the big questions

baby&thesea

I think right now I'm grappling with these big philosophical questions and it's almost preventing me from grieving my last loss and moving on. Just wondering if anyone else is struggling with this?

I guess I was one of those people who believed that life begins at conception and now I just feel confused and angry.  I'll save you the details of the questions I'm going over in my head, but I feel like I may be questioning my beliefs and faith in some ways. Does/has anyone else feel/felt this way? Have you come to any answers about your own big questions? 

shanrob

I think everyone kind of deals with this differently.  Some cling to their faith, and some wander away from it, feeling like it is hard to imagine a "higher power" that is willing to give faithful people a gift, then snatch it away.  I have struggled with this, and going to church is still an emotional thing for me.  I would suggest giving it some time.  It is raw in the beginning, so don't feel like you have to make any decisions right now about what you believe or how to proceed with your faith.  Big hugs.

BootsOrHearts

I've probably gone the other way. I didn't really think of a fetus a person until they were born, or at least, viable (i.e. 28 weeks). But when we got to see our little guy, who was only 18 weeks, we know he was a person as much as any other person is. He was real, he was our son, and he's gone.

DaisyZH

shanrob:

I think everyone kind of deals with this differently.  Some cling to their faith, and some wander away from it, feeling like it is hard to imagine a "higher power" that is willing to give faithful people a gift, then snatch it away.  I have struggled with this, and going to church is still an emotional thing for me.  I would suggest giving it some time.  It is raw in the beginning, so don't feel like you have to make any decisions right now about what you believe or how to proceed with your faith.  Big hugs.

This exactly.  I go back and forth sometimes from one extreme to the other.  ((hugs))  

kelly321

shanrob:

I think everyone kind of deals with this differently.  Some cling to their faith, and some wander away from it, feeling like it is hard to imagine a "higher power" that is willing to give faithful people a gift, then snatch it away.  I have struggled with this, and going to church is still an emotional thing for me.  I would suggest giving it some time.  It is raw in the beginning, so don't feel like you have to make any decisions right now about what you believe or how to proceed with your faith.  Big hugs.

I agree. I think it's very normal to get angry and question why this has happened to you or why it happens at all. You are not the first and you will not be the last to struggle with this, if that gives you any comfort. I don't know what your faith is, but I know there are tons of Christian books dealing with similar questions (I assume the same is true for many other faiths), and I would just encourage you to turn to those and see if they can provide you with any satisfying answers.

baby&thesea

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I tend to be a "fixer" and a perfectionist so I think I'm pressuring myself to come up with answers and decide how I feel. The first time was easier somehow. In my head we had lost our baby. It was a person, I named him/her in my head, I thought about the baby all the time, and I was still grieving the loss of that baby when this happened for the second time. When it happened the first time I approached it the same way I think I would approach the death of anyone close to me. No, it wasn't fair, but that baby was with God and it was ok. I was unbelievably sad about it, but I thought that somehow the baby just wasn't ever intended to be ours on earth. Now that we're coping with almost the exact same scenario I feel lost. I'm questioning whether it was really a baby or whether it was an unfortunate trick of biology. And that makes me feel guilty because if it was really a baby with a little soul like I thought the first one was than I haven't given this one neary as much love, energy, and mourning as I did the last one.

I suppose at some point I'll come to an understanding that I feel is enough, it might just take me some time to get there. 

BootsOrHearts

baby&thesea:

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I tend to be a "fixer" and a perfectionist so I think I'm pressuring myself to come up with answers and decide how I feel. The first time was easier somehow. In my head we had lost our baby. It was a person, I named him/her in my head, I thought about the baby all the time, and I was still grieving the loss of that baby when this happened for the second time. When it happened the first time I approached it the same way I think I would approach the death of anyone close to me. No, it wasn't fair, but that baby was with God and it was ok. I was unbelievably sad about it, but I thought that somehow the baby just wasn't ever intended to be ours on earth. Now that we're coping with almost the exact same scenario I feel lost. I'm questioning whether it was really a baby or whether it was an unfortunate trick of biology. And that makes me feel guilty because if it was really a baby with a little soul like I thought the first one was than I haven't given this one neary as much love, energy, and mourning as I did the last one.

I suppose at some point I'll come to an understanding that I feel is enough, it might just take me some time to get there. 

 

Don't beat yourself up for thinking you are grieving too much or too little, it's different for every person and every loss.

ct103

A while back someone posted an article a while back about how they deal with miscarriage in Japan. They have a temple for miscarried babies and even a word for them in their vocabulary. Can anybody link this article? It really helped me, but I don't know where to look.

