s/o not inviting the whole class - DD left out

mulrooney

DD (5) is in her second year of preschool. She is very shy & while she loves school, she has only made one good friend. She does talk about a few other girls & seems to like them & gets along ok with them.

I picked her up today and she was in an awful mood - tantrums, crying, etc. I finally got her to tell me what was wrong. Today is the birthday of one of the girls she talks about & seems friendly with. She says a bunch of the kids were talking about going to her birthday party tomorrow and that it made her sad. She asked why she wasn't invited. It just about broke my heart.

Now, I know not to believe 100% of what she says happened in school, but I did hear the birthday girl's mom & several other moms discussing the party at pick up today - so I think it is a distinct possibility that they were talking about it in school. I am only on superficial chit chat with most of these moms - not the friendliest group but I am surprised at the exclusion.

I talked to DD about her feelings, said that sometimes you can't invite everyone for whatever reason, and then got her to focus on some fun things that we have coming up. But I feel like I should have better answers for her. What could I have said? She is super shy so I have a feeling we will be dealing with this kind of thing a lot And of course she's my baby so I am feeling all mama bear & want to protect her.

Brewtowngrl

My heart breaks for her.  I am pretty sensitive right now because of what happened with DS last week at his pre-school.  I don't have any advise, but I know how you feel with wanting to protect her.  

mulrooney

Thanks for the support. It is so tough to help them deal with this stuff. I had hoped to have another year or two before we were faced with these kind of exclusions. She honestly had no idea why she wouldn't be invited - to her everyone gets invited & they are all friends.

How is your DS doing? Has he started at the new school? What an awful thing to have happened for all of you. 

shouldbworkin

I'm not really sure if there's ever anything you can say that will fix that.  But, I would reach out to a few more moms/parents in KG next year and try to build some deeper relationships so that she's not excluded from everything.  The truth is, some people don't invite everyone for various reasons.  But, it's easier to accept that when you've been included in a few close friends' parties. 

the_jackpot

I am so sorry that your lo has to experience this type of exclusion. I hope that she is in a better mood by now and that she forgets about it all. 

That stinks when parents plan parties and don't invite all the kids in the class. 

Brewtowngrl

mulrooney:

Thanks for the support. It is so tough to help them deal with this stuff. I had hoped to have another year or two before we were faced with these kind of exclusions. She honestly had no idea why she wouldn't be invited - to her everyone gets invited & they are all friends.

How is your DS doing? Has he started at the new school? What an awful thing to have happened for all of you. 

Thanks for asking. He had a rough week last week with a lot of outbursts and tantrums.  He also didn't want to sleep (worse then normal).  He started on Monday and said "my new school is cool".  When we got there today he almost got thrown on the floor by one of the boys giving him a hug and all of the boys moved to the empty table so they could eat breakfast with him.  It was great to see boys being so kind and loving again.  DS was a little overwhelmed with the attention, but it was a nice change.  

lady_tytah

shouldbworkin:

I'm not really sure if there's ever anything you can say that will fix that.  But, I would reach out to a few more moms/parents in KG next year and try to build some deeper relationships so that she's not excluded from everything.  The truth is, some people don't invite everyone for various reasons.  But, it's easier to accept that when you've been included in a few close friends' parties. 

This! If she is that shy that means not just the kids but the parents arent going to invite someone to their party they have to coax into playing games. Harsh but true. Definitely try to build a group next yr so she can learn how to branch out and you have your own mommy group. I was a very shy child but it also didnt bother me. Are you sure your child even feels bad for not going? Not ever kid minds/want to be around large groups of kids. 

KathrynMD

I'm sorry that happened to your LO.

Honestly, I'd say something to the teacher and to the mom/moms about how your LO reacted.  We should be teaching our children to be kind and inclusive.  I understand that sometimes its not financially possible to include everyone, but if that's the case, you shouldn't be discussing it in front of others either. 

shouldbworkin

FWIW, I think it is ok to invite some kids and not the whole class.  But, it's never ok to invite everyone but one child (or all girls/boys but one).  I'm not sure if that's the case here or not.  And, if your DC's party doesn't include everyone, you should be telling your DC not to talk about it in school and list all of the reasons why.  Five isn't too young to learn that lesson, IMO.  They may not be able to do it, but at least you covered it with them. 

jlw2505

It is hard and it is something the kids will deal with as long as kids have parties.  My DD has been excluded from at least party that I know about this year from one of the girls that she is friendly with and just the other day I noticed that 3 of her friends that she talks about had invites in their parent boxes and my DD didn't.  Her class (PreK) has a policy in place that the kids can not talk about birthday parties and while I never thought it would work, the kids totally understand that they can't talk about them.  My DD was invited to one of the boys parties this year - it was mostly the boys from class plus my DD and 2 other girls (one who would not stay and one who showed up at the very end).  My DD loved it and had a blast.  I know she has missed other parties and we were out of town during her BFF's party which she was so sad about.  We just talked about how at most parties, the kids can only invite a certain number of kids and we point out that for her party, she got to choose who she wanted to invite and that she can still be friends with all the kids and that being sad is totally OK.  My DD luckily has no idea about these parties (even if she noticed the cards in the parent boxes, there is often notes and such left from parents and the teachers to other parents so the kids don't really know what one thing is vs another).  I think I felt sad enough for her.  My DD has a speech delay and ADHD and social situations can sometimes be hard for her although it is getting better, I know this is part of why she is not always invited.  I hear from a lot of the other parents how sweet my DD is but if the kids can only invite a few kids and its a drop off party, I understand, my DD can sometimes be a handful.

jlw2505

the_jackpot:

That stinks when parents plan parties and don't invite all the kids in the class. 

  I don't think I would go this far, not be invited is part of life - yes it sucks to be excluded but I don't think it is fair to say that every kid needs to invite every single person from school.  Kids talk and even if you invite 5 kids and mail the invites, the kids are going to talk about the party around other people.  I know a lot of people want to have parties for their kids but can't afford to spend the money to include the 20+ kids from class or don't have houses big enough to have parties at home and honestly, those huge parties can be so overwhelming.  Trust me, I know that my kids have been excluded from parties and we talk about it and its hard for them and sad but it is part of life.  My DD"s PreK class has 20 kids this year plus a smaller class of 10 and these 30 kids do a lot of things together in the class but no one in the class has invited the whole class and I would never expect them to do that.  Last year, about half the kids did include everyone and honestly, my DD was overwhelmed at most of the parties including her own.

KathrynMD

You don't necessarily have to invite everyone, but if you have 30 kids and you invite 26, don't kid yourself that the 4 aren't going to find out and be hurt.  If you genuinely want to only invite a handful of kids, than do that, but don't pretend that inviting 8 our of 10 kids in a class isn't going to hurt somebodies feelings, no matter waht the reason is.

This age (especially w/ girls IMO) is the time to model of how to be a good friend and how to be inclusive for everyone.  Have you seen how bitchy 3rd grade girls can be to each other?  I want to avoid my DD's involvement in that scenario in any way possible - either as the bully or the bullied. 

wellfleet04

shouldbworkin:

FWIW, I think it is ok to invite some kids and not the whole class.  But, it's never ok to invite everyone but one child (or all girls/boys but one).  I'm not sure if that's the case here or not.  And, if your DC's party doesn't include everyone, you should be telling your DC not to talk about it in school and list all of the reasons why.  Five isn't too young to learn that lesson, IMO.  They may not be able to do it, but at least you covered it with them. 

This is how I feel about it, too.  DD has been invited to some and not invited to some.  It's a fact of life.  DD invited all the girls and one boy from her class (8 of 17).  It wasn't about excluding anyone.  It was a girly glitter pony party.  Made sense to have mostly girls, that's who she wanted there (well, she specifically said she wanted probably 5 of the girls, I invited all 7) and the one little boy she invited is her best friend in the class.

I mailed the invitations, and I made sure I told her she was not to talk about the party at school because we didn't invite everyone.  She totally understood why and respected that and never did talk about it.  When she's found out about other parties she's not been invited to, she's been a little sad, but we talk about how not everyone gets invited every time and she moved on.  

I don't think parent are obligated to invite all or none, but I think there is a kind way to do it (all girls/all boys, only a very few, mail the invites, don't talk about the party).   

KdgTeacher

KathrynMD:

I'm sorry that happened to your LO.

Honestly, I'd say something to the teacher and to the mom/moms about how your LO reacted.  We should be teaching our children to be kind and inclusive.  I understand that sometimes its not financially possible to include everyone, but if that's the case, you shouldn't be discussing it in front of others either. 

As a teacher this makes me cringe.  Why does a teacher need to be involved?   I can control/monitor what happens in my room and make sure that everyone is included, treated fairly, nice to each other, etc, but I can't (and shouldn't have to) start getting involved in who is invited to who's party.

Ciarrai

How is this any of the teacher's business?  I'm sorry your daughter felt left out and I know that must break your heart, but I don't see there's anything you can do about it.  I don't think that you *have* to invite every kid in the class.  I can agree with the ones who said that it's not right to not invite one or two kids, but you shouldn't have to invite all the kids in the class.  Sometimes that's just not feasible and it can be very expensive.

