Adultery in the military=ruined careers?

emmasue18

So, I found out my husband (an officer) has had an ongoing affair with another officer while they have been in intelligence training at Goodfellow AFB. Immediately I spoke with her and told her what I was feeling, and she informed me that neither me or her husband were supposed to find out. Not a very smart girl. So, I contacted her husband. I told my husband the entire time that I was going to talk to her and then her husband. Well she is flipping out telling my husband that both of their careers are ruined because her husband is in the FBI and will go to their higher ups. Confused yet? So my husband is blaming ME for ruining everything they've worked for. Tell me this is NOT my fault and I am NOT in the wrong. To me, they should've thought about all of that before they fvcked each other, right?

But what I am really wondering....can this really get them kicked out/lose rank/etc. I've never heard of that before!

Emilia0101

While I can 100% understand why you would we set on outing both of them I would look at the big picture here. Are you planning on staying with him? If you are that is a dark cloud that hangs over a person as well as their career for life. Talk spreads fast and the people you will be interacting with will probably know 10 versions of the truth before you know it. If you are planning on leaving him do you want him to risk losing rank, monetary fine, criminal action because yes it is punishable under the UCMJ. His loss in pay or a job could impact you for child support, alimony, etc.

Again, I would be hurt so bad if I were you but remember that sometimes it is best to take the high ground and move on from the situation. The military isn't like a civilian employer where two people hook up on a business trip and the only consequences are for the families it will impact every aspect of their career and life. Not saying it is right, but just saying I would not be on a quest to out both of them publicly because it could end up hurting you in the end and this is in no way your fault.

beachbum4304

This is NOT your fault and you are NOT wrong. How dare he blame you for something he knows good and well was wrong. And as an officer he knows what is at stake career-wise by having an affair. But as pp stated if you are planning on sticking it out with him it could/will have a big effect on his career which will effect you and your children. I've known of affairs that weren't reported because the wife knew if he didn't have a job she wouldn't get as much child support. So I'm not saying don't report them just know what the consequences will be beforehand. But DO NOT let him turn this around on you. He made that decision. 

BLT20051

It is punishable under UCMJ but it is extremely rare that it is successfully prosecuted because it's really hard to prove. And I agree with the others, they should have thought about that before, none of this is your fault.

emmasue18

JUST TO BE CLEAR---I plan on going nowhere with this. I felt her husband had a right to know and both of them said he was going to be left in the dark. It was after I told my husband I spoke with hers that everyone flipped out. I agree that I need to leave his career alone. Though, I wouldn't mind hers going up in flames. Sorry---I'm still slightly raving mad.

BLT20051

emmasue18:

JUST TO BE CLEAR---I plan on going nowhere with this. I felt her husband had a right to know and both of them said he was going to be left in the dark. It was after I told my husband I spoke with hers that everyone flipped out. I agree that I need to leave his career alone. Though, I wouldn't mind hers going up in flames. Sorry---I'm still slightly raving mad.

 

Why hers? How is that fair? He's just as guilty as she is. If anything, you should be more mad at him. I have never understood why we as women tend to blame the other woman. 

Emilia0101

Bacon+lettuce+tomato:

emmasue18:

JUST TO BE CLEAR---I plan on going nowhere with this. I felt her husband had a right to know and both of them said he was going to be left in the dark. It was after I told my husband I spoke with hers that everyone flipped out. I agree that I need to leave his career alone. Though, I wouldn't mind hers going up in flames. Sorry---I'm still slightly raving mad.

 

Why hers? How is that fair? He's just as guilty as she is. If anything, you should be more mad at him. I have never understood why we as women tend to blame the other woman. 

 

I agree 100%. I have a hard time believing the guys that play the innocent card. They both cheated. Pushing blame will only ensure the cycle happens again. He needs to own his own actions not blame you or that other girl.

emmasue18

Emilia0101:

Bacon+lettuce+tomato:

emmasue18:

JUST TO BE CLEAR---I plan on going nowhere with this. I felt her husband had a right to know and both of them said he was going to be left in the dark. It was after I told my husband I spoke with hers that everyone flipped out. I agree that I need to leave his career alone. Though, I wouldn't mind hers going up in flames. Sorry---I'm still slightly raving mad.

 

Why hers? How is that fair? He's just as guilty as she is. If anything, you should be more mad at him. I have never understood why we as women tend to blame the other woman. 

 

I agree 100%. I have a hard time believing the guys that play the innocent card. They both cheated. Pushing blame will only ensure the cycle happens again. He needs to own his own actions not blame you or that other girl.

Her career doesn't pay our bills. Trust me, I am more mad at my husband. He knows this.

