Adoption
arbutusbride
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TLC's "Birth Mom" show
arbutusbride
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in Adoption
Anybody catch this tonight? Thoughts? Is this how it happens?
DH and I are looking into adoption if next IVF doesn't work. I hope that if we do end up adopting, the BM doesn't trash our profile.
Pursing Domestic Infant Adoption through a local agency. In the meantime, our dog is our baby. Bumping from Portland, Oregon.
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Re: TLC's "Birth Mom" show
I haven't watched it yet, but I haven't heard anything positive about the show so far...
We'll see...I'm dvr-ing it.
The show didn't depict anything ideal. However, I really felt for the girl that "trashed" all of the family profiles. She was making responsible choices for her son, however she didn't seem to have the coping skills the say what she was really feeling. I think she just wanted to appear tough.
Adoption certainly isn't rainbows and butterflies. Many women who make this choice are in very bad places in their lives. I don't expect them to be happy-go-lucky about the decision they are making.
However, I had a really hard time watching the women have a margarita and smoke cigarettes. I would be willing to stand on my head and for nine months to have a baby. These ladies couldn't even put away their drinks... uuurgh.
What I found interesting is that most of them already had toddlers who lived with them. The main reason they were giving up the new baby was they were unable afford them and in two other cases they did not want the baby, Okay, is it me or would it have made more sense to use a contraceptive? One Girl said she was "high on pills and her ex had sex with her while she was passed out". Again the side eye for the behavior that led up to that.
The pregnant girls were smoking, and drinking on the show. With little regard to the life that they had inside them. One girl was even shoplifting and saying how she would prostitute her body for $5.00 if she had to, she later had a fit cause she wanted to order tequila at a resturant yet had no ID.
Here's the thing when it came time to pick a family the girl were super picky about the type of family they would select for their child. I didn't understand that. Why are you concerned about who would raise the child you didn't want in the first place? You didn't even love your child enough to change your lifestyle after you were pregnant so should it matter who raised your child?
I didnt see the end because my allergy meds kicked in and I fell asleep. Anyone see the end?
I must ask, are you educated on adoption? Because whoa, you have made some very judgmental comments. This is life. Not everyone is as educated about birth control.
Most certainly this is the most difficult decision these girls will ever make. Adoption is complex and layered with many emotions. One of them is anger--part of the grief cycle. That girl was being nit-picky because she's hurt, sad, angry at herself for her situation, that she has to give up a part of herself, angry at that the people in those profile books can give her baby more than she can, etc. Tough stuff.
By and I large, I would argue that women who place their babies, LOVE them so much that they choose a different life for them. Not loving them has nothing to do with it. Quite the opposite.
I actually thought the show was well done. It was gritty, and while we can't assume all birth moms are like this, I thought the show did a great job of depicting the stress for all involved. The scenes where they signed the relinquishment papers were very moving.
I'm copying and pasting what I just wrote about the show on FB.
I agree that it wasn't a great portrayal of birth mothers in general. It felt like they picked 3 people who would make 'great tv,' but that they weren't trying to give a view of how birth mothers can all be very different. They mainly showed negative images (shoplifting, drinking, taking pills) of them; not every birthmother engages in those kinds of activities. (They did show one expectant mother taking care of herself and trying to get the agency to see that the other girls were drinking, etc.)
I do like seeing shows about adoption; I think it encourages people to talk about it and discuss their feelings about it. I liked how they showed different aspects of the process - choosing an adoptive family, making that decision, dealing with feelings in the hospital after the babies were born, and handling the signing of the relinquishment papers.
I'm not saying it all has to be positive; I just think the show tended to show more of the dramatic/negative parts.
To the original poster - Arbutusbride - You asked is this how it happens. This is how one agency in Utah handles adoption. Every agency is going to be different. With our agency, the expectant mothers do not live in special agency housing. They live at home, on their own, etc. In our case, our agency met with our dd's birthmom and they discussed her options. She looked at about 60 profiles over the course of a couple months. She narrowed it down to 3. Of those 3, she chose us. We met a couple weeks later. They do not have the expectant parents and the adoptive parents meet unless the expectant parents are really set on a couple. Typically once you are to the point of meeting, you are linked. I dont know about the 'trashing of profiles' (I saw the show, though, so I know what you're referring to.) My guess is that looking through them must be extremely stressful and scary. You want to choose the best family possible to raise your child. On the flip side to that, you are looking at profiles of people who have what you might be wishing you have - the ability to raise your child - financially, emotionally, etc. It has to be incredibly overwhelming - in good ways and in bad.
Mommytwobe- You asked, "Why are you concerned about who would raise the child you didn't want in the first place? You didn't even love your child enough to change your lifestyle after you were pregnant so should it matter who raised your child?"
Many birthmothers do want their children and do love their children. Some are not in a place where they feel they can change their lifestyle (for whatever reason.) But most people who choose to place their child for adoption, do it out of love -- it could be for a variety reasons. Maybe they already have children they are raising and cannot afford to raise another. Maybe they are still in school. Maybe they are not financially in a place to raise a child at that time. That doesn't mean that they do not love their children. It is a HUGE decision to place a child and not an easy thing to do. I know that our daughter's birthmom looked at about 60 profiles to make the decision of who to choose -- she did not take that decision lightly.
