Random rants/vents

J&M0610

1.  This is a major one...Why do people think I should just get over losing DS?  My parents of all people should be a little more compassionate but no they are not!  My mom says that she feels bad for what happened but I need to get over it and not let it take over my life. How can she say this to me???  I just don't understand.  I told her that she has no idea how I feel and until something like this happens to her she will never know the feelings I have.  She does agree with me there.  She says that I need to get out and do things because of DD which I know, but my loss was just last week and I need time!

2.  My husband knows I need time.  He is trying to be there for me but I can tell he doesn't know what to do.  He is the type to want to try again asap.  I on the other hand I am terrified to try again!  He tells me when I'm ready we can try so there is definitely no pressure which makes me feel better.  I know I will be worried the whole time I'm pregnant and I know that I only lost my DS a week ago and I probably shouldn't even think about another one yet but I am. I am also scared to "let him down" because we lost a boy and what happens if we don't have a boy.  Again also something I shouldn't be thinking about.  I just want a healthy baby!!!!!   I feel just so scared of the whole situation. 

3.  Another person is a good friend of mine...at least I thought.  She has an almost 5 year old so we always go out together with the kids.  When I was in the hospital she did text/call me and said her and her husband were going to visit but they never came.  She did call me at like 11pm with some stupid excuse.  Then she was going to come by the day I was released, but again nothing except a text at 10:30 at night saying how she was home all day coughing and didn't want to get me sick!  Really??!!??  Then today she texts me and asks how I am and I tell her I'm ok and she says "don't worry, you will be over it when you have another baby"  WTF???  I told her I will never be over it...the pain may go away but the memories will never go away.  I really don't understand people.  She also texted me on Saturday "Happy Mother's day!  Have a nice weekend!"  I was speechless!  I didn't even answer it!

4.  Also why is everything on TV about pregnancy/babies???  It seems like no matter what channel I watch something about it comes on???

 

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.  I really have no one else to talk to!!!  I have been trying to keep it together while typing this but I feel the tears coming.

J&M0610

Forgot to add:

5.  Why don't they put a note in your chart at the ob/gyn about what happened???  I had to call to make a 4 week check up appt and the lady asked why I was coming in and I just lost it while telling her.

medblais

Regardless of what anyone says, you need to take the time you need and grieve the way you need to grieve.  While you need to meet your child's needs, there is no rule saying that at this moment you need to attend anything extra or put yourself in any position that would exacerbate how you already feel. I'm so glad you have a supportive hubby. I know for me, the idea of ttcal has ping ponged from I really want to, to not at all, to maybe in a couple months, to definitely not for one year, and so on. Give yourself time to have all the feelings you need and make a healthy decision for your family.

People kept telling me I needed to have patience and compassion for those friends that said stupid things- I think this is only true to a degree. When you know they are making the effort, and its hard, and you know they only have good intentions, it is posible to be forgiving of the sometimes rediculous or hurtful things they say. Sometimes though, there is no excuse for them and the friendship or how you feel about it is forced to change. I have been reflecting lately how disappointed I am in some of my friends and their self-absorbed view of the world, while I have some acquaintances that became friends after my loss. If this was someone you considered a good friend, I would say something about how you feel (that she is being unsupportive, or that her ignorance, or lack of acknowledgement, of your son and of your grief after the loss, and her insensitive comments are all hurtful). The way I see it is that as a friend, I would want to know if I had hurt someone I cared for unintentionally, and I would want to fix it.

jbranden12

I agree with everything medblais said. After we lost Patricia, people kept telling me  to "feel whatever I feel," and that "whatever I feel is right." I didn't really understand what that meant because I was in such shock. Now I understand it a little bit more, I just need to be genuine and let myself do what I need to do to heal. It's not that I'm being selfish, but I spend less energy caring about making everyone around me feel comfortable because I know in the end, it is best for everyone who loves me that I grieve how I need to.

BootsOrHearts

People who say 'just get over it already' really have no clue. Just ignore them. Or say 'I will NEVER get over it, it will just get easier to deal with'. If they haven't been through this, they don't understand that to us, our babies were just as real as any other. They are boys or girls. They may have names. They are REAL and they are ours and we will never ever forget about them. 

weddedwife

People really don't understand this type of loss unless they have been through it. You won't ever "get over it" you just learn to live with it. Do not worry about what other people think. If they are giving you a hard time, avoid them. You have to be gentle with your heart and do what YOU need to do to properly grieve your son regardless of what the rest of the world thinks. No, not everybody will understand this. Screw them!

It is totally natural to think about TTC right away, and waver a LOT in your opinions. You were expecting a baby, you were already on that path. But then something terrible happened. So now there is still the desire for a child, mixed with the grief, the heartbreak and the fear of another pregnancy. All totally normal. Give your body some time to heal and your heart some time to settle on what is right for you. I changed my mind almost daily up until about 3 months after my loss- that was my timeframe. Yours may be different and that's okay.

Unfortunately most relationships change after this kind of loss, whether they are friendships, marriages, family relationships, etc.  I am now closer to some people but much further away from a lot of others. This for me is the hardest part of accepting my son's death. He died, and I have no choice but to accept that. But for all my relationships to change- well that just seemed like too much. I have lost some friends but this experience has given me a lot of perspective. Maybe our friendship was on the way out anyway. Maybe they aren't the caring people I thought they were. Most people, I've discovered, are just too wrapped up in their own b.s. C'est la vie. I will survive without them. And then there are others who have really stepped up to the plate, often from unexpected places. I have also made new friends- through support group, here on the bump. These women are genuine and know what I'm going through.

And yes- everything everywhere is about babies. On t.v., on the news, in the grocery store. It is everywhere I go. This is why I hibernated for a while until my heart could handle small doses of this stuff in public. I too have an older child and we did not go anywhere for weeks. She watched a lot of movies for a while- she's fine! It was temporary. I belong to a moms group and we didn't go to playdates for several months. I just couldn't handle all the talk about babies, siblings, etc. Now I am able to be with them for short periods of time. It takes time; you shouldn't worry about getting out just now.