Dancer6978

First, I'm so sorry.  There aren't enough words I can find to describe the horror of what he has done to you.  Second, If I were you, I'd make an appointment with your local JA office, stat.  Make sure you set yourself up for your future, just in case.

shanaboo1

I am so sorry for your situation, it must be excruciating!  You should check out surviving infidelity . Com   It is a great support site for those effected by infidelity, hope this helped.  

saraid2426

I am so sorry for what you are going through and it is not your fault.  When it comes to adultery you need to have proof like a picture of them doing the mcnasty or a text saying he cheating (etc.).  He will probably lose a rank and be asked to go to counseling.  I now this because I deal with it all the time in the Navy with other wives.  Good Luck!!!

LeahCK

I'm sorry. This sucks. I would have done the same thing and more, a black eye, some bruises. It's his fault and NO ONE else's!!!! 

It is absolutely against the UCMJ. It depends on so many factors, how angry someone gets and starts making phone calls to their superiors, what the superiors do with the information, etc. I have seen enough affairs in the Army, Navy and Marines (just simply having been in the army, grew up in a navy area and working around marines). I have seen as little as NOTHING happening to as far as a situation where both were kicked out!! I have also seen a scenario where one was kicked out because a jealous x-spouse made accusations with no proof but their accusations of what they claimed they saw was used in the investigation, it was fought and overturned. The economy doesn't work in their favor when the branches are looking for reasons to slim down.

I think the way that he's treating you is APPALLING and can't imagine why you would even stay but do what's right for you. I'd at least leave for a little while, does he think he can treat you like this? Is this his first affair? Will this be his last?  I personally would hope her husband 

 Good Luck and keep us informed. 

HisChamaoleGirl

Bacon+lettuce+tomato:

It is punishable under UCMJ but it is extremely rare that it is successfully prosecuted because it's really hard to prove. And I agree with the others, they should have thought about that before, none of this is your fault.

This.

The only time I have seen a couple get in trouble for adultry is bc they both admitted to it and there were photographs and videos to prove the affair.

12bailey18

They're careers absolutely can be ruined and it's not that rare, actually. We know a Marine officer that was kicked out because of an affair. His wife called his command and he was ordered to stay away from this woman (another Marine.) Well, wouldn't you know, he broke the order and he's out. I have no idea how the other branches handle it but the Marine Corps is pretty strict. Let me be clear- it is NOT your fault. And yes, they should have thought about all of that before. You may not know the rules of the military but I guarantee you, they know the rules and they know what's at stake. They should have thought about all of that before.

ufsandra85

I personally would tell her husband he has a right to know. But that is just me. it isn't fair that everyone knows except him

amazing88

Yes, it can and does ruin careers. I've personally seen 2 E7s get kicked out for fraternization with an E4. Both of the E7s were married. I understand the rank difference had the most to do with the outcome, but they were still ordered to call and inform their wives about the situation.
I know the UCMJ is the same military wide, but I'm not sure how it's handled on the officer side for adultry.

beachbum4304

My husband is an officer and he says that as an officer you can loose a rank or get kicked out forr adultery. Here at our base an o4 or o5 (can't remember) got booted for an affair. It just depends on your co and who decides your fate. 

Sallymally

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

LemonLover33

ufsandra85:

I personally would tell her husband he has a right to know. But that is just me. it isn't fair that everyone knows except him

I would be furious if someone new my husband was cheating and didn't tell me. 

Lissa832

It can absolutely ruin their careers. Even if they aren't kicked out, it can make promotion very difficult. There is no career if their is no forward motion. Is it your fault? No. Make sure you are placing blame where it belongs though. The blame is 100% on your husband. In the other woman's marriage, the blame is 100% on her. She shouldn't factor into your equation because she didn't make vows to you. Your H did, and he's a douche.

NSL

Sallymally:

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

So if your H was having an affair you wouldn't want the other spouse to give you a heads-up?  If so, you're an idiot.  He needs an STD panel just like the OP, and just like he he deserves to know the truth so he can decide how to proceed.   

dee & bee

Just wanted to throw in here that their clearances could be revoked too. And as intel officers, it could redirect their career entirely. Your husbands career could very well be on the line. Be careful, have a plan before you react from here-on-out.

If you choose to get a divorce you'll need to go off base because base legal does not advise member or spouse regarding divorce. Think about what you really want for your family as a whole. There are many resources, like militaryonesource.com, that provides free marital counseling.

Good luck hun!

BeachBabe22

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I would have done the same thing and told her husband.  If your husband and the other officer get in trouble at work then that is on them.  They knew before they started their affair that it goes against everything the military stands for.  Your husband should not be turning this around on you.  HE is the one who is wrong.  Best of luck with everything. 

hmestey11

From my experience seeing adultry in the military, it's hard to get punished unless both sides either agree/confess to it, or there's actual proof (pictures, texts, etc..)