You asked about the end of the show...
All three of the expectant mothers placed their children. They showed how hard it was for them to sign the papers. They showed a photo at the very end of the one birthmother with the adoptive family.
I cannot say that I am educated on Adoption. I myself was left on someone's door step at 7 months old because my mother felt she was unable to raise a child( yet continued to have more...all of which were taken due to her drug use)( that's a whole different topic).
My overall point was that the girls on the show were drinking and smoking with little regard for the life they were carrying. I am a mother myself and even if I wasn't going to raise my child that I was carrying I would still want to give it the best possiable chance in life by altering my lifestyle so that the child would be healthy when it was born. That was the context and point of my post.
I cannot imagine the heart ache that any birth mom goes through in deciding to place their children up for adoption. Yet as one who has been adopted, I could never understand how one could continue to have children that they were unable to raise( thus my point about birth control).
I missed it. I'll have to see if it's on demand, or repeating anytime soon.
ETA: I think this is going to be a difficult show in one episode or another, because there is no "typical" adoption. There will be birthmoms making good choices, or poor choices, for a variety of reasons. There will be some with family or BF support, and some without. There will be some who find an adoptive family easily, and some who agonize over the decision. It should be some interesting viewing, and I'll be curious to see if they try to balance the different types of BMs one can encounter.
They better show some BMs making good decisions, because I certainly never drank during my pregnancy, and quit smoking the day after I found out I was pregnant (yes, I did have a couple of cigarettes after I found out. I was coping badly, obviously).
But I never made such poor decisions. And I never spoke ill of families. And I don't want people to automatically think I behaved like an overgrown toddler while making the most important and painful decision of my life.
I mean, that's obviously just me, and there are lots of women who choose to parent and make the same horrible decisions, so it's not just birthmoms, let's be honest. Alls I know is, TLC may get a very strongly-worded letter if these shenanigans continue without showing any positive images of what we've done.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
And to all you mommies graciously explaining these BMs' bad behavior, thanks! It's definitely a mark of your being secure in your role.
As an AM-to-be, I do sometimes worry about our LO's birthmommy engaging in behavior that's harmful to herself and our baby. All I can do is pray that she has support around her to help her cope well.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
I work at a crisis pregnancy center, and I can guarantee you that most (I can't speak for all) birth mothers are really struggling, but want the best for their child.
I counseled one client who researched online and learned that her extensive meth use before learning she was pregnant could have harmed the baby (of course). But she also learned that her baby might be addicted to meth and it could die from going cold turkey due to severe withdrawal. She was an absolute wreck because she was worried for the baby, who she wanted to place with an adoptive family.
Obviously this wasn't someone doing shots in a bar at 8 months pregnant and then being particular about an adoptive family, but I can't judge that either. A birth mother realizes her lifestyle isn't compatible with being a decent mother for a child. She then (responsibly) finds a family that can provide the proper environment for him/her.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
What?
I'm not even sure where to begin.
I would think it's more common in birth mothers than in other mothers. I know I cannot speak for all birth mothers; I don't think you can make a general statement like that, either. Every woman is different. It doesn't matter if you are considering adoption or not. Some women will drink/smoke/use drugs when pregnant and some will not.
If you are together enough to take care of yourself, you are together enough to raise your child,generally speaking. Birthparents (expectant parents) choose adoption for a variety of reasons. They might want their child to have things they cannot provide. They might feel like they are in a position where they cannot give their child what they will need. They might not feel ready or prepared to parent at that point in time. Not everyone who gets pregnant is ready to be a parent. I don't think that means they are 'not together enough to take care of themselves.' I think it means that the love their child so much that they want to make a decision that's about the child and his/her well-being.
Just like with older children adoption. Well taken care of children are not up for adoption, because the parent or parents are able to properly take care of a chld. Damaged children are up for adoption. Children who are waiting to be adopted come from a variety of backgrounds and places. To say that "damaged children are up for adoption" is offensive to me. Yes, certainly some children who are waiting to be adopted will have issues and need help to work through them. I think your statement would also be offensive to foster parents who work very hard to take care of the children in their care. I also think that your statement implies that every child who is in an orphanage is not taken care of or has severe problems- while that could be true for some children, it is most certainly not accurate for all children.
I just want to add that even when people decide to have biological children, those children can have severe problems as well.
You would "think"? But do you "know"? I know plenty of people who drank, smoked, or used drugs, who were very successful people and parents. Way to paint with a broad brush.
There are plenty of BMs who are together enough to take care of themselves, and maybe even a certain number of children, but circumstances happen where they cannot care for a child, or another child. Again, way to paint with a broad brush.
There are pleny of children up for adoption who are not "damaged". And what does that mean, really? We all have bad medical histories, or something that happened to us that colors our perspective or way of life, that may negatively impact a child. Certainly not enough to damage them, per se.
Who are you???
wow. Trying to win the award for most ignorant and insensitive poster on the bump, huh? What a peach.
I assure you there is NOTHING damaged about my smart, thriving, and beautiful children.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
We're all entitled to our opinions, so ok, fine, if this is what you believe, then whatever. But to come on an adoption board and post this . . . what's your purpose? To get people upset? You didn't upset me. I just think you are the damaged one.