Our 4 year old...please help

bluesmiley78

I know this is a bit above the age grouping on here, but any help would be hugely appreciated. Our four year old is bright, definitely above her peers, I don't say this as a parent, I say this because we have been told this by many many people including teachers. What the issue is...as follows...she is fine at school, she is fine with her grandparents, she is fine with most everyone except when she is home. When she is home she looses it everytime we even think about saying no to her. We are firm, not overly, but firm. We stand behind what we say, she knows that these fits dont get her anywhere but put in her bed, but yet she continues to throw them. And they are big, HUGE! We are talking jumping up and down and screaming when I tell her its bed time, and screaming "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED!" When I wash her hair, she screams saying Im pulling her hair, when I know I am not. Brushing her hair became such an ordeal, until we said we would cut all her hair off. But then again, grandma can wash and brush her hair she says nothing.

There have been some changes lately, we moved about four months ago, we figured that would have passed by now, her father and I got married about 1.5 months ago, but she was a huge part of it and was as excited as anyone.

Im in need of some help on what to do... 

  

Brewtowngrl

123 Magic is a great book.  Quick read and will give you a ton of tips.  We do time outs for tantrums.  He goes to his room till he calms down.  This way I am not giving him attention he wants because he is behind a closed door.  

AgrippaRidesAgain

Tantrums take up time. We do an adaptation of 1,2,3 Magic. If we get to three and he hasn't quit (when we know it is a tantrum and not a meltdown), he loses a privilege because we don't have enough time for it. So, at bedtime, he loses a story. If it is morning teeth brushing, he loses an activity for the day.

KathrynMD

I give a lot of choices, so I rarely have to say no.

A lot of "do you want to use the pink shampoo or the white shampoo;"  "should we read 2 books or 3 books"  "go pick some pajamas" should we kiss daddy goodnight downstairs or upstairs.

Even DD starts slowing things down, I'll try to remind her to do whatever and then if she still doesn't get it together, she'll lose something - only one story, no TV before school, etc.

roxy_jj

Sounds like my daughter with the screaming when I brush her hair.  When my mom brushes her hair, she doesn't make a sound.  I agree with the 123 Magic suggestions, when we are really consistent with it, it works well.  I've just recently started doing a reward sticker chart and so far it seems to be working.  If she fights me on brushing her hair or teeth, she doesn't get a sticker. 

bunny731

I have known other bright/collected children outside the home save a lot of their frustrations/anger for home. 4 is a good time to allow consideration of their opinion Present her the issue (we need to brush your hair) and let her solve it how us/you can do this best? That eases some of the tension for us because they normally come up with something reasonable for the situation and we get the job done.

One issue you created is using her bed as a punishment--so her refusal to go to bed may be a result of that.

AZ123

We constantly remind DS1 that a lot of the things he gets to do like books at bed and cartoons are priviledges and they'll be taken away. We sort of pre-emptive strike things that we know he'll protest so, for example, we tell him "You get to play 5 more minutes and then it is bedtime" or "I'm going to brush your hair now. If you scream and cry about it, then I'm taking such-and-such toy away for 2 days." and then put the toy on display somewhere like on top of the fridge once it gets taken. It's torture for a 4 year old.

bluesmiley78

Thank you everyone, We have done the sticker chart and it did help for a while, and the hair, we have gone to letting her brush it, she does a pretty good job we allow that to happen. As for the fits, I have made the executive decision that if she throws one she goes to her room, in her bed, and when she is ready she can come out of her room. This helped when she was three, she even started putting herself in her bed when she felt she was going to have a moment. 

The options are there. "once you are ready for bed we can have a story" but fifteen minutes later and 4 more times of us telling her this same thing, and her still not ready for bed, story time has come and gone, and therefore she is upset because she doesn't get her story. Bed time is 730, has been pushed to 8 recently to see how she does, that isnt going so well. So I have decided to put it back at 730...if that means that she doesnt get a shower one night, or two, she will be fine. She likes her showers also, so maybe understanding that she doesnt get one if she isnt behaving will be the key.  

The 1,2,3 does work sometimes...we do use it. We say you have to the count of three...sometimes it works..getting out of bed in the morning..it works for...other things she still thinks she can win...such as throwing a fit and screaming NO when she doesnt want to go to her bed...she gets put in her bed...

Thanks again everyone!!! Its helpful to be able to talk about it. 

ariel06

Read "Dealing with your Spirited Child".  It totally helped me understand my almost 4 year old. 

KathrynMD

bluesmiley78:

The options are there. "once you are ready for bed we can have a story" but fifteen minutes later and 4 more times of us telling her this same thing, and her still not ready for bed, story time has come and gone, and therefore she is upset because she doesn't get her story. Bed time is 730, has been pushed to 8 recently to see how she does, that isnt going so well. So I have decided to put it back at 730...if that means that she doesnt get a shower one night, or two, she will be fine. She likes her showers also, so maybe understanding that she doesnt get one if she isnt behaving will be the key.  

Those aren't options, its more a consequence or series of events.  An option should be - read one book or 3 books, bath in 3 minutes or 5 minutes, pick one of these 3 pull ups to wear.  And, then force your LO to make a quick decision - if she stalls about it, tell her you're counting to 3 and then you'll decide.