your thoughts on tickling your *own* children...

groovygrl

there was a comment by someone about 'tickling being abuse' in that jillian michaels article (in the comments section of the actual people magazine article online, not on here) in people b/c she said something about her life being tickling & kisses.

I'm curious about thoughts on tickling. I realize that tickling can be an abuser's way of trying to get intimate in a 'fun' way and that people who work in child care or who have personal experiences with this have issues with tickling. However, I'm just wondering how people think about it when we're talking about your own children, not someone else with your children, and I don't mean like 10 year olds, but babies & toddlers.

I personally hate being tickled other than a light touch on my back or arm type of tickle. However, my kids love being tickled- I don't know this b/c they laugh, but because they ask to be tickled. Like if we tickle their belly or foot, they'll laugh & then ask us to do it again, or run away & laugh and come back and say "do it again!".  My DD in particular likes to have her back tickled (not aggressive laughing kind, just run fingers lightly kind of tickle). She will specifically ask me to tickle her back or MH to tickle her feet.   I have asked MH not to tickle them aggressively where they're laughing a lot b/c that is what I don't like about tickling, when you feel like you can't stop laughing/breathe.  But I know he just sees it as a fun affectionate thing and there is nothing sexual or anything like that, along the lines of kisses/cuddling/hugging. I think he would be really upset if someone ever insinuated to him that this was 'abuse' or that he had any sort of inappropriate motives.

So, thoughts? I really don't want to upset anyone who has a history of sexual abuse b/c I do understand that viewpoint, but in terms of just you & your LO's other parent (as long as you don't suspect that person of having any sort of weird motives), what are your thoughts? 

Anne Mommy

We tickle DS all the time. He loves it. He'll try to tickle us back- although he's not very good at it. It's a game to us. I don't see it as abuse. I definatly see how it could be a grooming behavior to lead to abuse. I would watch my kid if it was someone besides DH tickling him. I don't see it being a big deal for the parents to tickle.

NastyAnnie

We tickle. He loves it. I don't mind if other people tickle him, either. I've never even thought of it as a form of abuse.

CinemaGoddess

Tickling is only abuse if the kid really really really doesn't like it and the adult continues tickling.

Like screaming, trying to get away, is scared that the adult will tickle kind of really doesn't like it. 

wonkatalia

I guess I never thought of it like that.  I mostly tickle DD under her neck, on her arms and thighs.  DH tickles her tummy and she loves it.  I've never noticed anyone else tickle her and we usually stop once the laughter dies down.

I know when I was little, my dad would tickle me and I hated it.  He loved to make us squeal but at a certain point, tickling stops being fun.  It wasn't like abusive tickling, he just couldn't tell when I was tired of being tickled and needed a break.  So I learned to hate it altogether.

SGC29

I tickle DD. She finds it hilarious. If it bothered her however or she showed signs of being upset by it, I wouldn't do it. I also don't mind if family members tickle her. If a stranger tried to it would bother me. I just don't like strangers touching my kids though. 

pepomntpat

My father tickled me relentlessly. He would not stop when I wanted him to stop. He thought it was funny and it was not. I couldn't breathe, I was out of control, I peed my pants once or twice, but because I was laughing he thought I liked it. It was not funny.

I tickle Ro frequently though. She likes it. I am very, very mindful of when enough is enough. With Ro I will tickle for a few seconds and quit. If she wants me to keep going she will ask for more or grab my hand and bring it to her belly.  That is working well for us.

daisygirl2010

I've got no issues with tickling your kids if they enjoy it.  DD loves it.

It's always about intent.  Just like kissing your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  Hugging your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  KYIM?

LadybugPicnic2011

I tickle all three of my kids.  My oldest I typically get an exasperated "Mom!" from, my middle child laughs and laughs but doesn't leave when I warn something like move your feet or I'm going to tickle you.  The baby gets tickled on her feet or under her chin and then she will hold the foot out to be tickled again or throw her head back to be tickled again.

I think it is dependent on the situation. 

 

Mrs.adambabycakes

I have no issues tickling my own LO, or if family does.   

