so angry- need to vent it out

medblais

This weekend was a horrible one for me, beginning with a bachelorette party I REALLY did not want to go to that began with two strangers asking if the girl we were waiting for was the one whose baby got sick. No, that was me. And when they ask how the baby is now, I have to tell them she died. What a nice, awkward way to begin an outing. The next day was mother's day, which is the second whammy of the week, as my baby girl was born mother's day of last year (May 8th, last Tuesday was her 1st birthday). I told family that we were avoiding Mother's Day this year, that I did not want an acknowledgement of any kind. Family and friends were very respectful of my wishes; it was the random acquaintances that were not. One girl from the bachelorette party who said nothing to me the whole time we were together texted me 12 hours after we had gone our separate ways. She said she knew it must be hard but I'm still a mom. A roommate from college that I had a big falling out with while in college emailed my husband saying she was thinking about me. I went to work today and a coworker I hardly speak to said she was thinking about me yesterday. All I can think of is that yes it must be easy to think of me while you are sitting at home with your family and your children as you enjoy your mother's day- I make you appreciate your kids more because its easy to think about that mom you know that doesn't have her kid anymore and Wow that must be hard. Each random person that said she was thinking about me felt like a stab. I know they mean well, and they can't imagine how angry it makes me. It feels like a slap in the face though, because I feel like they are pitying me, and I don't want their pity. I want my baby. I don't want them to remember me on Mother's Day. My frustrations are just turning into this anger that keeps growing.  I'm sorry if this sound like a self pity-party; Sunday was just such a hard day for me, and today I'm not doing much better.

weddedwife

I'm so sorry. And you are right, it does just SUCK. I hate that people are willing to text... 12 hours later, or email... your husband, but are too chicken to say something to your face. You are further out from your loss than I am, but I find that my anger has not subsided much. I am still angry at the people who never called, never sent a card. I am angry at the people who avoid me, or stare and whisper. I'm angry at acquaintances who I know know about our loss yet said nothing the first time we saw them afterwards.

I loathe feeling awkward in social situations, feeling isolated, feeling pitied. I don't want to be seen as "strong" or any of those stupid cliche things. I am angry that people claim "I don't know what to say" but can't take 5 minutes to google "what to say when someone loses a baby" and figure it out.

My point is, that I understand all of your feelings. I am angry too, and I don't like it but I can't help it. I hate that any of us ever have to feel any of these things. So I'm sending you a big hug, and hoping that tomorrow is slightly better.

eroplane

weddedwife:

I'm so sorry. And you are right, it does just SUCK. I hate that people are willing to text... 12 hours later, or email... your husband, but are too chicken to say something to your face. You are further out from your loss than I am, but I find that my anger has not subsided much. I am still angry at the people who never called, never sent a card. I am angry at the people who avoid me, or stare and whisper. I'm angry at acquaintances who I know know about our loss yet said nothing the first time we saw them afterwards.

I loathe feeling awkward in social situations, feeling isolated, feeling pitied. I don't want to be seen as "strong" or any of those stupid cliche things. I am angry that people claim "I don't know what to say" but can't take 5 minutes to google "what to say when someone loses a baby" and figure it out.

My point is, that I understand all of your feelings. I am angry too, and I don't like it but I can't help it. I hate that any of us ever have to feel any of these things. So I'm sending you a big hug, and hoping that tomorrow is slightly better.

This. ALL of this. I am not far out but I am soooo angry at people for the same reasons you mentioned. I frown and give mean faces like its my job. Oh and I am so sick of being strong. I didn't want this!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. Big hugs.  

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I swear this is the biggest reason why I don't like going out anymore.  We're supposed to be going out to the track the weekend of the Indy 500 like we do pretty much every year to visit friends that are in town.  I really don't want to go this year because I just know I'll get the "she's THAT girl" look.  I hate that look.  We went out a few months ago with my DH's boss and a few other people we didn't know.  When we got there my DH and I were being stared at.  At first I thought maybe it was because my DH is 6'8" and we do get stared at a lot for that but I realized my DH's boss's wife had told everyone there what had happened so we got that "oh, that's THOSE people" look.

I wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day either.  My DH explained to his parents that we weren't going to be coming to their house for the cookout they had planned.  They said they understood.  I just didn't want to deal with them that day.  His mom called that night and said she wants to come over sometime this week to drop off a gift she got for me.  I don't want to sound ungrateful but I really don't want whatever it is.  I had a few friends text me/message me on Mother's Day.  A few were very oblivious about it but one very good friend (who's baby is in the NICU and has been for over 100 days) acknowledged that today must be difficult and that Corbin was so thankful I was his mommy and that he loves me very much.  I appreciated that she at least acknowledged how difficult the day was.  No - you're still a mommy b.s.  It was refreshing.  This weekend we have my nephew's birthday party and I'm dreading it.  First, it's the first party I'm attempting to go to since we lost Corbin and I also don't want to deal with my brother-in-law's in-laws.  I know they'll say something stupid.  I'm also not very happy with DH's brother right now so this should be interesting.  

Sorry, I'm totally rambling now.  I think we have every right to be angry.  So many un-fair things have happened to us.  {{HUGS}}

jbranden12

I'm so sorry you had such a rough weekend. I have a bachelorette party coming up that I'm not sure about. It's just like I have nothing to offer. In the few social situations I've been in, like going out to lunch with coworkers, I just sit there. It's not that I try to be miserable, I just got nothin'.

For mother's day, there was no winning. My husband and family acknowledged me and gave me beautiful gifts, but I cried. But it would have hurt if they didn't do anything. I was so confused about my feelings. I believe the few people who said they were thinking of me truly meant it. They love me and were sad for my pain.

But I can understand how it would be maddening for random people to tell you they are thinking of you. People who don't know you or your daughter, and who haven't taken the time. People for whom, you're just a sad statistic. It sucks.

StephK86

This is why I only hang out with my family. I do not want people asking me questions or feeling awkward. I hate the people who never said anything to my face or even over the phone but found it appropriate to message me on FB saying they were sorry my son died.

I literally have no friends left. The ones that stuck around say the most ignorant things and I do not feel I should just accept their bad behavior because "they don't know any better." Like pp said google what to say do some research. If you claim to be such a good friend then take five minutes out of your day to figure out how to talk to me.

I had a similar awkward experience at a football game. My SO's family wanted us to get out of the house so they bought us some tickets to a game. I actually wasn't having too bad of a time until I heard the one cousin's gf whisper "Are they the ones whose baby died?" I turned around and said yes that would be my son who pased. Instead of her feeling stupid she then sat there and asked me a million questions. After that my day was ruined of course.

I am sorry you had to deal with those stupid girls and the dumb messages. I hope today is better for you.

hugs

BrittanyLeannM10

I totally can relate & I feel your pain. Its like everyones there makiing the situation even more worse. Sometimes I wanna get away & disappear from it all & just start new where nowon knows me but I could never just keep my little baby a secret but still it can be so hard to deal with people sometimes.