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Blended Families
nattyncbride
member
Feelings of jealousy
nattyncbride
member
I am a lurker to this board. I have a DS2 and my boyfriend (BF) has a DS7 (I know he's not my stepson, but for ease, I'll refer to him as SS7). So, first of all, I am very cognizant of the fact that I am just the girlfriend and not his wife, so I know where I stand as far as what I can ask/not ask for.
My BF and his ex-wife have been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for 1.5 years. She's a wonderful mom to their son, and she knows that when SS7 is with his dad, he is around me and DS2 a lot as well (BF has SS7 50%). So far, she's not doing anything malicious to make my relationship with DS7 difficult, and for that, I am very grateful. However, she and her boyfriend of over a year broke up recently, and now BF gets phone calls and texts about how she wishes things were different and just knowing I am in his life hurts her. She expounds on her feelings for him and wishing he felt the same way. She also creates more situations (in my eyes, but I admit I could be wrong) recently to see BF, wrapped around their SS7, so it's not like he can avoid them.
In some respect, I feel for her, and it's possible it would be anyone's gut reaction if they are going through a break up and the ex was dating someone. However, I truly believe (though admittedly I am not in the situation) I would not voice this to my ex if it were me because I would be aware it's selfish and situational. I know I *should* not be upset because BF does a good job of not responding to those texts or those parts of VMs (he only responds to whatever else she's generally asking for that has to do with SS7), and that should my concern. (I will say he never asks her to stop saying those things, he just ignores them.)
I understand that ostensibly I should ignore BM's sentiments as well, and not worry. But it really does bother me, I'm only human. And sure, I'm totally intimidated because they will always share SS7 (as they should) and all that comes with that, and again, I feel if she's not getting the attention she needs from other parts of her life, she creates situations to get them from BF. As long as it has to do with SS7, I can't touch that, he can't ignore it, and she knows that.
Long winded, but my Q is: do you have any advice on how I can deal better with this than just feeling miserable, and at times angry and frustrated (with ex-wife, BF)? Any perspective from a SM or BM is appreciated and welcome. I need to look at this from a different angle, and thus far I have been unable to do so. Thank you.
If being a math nerd is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
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Re: Feelings of jealousy
Thanks for your reply! If I'm to be totally honest, even if it makes me seem crazy, we talk about it ad nauseum, and he does nothing but reassure me and I can see that he's following through mostly with what he says. I think he can at times foster all the texting by always texting back, and his closeness with her extended family, although understandable, does make it hard for her (and me) to think he's moved on. Overall though, he doesn't do or say anything that would suggest he wants her back or is unhappy with me. However, I am still not satisfied. I realize at some point his reassurances and actions need to placate me, but right now - they just don't. Maybe I just need more time to get used to all of it.
How long have you been with your BF? If you can't trust him, then I think you really need to figure out if this is a good relationship for you. I am a SM and a BM, and to even add to that my H has two kids with two different BM's. While we were dating and even now being married, I have never once felt like my H still had any romantic feelings for either of his ex's. If I thought otherwise, I wouldn't be in the relationship. It's not healthy and it isn't worth the heartache and always wondering what he may or may not do.
GL!
Good question: Since the beginning of the year. I do think it's a trust issue, and maybe more of mine than about him specifically, and I am working on that.
Thank you for this! I appreciate you sharing your story and your perspective, it gives me some ideas. He does already limit his communications to SS specifically, so I'm starting to realize that he might be doing all he can, it's up to me to acknowledge and internalize it.
Has he explicitly told her that he is in a relationship and he is not interested in pursuing anything with her?
I think ignoring things is fine 99% of the time, but if he has not very plainly told her that it's not going to happen, maybe he should.
Your BF needs to tell her to stop. Repeatedly. It's inappropriate plain and simple. I think if he actually stood up for your relationship, rather than just ignoring her, it might make you feel more secure.
He doesn't have to be rude about it. A compassionate, "I know you're going through a lot right now, but I'm happy with my current relationship. I want to get along with you for the sake of our son, but beyond that the only thing I have for you is respect." might go a long way.
And if she persists at least you can see him making an effort.
Just my $.02. Hope things get better soon.
If ignoring it is not working then he needs to tell her clearly to back off that his only interest is his child. This is a red flag for you. Many men go through post divorce life holding their tongue so as not to rock the boat. It causes many a problem for the new gf/wife.
When I started dating my now DH Bm would do this all the time. Eventually I walked. I got out of the car one day and told him goodbye and that I was not interested in a relationship with a man who still had emotional ties to his ex. He swore he didn't and that it was all her. I kept going. He showed up at my door two days later after sitting BM down and telling her straight out he was not interested in her and she only needed to contact him about SS.
We are married now and I am friends with BM.
Your bf needs to nip this in the bud. By not being straight with her he is effectively leading her to believe there may be a chance.
Felles and Future:
He has explicitly said he's happy (she has asked him in the past), but no, he has not explicitly replied to any of her feelings, he just does not address them. I love the suggestions, thank you for replying.
My hesitancy to have said something earlier lies in the fact that I'm not his wife; if I were, I would feel like I had a leg to stand on in suggesting that he alter anything in his relationship with BM, but it's odd being his girlfriend and asking for him to change anything with her. It's odd being a "girlfriend" and having a "boyfriend" at my age, period! Anyhow, I digress. I do think if it's bothering me and affecting us, I should say something. And even as a girlfriend, I am very involved with SS and he is with DS, so we do need to do everything we can to make this work. Again, thanks!
