Thoughts? Am I delusional?

karatechrissy

Can I get your thoughts on extending an olive branch?

This stems from our sermon in church this week. We have been in a series of talking about relationships an community. Anyway, this week was on making relationships right that you know are wrong. Making effort with people who you maybe can't stand, or who you have had years of turmoil with. My pastor said something thr sort of struck a cord with me. He said 'I don't care if you are saying "but Pastor! This person has burned me multiple times, why must I keep trying?" God has put these kind of people in your life for a reason, let him use them in your life'.  There was a lot more, and I felt like every time he wa trying to get a specific point across he was looking right at me. I'm sure in a congregation of 200 he totally was only talking to me this week ;-). 

 My point: I'm considering inviting BM and her new 'boyfriend' over for dinner. I have reservations, yes, but my gut is telling me this guy (ya its only been a couple of weeks, but they have already proclaimed they are madly 'in love' with eachother and that they are 'destined' to be together) might be around for at least a little while. Is already leaving SS alone w him and then the BF is dropping him w her parents right before his bed time. Even after H's text last week about meeting him hasn't happened yet. I know my H would be more comfortable I this situation he cannot control if he at least shook this guys hand. 

Im not saying it would be next week, and I'm definitely not saying the past will be forgiven and forgotten and that BM and I will be besties, I just thought maybe an olive branch of dinner with the two of them might start things out nicer than having all this tension and animosity starting at the very beginning. The  Past 3 yrs w her now ex-H were hell. I don't want to go through restraining orders and modifying the CO an calling CPS w this new guy if we can do something to prevent it in the beginning. I just don't want to go through everything again. I can't mentally handle it. I suppose if it's going to happen it will, but maybe offering a 'truse' will help encourage her to co-parent and be a decent person when dealing w my husband. Maybe even make her think 'hmm, maybe BD won't like if I do this'. Am I hoping for too much? I'm so exhausted from dealing with super douche for the past 3 years I don't think I have it in me to do it again if this guy turns out even half as crazy as he was. 

Min terms of time, I was thinking in 2 weeks after SS is out of school. And if he is still with her it will have been a solid month of dating. Reasonable? Am I hoping for too much? :-/ 

Holly_1007

I don't know a lot of your history with the ex but honestly, if you can put a good foot forward and show you are doing for the best interest of SS I don't see why not.  what does DH think about the idea?

I contemplated doing something like this with BM, then her true colors came out one night when she called me up and flipped out at me, name calling, cursing, etc.  I have zero desire to ever be involved in a conversation with her again.  

MarSamWhitney

I don't think its a bad idea, per se.  What does your H think, or did I miss that part? I would almost suggest just going to a diner or something, in case it gets akward.  It honestly can not hurt to try, and your pastor is right.

 

Also, why is the minister always talking to me too? I swear, every darn week. lol.

karatechrissy

When I say the last 3 yrs were hell, I mean it. We have 50/50 custody but his ex SD wanted to be boss. SS would come home telling us he isn't allowed to love the dogs bc they aren't his, couldn't be friends w the kids at our house, said DH wasn't his daddy and that SD was etc... The list is a mile long. Along w the mental abuse he continuously (along w BM) made him shoot guns in the desert at 4, 5 years old, rode him around on the motorcycle with no helmet, let him ride quades w no helmet (causing a trip to the ER when his head was split open from an accident on the quad whn he was barely 3). He has been to our house waving guns around threatening our family, police have been out for that. We were in court most of last yr trying to establish a protection order against him. He has threatened both of us and my children in writing on FB. He was calling and harassing me or a while... All that added with so many domestic violence calls to BM's house it's been a nightmare. SS has had to be removed from there in the middle of the night bc of the crazy. All this (and that's just a few things) and we still were unable to obtain a TPO against him. CPS was a waste of time. They told my H on the phone that SS had to end up in ICU or dead before they would persue our case any further. We had to serve BM w papers bc she bought SS a riffle (a real riffle) or Christmas when he was 4. Shebhas diagnosed borderline personality disorder. She has made her hate for me pretty well known, but I've never been disrespectful to her or ugly, and have swallowed my pride and been cordial with her for the sake of SS. We have had a couple of heart to hearts in the past 4 yrs, but every time she has reverted back to being her hateful self. 

I don't expect us to all be singing kumbuya (sp? Lol) at the camp fire, but it's been pulling at my heart to at least try to start w the best foot forward. And if it ends up crazy again, we can at least say we tried... KWIM? I dont trust BM w a 10 foot pole, but I'd be willing to be the bigger person and try if it meant a better co-parenting relationship between her and my H for the sake of SS.  

Phantomgirl

I think your pastor is delusional.  Their is no purpose to having toxic people in your life.  Don't harm then or shont shun them but don't keep going back = common sense in my opinion.

However, given that she is SS BM I would say go for it. Whats the worst that can happen lol?

CFjo2010

I'm always a fan of extending the olive branch.  I have tried several times over the last 4 years to make "peace offerings" to BM.  Do I expect her and I to be BFFs?  No.  I just want the hositility, games and bitterness from BM to stop so that K doesn't suffer.  She's never accepted any invites for coffee or dinner, although oddly enough her ex-BF was super excited at the idea of coming over for a homecooked meal.