 

MrsOjoButtons

hmestey11:

From my experience seeing adultry in the military, it's hard to get punished unless both sides either agree/confess to it, or there's actual proof (pictures, texts, etc..)

 

I know the AF teaches about PERSEC, Mestey. 

Sallymally

NSL:

Sallymally:

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

So if your H was having an affair you wouldn't want the other spouse to give you a heads-up?  If so, you're an idiot.  He needs an STD panel just like the OP, and just like he he deserves to know the truth so he can decide how to proceed.   

I wouldn't want anyone but my spouse to tell me. It's high school BS to have someone else tell you. Also, getting routine testing for STDs is something to do annually.

BLT20051

Sallymally:

NSL:

Sallymally:

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

So if your H was having an affair you wouldn't want the other spouse to give you a heads-up?  If so, you're an idiot.  He needs an STD panel just like the OP, and just like he he deserves to know the truth so he can decide how to proceed.   

I wouldn't want anyone but my spouse to tell me. It's high school BS to have someone else tell you. Also, getting routine testing for STDs is something to do annually.

 

So if your husband had no intention of telling you; you'd rather just not know at all? And STDs aren't done annually for everyone. Especially if you're in what you think is a loving and committed relationship.  

hansonam446

First of all, don't feel bad for one minute. He deserves to get kicked down especially for not only cheating on you but the entire family. My first husband cheated on me and I was so torn about it. I was angry but confused. Now, the military DOES NOT condone adultery and they could get in trouble...but it may not be severe. My ex turned himself in, before the girl's husband could, and they "lost the paperwork" because he was such a squared away soldier. I don't know if it was just his unit but the army seems to be pretty lax about soldiers cheating unless there is some photographic proof. Now, if you push it, you could very well get him in trouble but that's on you. I wish I would've pressed the matter but I couldn't bring myself to do it at the time. Good luck to you. It's not easy, I know but you WILL be happy again.

hunt2005

emmasue18:

So, I found out my husband (an officer) has had an ongoing affair with another officer while they have been in intelligence training at Goodfellow AFB. Immediately I spoke with her and told her what I was feeling, and she informed me that neither me or her husband were supposed to find out. Not a very smart girl. So, I contacted her husband. I told my husband the entire time that I was going to talk to her and then her husband. Well she is flipping out telling my husband that both of their careers are ruined because her husband is in the FBI and will go to their higher ups. Confused yet? So my husband is blaming ME for ruining everything they've worked for. Tell me this is NOT my fault and I am NOT in the wrong. To me, they should've thought about all of that before they fvcked each other, right?

But what I am really wondering....can this really get them kicked out/lose rank/etc. I've never heard of that before!

No it is not your fault. Yes, you did the right thing. Yes, they can get kicked out. It is a violation of the UCMJ and therefore they can be held accountable for it and be kicked out, especially as officers.

That said, I think the big question is whether or not you want the marriage to continue and forgive him, or if it was such a long standing affair that its not forgiveable/obviously not a one time accident or something that might be a different situation.

They knew the rules. They broke them. They should be held accountable. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds to me like they're trying to make you feel bad in hopes that you'll renig what you said and hope it all brushes under the rug.

hunt2005

Sallymally:

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

I disagree. If my husband was cheating on me with a female and her husband found out, you better believe I'd want him to call and tell me, and I would do the same if it were the other way around. Both of the spouses in the situation deserve to know what is going on behind their backs, and then decide how they want to handle it. It's not up to the lying cheating parties who finds out that they're screwing around. Don't do it if you don't want everyone to find out.

hunt2005

Sallymally:

NSL:

Sallymally:

I'm probably the only one who thinks you talking to another woman's husband is wrong. It is none of your business if she is lying and cheating on HER spouse. And if you think he has a right to know, it's not your duty to inform him. I think you are completely in the wrong for saying anything to the husband or the woman your husband is having an affair with. What does that accomplish? You are either going to stay with him or not. In either situation, there is no need to speak to anyone but your husband. He chooses her or you.

So if your H was having an affair you wouldn't want the other spouse to give you a heads-up?  If so, you're an idiot.  He needs an STD panel just like the OP, and just like he he deserves to know the truth so he can decide how to proceed.   

I wouldn't want anyone but my spouse to tell me. It's high school BS to have someone else tell you. Also, getting routine testing for STDs is something to do annually.

So you're saying that I should be getting an annual STD panel to make sure that my husband, who I believe is being faithful, isn't sleeping around?