Joining you :-(

J&M0610 · May 2012

My sleeping son was born on Wednesday May 9th at almost 30 weeks after going to the hospital for decreased fetal movement on Tuesday. I thought I had felt him kicking on Tuesday morning as I laid in bed but just to keep my mind at ease I called the Dr and was told to go to the hospital. Went there and they took me to triage and put the monitor on my stomach and no HB...I was praying to hear something...the nurse moved the monitor around and even got another on just to make sure with the same result. Then an ultrasound was ordered and it showed no movement at all...I was crushed! I had to call my husband and tell him over the phone. He rushed over and they got me ready for induction. I had so many thoughts go through my head and so many emotions. He ended up being breech when it was time to push and at 11:45am on Wednesday he was born. I had an epidural so I didn't feel anything at all and it only took 3 pushes. They took him out of the room right away and the Dr told me that he had been gone for "a while"...he couldn't tell me how long but I was too emotional to listen. "How could I not have known he had passed sooner?" I kept thinking.

I did see him (my husband decided not to) so that brought some closure but those lingering questions were still around. We decided to have an autopsy done and cremate him after that. I was released on Thursday and cried the whole way home. On Friday we went to the funeral home and I signed all the papers. We decided for me to go to my parents house for a few days just to recover and for me to have some additional help for my daughter.

I should get the autopsy results in a few weeks, and I hope that the results can tell us what went wrong. So many questions have been running through my head and I have been thinking back to the last week to see if I can think of anything that I may have done to have this happen. I had a routine Dr appt on May 1st and everything was fine...so what went wrong???

I have cried everyday since Tuesday and today is the first day I did not cry. I know that I have to be strong for my DD so I try not to cry around her. I'm doing better, but my mind wonders many times though out the day. What has made it harder is that my milk came in on Friday and slowly the pain is going away but every once in a while I get the shooting pains in my boobs :-( Friday and Saturday I had the worst pain...the slightest movement made me cry!!!

Sorry for this post being long...I actually wrote a post on Thursday but I couldn't bring myself to post it so soon after it happened.

mollywobbles13 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. The women here are so great and very helpful. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to feel everything you need to. *hugs*

cherrycobbler · May 2012

I'm so sorry you are joining us here. I hope this board is able to bring you a little comfort and company as the women here are all amazing, understanding and wise. If you don't mind sharing, did you name your son? Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Much love and (hugs) to you and your family.

whiteroses05 · May 2012

I truely am sorry for your loss!!! Know that you are not alone, the ladies here are really supportive and are here to listen. You have a rollcoaster of emotions were you will have a good days and not so good days. Cry when you need to cry and lay in bed when you need to. I know it doesnt seem like it know it does get managable not that the pain ever goes way you just learn how to move on with your day. Like I said there are really supportive ladies on here who are here to listen or just answer questions. Again I am sorry you have to join our board, but I hope you find comfort here as I have.

J&M0610 · May 2012

Thank you. We actually did not officially name him. We decided that when we have another one and if it is a boy we will give him the same name, and if it is a girl we will give her the female variation of his name. I did go back and forth in my mind if that was the right thing to do and also if it is weird that we will decide to give another baby the same name. I still think about it, but try not to let it affect me too much because it will break me down and I already feel so weak.

The weird thing is I was watching a baby story on that Tuesday morning and a family on there did the same thing...I was surprised when I heard them say that but now I understand why they did it.

foxxy1 · May 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. Did you name him?

The ladies here are absolutely amazing and very, very supportive of each other. You can be yourself here and no judgment. You're among friends now. *HUGS*

karebear57 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy! I had a similar thing happen to me. I was 25wks and I felt no movement for almost a wk and kept telling my self maybe she's moving around while I'm sleeping? Then I thought I felt her move almost a wk later. And a couple wks later I had another u/s and found no heartbeat, no movement. They thought she had passed a couple of wks before my u/s. I had no fluid left and they thought I had had an infection. We also had an autopsy and it came back she was perfectly healthy. What is your son's name? Again, I'm sorry you have to be here. I really hope you find the support you need. This a wonderful board full of the nicest women ever!

jbranden12 · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. Your story sounds very similar to mine; I also had to tell my husband what happened over the phone so he could rush to the hospital and it was simply awful. We did an autopsy but no reason could be found for what caused my baby girl's heart to stop beating.

I hope the pain of your milk coming in will be over soon. Know that we are here for you. Post as often or as little as you like and take care of yourself. ((hugs))

krysiahamaty · May 2012

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hate that you have to be on this board but I hope you find some support and comfort here with these amazing ladies. big hugs

tuscanbride2007 · May 2012

I am so sorry for you loss of your sweet boy! I am always sorry to see someone joining us.

Allow yourself to grieve, it is a very messy process. I hope that this board will be a comfort for you during this difficult time. Hugs to you.

whiteroses05 · May 2012

My H and I did the same thing with not naming our baby and are going to use our names for our next baby. I understand why you did it. We lossed our baby at 21 weeks due to a bladder obstruction (worst one they have seen). We never got to know whether we had a son or daughter. I glad you got to at least see you little boy. Once again sorry for your loss.

weddedwife · May 2012

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hate it every time I see an intro on this board. I won't lie, this is a very hard thing to go through. I too have an older child and caring for her while grieving was extremely difficult those first few weeks. I still have my moments but I am now mostly able to keep it together around her.