Worst case scenario: You extend an olive branch and invite BM and her BF to dinner and she says "no".  Or they come over and spend the evening bashing you and your husband.  Best case scenario:  Everyone is able to sit around the dinner table and the kids see everyone getting along.  If BM declines the invite, at least you know you tried.

Hopeforthebest

Your heart is in the right place, but your head knows better.

Reread your synopsis - not only does it detail all the crazy that BM ALLOWED and CONTRIBUTED to the last 3 years, I am remembering topless bronco riding photo posts you wrote about, the revolving door of suitors, etc, etc, etc.

Personally I would think your family time is precious and you wouldn't want to affiliate yourself with such classless trash.

THAT being said, your DH could call man to man and suggest they meet for drinks or something and that might put his mind at ease, meeting the dude. I would NOT include the BM.

Personally her history doesn't lend itself to her changing for the better, but we can always hope!

 

Schrodinger

I can see your pastor's point, but I do think that you *might* be delusional for rushing into this with someone with BPD.  A relationship with a BPD person does not work without boundaries.  I would put some serious thoughts into what your boundaries are before you invite her and her BF into your home.  In a way, this is still working on your relationship.

I'd also consider starting with things that didn't require a large amount of time directly with her.  Maybe decorate cupcakes with SS and give some to her and her BF at transition.  Or pass along a book if you think she'd enjoy reading it.  Lend her a DVD of SS's favorite show if she doesn't have it.  Find out when BF's birthday is and take SS shopping for something small.  Stuff like that.  You're still making an effort to show that you are thinking about her and working on a relationship, but still leaves you emotionally protected.

Littlejen22

Phantomgirl:

I think your pastor is delusional.  Their is no purpose to having toxic people in your life.  Don't harm then or shont shun them but don't keep going back = common sense in my opinion.

However, given that she is SS BM I would say go for it. Whats the worst that can happen lol?

This. At least if they come you will meet the guy. That said  only do it if your DH can keep it civil and never. Ring up issues while they are over. A d Tif is right, their might be a new guy every few weeks but at least you can try. But please do it for SS and not your dilusional pastor. 

bebe11

This person has burned me multiple times, why must I keep trying?" God has put these kind of people in your life for a reason, let him use them in your life'

I am not a religious person, but I strongly disagree with the above statement.

However, I think extending the olive branch to BM again, isn't horrible.  I totally get wanting to meet her boyfriend, as he is around SS a lot. I would probably make the first meeting less formal, if at all possible.  If he won't get out of his truck to say hi, he probably won't have a meal with you guys.  I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. I REALLY hope this guy isn't a douche.

SWmama

Phantomgirl:

I think your pastor is delusional.  Their is no purpose to having toxic people in your life.  Don't harm then or shont shun them but don't keep going back = common sense in my opinion.

However, given that she is SS BM I would say go for it. Whats the worst that can happen lol?

This exactly. I also want to add that SS's BM is a fairly normal, stable individual and we've never shared a meal in the 6 years that DH and I have been together. But them again we're both pretty big on "boundaries." 

karatechrissy

Thank you for your replies. Wendi, and Jen, I don't want dinners w every random guy that's around that's for sure. Lol. I dunno, I guess part of it is a bit selfish in that I don't want anyone to ever be able to point the finger and say we didnt try, we made things difficult. Maybe like someone suggested it won't be in our home, maybe more of a casual lunch somewhere. I would wait a bit to even bring the idea up to see if this guy will be around, but as it stands he holds the record so far. Like someone said, they may not even agree to it. For all we know this guy doesn't want to meet DH. I haven't even brought it up to DH yet. I kinda wanted to 'consult' w you ladies and get your input if this is even an idea I should bother entertaining. Maybe in a few weeks if they haven't met I'll suggest something. I'll ride it out a bit first like you guys said. Thank you!

Ooglybear

I haven't read the other responses, so I don't know if this has already been suggested.

I would recommend inviting them OUT to eat w/ y'all (vs dinner at your house) b/c that is neutral territory.

Coming from someone who has done this and succeeded, I would say go for it. I was also convicted by a sermon to extend the olive branch.

I would not expect everything to suddenly be fixed. I would make sure the conversation is guided delicately: talk about future, not past; talk positively about SS; try to offer a compliment to BM at some point. 

kali55

I say go for it!  This woman is going to be a fixture in your life so wouldn't it be a little easier if everyone got along?  

We had a volatile relationship with bm until about a month ago when we invited her for a coffee and it turned out wonderfully.  We still don't see eye to eye but it opened the door for some mutual respect.  DH and I are aware that this new relationship could be tenuous, but we are enjoying the peace at the present. 

EDIT: I should have said, go for it as long as you and your family are comfortable and have boundaries with BM.  I'm not familiar with your entire backstory, but I think it is lovey that you would consider offering an olive branch to someone who has been so disruptive to your life.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  She can respond poorly but you have made the effort

Nineoceans

First, I think your pastor is right and I've always subscribed to that belief. However you finding peace with her doesn't necessarily mean having her around or involving her in that process. Maybe he just means you need to come to peace with what she's done in the past and keep loving and kind thoughts to her going forward. I think your olive branch could be you know in your heart that you accept what she has done and won't let the things she does going forward upset you.