It's probably deemed obnoxious to reply to every post, but I have been so anxious about this situation, I must say thanks to everyone, these posts all make me feel more sane!
As for your post: wow. If we work out and get married, the idea of being close/friends with BM sounds amazing, I can't imagine how much easier that makes it for the adults, not the mention the benefits to all the Skids. I am building up too much resentment right now, so your story is encouraging - thank you.
But would you want to be the wife of a man who wouldn't even stand up for you?
^^ Exactly. If he's not going to speak up now and put an end to her inappropriate behavior, do you really want to stick around until he does?
We had a similar problem with BM. There was a severe lack of boundaries, and she would text my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) all hours of the day and night, and none of it pertained to their daughter. She was incredibly flirty whenever we were around each other. Finally I got fed up and told him he either needed to set up some boundaries and set BM straight about her behavior, or find a new girlfriend. He didn't realize that BM's behavior was bothering me, and didn't even see it as being flirty and inappropriate. He sat her down and the behavior stopped. However, ever since he made it clear to her that they were never getting back together, she has been a pain to deal with and is incredibly vindictive. But we've made it work.
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Good call. I have just spoken with him and asked him to do this. Again, to be honest, he wasn't excited about the idea (he is conflict averse when it comes to her, using the 'don't want to rock the boat'), but regardless he said he would do it. These are really good points (truly thinking about wanting to stay/be with someone unwilling to do this). For the first time in a long time, I feel like something is going to proactively be done. I can see how this might lead to other issues (future vindictive attitude on BM's part), but it is worth it. Thank you all.
What is the status of your relationship? You said you have been together since the beginning of the year--so five-ish months? Do you talk about the future?
I can understand not feeling like you're in the position to put your foot down. But if there's some resentment building, and this is a relationship you want to last, I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask him to draw some boundaries.
Like PP said, you don't want to move forward with his man if he's not going to stand up for you and your relationship. How can you grow closer or build trust if he's allowing someone to disrespect what you have?
DH has an ex that had a hard time letting him go. They'd grown up together, and I know she thought he was 'the one.' And after they'd broken up and she'd married someone else, she kept trying to be friends. He responded for awhile, and then realized he just liked the attention. He (nicely) shut it down, and she still tries to reach out to him once or twice a year. He just ignores it. Not only is he not interested, but I think it would also be unkind of him to maintain the contact knowing her feelings.
Yes, 5 months, we have been friends for years. We do talk about the future, and we are both very committed. However, I am aware relative to marriage, this is a young relationship. I am hopeful that speaking with her will result in her stopping, and him realizing it's not impossible or awful to put up some boundaries. I agree his actions will either lead to a strong foundation to a long term relationship (marriage), and inaction would make it seem questionable.
I have been on both sides. I was engaged to a man with children from a previous marriage and I am now a BM and my ex has a girlfriend.
My advice to you is that you need to trust your BF. Don't let her come inbetween your relationship. Don't let this bother you so much that it ends up tearing down your relationship. I learned from my last relationship that lack of trust and jealously will kill your relationship.
There is a reason they are divorced. There is a reason he is with you and not her. Just ignore her and make sure that BF continues to do the same.
Since I have also been in her situation I believe there is some merit to grieving losing your family. It is hard (as you know) raising a child with a broken family. So I can understand where she is coming from. However I think what she is doing is inappropriate. But if he continues to ignore it she will eventually stop.
I can see where she can feel that way, I just don't think she should express it. Oh, and yes, I do know that broken families are complicated and hard to navigate at times! Thank you for sympathizing.
The term is blended.
Duly noted.
Really? Not to be snarky but there is something wrong with them. I can attest to it. Coming from a divorced family and now raising a son in a spilt family. You cannot deny the negative consequences that come from a split family. There is no way to sugar coat it in my opinion. No matter what happy face you slap on it a kid growing up this way will have pain.
My $0.02, as a newcomer to the whole concept, is that divorce is painful, and yes, it's hard for children. There's no doubt about that. However, if your parents have a toxic relationship, that is also painful and awful for children. If the divorce alleviates the latter, it might not a positive solution, but it's the best solution.
The blending of families is a blessing, or generally a blessing. It's very hard too, obviously this board is a testament to that, but I do think blending families are a good thing, or none of us would be trying to do it, right? I have a very young child, and he will have a mother and father that love him, and possibly more parental figures and siblings that love him as well. His parents' relationship was broken, but his family will be blended. So I see you parts of your point, but does this also resonate with you as well? Your thoughts?
There has been research done that shows that if the relationship was so toxic it was going to be harmful to the kids if the family remained in tact it will continue to be toxic after the divorce creating the same negative effects in the children's lives.
I guess I am a debbie downer but unless the parents stay together and work through things or unless they figure out how to coparent well after split the children will be emotionally harmed.
Even if the parents successfully coparent (whatever that is). There will still be stress on the kids figuring out how/who/when to split holidays, birthdays, etc. unless both families can come together for these events. Which in most cases is not practical.
I saw it over and over again with my ex's children. Even though their parents got along pretty well. There was constantly tension for almost every holiday and event and regulars weekends for everyone to figure out how to share the kids.