Joining you...

MrsRichMT

I posted a couple times over on miscarriage/pregnancy loss before I realized this board was here ... so here goes.  Sorry if this gets long.

I went in for my 20-wk a/s on 4/20.  I had a feeling something was wrong since I hadn't felt the baby move (I have 2 kids), but I thought it would just be the position of the placenta or something.  The tech started the scan, and right away I knew something was wrong.  The placenta was huge.  She moved over to the baby, and it just looked so small, but she said, "it's moving around!"  Then she said she couldn't get the right angles so she was going to get the "veteran tech."  She wouldn't say a word.  She just silently measured my baby.  I was watching the numbers -- 16 weeks?!  Praying for growth restriction, anything.  Then she moved to the heart.  Silent.  She put her hand on mine and said, "I'm so sorry, I just don't know."  I was so crushed.  I had been in at 16 weeks and told my midwife I'd had some spotting, but she ignored me.  We listened to the baby's heart, and it sounded great.

The doctor told me that I would have to be induced.  We decided to go in the next morning.  About 45 minutes after they started, I started having terrible back pain and felt a whole bunch of *something* coming out.  I thought it was the baby, so I told MH to get someone NOW.  The nurse came in and found that I had lost 4+ pounds of clots.  Shortly after, I started gushing blood.  The dr came in and was doing compressions to try to stop the bleeding.  There was absolute chaos all around me.  My pulse went sky high and my blood pressure dropped.  I was bleeding to death.  They gave me a blood transfusion and rushed me to surgery.  I heard the doctor say I was going to code. 

They did basically an emergency c-section.  I was able to see my baby.  So perfect, so tiny.  I had just woke up from anesthesia ... how I wish I had asked to hold him.  We didn't even get any pictures of our sweet baby.  I feel like my world has just crashed down.  No one seems to understand.  It's like all that happened was I got sick, like they forgot there was a baby.  Even my husband.  I know men grieve differently, but he's been just mean lately.

My 4-year-old has experienced so much death in her life, and it's just like a fact to her.  But she tries to make me feel better, and I feel so bad that's she's comforting me.  When I cry, she says "It's okay Mommy!  Remember, we'll see the baby again in Heaven!"

I've been lurking here for a few days trying to decide if I wanted to post.  Sometimes it helps just to get it out.  I'm so sorry that anyone has to be here, that a place like this even has to exist.  Thanks for listening to me ramble

foxxy1

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Did you name him?

The women on this board are absolutely amazing and very, very supportive of each other. You can be yourself here and no judgment.

As far as men, they do grieve differently and while I don't justify why YH has been mean, it might be a phase he's going through as he's grieving, too. I know my husband went through a week or so where he was just unbearable to be around. Have you tried talking to him or maybe going to grief counseling? It might help.

We're here for you. Now and always. *HUGS*

karebear57

That would be so scary! I am so sorry for your loss of you little boy. (((Hugs)))

The ladies here are so supportive and wonderful. I hope you can find the support you need. Did you have a name for him? Your DD sounds so sweet! 

FirstTimer02

Thank you for sharing your story.  I may need to induce early due to problems with our little guy, and it helps to hear some of the things that can happen.

ally2011

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.  This board will be very helpful to you I think.  I would also strongly encourage you to find a grief counselor, even if you think you don't need it.  There are also probably local support groups.  There should be someone at your hospital that helps moms who have lost babies.  If not, L&D might have referrals for counselors, or try your local Hospice.

I am so, so sorry.  We are all here for you.

Hugs,
Jenn 

jbranden12

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am sorry for your loss, and for the medical care you received prior to, and for you not being able to hold your precious son or take pictures, and for the lack of support you're receiving. I am just so sorry.

There is nothing that can take the pain of losing our sweet babies away. But I have found this board to be helpful and comforting, and I hope you will too. ((hugs))

Petunia844

I'm so very sorry for your loss and for the distance you feel from your husband.  Men grieve so very differently. 

Auki13

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, and all the obstacles you faced delivering him.  I am sorry that the medical team didn't have you hold your son and that they didn't take pictures, but I am so glad that you got to see him before saying goodbye.  And I am sorry that your husband is being mean.  Yes, men deal with grief differently, but he should not be mean to you especially after all that your body went through.  Would you be able to talk to him at all?  Or go see someone together?
I have two older children and my son was 4 when I had and lost Annabelle.  I am always amazed at how much he seems to understand about death and his perception on life itself.  He has been able to comfort me so many times when I have needed it.  Today I overheard him talking to his friend and they were talking about loving their sisters.  My son said that he loves his little sister (living) and will always love his other sister because she is always in his heart and looking down at him from heaven.  (Cue tears)
I hope that you can find some comfort here with us, these women are amazing.  Please feel free to cry, vent, or ask any questions you may have.  Please be gentle with yourself, and know that what you are feeling is normal and ok.  (((HUGE HUGS)))

tubbsy32

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. That must have also been very scary for you. You and your DH willl def grieve very differently, just try to keep open communication and don't feel bad for what you feel. We are all here to support one another and listen. ((hugs))

eroplane

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. You are among friends. Please vent, ask questions, and lurk when posting feels like too much. 

 I had a unplanned, traumatic delivery and often feel haunted by this. It has helped me to vent on this board and tell anyone who would listen to their birth stories. 

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  

weddedwife

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Did they have any answers as to what caused all the clotting?

I have had 2 pp hemorrhages. The first was 4 weeks pp after my DD was born, I was rushed to the ER where they did an emergency d&c for retained placenta. The 2nd was after my son was born/died in Nov.- the placenta came out in pieces and they feared some was left inside, and I was bleeding heavily. So I am no stranger to traumatic obstetrical experiences.

I hope you can find some comfort on this board. The women here are truly wonderful.

MrsRichMT

Thank you all, so so much.  We named our baby Noah.  As for what caused the bleeding, basically the placenta developed a "mole" (partial molar - basically a benign tumor - although my baby was not "severely malformed"), not leaving enough room for the baby to grow.  Apparently I should never have been induced, as there is a high rate of maternal hemorrhage with this condition.  As for my husband, we have a bit of a rocky relationship.  Sometimes I just need to let out my frustration

Thank you all again.  It's so nice to have a place where it's okay to talk about these things.