 OP, we all have different feelings about this. Each one of us has been helped in some way by either words, music, art, etc. I'm well aware that Bunny was not even considered a fetus yet. But I miss the idea of her. I think that's very common in early loss.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I really hope you find your peace soon.

ahbEsq

I am dealing with the same questions such as when does life begin.  My loss was very early and I never had an ultrasound to confirm so I don't know whether a baby developed or it was just a trick of biology as PP stated.  Not knowing the answer to that question also makes me wonder about the afterlife.  No answers, just lots of questions.  But these philosophical questions haven't changed my faith at all, which has stayed as strong as it was before the loss.

JennOH85

There are some questions we'll never be able to answer.

I know that for some, this experience has helped them grow in their faith. For me, it's been completely the opposite. I still believe in God, but I don't believe he'll intervene in my life. Maybe he can't, maybe that's against the rules. I never thought I believed in a puppet-master kind of God, but looking back on it, I guess I did. I thought God controlled everything, and if that was the case, then that has to mean he had control over what happened to me and to all of us. The first few days after my mc I went to church every day only because I wanted to confront God. I was so angry that I had to go, I had to face him. What did I feel? Nothing. So I stopped going. 

My doctor told me there was nothing I could have done to prevent my mc. The question then becomes, if there's nothing I can do to change things, why bother? Life and death have always been out of my hands and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can make peace with it. I still haven't, but I'm working on it. Maybe I'll feel differently as time goes on, but this is where I'm at now. 

I don't mean to be a negative nancy, I'm just offering another perspective. Wishing you peace and comfort, though, as you work through these hard questions.  

DaisyZH

baby&thesea:

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I tend to be a "fixer" and a perfectionist so I think I'm pressuring myself to come up with answers and decide how I feel. The first time was easier somehow. In my head we had lost our baby. It was a person, I named him/her in my head, I thought about the baby all the time, and I was still grieving the loss of that baby when this happened for the second time. When it happened the first time I approached it the same way I think I would approach the death of anyone close to me. No, it wasn't fair, but that baby was with God and it was ok. I was unbelievably sad about it, but I thought that somehow the baby just wasn't ever intended to be ours on earth. Now that we're coping with almost the exact same scenario I feel lost. I'm questioning whether it was really a baby or whether it was an unfortunate trick of biology. And that makes me feel guilty because if it was really a baby with a little soul like I thought the first one was than I haven't given this one neary as much love, energy, and mourning as I did the last one.

I suppose at some point I'll come to an understanding that I feel is enough, it might just take me some time to get there. 

That is exactly how I felt about my second loss.  My first loss was very sudden and painful, I grieved right away and very deeply.  My second loss was much more gradual, it wasn't super painful and it took about 2 weeks to confirm I was actually miscarrying.  At first I didn't grieve like I did with my first loss because it was just so confusing and I didn't feel the same way and didn't have the same healing process.  As time has gone on I have fully grieved my second loss as well, it just kind of snuck up on me.  With the first one it was a lot of anger and despair, with the second it has been more an overwhelming sadness as time goes on.

Please don't beat yourself up or feel like you didn't treat or love this one as much as your first loss.  I know I still pray for my angel babies every day and I will for the rest of my life.  That is a lot of love to both of them, even if it took me a while longer to grieve the second time.   As time goes on and you are able to better process everything you will mourn and heal in your own individual way and time.  ((Hugs)) to you, I sincerely wish you the best in finding your way spiritually.

baby&thesea

JennOH85:

There are some questions we'll never be able to answer.

I know that for some, this experience has helped them grow in their faith. For me, it's been completely the opposite. I still believe in God, but I don't believe he'll intervene in my life. Maybe he can't, maybe that's against the rules. I never thought I believed in a puppet-master kind of God, but looking back on it, I guess I did. I thought God controlled everything, and if that was the case, then that has to mean he had control over what happened to me and to all of us. The first few days after my mc I went to church every day only because I wanted to confront God. I was so angry that I had to go, I had to face him. What did I feel? Nothing. So I stopped going. 

My doctor told me there was nothing I could have done to prevent my mc. The question then becomes, if there's nothing I can do to change things, why bother? Life and death have always been out of my hands and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can make peace with it. I still haven't, but I'm working on it. Maybe I'll feel differently as time goes on, but this is where I'm at now. 

I don't mean to be a negative nancy, I'm just offering another perspective. Wishing you peace and comfort, though, as you work through these hard questions.  

Don't feel like you're a negative nancy! It was interesting to hear a different perspective and I think what I'm feeling/thinking is kind of similar to where you are in some ways. I'm realizing more and more that I won't be able to figure out "the plan." Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I still know in my heart that I need to trust in God, but it's hard.