ASmallWonder

If a kid enjoys the tickling, it's fine.  Tickling to torment a kid who hates it is wrong.  Aiden loves to be tickled usually.  He'll give me this little look and then slowly raise his arm up because he knows I pounce on exposed "pitters."   But some days he says "No touch" and I respect that.

[Deleted User]

CinemaGoddess:

Tickling is only abuse if the kid really really really doesn't like it and the adult continues tickling.

Like screaming, trying to get away, is scared that the adult will tickle kind of really doesn't like it. 

This.  And OP, I don't see anything wrong with your DH aggressively tickling as long as he stops when it needs to stop.  I can see you not wanting it to happen, but I think the objection is more the not stopping, not the tickling itself. 

pepomntpat

daisygirl2010:

I've got no issues with tickling your kids if they enjoy it.  DD loves it.

It's always about intent.  Just like kissing your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  Hugging your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  KYIM?

I don't think it is just about intent. My father definitely is not a sexual predator and not particularly abusive, though he is thoughtless. It was still not a good experience for me.  Like I said, because I was laughing he thought it was funny, but for me at least laughing when being tickled is a reflex and I couldn't control it. Sexual abuse aside, people should be careful about tickling, because you can't always tell when your child really likes it or not.

Tickling is fun, but in small doses and should be initiated by the child. 

ByeBabyBunting

NastyAnnie:

We tickle. He loves it. I don't mind if other people tickle him, either. I've never even thought of it as a form of abuse.

This.

We had a family friend who used to pretend to try and pick our noses - now that's abuse!!!

 

Emmerbemmers

I read the book Superbaby by Dr. Jen Berman and she said that tickling can be disrespectful to your child because you are exerting control without consent. I thought that was a little extreme of a view but it did make me think about being careful when tickling to try to follow his cues and respect boundaries too. 

FrickandFrack

Anne Mommy:

We tickle DS all the time. He loves it. He'll try to tickle us back- although he's not very good at it. It's a game to us. I don't see it as abuse. I definatly see how it could be a grooming behavior to lead to abuse. I would watch my kid if it was someone besides DH tickling him. I don't see it being a big deal for the parents to tickle.

This.

amykins1283

Liam loves being tickled, especially on his back and belly and he loves to try and tickle us as well.  As long as you keep it to appropriate body parts and don't do it excessively (as in, if the child asks you to stop or seems to be upset then you stop) then it's completely harmless fun.

andreagb

SGC29:

I tickle DD. She finds it hilarious. If it bothered her however or she showed signs of being upset by it, I wouldn't do it. I also don't mind if family members tickle her. If a stranger tried to it would bother me. I just don't like strangers touching my kids though. 

THIS

rlyttle

If you miss out on tickling your children, I feel sorry for you! It's the best! 

groovygrl

pepomntpat:

daisygirl2010:

I've got no issues with tickling your kids if they enjoy it.  DD loves it.

It's always about intent.  Just like kissing your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  Hugging your kids is a good thing - unless you have some horrible, inappropriate motive.  KYIM?

I don't think it is just about intent. My father definitely is not a sexual predator and not particularly abusive, though he is thoughtless. It was still not a good experience for me.  Like I said, because I was laughing he thought it was funny, but for me at least laughing when being tickled is a reflex and I couldn't control it. Sexual abuse aside, people should be careful about tickling, because you can't always tell when your child really likes it or not.

Tickling is fun, but in small doses and should be initiated by the child. 

Thanks all- I totally agree with this (and I'm sorry that you had that experience w/ your dad) & I guess this is my fear with the tickling issue- MH does not tickle them relentlessly at all. I would immediately put a stop to it if I ever felt like my kids were trying to get away or something (which they're not since they keep asking for it). I guess when I saw that statement "tickling is abuse & I wish these sites would realized it" or whatever on there, I was like wth?!  Also I know someone who had a male relative who tickled his daughter's back at a public event once, not for very long I don't think & someone there called the authorities and I believe he may have had his rights with her restricted (I think he was divorced). I don't know the whole story & she was older (8-10 maybe?) and I don't think she was protesting or anything like that but the person observing it thought it was inappropriate I guess and decided to call the police. I don't know the whole story but I guess this made me think of that & how it is so easy to have motives & actions misinterpreted with something we think of as just being affectionate. 

