" attitude about our visit.  If she doesn't care about calling to ask about SS, I don't want to make the contact to tell her we'll be there.  I know this is awful.  I'm just fed up and am tired of making the effort FOR her.  DH never wants to tell her when we're going back unless she asks because he's more fed up than I am.  Over Christmas, I made him call because I don't want it to come across that we're hindering her chance at visitation.   

I'll end this with - of course we'll do the right thing.  We'll contact her, tell her she needs to see him, set up the times and dates, drive him to her, wait for her at her house until she shows up 30 minutes late, give her ideas of what she can do to engage him, go through the toileting routines he's accustomed to so he won't have an accident, and pick him up.  When we pick him up, we'll have to settle him down because he'll want to leave immediately rather than taking the time to tell her goodbye.  We'll do this 3-4 times while back since she doesn't get overnight visits.  *sigh* 

Littlejen22

That sucks. How old is he?  And if you can say, why does she not have overnight or is it from lack of involvement?

Cheerilee

He's 8 but functions at about 3 a three-year-old level from what we can get from assessments but he has splinter skills.  He doesn't really expressively communicate with non-familiar people but his receptive language is on par.  He can read on grade level but his math skills are still at number recognition.  She lost overnights due to some issues with her other children through CPS 2.5 years ago.  She's getting some overnights with her other two now but not consistently.  DH has had sole legal/physical custody for 5-6 years.

It IS important that he see her so he can see his siblings and they can see him.  I just  can't stand how she acts "mother of the year" when we have to do SO much for her to even want to see him.  I've really been his only mother figure for several years and she gets under my skin. 

Cheerilee

Thank you, Wendi! That means a lot coming from you. I just feel catty and selfish on one hand and obligated on the other. After posting, I went and snugged with SS for a bit. Poor thing has a cold and wants to be held. He fell asleep while dripping snot on my shirt. That's the love of a mother and I know that

Nineoceans

Just keep in mind you aren't doing any of this for her you're doing it for your SS. No kid wants to know or feel like one of the people who created them doesn't care. Of nothing else this helps give him security and self esteem.

MarSamWhitney

I can not understand a mother saying she doesn't celebrate birthdays.  When I had LO, any excitement about MY bday diminished, and her birthday was the most important day of my life.  I can not wrap my head around a mother not giving a crap.  Your SS is so lucky to have you, you sound like a very admirable mother. 

Cheerilee

I can not understand a mother saying she doesn't celebrate birthdays.  When I had LO, any excitement about MY bday diminished, and her birthday was the most important day of my life.  I can not wrap my head around a mother not giving a crap.  Your SS is so lucky to have you, you sound like a very admirable mother. 

She was raised in a religion that doesn't celebrate any holidays.  Truly, that COULD have been a valid argument if she still followed that faith.  I just knew she was blowing smoke when she has posted on FB about her own birthday party as well as those of her other children. 

Just keep in mind you aren't doing any of this for her you're doing it for your SS. No kid wants to know or feel like one of the people who created them doesn't care. Of nothing else this helps give him security and self esteem.

 

Luckily, I don't think SS understands the idea of what makes you a bio-parent - or relation in general.  He knows people by "name".  So if my name is "mom" at home, then that's who I am (though, he did call me "mom" before DH ever did - I think it's because that's what his teachers referred to me as).  We call our parents AND grandparents grandma/grandpa.  To him, it's like knowing 4 Sarahs and 4 Toms.  It's not the relationship that makes the name like with most kids.  I don't think her lack of engagement in his life has hurt his security or self-esteem.  I guess that's one fortunate thing about him having autism.

I will say that I cheer a little bit on the inside when DH tells him "give mommy a kiss" when we bring him for a visit with BM and he comes to me  He never says it loud enough for BM to hear, though, to avoid any drama and hatred she could potentially harbor against me. 

Nineoceans

Obviously I don't know the situation but if he doesn't know her I would definitely not make the effort to see her then. If it benefits SS in no way then I would be making Bmom make all the effort to see him