My advice is, allow her to see your grief, to a degree. This is how children learn about grieving and that it is a normal process. She has lost something too.

Big huge hugs to you! The women here are amazingly supportive. Feel free to post anything at all, we've seen it all.

J&M0610 · May 2012

weddedwife:
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hate it every time I see an intro on this board. I won't lie, this is a very hard thing to go through. I too have an older child and caring for her while grieving was extremely difficult those first few weeks. I still have my moments but I am now mostly able to keep it together around her.

My advice is, allow her to see your grief, to a degree. This is how children learn about grieving and that it is a normal process. She has lost something too.

Big huge hugs to you! The women here are amazingly supportive. Feel free to post anything at all, we've seen it all.

Thank you...she has seen me cry a little but not that much. I got a little scared because when she saw me on Friday (she has been with my parents since Tuesday) she said "Mommy was crying at the doctors" That broke my heart! She did visit me in the hospital on Tuesday and Wednesday and I don't want her to think that you have to cry at the doctors office or that the doctor always means pain.

I know I said in my first post that I didn't cry today but about 2 hours ago I started crying while talking to my husband. This is so hard! I want to know why this happened! This baby was a surprise that we were not planning at all. In fact I wanted to wait another year before we had another one so I just don't understand why we were given this special gift only for it to be taken away?

eroplane · May 2012

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. Hugs.

StephK86 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss sweetheart. It is so unfair this has to happen. I am keeping you in my thought and prayers. HUGE HUGS

Heatherhah · May 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am also sorry you have to join us. I also have a DD she is now 4 but was 3 when our second DD passed. It was hard for me to parent her early on I was a zombie. My best advice for you with her is talk about your son and help her to understand it was important for us to talk about Sydney to our first DD. i wanted her to see pictures and know she has a sister but she is in heaven. It has been almost 8 months since we lost our DD and my oldest DD is okay she talks about her all the time. Kids really do understand more than we give them credit for I was so surprised. Hugs to you. You are not alone please come here for anything you need, We area ll here to help you through this tough time.

jlgraham7 · May 2012

I am so sorry that you have to be joining this group. I know you had different plans. Be gentle to yourself. Try to no blame. It only makes the pain worse. Hugs and prayers to your family.

FirstTimer02 · May 2012

[Deleted User] · May 2012

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magdalina.h · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't have a child before my loss, but I don't think you have to be strong for your daughter. I think it may help her to see you cry. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG to cause him to pass! I hope you find the comfort from these ladies that you need.

BootsOrHearts · May 2012

I'm so sorry for you. Something similar happened to me at 18 weeks, I can only imagine it is that much worse for you at 30 weeks. Our LO passed away and it was at least a week before we found out, still no reason/cause and we might never get one.

I hope you are able to heal and you find some comfort and support here. For me it's been helpful to tell my story and hear from ladies who have had similar experiences, it helps me to know I'm not alone. Know that you aren't either!

samakasrc · May 2012

J&M0610:

weddedwife:
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hate it every time I see an intro on this board. I won't lie, this is a very hard thing to go through. I too have an older child and caring for her while grieving was extremely difficult those first few weeks. I still have my moments but I am now mostly able to keep it together around her.

My advice is, allow her to see your grief, to a degree. This is how children learn about grieving and that it is a normal process. She has lost something too.

Big huge hugs to you! The women here are amazingly supportive. Feel free to post anything at all, we've seen it all.

Thank you...she has seen me cry a little but not that much. I got a little scared because when she saw me on Friday (she has been with my parents since Tuesday) she said "Mommy was crying at the doctors" That broke my heart! She did visit me in the hospital on Tuesday and Wednesday and I don't want her to think that you have to cry at the doctors office or that the doctor always means pain.

I know I said in my first post that I didn't cry today but about 2 hours ago I started crying while talking to my husband. This is so hard! I want to know why this happened! This baby was a surprise that we were not planning at all. In fact I wanted to wait another year before we had another one so I just don't understand why we were given this special gift only for it to be taken away?

I'm so sorry your joining this board, but welcome. I know you'll find a lot of love and support here. I too have another child who was 18 months when Gabriel passed. Our story was slightly different. Evelyn was 9 months old when I got pregnant again, it was a complete surprise (I was on BC) but we were scared but excited. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound that he had a terminal condition and would not live. We carried him to term and delivered him natural - he was also breech (I cant have an epidural - sure wish I could have though!)... I have felt the same way as you many times. Why would we be surprised with such a special gift only to have it ripped out of our arms.

I have cried in front of Evelyn, although she's still a little young to truly understand what it means. She points at her brothers pictures and makes sad faces now though...

I'll be sending thoughts and prayers for your peace and healing during this time...

((hugs))

ally2011 · May 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to feel somewhat "normal" and you will still think about your baby everyday. We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn