Parenting after 35

With mothers day coming up I have a non clicky poll

Do you get along with your mother?  You see I don't.   I haven't for a very long time. The only reason she hears from me is because I have a child and will not deny her seeing her grandson.

Why you may ask do I not talk to her. She is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder. During my engagement to dh the problems were all about her. Plus many other instances that I won't bore you with

 Why you ask do I allow her to see my son.  Because amazingly enough she is an awesome grandma. She loves all her grand babies with all her heart. And she is good with them until they become teenagers.  My nieces and nephews are 18, 16, 6,(one that would've been 4 but he passed away)and a 22 month old

My mom is a get on the ground and get dirty kind of grandma. The kind that will teach you how to blow bubbles, do a cannon ball etc...

It sadly makes me jealous because she didn't do that with us.

Mind you though I won't fir a second leave her alone with him unless my dad or someone is there.

Wow. That turned into a vent.  I'm sorry.  All these mothers day commercials are making me mad/sad and stabby about her and then mushy nd Geary about myself being a mother

My one huge prayer is that when my son grows up he doesn't have the same hateful feelings about me that I do about my mom.


Sooo... What about you guys. What is was your relationship with your mom 

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Re: With mothers day coming up I have a non clicky poll

  • I totally understand how you feel. Mother's Day used to be a HUGE drinking holiday for me because it was so depressing. My mom is sooooo manipulative still and was very emotionally abusive/critical when my siblings and I were growing up.

    Fortunately, living a few thousand miles away and limiting our relationship to emails has helped a lot. So did years of therapy.

    My mom has met my son once, and he's 13 months old. Basically, we turned a business trip into a family trip and saw our parents for the first time since our LO was born. (I don't make enough money to pay to see abusive people, but if work pays for the trip, I'll go. I hope that makes sense. My parents have also mellowed out now that they're older, so I'm not afraid of them like I would have been years ago.)

    My life was pretty much Hell growing up because my mom manipulated people into thinking she was wonderful and I was awful -- until she went to jail for two counts of attempted manslaughter when I was twenty. Writing about this stuff has helped me (I'm actually a professional writer), but maybe writing for yourself would help you, too. I talk about my mom toward the end of this essay, if you're curious:

    The best advice I EVER got is that we don't have to be our mothers. We each make all of our own choices. I actually was afraid to have a child and never planned on it because I was afraid of being like my mom... The other thing to remember is that every day is a new day -- so if you do say something critical, lose your temper, etc., you can start over the next day.

    I hope this helps. *Big hugs.*

    Mac and cheese lover!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • So it looks like we've lived somewhat parallel libes

     My mom just had hip replacement surgery and a friend of a friend asked when I was going to go see her.( I live 300 miles away from my parents for a reason)  I responded I'm not.  Her response was pure astonishment like I was this horrible person or something.  She told me if she had a mother still (hers died 2 yrs ago) she would be there the minute she got out of surgery

    My response was: good for you N. you were lucky to have a good relationship with your mom(her mom was an awesome woman). I however do not have that type of relationship with my mom.  Her response was you're not even going to go for a short visit. Me; NOPE. I then quietly said we don't all have relationships with our moms . Then I felt guilty. But not enough to go see her

    I then get a phone call from my older sis who lives near me tht he's taking the train down to see mom.  I asked her why. She said she felt guilty.  I told her have a nice trip.

    Wow, I sound like a terrible person.  But through therapy this is where I'm at.  My therapist says there's no reason I need to go. It was elective hip surgery.

    LIKE don't know why I'm explaining it to you all. I guess I have some guilt.  

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  • No worries. I don't think you sound like a terrible person at all. You sound like someone who is not going to be hurt and manipulated any more and that's a good thing. Good for you!

    Just remember, we can't control other people, just our reactions to them. And it's okay to cut toxic people out of our lives or limit our interactions with them even if they are our family members.

    Take care :-)

    Mac and cheese lover!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • I have an "eh" relationship with my mom.  Better than it used to be.

    She's a good person generally, but wasn't all that interested in being a parent and is just moderately interested in her grandkids.  She was very young when she had my sis and then me, so mentally, I still think she believes she's 20.  Very self-centered and would much rather go shopping than actually spend time with you.

    She comes to visit a few times a year, so I can tolerate her in small doses.  But she knows she gets on my nerves pretty quick.  Most visits, she ends up in over-dramatic tears and I get all guilty-feeling.  Sigh.



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  • LoCarbLoCarb member

    Nope we don't get along and it's all my fault (according to her). You know the awful MIL posts we read about -well that's my mother. I moved 2k miles away for a reason. She can pi$$ me off in a phone call.

    On a comical note-She's never met DD2 (again this is my fault according to her) but she visits my girls all the time in their sleep. Since last summer, she has been caught up in the psychic world and prefers to go to OOT psychic conventions then to visit her own g-children. When my girls wake up crying, H and I joke that my mom is scaring them in their sleep. She's kooky.

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  • klmbbbklmbbb member

    It makes me sad to hear all these stories of people who had to deal with having a less than stellar mother.  It makes me feel bad to say that my mom was great when I was growing up, although I didn't realize it until I got older (isn't that typical), so I'm trying to make up for it now by doing nice things for her when I can.  And she was a champ when it came to helping me with LO.  She stayed with me for an extra week after sister and dad left to help me out because she knew I was struggling and she was awesome with the baby.  I'm sad she lives so far away (about a thousand miles).  She'd be great to have around LO more often and she loves it (her only grandchild). 

    H's mom on the other hand, is a different story.  She wouldn't intentionally do harm to the LO but she can't be left alone with her because her best intentions often end up causing harm (emotional or otherwise).  And they only live a 2 hour drive away.  We let her hold the baby but we don't let her out of our sight with her.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I do get along with my mom.  We're close and even take yoga together and do friend-like-stuff together.  But honestly, although we get along great, she is still a very different grandma than she was a mom.  I think all of us have to cut our parents a little slack b/c the norms were different for raising kids then and now.  

     I'm not sure what to say, but if your mom is a good grandma to your son now, maybe that is what you can focus on for mother's day and he can keep some of the good memories for the times when she isn't as great later.  Have your son make her something special and share with her, then you can just get a card and fade away a little. 


    Two boys already - ages 5 and 3... #3 is here...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • PeskyPesky member
    Sorry to hear that your mom is so difficult.   I get along with my mom alright.  We are just very different people and so she has a hard time relating to me.  For example, she keeps trying to tell me that I should go get my hair "done" twice a week, which means washed and set in a beautiful bouffant of curls.  Uh, no.  She doesn't like my straight modern cut and keeps insisting I need a perm.  Riiiiighhhtt. 

    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

  • jlw2505jlw2505 member

    I am so sorry.  My mom is one of my best friends and an amazing grandma.  We live in different states so don't see her more than about 6 times a year which is hard but my girls love her - we do Facetime a ton and they call her a lot.  My MIL on the other hand - she lives 10 mins away and I wish it was 10 hours away.  She suffers from depression and refuses to get any real help for it and like you, she is not allowed to be alone with my kids.  We have recently started limiting how much we see the ILS as she has just gotten worse and I won't let my kids be around that and DH totally agrees.  It is hard but it is best for my kids - they know my MIL (their grandparents really well) but for now, it is what it is.

    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
  • My mother had her issues similar to your mother, but I'd give all I had to have those issues right now.  She passed away 11 years ago.  I know it's hard for you to fathom it given you're dealing with things now.  My mom wasn't as good a mother as she was a grandmother, and to be honest, I truly appreciated all she did for my kids and my siblings children.

     My son who is 24 still can't talk about her for long before getting emotional, they were very close. He was literally sick when she died.  All the grandchildren loved her so much and I still hear them talking about her.  And for that I'm thankful. 

    So many people have stories of their parents and I'm sure my kids will have some about me. Love your mother the way you are comfortable and send her well wishes.  Mother's Day and alot of holidays make people sad. I say with all the Holidays, if it didn't make you sad yesterday, don't allow it to define that day for you as well. Treat people everyday as you should and move one.

    BTW - Happy Mother's Day to you today, tomorrow and every day after!

  • I have a really good relationship with my mom.  It would actually be even better if I had any kind of relationship at all with my dad (they're still married).  Unfortunately, Dad's a racist a$shole, so it really limits the time my mom and I can spend together.
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  • Mom and I have a good relationship.  I am a bit frustrated with her because she does not visit as much as I think she should but then again, we are always on the go on the weekends.  My son is crazy about her and dad.

    Happpy Mother's Day to you all and if your mother can not be a good example, let her be a warning.

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  • steverstever member

    My mom and I didn't get along until I was in my mid-twenties, and that was only because I made a concerted effort to grow up and get over our differences without expecting her to change.

     We get along great now. She still occasionally shocks me with her  utter obliviousness to her flaws and any way she screwed up as a parent, but I'm used to it.

    I love my mom and DS loves his grandma.

  • ummm, yeah.  i love my mother ... BUT ...

    but even after years of therapy, i am still pretty angry about many of the poor choices she made when i was a child.  i have tried to accept her as she is, but after 43 years, she still doesn't know me ... still expecting me to be someone else.

    that said, she is a great grandmother ... and my oldest loves her.  my father was never in my life, and both DHs parents have passed ... so my mother is the only grandparent my boys have.  so i am determined not to let my issues get in the way of their relationship.  but i too will not let them be alone with her.

    it's funny, people said to me that when they had kids, they forgave their mother ... for me it actually woke up my stabby feelings, when i look at my boys i just can't believe how selfish she was ...  

  • " I actually was afraid to have a child and never planned on it because I was afraid of being like my mom... "


    ::::nods head:::: 

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