Sudden personality change in DH?
cmsdouglas
member
My DH has always been the sweetest, most loving husband and father I could imagine. He's always anticipated my needs and taken really good care of me. He's been the same with LO. He's been taking care of her while I'm at work since his semester is finished.
Fast forward to today - I call during my pumping break and he's really frustrated because she's been crying since I left and won't take the bottle and he can't calm her down. I try to calm him down and he starts to talk about what a horrible daddy he is and then turns to her (she's apparently stopped crying and started smiling) and telling her (while I'm on the phone) that she doesn't love him and she won't do anything he wants her to do. He sounds really angry.
Now, I know that DH would never hurt LO - he's just not capable - he loves her too much. But out of my mouth popped "I think maybe you should call someone to come help you". It was mean because it implied that I don't trust him and I regretted it the instant I said it. He hung up on me and wouldn't answer my calls. Whenever I tried to text him throughout the day the only replies I got were "I'm not reading any of your texts. I don't want to talk to you" or "F-- off, b--". COMPLETELY out of character.
I got home to a note on the table telling me not to talk to him, that he was going to go work out, gave me a list of chores (I have to feed her, bathe her, and get her ready for a dinner by 6:00, too), and told me that he would be leaving the house at 5 am and it was my responsibility to find child care since I "made it clear I don't trust [him]". This is End of Grade test week at school. The only way you are excused from work is if you have the bubonic plague. He knows this and he knows that everybody I've called to take care of her next year is completely full and that I'm completely at a loss as to where she's going to stay (we're in NC, our closest family is in TX, so that's not a option).
This is SO unlike him and it has me really worried about his mental state. Has anybody seen anything like this happening before? How do I go about getting him help, since he obviously won't listen to me and would probably just get even more mad if I brought it up that I was worried?
I'm at a loss and don't know what to do...
Re: Sudden personality change in DH?
I looked up the pp depression for dads and it seems to fit really well with what's been going on lately. Even some things that I didn't notice were "off" fit that description pretty well. I went ahead and emailed him the link to an article thinking it may click for him since it was so obvious to me. He just got even angrier-saying I didn't know him at all and how could I say I loved him if I don't even pay attention.
But the personality shift continues - as I was getting her into her car seat to go to dinner, he walked by and pushed me over! So now my wonderful husband has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive all in one day!
When I got home from dinner he had calmed down and apologized for getting mad but then said "but I know you understand why I was so mad". No. I understand why you were hurt and upset, yes. And I understand that you needed some time to cool down. I don't understand how you could turn into this man! It's like he feels no remorse for how he treated me today or even realizes it's not ok.
Now I'm having to comfort him and tell him over and over that I don't think he's a monster (I don't recall saying that AT ALL) and that I love him and that I'm sorry for what I said. I don't want to make him mad again, because then I worry about tomorrow, but he WAS a monster today!!!!!
I want my husband back!!!:(((
Sorry for the super-long vent, there's nobody IRL I can tell about this. I don't want to become the silent abuse victim, but this is so out of character and would totally ruin his career and basically his life if people around here found out. I feel lost and alone and frankly, a little scared to talk.
Is there anyone you know, a relative maybe, that is a young man with a baby? I know that your family does not live close to you but if you could even hook him up with another guy in his situation and they could talk on the phone? My husband is lucky enough to have four of his close friends that have had babies within the past year. Sometimes I think just having them go out for drinks together and talk really reassures him that when something is tough it is still normal and that all dads will go though it.
Other than that I don't really have much to offer except to say that if he does not chill out within a week or so please make sure that you are monitoring the situation. Often abuse starts as verbal or emotional abuse and goes to physical abuse very quickly. (If he pushed you into that carseat and you knocked it over you would never forgive yourself if your child was injured.) Especially with a baby you may feel that you can't do it on your own and that you should stay with him. Just make sure that you don't get stuck in a dangerous situation for you AND your baby. I am sure that you are aware of this as your sound like an intelligent woman but even the smartest can get sucked in. (It happened to me in the past.)
I wish you the best and I hope that everything works out. Keep your eyes peeled.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how hard it can be to cope with personal issues while still having to work (it sounds like you are a teacher, and I know it is that much harder trying to pretend everything is ok around your students but constantly be thinking about what is going on at home). I can only imagine the stress you are going through when it involves your baby.
