New here... Help me leave.

BeachBlondie456

Long story short as best I can... I'm really thinking I want to leave my H, but I need a final shove to do it. We have been married about a year and a half and our lo is 7 months. Honestly, I can't even remember why I fell in love with Him. I do not like him, and we cannot even hold a conversation without arguing. He is very controlling, and extremely mean. He has not physically hurt me, but I would not put it past him. He just got out o the military and is working in another state. He only sees Me and LO twice a month or a few days. I have completely raised this baby on my own. She does not even know him. Money is an issue. I have no savings and our joint account is basically empty because he has so many bills (credit cards he failed to tell me about prior to getting married)... We moved out of state away from my family two months ago. I know I can live with my Mother but how do I get there? My family has no money to help me out. I am a SAHM and I need to finish school. Can someone PLEASE help me figure out a plan to get out of here? We have talked divorce multiple times, we are clearly both miserable. I have tried everything to make this relationship work and he flat out says he doesn't care what I do. He has threatened to take me I court and take the baby from me completely. I'm freaked out. I cannot let him get any kind of unsupervised visitation because he is very irresponsible, smokes over the counter drug stuff called spice, that is basically just like weed, and he is extemely angry/bipolar I would fear for my Los safety. How do I get an attorney with no money? What are the chances he would get the baby? Why is it so hard to leave? Sorry this is a jumble, I'm on my phone. Thanks in advance.

ashleyann331

It sounds like you don't really need another reason to separate. If your not happy then that is reason enough. Yes its hard, and its going to be that way for a long time. Its also something that becomes more manageable over time.Things have a funny way of sort of working themselves out over time, even if there is no way that seems possible right now.

Take things step by step, that way its less over whelming. I would figure out how to move out of the house first, living in the same house (or even your marital home) after you have filed for divorce or consulted a lawyer won't go over well. That will be very difficult but its a vital step in the process of moving on with your life. Consulting a lawyer is not going to cost you anything, and a lot of them will give special rates (most often the ones that specialize in divorces and family matters) you just have to come up with a decent amount for a deposit to the retainer fee, if being able to pay anything at all is not a possibility for you, then look into legal assistance. Most of them are pro bono or a very low rate. 

I wouldn't worry about your husband being able to take your child from you completely. Yes, you will need to share custody with him unless there is a safety issue for you or your child and it sounds like you may have legitimate concerns but that is for the judge to decide. Just be sure to express your concerns and provide any proof you have when it comes to sorting out custody/child support/etc. Unfortunately with the Spice stuff, its legal (ugh.... I think that stuff has got to be the stupidest thing on the planet) so it would be like trying to prove tobacco smoking is reason to have him have supervised visitation. Keep all records of his threats and any harassment though because family court judges don't tolerate that very well. Always keep your child's best interest in mind and let that be your motivator.

The hardest part of this whole process (at least for me) was to finally get the strength to push myself to do it. There were (and still are at moments of pregnancy hormone induced meltdowns) times where I figured staying with my STBXH was easier in every aspect of the situation EXCEPT for me emotionally. My STBXH won't claim the baby (even though he has admitted to me that he knows this is his baby) just to get out of helping me support the baby, to get out of putting the baby on his insurance right away, and just having to be responsible in general. My STBXH has a very good job where as I didn't have a job at the time and very little savings, he kept our house and I had to move in with my mom and step dad due to not being able to afford a place on my own, he has insurance so the baby would have been covered but I had to get medicaid for the baby in case my STBXH doesn't put the baby on his like hes supposed to, and just the overall sense of being alone really seemed overwhelming to me. Oddly though, despite all the the hard parts of this are totally over weighed by the good. Eventually you will get to that point too.

 

 

JCGreene85

BeachBlondie456:

Long story short as best I can... I'm really thinking I want to leave my H, but I need a final shove to do it. We have been married about a year and a half and our lo is 7 months. Honestly, I can't even remember why I fell in love with Him. I do not like him, and we cannot even hold a conversation without arguing. He is very controlling, and extremely mean. He has not physically hurt me, but I would not put it past him. He just got out o the military and is working in another state. He only sees Me and LO twice a month or a few days. I have completely raised this baby on my own. She does not even know him. Money is an issue. I have no savings and our joint account is basically empty because he has so many bills (credit cards he failed to tell me about prior to getting married)... We moved out of state away from my family two months ago. I know I can live with my Mother but how do I get there? My family has no money to help me out. I am a SAHM and I need to finish school. Can someone PLEASE help me figure out a plan to get out of here? We have talked divorce multiple times, we are clearly both miserable. I have tried everything to make this relationship work and he flat out says he doesn't care what I do. He has threatened to take me I court and take the baby from me completely. I'm freaked out. I cannot let him get any kind of unsupervised visitation because he is very irresponsible, smokes over the counter drug stuff called spice, that is basically just like weed, and he is extemely angry/bipolar I would fear for my Los safety. How do I get an attorney with no money? What are the chances he would get the baby? Why is it so hard to leave? Sorry this is a jumble, I'm on my phone. Thanks in advance.

 

It's hard to leave because you are in your "comfort zone" with him. When you leave you will find a whole new comfort zone for you and your LO. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your LO, or because your afraid of change is not a good idea. If you are both miserable you can start over. He can't just take LO away from you. He'd have to prove that you are a terrible mother/on drugs/drinks 24-7 ect. He is trying to manipulate you and scare you.

Since you're married he will be entitled to supervision if you split. It would be hard to prove he is unfit by what you said above. You have to have evidence, pictures, receipts ect. Many lawyers will do payment plans for you but most often you have to have the retainer beforehand. Please dont stay in an un happy marriage just because of money. Call your local CS agency and they can probably help set you up with someone from the state or know someone who will do it pro-bono.

 

Stop putting money in the joint account and open up a new one at a different bank. Put whatever money you are bringing in there. I know you said you are a SAHM but he must give you some funds or maybe pick up a part time job to save some cash if your parents can babysit. There are tons of options. Keep your head up. This is a great bunch of strong women so dont be shy! Good luck