Update: I'm a meanie - I just freaked out my BFF

BootsOrHearts

She has had no clue how to deal with this situation, other than calling once and saying 'I'm sorry, let me know if you need anything from me' and that was about it. She doesn't have kids and has never been pregnant, not sure she even wants kids. She's been pretty much avoiding me the whole time. She never asked any questions about the m/c so I said nothing.

Today she sent me an IM at work (we work at the same company but in different cities) and just said 'hey how's it going?' and I sent back 'Well let's see I'm on prozac, seeing a therapist and attending a support group for couples who have had miscarriages and none of that his helping much. Did I tell you that my son was born after 48 hours of labor and I held him in my arms and cried? We named him Harrison Gray. He was perfect in every way. We are putting a headstone in the cemetery for him this week so he'll always be remembered'.

That was 30 mins ago and she hasn't replied yet. I feel bad but yet, I don't. She's my friend and she is supposed to be there for me.

 

Update: I followed up with 'Sorry, I guess what I need is just to be able to talk about it with you'. A long IM convo then ensued and she gave me her thoughts on loss and hardship as taken from The Black Swan, a book she had just read about probabilities (I know, she's a total geek, but the worst part was, I had read it too and knew what she was talking about).  She's going to come and stay with us for a bit after we move houses in a few weeks. So, I feel a bit bad but it was a good way to break the ice and get her ok with me talking about it. I spared her the most gory medical details in telling my story, figured I would save those for when she is here and we are polishing off a bottle of wine on the patio.

Thank you ladies for all your comments, suggestions, and general support. What would I do without you? Hugs to all!

AngnShaun

{{HUGS}} im so sorry. 

shanrob

I totally understand how you feel.  Just remember something, though, that has helped me:  We really and truly can't expect everyone to completely understand our loss.  Well meaning people just don't know what to say.  The don't want to upset us, so they don't bring it up.  They want to make us feel "normal" again, without realizing that we never will.  I think it's right for you to say something to your friend if you are hurt, but be careful of being too harsh and severing a relationship with someone who loves you, but just isn't sure how to handle your loss.

Laurakat81

(((hugs))) You're not a meanie and it sounds like your BFF deserved the "freak out" as you put it. I know it makes people uncomfortable but just saying they don't know what to say is better than pretending nothing happened. 

raashton

I am so sorry that you haven't gotten the support that you deserve!

psychmajormom

You are in no way a meanie sweets! You had every right to say what you did! ((((huge hugs))))

uneek1323

I'm so sorry. BIG HUGS! I've learned through this that many people don't know what to do or say. That's not en excuse but it is what it is. My best friend hasn't been there for me either and it's been very hurtful, but I've also realized that she hasn't been there for me during any rough time in my life. I think she just doesn't know how to deal with it.

We're here for you! 

dtowngirl

Look at it this way.. at least she's not giving you stupid advice... or saying things like.. "did you lift something heavy" and "were you taking prenatal vitamins" and other stupid comments I've heard from people. I agree with Jenek and think that if you tell her what you need from her she'll be there in the way you want her to be there. 

HopingforChange

Female friends being crappy was a surprisingly painful part of my loss experience.  Sometimes, people just don't know what to do, and they often don't try very hard to find out. Instead, they just ignore the situationa nd hope it will go away (which, of course, it does not).  I am sorry your friend didn't acknowledge your pain.  I hope she does now, and just remember to be gentle with yourself and with her.  You are not mean; you are understandably frustrated and alone.  Friends should share sorrows too.

ConnieRob

I'm so sorry especially since this is your BFF and someone you should be able to count on.  I'm sure that she just doesn't know what to say and assumes if she talks about Harrison that it will just upset you. People don't realize that we want to talk about our babies. Hopefully she'll figure that out soon.

 

(((hugs))) 

DaisyZH

I really don't think you are a meanie, I think you were just being honest.  If I received that IM I would feel awful for you and step my support up, which hopefully she will now do. 

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, (( Hugs ))

funny bunny

shanrob:

I totally understand how you feel.  Just remember something, though, that has helped me:  We really and truly can't expect everyone to completely understand our loss.  Well meaning people just don't know what to say.  The don't want to upset us, so they don't bring it up.  They want to make us feel "normal" again, without realizing that we never will.  I think it's right for you to say something to your friend if you are hurt, but be careful of being too harsh and severing a relationship with someone who loves you, but just isn't sure how to handle your loss.

 

This. All of this! 

klbowie

I do not think this was being mean at all.  This is something I would do.  Being that she is your BFF she should know how your are, how you would react to her lack of actions, and should be there for you. 

My "BFF" has been horrible during this time too.  Every time I talk to my BFF or my sister about the lack of support from everyone, they always have an excuse for them.  It really pisses me off.  They tell me its just really uncomfortable for them.  Really?!?!  Uncomfortable? That is why the are avoiding the subject.  Well it is down right painful for us and someone showing they at least care goes a long way.  (Sorry about my little rant)

I do not think you should have to walk around on egg-shells with you BFF.  What you said is how you felt and there should be no apologizies for this.  Honestly, during this hard time worrying about your BFF is not something you should have to.  Especially, since it feels like she is not caring about your feelings right now.    During the hard times, you really find out who are your true friends.   I hope things get better with your friend and she steps up and is your BFF again.

khays8785

I second all the PP's... definitely not mean, and it sucks that the people you expect the most support from, most likely can't provide what you really need because they have no way to understand where you are... I was especially disappointed in my BFF who had a cp 2 months ago... It's like she followed the script of "what NOT to say to someone who just had a mc"

I hate that we're all in this place, but I'm so grateful for the support from here!

(((HUGS)))

shellyco

I'm glad you guys could work through it.  No one understands until they've been there, unfortunately.