 

seahorse102410

I absolutely HATE being tickled.  HATE.  So I'm sensitive to mine if he doesn't like it.

insertclevername

I pretend my hand is a bee and make a buzzing noise and then quickly tickle LO on his stomache or under his arm.  When I start making the buzzing noise he knows it is coming and will sometimes even do it himself.  Otherwise I don't really tickle him.  He is too little to let me know if it bothers him and since my DH hates being tickled I am mindful that LO could be the same way. 

I don't see tickling as abuse unless it is done in a malicious manner or persists even though it is unwanted.

scoutkate

I'm pretty anti-tickle, myself, mostly because I hate it.  The maddest I've ever been at DH is once when he held me down and tickled me and wouldn't stop.  He thought that because I was laughing, I was okay with it.  I did laugh because I couldn't help it--but I also felt completely helpless and victimized.  I know that sounds silly, but any situation in which you are being held down and forced to endure something physically unpleasant is just not OK. 

So I am very sensitive about tickling Betsy.  I will only lightly tickle her back and arms, and when DH tickles her I hover and make him stop at the slightest indication that she's had enough.  However, she loves it.  She also love to tickle us. 

Ardmhs83

NastyAnnie:

We tickle. He loves it. I don't mind if other people tickle him, either. I've never even thought of it as a form of abuse.

This...

Wufroggy79

I can see how it can get creepy as you are older, but right now we tickle her.  She thinks it is hilarious.

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synchrosally

We love tickling. DS asks to be tickled and if you stop, he'll ask you to tickle him again. He also loves to tickle us. I think as long as the child enjoys it, and it's done out of love, there's no problem with it. Maybe as the child gets older you need to define what is ok, and what is not ok in case they encounter the "grooming" kind of tickling.

Also, it's sad that our society has come to this. You can't even have a tickle fight with your own kids without getting the side eye.

ABColeslaw

Dude.  Whatever.   I tickle Asher all the time.  He loves it. 

ASmallWonder

ABColeslaw:

Dude.  Whatever.   I tickle Asher all the time.  He loves it. 

Just don't tickle like Nana did and it's all good.  Damn pointy fingers all up in people's ribs  :-p

gisa886

My husband and both kids are super ticklish and I'm not at all. I tickle H while I put her lotion on. I sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and tickle her belly. She will tickle our feet or bellies. She has also started to tickle O. When I was a kid my uncle would check everyone for cooties before bed when we had sleepovers. Those were some of my best memories. 

kje120

I tickle DS all the time and he loves it. He'll start cracking up before I even touch him.  I never thought about it being misconstrued as abuse.

grr_aargh

We tickle affectionately.  The rule in our house is that always, always, ALWAYS you stop any physical contact when the person being touched says stop.  Tickles are the same.  You never ever tickle, wrestle, hug, tap, or anything when the person being touched says no. 

If our kids said they didn't like being tickled, we wouldn't do it.

 

The issue isn't tickling per se, I think.  The issue is touching someone when they don't want it.  

delg23

I'm not into tickling but I only think tickling is abuse if it is done in a private area. A waitress tickled my son on the neck and I was happy because she was keeping him happy. I gave her a bigger tip. It was not abuse. 

ATMmom324

We tickle DD and she loves it.  She also loves it when you blow raspberries on her arms or stomach.  Thinking about it now I feel a little bad about it because if anyone, even DH, blew a raspberry on me I would be rather disgusted.

ali_bl-nov05

Tickling as a form of abuse: one of those things that you never hear until TB.

Yeah, when the kid asks you to stop, you stop. Ticlking is not abusive per se, but it can be.

ChristinaDawn

I really never thought about it like this.  We tickle DS and he laughs and now tries to tickle us too.  He also says "tickle" and tickle himself lol.  He clearly likes it.  If he ever showed any negativity towards it, we would obviously stop.