Just want to be done right now - very long

Kaeldrasmommy

Just in case anyone missed it, my old user id was honeybee#1. And for the sake of background, I have a SD12, a SS11 and a DD 6 months. When the kids were little there was a lot of back and forth, BM has primary of SS and DH has primary of SD and they were supposed to spend every weekend together at one parents house or the other. The arrangement never really worked and BM finally just left both kids with us and split. She hasn't seen the kids since June 2010 or talked to them since January 2011. I was looking to adopt, but apparently NM doesn't terminate a parents rights for abandonment, I could either publish and she could contest at any time, or I could serve her. She would probably fight just to be stubborn and there was a risk that she would not only win, but take SS back. So we've decided to leave well enough alone.

So much for that. The b!tch (I'm sorry, but she's earned it) called a few days ago. She mentioned coming to town soon and how she's 'better' now and wants to see the kids. DH told her that we would see. Today we got a letter from her for the kids, she talks about coming to see them, how she's missed them so bad and loves them so much. She gives a phone number and mentions that she would love to hear from them if I will let them call. She tells them how she's heard that they have a new sister. She wasn't supposed to know this. We would love it if we could make this letter disappear. It's going to make the kids crazy, and then she's not going to follow through.

Totally on the other hand, the kids are driving us nuts. SD has typical 12yo attitude, but SS has shut down. He doesn't seem to care about anything, won't do his schoolwork or his chores and when you ask why just says he doesn't want to. If you actually needed passing grades to pass a grade these days, he would be repeating the 5th grade next year. DH and I are both so angry at trying so hard for nothing. SS sees 2 different counselors and has for two years now. Weekly and biweekly appointments, meetings with teachers, all sorts of accomadations to try to get him to do what he's supposed to do. Nada. I'm to the point where I'm so angry with his behavior that I don't even want to be in the house with him. I kid you not, I have NEVER known a kid to act like this.

So I'm very sorry for the horrendous post, I just needed somewhere to go berserk. The last couple of weeks have really just made me wish I could give up and say to he!! with it all.

BagelGirl

Vent away.  You need a place to do that and probably need at least a little break for yourselves to recharge a bit. 

I think you should give the children the letter from their mum.  It's theirs after all and you don't want to be responsible for putting the kabash on their relationship if she indeed is "better" now.  Proceed with caution and appropriate boundaries though to protect them as much as you can, but I would let them know.  I'm sure they miss her no matter what she's done.

11 and 12 year old kids can be a handful and these 2 have been through a lot from the sounds of it.  Do what you can so that at the end of the day you can say you tried your best to do right by them.  The rest is up to God.

Hope you are feeling better about things soon.  Sometimes the smallest things can make a big difference in how we're feeling about things.  I hope you get a little change soon!!

 

MommyBeen

I just want to say I know where you're coming from.  I have SS9 & SS11 (soon will be 10 &12) and have not spoken to their mom since January of this year.  (Also have DD13 &DD2)  We have them full time and she is legally not able to have them.  (That's another post entirely, but drug-related)  Although she visited them for a few days over New Year's, she has only talked to them over the phone once since then.  She generally does this, just has no contact with them for months, sometimes a year or longer...  It is hard on them.  The older one acts out/doesn't listen, the younger one will just get so angry.  We stopped making excuses for her to them long ago but you know they miss her so much.  BM has mental issues, drug addictions, etc. but we know how important it is for the boys to at least have her in their life.  So we try to do the best we can.  But when she doesn't try, I just think of it as "it's her loss" but the boys can't help but feel abandoned.  I would love to adopt them and probably could, but even after everything, she is their mom and they do love her and want her in their life. 

It's gonna be tough, but they should be able to hear from their mother at least.  You don't want them to resent you later for not letting them be in contact when she finally did try.  It sucks that she is like that, I know.  It's not fair that we are there to wipe their tears when they cry for her and then they are so elated when they finally do see her for a short time then back to usual again.  I can never fully grasp how a parent could NOT want to see or talk to their child(ren).

Good luck to you!

Kaeldrasmommy

We will of course let them have the letter. I just wish...But neither DH or I could live with ourselves if we didn't give it to them. But I'm going to lay it on DH, I don't want to watch them get their hopes up, call, listen to her excuses, cry...Of course I'll still have to handle the aftermath, the worry, the excitement, the 'our mom' stuff, the conversations about how they think she doesn't love them.  Which I'm sure is true, but we can't tell the kids that.

cautionwillburneyes

You mentioned counselors.  Would it help to give the letter to the counselor and let that person talk it over with the kids?  Maybe the counselor can help them talk through their hopes and possibly help them manage their expectations.

Kaeldrasmommy

cautionwillburneyes:

You mentioned counselors.  Would it help to give the letter to the counselor and let that person talk it over with the kids?  Maybe the counselor can help them talk through their hopes and possibly help them manage their expectations.

Only SS works with the counselors. They can't work with SD unfortunately.

Ilumine

Are both of his counselors through school and for learning disabilities? 

I really think that if there has not been any forward movement after 2 years, its time for a new therapist.  And I think there needs to be some family counseling and individual counseling for SD, especially if she is starting to act up.

Wahoo

Obviously giving them the letter is the best option.  You don't want to hear down the road that their bio-mom loved them so much, but you and H "kept them apart" by not giving them letters, being difficult, etc.  Sooner or later they will figure out what their mom is all about.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I agree you should check out SS for learning disabilities, and find a new therapist if he has not made progress in 2 years.

Good luck!

Kaeldrasmommy

The counselors are regular counselors. Ironically SS is gifted, he has no disabilities. And one of the counselors he has seen the whole time but the other is new. We're at a loss.