Please help me help my husband

NewFamily09

If this is totally inappropriate, please let me know and I will delete this.  My husband has a sister who is a lesbian.  They have a pretty good relationship now, but didn't growing up.  My husband told me today that his sister once told him that she became a lesbian because she didn't like the way men had treated her when she dated in high school.  Because of this, my husband believes that homosexuality is a choice.  I don't think he is totally sure, but he thinks it might be true because of what his sister said.  I'm not so sure.  I don't believe it's a choice- I think it's just part of who you are from the start, but then what do I know?  I told him that maybe those relationships that she had with men didn't work out more because she wasn't attracted them and maybe just didn't realize that or couldn't accept it.  She was a teenage in the early 80s probably.    I have several friends who are lesbian or gay, but I feel awkward asking them.  I hope this doesn't offend anyone.  Can anyone shed some light on this for my husband?  How old were you when you realized you were LGBT? 

2moms2twins

this is prolly MUD but I am feeling talky today.

I always knew I was not the same as everyone else. I say in Jr. High school i knew .. I was in love with my BFF everyone had boy friend but i did not - apparently my family knew too ( why didnt they tell me) 

Anyhow- Been gay all my life but I played in to the societal expectations .. I did what I was strike that what I thought i was supposed to do be uber femme and date boys and I was dying inside because I was never able to be myself ... I came out when I was much older and like i mentioned Non of my family was surprised and they all apparently knew - 

I have friend who were like me and just BORN THIS WAY and I know Many women who have made a choice.  The bottom line is you fall in love with who you fall in love with 

 

Kershnic

I honestly don't understand the focus (not just you, but a lot of people) on figuring out whether being LGBT is a choice or not. 

Did I wake up one day and say "Gee, how could I make my life more difficult?  Having a marriage that is legally and socially recognized everywhere and free romantic access to sperm is just too easy.  I should find a wife instead."  No.  But did I choose to say "yes" to falling in love with my wife?  Yes. 

Some people are attracted primarily or exclusively to men or women, and many people are attracted somewhat to men or women and somewhat to the opposite.  In my opinion, lots of things can influence how a person develops or expresses their sexual identity, including biology and life experiences and culture.  So some people are probably "born gay" or "born straight" but for a whole lot of people things along the way can influence who they're attracted to or whether they're willing to acknowledge being attracted to someone.

People who feel some attraction to both men and women have a choice of whether they want to acknowledge that attraction.  Personally I consider myself bisexual and have been attracted to men and for a long time I assumed that I would fall in love with and marry a man.  If my wife and I ever got divorced I could see myself dating men.  But I didn't "choose" to fall in love with my wife or to be attracted to my wife - that chose me. 

leapgirl8

Why does it matter to him? Is he going to love her more or be nicer to her or help her more or spend more time with her children if she was born gay? That's the real question. Start with that. 

Once you've answered that question, I agree with PP - I didn't choose to be attracted to women as well as men. But I knew a good thing when I saw it when I met my wife 12 years ago, and thank goodness I was brave enough not to walk away from it. 

TaylorandMel

Kershnic:

I honestly don't understand the focus (not just you, but a lot of people) on figuring out whether being LGBT is a choice or not.

This.  

Aside from that, I don't understand the general population's obsession of when people knew.  People realize it at all different ages, just like if you're heterosexual, you realize it at a different time than Tom, Joe, or Sally.  There isn't a magic age of 11.7 yrs, where everyone suddenly knows.  And many people don't live with in boxes & labels, they just love however it's meant to be.

People love differently, what does it matter?  If everyone worried about what they were doing instead of what everyone else is doing there would be far fewer problems in this world.

 I agree with PP, will your husband love her differently depending on how she answers his questions?  If it was me, I'd tell him to mind his own business, unless she's asking questions about your sex life too.

ClickerishReturns

Agreed with the above. Does it matter if it's a choice? Not to me. Does it matter when I knew? No, because my story is complicated. I don't ask people I barely know when and how they lost their virginity, but many feel my desire to be with a woman is fair game for an in-depth conversation. How is one more personal than the other?

But just in case you are actually confused, even if it were a choice, and your H were against it, I am against people who have six children in a world full of orphans, but I am not going to chastise someone because they choose to have six children. If your H is religious, and he's into the hellfire and damnation reasoning, then if I were his sister, I would just stop talking to him. Religion is based on ingrained beliefs that are rarely swayed by what seems logical to those outside of that system. I banged my head against the wall of the Church for years and then realised the answer was to just stop caring.

hanncanna

i completely agree---what does it matter whether someone chooses it or not?

if we don't choose to be gay/lesbian, does that mean we deserve pity because we can't help it? so we need to be taken care of and given rights and protections because it's not our fault?

and if we chose it, well, it's our fault so it's ok to treat us with discrimination?

justice is justice. personal choices incur rights and responsibilities. being a consenting adult citizen incurs rights and responsibilities.

 for what it's worth, my relationship with my female partner is a choice. it's a choice i've made every day for the past 16+ years. i endure consequences---both wonderfully good and a few bad--for this choice. 

funny story--about a year ago, while we were trying to get pregnant, my partner and i were watching a mom wrangling her twins at a water park while her husband snoozed in a chair. she turned to us and said, "you know what these kids need? 2 moms."

now that i am pregnant with twins, my choice is paying off quite nicely!!!  

 

tdmklm

Kershnic:

Did I wake up one day and say "Gee, how could I make my life more difficult?  Having a marriage that is legally and socially recognized everywhere and free romantic access to sperm is just too easy.  I should find a wife instead."  No.  But did I choose to say "yes" to falling in love with my wife?  Yes. 

This.

Kershnic, I feel like I've been dittoing everything you say lately. It makes my life easy not to have to type.  

MurasakiSunshine

My mother still believes my younger sister is gay because she is a "rebelling." Ultimately, it's all about denial. Is your husband religious? In my experience, religious people tend to look for "excuses" for homosexuality because "God doesn't make people gay." Popular excuses include "I have a gay friend who said it was a choice," "rape/sexual abuse by someone of the opposite sex," and "rebelling." Some people know very early on that they are gay. Others take years, sometimes even decades, to discover it and accept it. Everyone is different. Only your husband can change his beliefs. Ask him if he chose to be heterosexul.

Kershnic

tdmklm:

Kershnic:

Did I wake up one day and say "Gee, how could I make my life more difficult?  Having a marriage that is legally and socially recognized everywhere and free romantic access to sperm is just too easy.  I should find a wife instead."  No.  But did I choose to say "yes" to falling in love with my wife?  Yes. 

This.

Kershnic, I feel like I've been dittoing everything you say lately. It makes my life easy not to have to type.  

Haha.  Watch out, you're in the free trial period.  Soon I'm going to start charging.