Second thoughts on hyphenated last name

filxoxo

The time is rapidly approaching and I need to make this decision soon. A few months ago I agreed with the baby daddy that we could hyphenate our last names for our LO. Everyone that knows my position, even a couple of mutual friends (friends I made through him), keep telling me to just give LO my last name.

He literally hasn't done anything (besides quit his job and remain unemployed and move an extra hour further away from me) since we found out I was pregnant. He voices that he wants to around as much as possible but actions speak louder than words. He hasn't purchased anything for LO. Slept in and missed her baby shower (that started at 1pm.) Goes to the bar at least 2 times a week. I just don't agree with him automatically deserving the right to share a last name with her.

I'll be primary caregiver. She's going to be living with me, going to doc appointments with me, I'll be taking her to school, and who knows how active of a role her father will have.

Also, my last name is 8 letters and his is also 8 letters.... I feel like thats just a but excessive.

Vent, I guess. But I'm due in a little over a month and this subject really makes me unhappy. Would it be bad to take back agreeing we can hyphenate our last names? 

filxoxo

Also, if in the future we decide for any reason to, wouldn't it be easier to add his name as a hyphen rather than drop it? From what I've read and heard you usually need permission from both parents to change a child's name. Obviously he would agree moreso to adding his name rather than dropping it (if he isn't playing an active role in LO's life.)

warriormomerin

It depends on the state, but it usually is very difficult to remove a father's last name after the fact. I know in my state, the only reason I was able to was because there was child abuse involved.

Having the same last name as my children has definitely made things easier on us, especially since their father is no longer in the picture. If you truly feel like he won't be very involved in your child's life, I would say just go with your name. If it's that important to him, he'll do the necessary work to get it changed sometime down the road.

filxoxo

warriormomerin:

If it's that important to him, he'll do the necessary work to get it changed sometime down the road.

That is a perfect resolution. Thank you.

FyreFlyeRush

I was pressured by the court to give DD her father's last name. I regret that decision. It took 12 long years for him to decide he wanted anything to do with her. I never put the change through on her BC, so she still has mine. I've decided to let her choose when she is 18. At nearly 16, she's said she'll keep mine.

I am not giving this baby his father's last name period. When we go to court, I'll bring up this argument. I want to let HIM decide. If he's 12, 15, or 27, I'll stand by his choice regarding his last name.  

achase123

I wouldn't hyphenate.  I was still technically married to XH when I had DS so I ended up hyphenating but I still regret it.  If you are unsure about his role, don't even put his name anywhere near LO's.

DaringMiss

If he wants it so bad, make him work for it.

Given his track record, he won't do a darn thing.  The truth will out.

filxoxo

FyreFlyeRush:

I was pressured by the court to give DD her father's last name. I regret that decision. It took 12 long years for him to decide he wanted anything to do with her. I never put the change through on her BC, so she still has mine. I've decided to let her choose when she is 18. At nearly 16, she's said she'll keep mine.

I am not giving this baby his father's last name period. When we go to court, I'll bring up this argument. I want to let HIM decide. If he's 12, 15, or 27, I'll stand by his choice regarding his last name.  

 And this is what I'm worried about. If my LO wants her father's last name when she is old enough to decide, I'll go through the process with her so she can change it. I told him it's not a permanent thing and it can be changed if for whatever reason it needs to be. He still doesn't understand. But I know I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks ladies. 

preggersin2011

I'm a firm believe that your last name and your LO's last name should match. LO has my last name, I never thought about putting her father's name on the birth certificate at all. He is listed as her father, but that's all.

After my mom was divorced she changed back to her maiden name. My little sister still has tons of health insurance issues since she's a full time student on my mom's plan and has a different last name.