I agree with PP that said you need to get time off to deal with this. I know you said he wouldn't hurt your baby, but at this point I would be hesitant to leave him alone with her. It does sound like he is dealing with depression, but I am no expert on that. Do you think that maybe he already has done something to the baby that he feels guilty about? Like maybe he yelled or shook her out of frustration, and now he feels like a bad father and is taking it out on you?
Is he a perfectionist? I know that I dealt with some feelings of anger/sadness when I couldn't get her to latch at first in the hospital. I talked to a psychologist in the hospital because I was so upset and emotional, and she helped me realize that I felt this way because I had expectations of how things would go and I was becoming upset when they didn't work out perfectly. I think it would really help him if you could convince him to talk to someone (or maybe get someone you think he will listen to at this point to convince him).
I know you said that it could ruin his life if people found out about this, but it sounds like he really needs help. It should come down to your well being and the well being of your baby, and you should not have to put up with any type of abuse. If it comes down to it I would rather people find out he needs help, than have to deal with his anger with no real hope of him getting help.
Hm. This is a tough one. In some ways it reminds me of my own DH... but not to that extreme. We've actually been having issues since DD's birth, though. And when I looked back on it (and I'm not saying this is the case with you, just something I noticed) I realized that /I/ had a huge personality shift. I went from thinking he would take care of the baby during the day to deciding that no one was good enough to do it and only I could do things the "right" way. I know I've really hurt him a couple of times hovering, questioning him, even when I'm giving him tips I think are helpful. Men want to be able to do things their own way. And I've been incredibly hard on my DH. It's like... I could get frustrated with DD (everyone does at some point) but if he did I got pizzed at him. It really spiraled pretty badly to where he almost had to take a few days away from us. Not because of any fear of danger, just because he was getting really depressed thinking I had no faith in him as a dad. And then if she'd have a bad day it just made it worse.
I will say my DH already had clinical depression, though. We had to have a serious talk about the way I was acting, the way he was acting, and how we were treating each other, and how our emotions affect DD, even if they aren't directed at her. I even suggested some therapy for him in a non-confrontational way. It was easy since I already see someone for OCD though.
Honestly, while a lot of husbands go through a lot of the same things you hear about in women, he seems to be taking it a bit far. Pushing you is not acceptable. I think I'd explain that you do have faith in him, but that adjusting to being a new mom is hard, too. We're hard-wired biologically to get all... mama bear about our kids. But also let him know his behavior is unacceptable and that it might be a good idea to see someone to work things out.
Me (32) DH (30)
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Baby Evangeline is here!
First of all, I think it's important to have a conversation with him about frustration re: newborns, and that your comment had nothing to do with his ability to parent and everything to do with your concern that he was massively stressed out and clearly needed a break. He should know that EVERYONE goes through having a baby that won't be soothed at some point or another, and that he's obviously a very good daddy or the situation wouldn't have affected him so much.
Next, the two of you need to have a straight-up discussion about what he's been going through on a regular basis and how you're going to make things better. How long has his semester been over? During this time period, how consistently is she crying while you're gone? How frequently has she refused to take a bottle when you're not around? What are the ways that the two of you can work out to soothe her crying when you're not there?
Third, tell him that babies stress people out, and that if the two of you need to talk to professionals, family members, google, or WHATEVER to find ways to make this easier for him, then you are 100% all in favor of it.
And finally, reiterate (multiple times per day, not just once) that he really IS an awesome husband and father and tell him WHY you think so. Daddies sometimes feel like they're getting no love at all when babies tend to be very mommy-centered and mommies tend to be very baby-centered. Make sure you're expressing to him how you feel about him on a regular basis.
I've done all of this. She's only been really fussy like that twice in the three weeks he's been taking care of her and yesterday was the first time she refused the bottle. He got really frustrated the first time, too, but didn't react nearly as badly to my suggestions to get help if he needed it.
He seemed to be doing better today - until I told him that we needed to talk about how he treated me yesterday. He kept saying that I married a monster and wouldn't discuss it any further.
I've contacted the pastor from our last church to see what he says about the situation. Maybe he can offer some helpful solutions.
Thanks for the support, ladies. This is really hard. I didn't think I'd ever have to deal with anything like it. You girls have made me feel less alone just by being there to listen.