How do you deal with the bitterness?

RickandTricia

I'm starting to drive DH (and myself) crazy with being bitter about our loss . I honestly feel like 90% of the time, I'm fine. It seems to only be when I'm around pregnant women that these feelings arise. It's just easier to be bitter than sad.

This may be a bad example, but it's the one that happened most recently. Yesterday at the gym, I chose a treadmill that just happened to be right next to a very pregnant woman about my age. I didn't notice she was pregnant until I heard her and her friend talking about baby names. I did not feel any bitterness toward her personally, but more so just bitterness about my bad luck of choosing a treadmill next to her. 

I want this loss to make me a better person, which means I don't want to be bitter. And I also don't want to cause any more tension between me and DH about this. Any ideas on how to deal?

krisztina33

I'm sorry your stuck in a "bitter" place

I don't know that there is any magic answer as to how to not be bitter...I still find myself having bitter days.  I think it is just part of the grief process.  I'm about a month out from my MC, but I still vacillate between anger, resentment (mostly towards my body right now), sadness, jealousy, bitterness, all that crap.  I try and just take it as it comes and not let any of them consume me.

As far as DH and you are concerned, I had a tough time not taking things out on him.  For me the answer was to get into therapy, and to just keep a really open dialogue with DH--tell him how I am feeling, and not let him try and tell me I didn't need to feel that way.  But I know every MC and every woman is different--those were just the things that have worked for me.

<<hugs>>

VikingQueen

((hugs))

I know exactly what you mean. I went through a period of extreme bitterness with my loss and recently I went through one about happy couples because my marriage fell apart. I don't know exactly what advice to give you because nothing could make me unbitter I know that eventually I got out of it and can be happy for people. Every once in a while the bitter bug will bite but it is few and far between now.

keft514

I have become quite the bitter Betty.  I deal with it by making jokes (just call me Chandler Bing), but that is probably not the right thing to do.  I have started seeing a counselor and she is really helping.  I think that many of us could use a bit of counseling, even just a one time deal, to help us realize that 1. we aren't alone and 2. our feelings are NORMAL.

(((hugs))) to you! 

funny bunny

This loss WILL make you a better person.

It will make all of us better.

But it takes time to heal and find peace. Until you do, and get your rainbow baby, you have *hugs* and *Vibes* from me. 

ella.mabel

Trust me, I get WAY bitter too.  I just try to remind myself that everyone has their own struggles.  That pregnant woman over there that i am extremely jealous of might have had her own previous losses.  She may have lost a child or struggled with infertility.  Having my own loss has taught me never to make assumptions.  Someone else having a baby has nothing to do with the baby that i'm trying to create, and I try to keep those two things separate.  I know it's hard, and sometimes i just plaster a smile to my face and pretend that everything is ok.

Hang in there ((huge hugs))

edinger3

I'm sorry for your loss.  The feelings you are having are normal.  They are part of the grieving process, & you must feel them in order to move on.  I'm about 4 1/2 months out & still have some days where I see a pregnant woman & feel bitter.  Not toward her, but toward the miscarriage, fate, my body, etc.

Some ideas to get past them are to write your feelings down, take out the bitterness on the gym equipment, & just talk it out.  This is a stressful time in your life.  It made my marriage between DH & I stronger.  You have to be able to read him & decide how to handle things.  There were times that I needed support, but I didn't want to hound DH anymore.  I came here to vent or look for advice.  I also have a SIL & DH's cousin who have gone through this, as a support system.

Long story short, you need to find what works best for you.  It's trial & error until you find the best way for you.

paisleybaby33

First off, what you are feeling is so incredibly normal. I just want you to know that I validate your feelings and then in turn your frustrations about having these feelings.

However, the best advice I can give you is two fold. One, give yourself time. Your loss (from what I saw in your siggy) is still very new and fresh. I am 3 months out from my loss and struggle with bitterness a lot. Be patient with yourself. There is no magic recipe or timeline to grief and coping with a loss such as ours. Two, go easy on yourself. I used to beat myself up (and still do sometimes) about how I was feeling. I would get mad at myself for feeling what I was, when in reality, it was so very normal. We are always our worst critics. Be kind to yourself.

