How To Handle Death

beh3e

So, quick back story.  I'm walking with my friend and her two-year old through Publix and we commented that the lobster tank only has one lobster in it.  Just trying to be cute, I told her son, "All the other lobsters went to a much better place where they have super big tanks and no rubber bands on their claws."

This made me realize that when my son gets old enough to have his first experience with death, I am going to have to start conveying my atheist belief that when we die, we just die and cease to exist.  How does one do this with a tiny child?  I'm not going to tell him something I don't believe just because it's more comforting, but I don't quite know how I would put it.

Also, what do I do when a child at school tells him about heaven?  What would you do if your child came home and told you another child said there was no heaven? 

I'm sure by the time it gets to that point, I will have a little more wisdom as to what I will do, but I find it very interesting and am curious as to what your experience has been or what you plan to do.

laurakaz13

I'm always curious about this subject too.  I share your belief and do not believe in making up a story about heaven just to make my child feel better. 

I'm interested to see the replies.   

docmay25

I am not really sure about how to explain death to him when you don't believe in heaven because that is not my belief.  I am sure you could find some good books on explaining death to a child and some of them might cover how to do this without mentioning heaven.

As far as if other kids at school tell him about heaven, just explain that everyone believes in different things.  I have had this conversation recently with my 7 year old when at christmas time his teacher told him that she did not celebrate Christmas because she is Jewish.  I explained to my children that everyone believes in something but we don't all believe in the same thing.  I explained about how there are different religions and some people don't believe in religion at all.  I like the opportunity for my children to be exposed to different beliefs because I want them to feel free to decide what they believe when they get older and not feel like they have to follow what I believe in.

As far as death in general, I have found to be honest but keep it simple.  My children dealt with death right from birth.  I had a baby that was stillborn.  My children have always gone to the cemetery and we have always been honest about our child that died.  They ask questions and I answer them simply, but there are also times when I have had to say to them that I don't know or don't have an answer for them.   

laurakaz13

docmay25:

I am not really sure about how to explain death to him when you don't believe in heaven because that is not my belief.  I am sure you could find some good books on explaining death to a child and some of them might cover how to do this without mentioning heaven.

As far as if other kids at school tell him about heaven, just explain that everyone believes in different things.  I have had this conversation recently with my 7 year old when at christmas time his teacher told him that she did not celebrate Christmas because she is Jewish.  I explained to my children that everyone believes in something but we don't all believe in the same thing.  I explained about how there are different religions and some people don't believe in religion at all.  I like the opportunity for my children to be exposed to different beliefs because I want them to feel free to decide what they believe when they get older and not feel like they have to follow what I believe in.

As far as death in general, I have found to be honest but keep it simple.  My children dealt with death right from birth.  I had a baby that was stillborn.  My children have always gone to the cemetery and we have always been honest about our child that died.  They ask questions and I answer them simply, but there are also times when I have had to say to them that I don't know or don't have an answer for them.   

Thanks for this.  This is how I would like to approach it as well.  I'm sorry about the loss of your baby. 

karlahi

Hi there, children get read fairy tales but we adults dont believe it! I think its too much for a child to digest I would follow the heaven line to give them peace of mind, when they get older then they will be able to make that decision for themselves. I was told about heaven as a child and it was comforting then. I'm now and adult have different beliefs! xx

blush64

karlahi:

Hi there, children get read fairy tales but we adults dont believe it! I think its too much for a child to digest I would follow the heaven line to give them peace of mind, when they get older then they will be able to make that decision for themselves. I was told about heaven as a child and it was comforting then. I'm now and adult have different beliefs! xx

IF this is your way of saying you don't believe in heaven you might want to find a way that doesn't insult people.

I agree with most of the PPs. Just be honest and if the child comes home asking about the beliefs of others let them know we all believe different things. (and it's ok) How to deal with death specifically when you don't believe in heaven I don't know because that's not something I had to deal with.  I have always taught my kids that different people have different beliefs and we should always resect each other.

tammyz25

i think the main thing is just to explain "death" in general and not have too big of a focus on heaven/no heaven at this point. explaining that we all die at - plants, people, animals - and that its just a part of life. its not fun, but its what makes the world go round. it may make us sad, but we can always keep people we love in our hearts.

regarding heaven, i would maybe simply say that different people believe different things. explain a few of the different beliefs, without saying which one you believe in. when he is older, he will decide what he wants to believe.

Danielleee

I think it's best to give accurate information and to answer questions, but not to give more information than is necessary for the child's age.  I don't think it is appropriate to tell a child about heaven if your belief system doesn't include it.  The child might not even ask about it.  If there is a death, you could just say, "Grandma passed away today.  That means we won't get to see her anymore.  We will miss her very much."  then let the child digest the info and answer questions honestly from there.  If someone else tells the child that someone they love went to heaven, you could say something like, "No one really knows what happens after someone dies, and some people believe in heaven.  This is what we believe in our family."  If the child is upset, you can focus on how it is grown-ups' jobs to keep kids safe and that they are safe and cared for always.

CLLDLL

My dad passed away when DS was 18 months old.  Since then we visit Grandpa's grave a few times a year, and talk about him pretty often.  When DS was really little, I kept it simple.  "Grandpa got sick, the Dr.'s tried to save him, but he was just too sick so he died.  Now he's in our memories. " As he's gotten older he askes more questions, and I try to answer them honestly without getting too in depth about what I believe. 

The harder part for me is when his cousins or schoolmates talk about God and Jesus.  He will come home and tell me something that he's heard.  So far I've been able to keep my comments positive...things like "Yes, that's what some people believe."...rather than saying that I disagree.  It is hard though.  I don't want him to believe the opposite of what I believe just to rebel against me (like I did with my mom), but at the same time I don't want him to believe what I believe just because I say he should. 

livinirie84

blush64:

karlahi:

Hi there, children get read fairy tales but we adults dont believe it! I think its too much for a child to digest I would follow the heaven line to give them peace of mind, when they get older then they will be able to make that decision for themselves. I was told about heaven as a child and it was comforting then. I'm now and adult have different beliefs! xx

IF this is your way of saying you don't believe in heaven you might want to find a way that doesn't insult people.

I agree with most of the PPs. Just be honest and if the child comes home asking about the beliefs of others let them know we all believe different things. (and it's ok) How to deal with death specifically when you don't believe in heaven I don't know because that's not something I had to deal with.  I have always taught my kids that different people have different beliefs and we should always resect each other.

I don't see how that is insulting. She is simply saying that we tell our children things that we ourselves don't believe in so it's not that much different than telling a kid about heaven if you don't believe in it. She did not imply that religion is a fairy tale.