DD1 has 23 kids in her Kindy class plus her old preschool friends and family friends plus siblings.  There was no way we could handle all those kids/people.  We're also having a swim party and I'll admit that I'd prefer to not have the really rambunctious kids.  We had one last year that kept trying to hang on my girls and pull them under water, but that's another story.  Anyway, I let DD1 pick 8 kids in her class to invite.  She picked 6 girls and 2 boys and then I invited our family friends including her BFF from preschool and such.  Even with limiting it like that, we have 15 adults and 20 kids coming once you count siblings and whatnot.  There are three girls who have birthdays this week in her Kindergarten class but DD is not close with either of the other two.  She didn't invite them to her party and I have to assume they didn't invite her to theirs or they aren't having a party.  When she asked about it, I just said they probably had a limit like she did and you can't invite everyone.  She understood but it wasn't her good friends and they weren't talking about it.  She also understands that she shouldn't talk about her party at school and has been really good about it.  I mentioned it on our walk home yesterday with a good friend of hers and her friend didn't even know DD was having a party even though her mom had responded to the invite and they were coming.  I think that we did as best as we could.

the_jackpot

I guess I should clarify, excluding 1-2 kids is not cool imo. It would be different if it were all girls, all boys etc. I also think that being in a class of 34 is different than my son being in a class of 10 so I am coming from that pov. 

I am not big on non-family parties so I may be the wrong one to chime in  

KathrynMD

Inviting 8 out of a class of 23 or 30 is far different than inviting 8 out of a class of 10. 

As far as informing the teacher, I guess I was thinking about our school where the rule is that if you are not inviting everyone in the class, you can't give out invitations at school and avoid talking about it at school. 

mulrooney

I completely get the idea that sometimes it is not feasible for space, financial, whatever reasons to invite the whole class. However, this is a small class of only 15 kids but it is what it is. And I know that this situation will happen in many forms for the rest of her life. I just think it sucks that she has to start to deal with it at only 5 years old. 

She has bounced back - we are focusing on fun things that we have coming up and she seems to have moved on.  I just hope I am able to say the right things when she is asking me why it happened. That was actually the point of my post. I am not going to address it with the teachers or other moms. I just want to help my DD. Thanks for the different perspectives. 

704bride

I'm sorry your DD was left out.  So far, it seems like all of DS' classmates have invited the whole class (10 kids in the class), so we haven't had that issue.  I'm sure it'll come up at some point because DS is somewhat shy and he has said that he doesn't like certain boys because of hitting, etc.  He was saying he didn't want to invite certain kids to his birthday because of various reasons.  I personally think it's important to invite either the whole class or all the boys/girls for a few years because otherwise, it's probably only a few kids getting left out.  Years ago, a rather wealthy boy in my class was having a birthday party after school and his mom had a LIMO (!) pick up the kids going to the birthday party.  You could see it from my classroom and I'll never forget the look on one boy's face who wasn't invited.  I'm sure there will come a day when DS only invites some of the kids in his class to his party and I plan on being extremely strict with him about absolutely no talking about his party at school.

victoria1977

lady_tytah:

[If she is that shy that means not just the kids but the parents arent going to invite someone to their party they have to coax into playing games. Harsh but true.

WTF, seriously? I could never imagine NOT inviting a child to a party because they are the shy one. Posts like this make me so sad. I agree that it is not always possible to invite everyone, but to purposely exclude 1 or 2 is just cruel. Any adult should just plain know better and use it as an example to teach their child to be accepting and kind to others.

sweetpea2003

-auntie-:

I'm so sorry. BTDT with DS a few times. Once he was the only child excluded from a kindie pool party and the party girl told him it was because her mom said he was "too wild". DS has a mild form of autism, and was marching to his own drum at that age- never mean or even out of control- just out of the box,

Yeah, I cried myself to sleep for a couple days.

(Birthday girl's dad was a serial cheater and I publically mentioned it a few times during that "superficial chit chat" waiting at dismissal. He was a real horndog who didn't travel far for his meet-ups. I'd wait until she had a crowd of moms around and say something like  "Oh, they really are working your DH to the bone. I saw him at TJ's Steakhouse having another dinner meeting the other night." Mom would say something about meeting with department heads and I'd say "Gee, I only saw the one woman there and she looked too young to be out of medical school much less a department head. Maybe the others were running late.")

Another time, DH and DS wandered in on an exclusive party at a local minigolf/arcade space. Umm, awkward again. Mom tried to invent some tale about invites getting lost, but I knew better.

I'm glad you shared this, maybe the perps who try to defend this practice will finally get it through their heads that it hurts innocent kids.

 

 

Huh?  You realize that this is incredibly trashy and makes you look like a complete and total jerk.  Not just to the woman who you are spreading rumors about, but to everyone else there who sees you as someone who can't keep her nose out of everyone else's business.  I understand being upset about your son not being included and the comment about him being wild, but this response is unforgiveable and immature.  You will ALWAYS be excluded if this is how you present yourself in public.

OP, Im sorry your son was excluded.  It is a hard life lesson for our LOs to learn at this tender age.  Sadly, this issue won't go away and we need to help boost our kids' self esteem other ways.  Maybe let him invite a few friends over and make it special with a trip somewhere