So many (HUGS) to you, sweetie.

HopingforChange

I was very bitter, every day, for a long time.  It was hard, but it passed.  Now, I have my moments, but I don't feel that bitterness all the time anymore.  It's funny you posted this now, because I am actually feeling resentful of a friend today.  She is painting baby furniture.  Why does this bother me when other things about her pregnancy don't?  I don't know, but it does.  Bitterness is part of life after loss.  It will ease up. Just try not to focus on it or feel guilty about.  Let it be and it will pass in its time.  ((hugs))

baby101010

ella.mabel:

Trust me, I get WAY bitter too.  I just try to remind myself that everyone has their own struggles.  That pregnant woman over there that i am extremely jealous of might have had her own previous losses.  She may have lost a child or struggled with infertility.  Having my own loss has taught me never to make assumptions.  Someone else having a baby has nothing to do with the baby that i'm trying to create, and I try to keep those two things separate.  I know it's hard, and sometimes i just plaster a smile to my face and pretend that everything is ok.

Hang in there ((huge hugs))

This is great!

DebateThis

I embrace the bitter, lol. It doesn't happen often but there are moments when I'm overcome. It took us several years and several thousand dollars to conceive, only to have it yanked away. I think angry and bitter are perfectly justified emotions and as long as don't either let them overcome your life or intentionally bury them so you don't have to deal with them, it's totally ok to have them.

Oh, and running helps. 

beppa627

You are not alone. I feel exactly the same way!!!! I find myself being bitter against the pregnant women... not the babies.  It's kind of weird, I know.  The way I deal with the bitter is to get it out.  I write in a journal or chat with a friend who is going through the same thing as me.  I get the thoughts out of my head because if I don't they keep going around and around. 

DaisyZH

I'm kind of bitter these days too.  My DH is also not terribly tolerant of my attitude so honestly I turned to the Bump so that I would have people to talk to that would understand and not be annoyed by me.  What helps me most is kind of like a PP mentioned, to just remember that each person has their own struggles.  Then I try to distract myself.  (( Hugs )) I hope we all feel less bitter as time goes on.

RickandTricia

ella.mabel:

Trust me, I get WAY bitter too.  I just try to remind myself that everyone has their own struggles.  That pregnant woman over there that i am extremely jealous of might have had her own previous losses.  She may have lost a child or struggled with infertility.  Having my own loss has taught me never to make assumptions.  Someone else having a baby has nothing to do with the baby that i'm trying to create, and I try to keep those two things separate.  I know it's hard, and sometimes i just plaster a smile to my face and pretend that everything is ok.

Hang in there ((huge hugs))

I need to remember this!

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Trust me, it is a huge relief to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I was seriously starting to wonder if I was just a bad person! I'm so glad to be somewhere that I feel normal. 

GraceInCA

I know it's cliche, but therapy does help. It makes a huge difference. It doesn't have to be frequent, or even long-term, but speaking with a professional will make such a difference in your outlook and your daily life.

One of the things that I learned was that I needed to allow myself to feel what I was feeling. If the feeling of jealousy came up when seeing a pregnant woman, my instinct (because this is what I've been taught since childhood - what most of us have been taught) is to supress and push down that feeling. Since it has been drilled into our heads that jealousy is a "green-eyed monster" and is not a good or valid emotion, we never let ourselves experience it fully. This is where a lot of the bitterness comes from.  Once you give yourself permission to feel jealous, and explore that feeling, you'll find in time it diminishes. It won't have as much meaning as it did the first time, or the fifth time. Do I still feel jealous? Yeah, sometimes I do. But it's just a far-away, vague notion. It's not a crippling, verge-of-tears feeling anymore.

I hope you are doing ok today, and you do even better tomorrow.